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St Louis

Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "St. Louis Chapter 5 part 2"
Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?

18 total reviews 
Comment from tfawcus
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Goodness! I knew I had fallen behind, but didn't realise it was this far! As usual, good, natural dialogue with appropriate action tags bringing it to life. The internal monologue works well, too. It gives a much better sense of McKenzie's character.

A few points to consider:

Standing, she walked toward the river. [Which?]

McKenzie's eyes widened and her heart pounded, but
(she) said, "It's okay." [Otherwise it sounds as if the heart is doing the talking]

As she returned to her car, tears rolled down her cheeks. "I never did get my drink. I'm not ready to go home." She dried her eyes. "Why am I crying? I'm not a crier. This isn't me. Get a grip, Mac. Running always helps." She glanced at her watch. "I have a few extra hours. There's plenty of time. Logan's probably at the house any way. I'll buy some thrift shop running clothes. Next to it is a sports store. I needed new running shoes. It'll work out." [Is this dialogue or internal monologue? Should it be in italics?]


 Comment Written 04-Jun-2019


reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
    I have made the corrections. I hope I didn't make it worse. Thank you for reading these when there's no money attached. I appreciate it. The reviews are extra special.
Comment from Sankey
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I thought I had been through here before? Maybe over on Tootsie's? The points have all disappeared for some reason. Good chapter again keep up the good work. No spags.

 Comment Written 20-May-2019


reply by the author on 21-May-2019
    Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from TheStoryMan
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I hope no one hurts Mac and she is able to find out who killed Megan and why they did it so Logan can have some closure. It's obvious why she is crying, she's frightened.

 Comment Written 16-May-2019


reply by the author on 18-May-2019
    Thank you for sharing your insight. My message did come across. I appreciate the review.
Comment from sandragee
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Mac is shaken by the news that someone out there wants to harm her. Fear is not something she is accustomed to feeling. When Logan expresses his concern for her, she shuts down that concern by saying, "I don't appreciate you prying into my life." Dinner is a silent fare for them, but at least Logan's relationship with Elder is good.
Nice insight into the vulnerable side of Mac.

 Comment Written 15-May-2019


reply by the author on 18-May-2019
    Thank you for understanding my purpose. I appreciate the review.
Comment from Ideasaregems-Dawn
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Oh, I like how you mentioned Mac was thinking of the lack of a/c. Who wouldn't, and it makes it so much more realistic!

More of that inner dialogue that makes your character so authentic -- SO well-planned.

Oooooooh, Mac. He's just trying to help.

WONDERFUL, Barbara!

 Comment Written 14-May-2019


reply by the author on 14-May-2019
    Thank you for the kind review. I got a 4 because the reviewer said the inner dialogue wasn't realistic. Oh My!
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 14-May-2019
    Well, I guess that tells you what THAT person thinks about! :(
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 14-May-2019
    Microsoft is driving me nuts with these constant interruptions! (updates, and if I don't do them, everything either freezes up or slows right down) Barbara, I do not agree with that reviewer at all -- I'll have to go and see if I can find the review, but the human brain does NOT function as we might THINK it should -- our thoughts wander a LOT, especially particularly bright people's thoughts.
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 14-May-2019
    Oh, I found it quickly. Again, I do not agree at all, and I will go one step further and say I RARELY, if EVER think in 'shorthand' -- in ADDITION to the longhand perhaps. But there are differing opinions about everything, yes? The important thing is that we can recognize and respect that fact without it causing us to act of of emotion, IMO. As or the four stars, personally, I think it's a ridiculous rating, even if I WAS one to subscribe to the star-rating system here. So far, this is a book I am enjoying thoroughly -- every chapter/part. Every author (of any worth, IMO) has his or her own 'voice' -- what a boring world it would be without variety. Yours is distinctive and excellent, IMHO, and I'm not alone -- OBVIOUSLY. Look at all those sixes, woman! (Good for you! We might write because we are driven to, but if nobody wants to read what we write, that says something, doesn't it?)

    That's one reason I'm not so crazy about the FS system, although I love the site= promoting work= it does exactly nothing to aid a bad piece (except possibly, with the help of a lot of reviews for the payout -- some will be actually helpful) and it reinforces bad practices sometimes. It also affects the confidence of a truly excellent author when he or she questions whether or not the writing really WAS enjoyed, or merely read for the large promo.

    Anyway, that's my two cents worth. I think you should believe in your work; be extremely proud. That's not to say there are never any ways to improve -- for either of us -- but remember, Barbara = YOUR voice is your own, and there are no qualifications required of reviewers.
reply by the author on 14-May-2019
    Thank you. I needed to hear that.
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 14-May-2019
    Good. I'm glad it helped. :))
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 14-May-2019
    Shoot! I see my sticky keyboard left off a few letters!!! (LOL)
Comment from giraffmang
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi Barbara,

Good internal wrangling here in regard to Mac and her feelings of angst.

What struck me most in this instalment, was the talking to themselves. It didn't feel natural to me. When we talk to ourselves we tend to use a kind of shorthand rather than full-bodied sentences. It felt stilted, like a formal conversation with another person, if you see what I mean.

ever worked on. The answer might there.- might be there.

wrote down the contact information. "Let me call her and see if it's all right that I give you her information." Once she completed the call, she gave McKenzie the information.- watch out for the repetition - information here three times in close succession. You could use details.

McKenzie tapped the paper on the stirring wheel. - steering.

"Why am I crying? I'm not a crier. This isn't me. I need to get myself under control. Running always helps." - this didn't feel very natural to me as talking to oneself. I'd clip some of the sentences and abbreviate to things like 'Get a grip, Mac' for example.

Dinner will be ready in about forty-five minutes." - need opening speech marks here.

McKenzie turned and walked up stairs. - either upstairs or up the stairs here.

All the best
G

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 Comment Written 14-May-2019


reply by the author on 14-May-2019
    Thank you for the help. I've made the suggested corrections. I agree about the internal dialogue. I have just been gigged so many times about shortening it.
Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Barb,

Looks good to me - but then, I don't know what you're trying to convey. *smile* I thought she was perfectly legitimate in her fear when the guy bumped into her. When normally you'd think that was an accident, right after all this other stuff, you have to wonder.

Thanks!

 Comment Written 13-May-2019


reply by the author on 13-May-2019
    We sure do. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SLMorrical
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

An interesting chapter. It actually gives a little insight into Mac. She may act tough on the outside, but is scared from what happened in the bar. I believe she tries to hide her sensitive and vulnerable side. I think she is beginning to get a little scared about the relationship that is developing between Logan and her. This is a chapter that connects with me, because even though I am a strong woman, I don't like feeling vulnerable or scared either. Well done. It flows well. I think by giving the reader a little more insight to Mac, they can relate to her as I can. I look forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 13-May-2019


reply by the author on 13-May-2019
    Thank you for the understanding.
Comment from sandramitchell
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I can understand Mac feeling the way she does. We all have those times. I'd be as jumpy as a kangaroo if I thought someone was out to kill me, who wouldn't? Just make sure she keeps her dogs with her, in fact, make her take them with her. Let's hope she gets over her grumps with Logan, the poor man is only trying to help her. And they both need to focus on getting his Megan's murderer and find out why she was killed. Another excellent chapter, Barbara. Well done. :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 13-May-2019


reply by the author on 13-May-2019
    Thank you for the kind review and insight.
Comment from 24chas
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This was really a good chapter, Barbara. Not sure what's gotten into Mac but she seems mad at Logan for some reason. I'm sure they'll work it out, but it sure was uncomfortable at the end of the chapter. Great job.

 Comment Written 12-May-2019


reply by the author on 13-May-2019
    It gets better. She's just jumpy right now. Thank you for the kind review.