Jake's Tavern
How good luck can turn bad.34 total reviews
Comment from Susan Morritt
Hi Lance
I read your story, Jake's Tavern, with interest. Your opening line was a good beginning, and your first paragraph drew me in. I do have some problems though with other parts of your story. The narrator states that he won't "bore" me with where he purchased the ticket, yet goes on to tell me that he purchased it at a gas station. Also, calling someone a "buddy" who would steal your ticket and shoot you seems bizarre.
I like the idea of the narrator (first person) ending up being a "spirit" (am I right?) Also, I would like if somehow you had given a name to the narrator through maybe quoting Jake.
Susan
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Hi Lance
I read your story, Jake's Tavern, with interest. Your opening line was a good beginning, and your first paragraph drew me in. I do have some problems though with other parts of your story. The narrator states that he won't "bore" me with where he purchased the ticket, yet goes on to tell me that he purchased it at a gas station. Also, calling someone a "buddy" who would steal your ticket and shoot you seems bizarre.
I like the idea of the narrator (first person) ending up being a "spirit" (am I right?) Also, I would like if somehow you had given a name to the narrator through maybe quoting Jake.
Susan
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Ouch. Thanks for your review. A couple of replies to your questions.
1. Jake is the narrator
2. Even a family member could be tempted for $5.75 million...not bizarre.
3. Jake said where he got the ticket but there was no boring back story.
I?m disappointed in your rating. This work is rated 100 by the site and Exceptional 5+ by more than 30 reviewers.
Thanks again for the comments and review.
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh dear, well I guess there's something to be said about the wisdom in keeping news of one's good fortune on the QT.
Great job Lance and I feel sorry for the guy still having to hang around Jake, but then again I'm sure there's some good mischief to get into.
Wishing you much luck with the Contest Committee. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Oh dear, well I guess there's something to be said about the wisdom in keeping news of one's good fortune on the QT.
Great job Lance and I feel sorry for the guy still having to hang around Jake, but then again I'm sure there's some good mischief to get into.
Wishing you much luck with the Contest Committee. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your comments and review.
Comment from Six-Star Writer
I'd like to win the lottery. I always have a ticket in my wallet. I have to win the lottery. If I had won the lottery like person in the bar, I would never have done what he did. I have very specific things in regard to getting the ticket to the lottery office if I win. I can't believe the guy got shot in the chest. That sucked.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2019
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I'd like to win the lottery. I always have a ticket in my wallet. I have to win the lottery. If I had won the lottery like person in the bar, I would never have done what he did. I have very specific things in regard to getting the ticket to the lottery office if I win. I can't believe the guy got shot in the chest. That sucked.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your comments and review.
Comment from Raul1
This doesn't look like a flash fiction story. It looks realistic. This story could really happen, but it was fun reading it. No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2019
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This doesn't look like a flash fiction story. It looks realistic. This story could really happen, but it was fun reading it. No grammatical errors. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 12-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your message and review.
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You're welcome
Comment from Bonjour Patita
Hi,
You've given the reader an interesting perspective on the fellow at the end of the bar who drinks alone. I spent part of my college years bartending, and I've come across a few of these.
I loved how you described the relationship between the man and Jake. (By the way, Jake is uncapitalized in the first paragraph.) It does seem that a good bartender knows who to chat with, and who wishes to be left alone.
Good luck in the contest,
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Hi,
You've given the reader an interesting perspective on the fellow at the end of the bar who drinks alone. I spent part of my college years bartending, and I've come across a few of these.
I loved how you described the relationship between the man and Jake. (By the way, Jake is uncapitalized in the first paragraph.) It does seem that a good bartender knows who to chat with, and who wishes to be left alone.
Good luck in the contest,
Comment Written 11-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your comments and review.
Comment from Bill Pinder
Ouch! That's a painful story. That lottery ticket guy turned out in a bad way. Good flash fiction story about a lottery ticket but losing badly in the big picture. Bill
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Ouch! That's a painful story. That lottery ticket guy turned out in a bad way. Good flash fiction story about a lottery ticket but losing badly in the big picture. Bill
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from kahpot
Absolutely outstanding, So Sorry no sixers, Money turns lives around, makes them killers, thieves, and ever so trusting, and bad luck turns to good and then reality strikes like a bullet, very well written, best wishes for your contest, don't really think my wishes will help as your story overrides all wishes by pure excellence****kahpot
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Absolutely outstanding, So Sorry no sixers, Money turns lives around, makes them killers, thieves, and ever so trusting, and bad luck turns to good and then reality strikes like a bullet, very well written, best wishes for your contest, don't really think my wishes will help as your story overrides all wishes by pure excellence****kahpot
Comment Written 10-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2019
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Thanks for your kind words and review.
Comment from James W. Reynolds
This is an intriguing story. The details are provided piecemeal so that at first it is unclear what has happened to the narrator. The ending is supernatural but much of the story is based on brutal reality. It is an effective mix.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
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This is an intriguing story. The details are provided piecemeal so that at first it is unclear what has happened to the narrator. The ending is supernatural but much of the story is based on brutal reality. It is an effective mix.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
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Thank you for your review
Comment from humpwhistle
I like the story of a poor guy who won the lotto, but still lost.
I wonder though, if there are more words than there is story?
Just my opinion, but the first two paragraphs add little to the story.
Flash is a genre where everything is supposed to count.
Just an observation.
Peace, Lee
I look over at Jake and hold up two fingers.--Change of tense, From past to present.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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I like the story of a poor guy who won the lotto, but still lost.
I wonder though, if there are more words than there is story?
Just my opinion, but the first two paragraphs add little to the story.
Flash is a genre where everything is supposed to count.
Just an observation.
Peace, Lee
I look over at Jake and hold up two fingers.--Change of tense, From past to present.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thanks for your comments and review.
I think the first two paragraphs draw the reader in and make the ending a bigger surprise.
The change in verb tense is on purpose. Take another read and you?ll get it.
Thanks again for taking the time to review and comment.
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Sorry, Lance, I re-read, but still don't get the change in tense. What am I missing?
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Picked up glass and drained it is past tense. Telling the story in present tense as I hold up 2 fingers.
Comment from bhogg
I liked your short story and certainly didn't see the end coming. To me, all the elements of flash fiction. Setting, character, conflict and plot. Good luck in your contest. Bill
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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I liked your short story and certainly didn't see the end coming. To me, all the elements of flash fiction. Setting, character, conflict and plot. Good luck in your contest. Bill
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much!!
