A Light in the Darkness
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Interview"Young rookie detective is assigned a serial case
10 total reviews
Comment from Darlene BoClair
Reading on. I like your style of detective research.The Story is so detailed. The conversations with the families seem so real in Mayor political friendships. Friendships can make or break a case. Amazing how you write the reasons why someone messed up. I have I lot of questions as to what will happen next, yet I have many more chapters to read. My curiosity keeps me reading.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
  |
Reading on. I like your style of detective research.The Story is so detailed. The conversations with the families seem so real in Mayor political friendships. Friendships can make or break a case. Amazing how you write the reasons why someone messed up. I have I lot of questions as to what will happen next, yet I have many more chapters to read. My curiosity keeps me reading.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
-
I thought I replied already so sorry if this is a repeat. I'm very pleased you are enjoying the story. Thanks so much. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
So that's how the white truck came in. Hmm. Sometimes the littlest detail will solve the case. The chapter is well-written, interesting. Your characters seem real, relatable. Nice Job again.
reply by the author on 29-May-2019
|
So that's how the white truck came in. Hmm. Sometimes the littlest detail will solve the case. The chapter is well-written, interesting. Your characters seem real, relatable. Nice Job again.
Comment Written 28-May-2019
reply by the author on 29-May-2019
-
Thank you. Rox =}
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Rox, sorry I've missed reading this, it's a really good mystery story. I'll read the past parts to catch up. The white van is a good lead. That is something that could hold the missing girls. They would need that. This read really well, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 23-May-2019
|
Hi Rox, sorry I've missed reading this, it's a really good mystery story. I'll read the past parts to catch up. The white van is a good lead. That is something that could hold the missing girls. They would need that. This read really well, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 23-May-2019
reply by the author on 23-May-2019
-
Thank you very much. =} Rox
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna .
I think the length is fine. It allows the reader to assimilate both old and new information and still allows for the introduction of surprise elements if desired.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 22-May-2019
|
Hi Roxanna .
I think the length is fine. It allows the reader to assimilate both old and new information and still allows for the introduction of surprise elements if desired.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 21-May-2019
reply by the author on 22-May-2019
-
Thank you Shirley.
Comment from Michele Harber
Hi Rox. As usual, this is an enjoyable read, and I admire the way you're able to change your writing tone and style from one project to another. This had the requisite serious tone, and your characters and dialogue are very believable. The one thing I did question, probably from watching way too many police procedurals on TV, is why the detectives didn't ask anything more about the white truck, i.e., corporate logos or other markings, make and model, license plate number, dents or other identifiable damages, etc. The omission left a question mark in an otherwise believable procedural. You did a much better job at proofing this, although there are still some issues with punctuation that would need to be taken care of.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Hi Rox. As usual, this is an enjoyable read, and I admire the way you're able to change your writing tone and style from one project to another. This had the requisite serious tone, and your characters and dialogue are very believable. The one thing I did question, probably from watching way too many police procedurals on TV, is why the detectives didn't ask anything more about the white truck, i.e., corporate logos or other markings, make and model, license plate number, dents or other identifiable damages, etc. The omission left a question mark in an otherwise believable procedural. You did a much better job at proofing this, although there are still some issues with punctuation that would need to be taken care of.
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Yes, I always need lots of help with boo boos and such, as you know. =} The people they are questioning didn't see the truck, they were just told about it so they wouldn't know those details unless they grilled their daught/sister. But I'll take another look at it. Thanks so much dear. Rox
-
It's entirely possible that you wrote more carefully than I read. It's just that all the mention of the white truck, without any mention of detail, stood out in my mind as I was reading.
As far as the "boo boo's," as I'd mentioned, there really weren't any egregious ones. The errors I saw were mainly regarding punctuation, i.e., the placement of commas and semi-colons. You'd be surprised how many high-level business people have no idea of the proper use of punctuation. Believe me, I've worked with enough of them. Luckily, that's a specialty of mine, as I understand punctuation whys and hows.
That being said, if you do plan to publish this, or any of your other books, I'd be happy to work with you on a professional level if you were interested. Proofing and editing were major parts of the job I'd held the past 27 years, and the one I'd held the seven years prior. Mine was the last set of eyes to review major documents going out to such multi-billion-dollar companies as Novartis, Cisco and DuPont, and I also did the final proofing and editing on all newsletters, updates and memos sent out by my boss (the CEO) office-wide or company-wide. In addition, I did the final proof and edit of two books before they were sent to publishers. One never made it to print but the other, "Trust: The Secret Weapon of Effective Business Leaders," by Kathy Bloomgarden, is currently on store shelves.
I understand that hiring other FanStory members to proof and edit books that fellow members intend to publish professionally is not uncommon. If you are planning to publish, as you and I have always had such a nice relationship, I hope you will think of me when you're ready to have your book proofed and edited. I would love to work with you professionally, and would approach your writing with the same care and perfectionism I do my own. If you are interested, let's continue the conversation more privately either in Messages or, ideally, via email. My address is MicheleHarber@outlook.com.
Thanks so much, Rox, and, should you take me up on my idea or not, I'll continue to look forward to reading and reviewing your work on FanStory.
-
Thanks so much Michele, wow, you had such an important job! They would not hire me for that job. =} I have no plans to publish, but if that changes, yes I would be very happy to work with you. This has been a challenging year in writing as I realize I have some problems seeing my own mistakes. I don't doubt I have had this problem for a long time, but no one has ever pointed out the errors as they have this years. I have no doubt I allowed myself to fall into bad habits as a result of never being told. It is so weird. Or I have gotten much worse as the years go by. I don't know now. But I am greatful for those willing to help and point them out. I know everyone must get tired of it. poor things. So thank you and I will make some adjustments to the story, whatever makes it better I'm willing to do. =} Rox
-
Thanks so much for the positive response, Rox. Don't get too down on yourself for the typos. Believe me, that's the rule, not the exception. On my last job, I was one of the "old ladies" amongst a group of college and graduate school graduates who didn't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're." For me, typos, grammatical errors and the like jump out like red flags, and I'm only too happy to help correct them.
If you do decide to publish, I'll look forward to working with you but, meanwhile, just keep having fun with your writing, and I'll keep having fun reading and reviewing it.
-
I do get frustrated with myself as I don't seem to improve, and it is embarrassing. My mom was so good at spelling and all, but her kids didn't get that gene. =} They don't teach like they used to and whatever the new method is, it 's not working well. =} I do try really hard to look over my work, I run it thru a grammar program and everything, but maybe one of the grad students wrote it and that's why it doesn't do the job well. =} I don't know if you have ever heard of the Babylon Bee, but it is a satire online mag and is so funny. This week it was about a person at church stopping the praise band on stage because the grammar was so bad in the song. "Come on people! Am I the only one her who knows how to use an apostrophe!!" He goes on for a while and ends up being escorted out by security. It was so funny. Anyway, I think I may belong to that band. =} Thank you for your encouraging words. There really are times I feel I should do my reviewers a favor and quit. =}
-
You wouldn't be doing us a favor, you'd be doing us an injustice, as your work is a pleasure to read.
You can blame the current lackadaisical attitude about spelling and grammar squarely on the internet and email. When my boss would send an email out without running it by me first, and I'd discover a spelling error, she'd just shrug it off as "It's email; nobody cares."
Facebook is notorious for the horrible grammar of its posts but, again, people say, "But it's just Facebook." In the same way that many people blame violent video games for teens and children not taking the danger of guns seriously, I and many others (whose complaints you see in Facebook comment chains) blame the current acceptance of poor grammar on its acceptance in social media. So many young people use social media as their gods and accept anything they see on it at face value.
When I was in junior high, we were assigned (and frequently tested on the contents of) a very boring and difficult grammar book. I hated it because it had all the excitement of card board, and yet I realized very quickly that it was one of the most valuable books I'd ever received. I learned so much from it. To this day, I still write with Strunk and White on a shelf behind me for reference.
Thanks for cluing me into "Babylon Bee." I would definitely have enjoyed that column. Have a great day.
Comment from royowen
Sarah has reopened a case were five women have gone missing, but nobody, as yet, has solved the case. She has to re interview the loved one and whoever might shed some new light on the cases, two haven't had their families enquire, Matthews and Taylor. Well done Rox, an excellent story, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Sarah has reopened a case were five women have gone missing, but nobody, as yet, has solved the case. She has to re interview the loved one and whoever might shed some new light on the cases, two haven't had their families enquire, Matthews and Taylor. Well done Rox, an excellent story, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you sir. Rox
Comment from Sandra Montanino
Lots of action here and also a lot of suspense. I think you have the makings of a really good story. I didn't read your previous chapter, but I would be a little hesitant about dreams. You have enough going on here already. Dreams have a way of letting go of the story for a time.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Lots of action here and also a lot of suspense. I think you have the makings of a really good story. I didn't read your previous chapter, but I would be a little hesitant about dreams. You have enough going on here already. Dreams have a way of letting go of the story for a time.
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thanks so much for the read and advise. Rox
Comment from Alex Rosel
This is an easy read which flows nicely. The Don shook his head. "Somebody messed up" is a good hanger on which to culminate.
I've picked up on what may be a few spags:
Sarah wanted to interview the families and friends again, but the Chief had said not[no] to that. -- spag?
But Sarah felt she needed to see the families, watch their facial expressions, maybe get them to remember something since they were last interviewed. -- spag?
They have a database of missing girls they check regularly, Renee is on it. -- This is an ill-defined pronoun.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
This is an easy read which flows nicely. The Don shook his head. "Somebody messed up" is a good hanger on which to culminate.
I've picked up on what may be a few spags:
Sarah wanted to interview the families and friends again, but the Chief had said not[no] to that. -- spag?
But Sarah felt she needed to see the families, watch their facial expressions, maybe get them to remember something since they were last interviewed. -- spag?
They have a database of missing girls they check regularly, Renee is on it. -- This is an ill-defined pronoun.
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
Thank you for the helps, I always have a ton of boo boos, my poor reviews. =} But I could do it with out you all. Thanks so much. I think I addressed them all. Rox
Comment from nancy_e_davis
but the Chief had said not to [do?] that.
I think this is a good length Rox. I like long chapters. Sometimes a short chapter doesn't give a lasting impression.It sounds to me like the two older missing women was just thrown into the mix to make the dept. look good if the cases were solved. Well done dear. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
but the Chief had said not to [do?] that.
I think this is a good length Rox. I like long chapters. Sometimes a short chapter doesn't give a lasting impression.It sounds to me like the two older missing women was just thrown into the mix to make the dept. look good if the cases were solved. Well done dear. Nancy:)
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
I fixed my boo boo of which there are always many, I feel rather sorry for the the reviewer. =} Thanks so much Nancy. Rox
Comment from robyn corum
Foxie,
Nice addition to your story. The plot thickens. I like the touch about the white truck - adds intrigue and questions about the previous detectives. Nice.
I would have said that you should have stopped the post at the end of the dad's interview, but the sister's interview was quite short - so I think the overall length was fine.
Other notes:
1.) disappeared without a trace, the car found abandoned on the street near the victims destination
-->disappeared without a trace, (their cars) found abandoned on (streets) near (their) destination(s)
--> plural people = plural descriptions
2.) their purses and cell phones still [on the front seat(s) of their cars.]
3.) friends again, but the Chief had said (no) to that
4.) see the families, watch their facial expression(s),
5.) "Okay, thanks(.)" Sarah turned to leave, then turned back.
--> action, not speech tag
6.) but since she was older, (t)wenty(-)one, we think not.
7.) gave a shaky sigh. "How can I help you(?)"
8.) This is my card(.)" Don handed him his business card.
--> action, not speech tag
9.) have more answers than I did(.)" Jack handed them a piece of paper.
--> ditto
10.) Did you notice a stranger hanging around, a car, anything(?)"
Hope this help - let me know when you edit! Thanks - I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
|
Foxie,
Nice addition to your story. The plot thickens. I like the touch about the white truck - adds intrigue and questions about the previous detectives. Nice.
I would have said that you should have stopped the post at the end of the dad's interview, but the sister's interview was quite short - so I think the overall length was fine.
Other notes:
1.) disappeared without a trace, the car found abandoned on the street near the victims destination
-->disappeared without a trace, (their cars) found abandoned on (streets) near (their) destination(s)
--> plural people = plural descriptions
2.) their purses and cell phones still [on the front seat(s) of their cars.]
3.) friends again, but the Chief had said (no) to that
4.) see the families, watch their facial expression(s),
5.) "Okay, thanks(.)" Sarah turned to leave, then turned back.
--> action, not speech tag
6.) but since she was older, (t)wenty(-)one, we think not.
7.) gave a shaky sigh. "How can I help you(?)"
8.) This is my card(.)" Don handed him his business card.
--> action, not speech tag
9.) have more answers than I did(.)" Jack handed them a piece of paper.
--> ditto
10.) Did you notice a stranger hanging around, a car, anything(?)"
Hope this help - let me know when you edit! Thanks - I enjoyed!
Comment Written 20-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
-
I think I fixed all the boo boo's. Sorry its so late, I feel asleep when I got home. I never sleep at night and sometimes nod of in front of the TV, which I hate!! But I don't even know I'm about to do it. Sleep is so sneaky. Thank you for the helps. Rox
