Reviews from

The Mysterious Airplane

A contest entry

10 total reviews 
Comment from KatyM
Excellent
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Very intriguing. I came by cause I hadn't seen any stories from you lately. This is a really good one. Did you get the Bullying book published? That was a really good one. Not much going on my side of the world. Hubby and I will be going to see my sister and family at the end of October. Not much after that. Glad I stopped by. Hope all is well where you are.
katy

 Comment Written 07-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 26-Jan-2020
    Hello Katy, I haven't been on FS in awhile. I have the Bullying book with the publisher. It has not been a fast process. They seem as slow as molasses. I do hope to get active again. I hope you had a great holiday season. Take care
reply by KatyM on 26-Jan-2020
    Glad to hear from you. Glad it's at the publishers. take care, katy
Comment from doggymad1
Good
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An interesting write for the contest but I found it to be a little forced in places.

The Steward had to keep this guy sober if there was a problem.

This line doesn't quite gel for me, if i could suggest to avoid a problem.
Best of luck in the contest
Freda

 Comment Written 09-May-2019


reply by the author on 09-May-2019
    Thank you.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Excellent
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I would say you did an excellent job of fulfilling the criteria for this contest. It was entertaining, keep your interest all the way through and I found no errors. I hope you do well in the contest. Rox

 Comment Written 09-May-2019


reply by the author on 09-May-2019
    Thank you.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Given the prompt, which I did think was a tad prescriptive, this is a good piece of fiction. It reads smoothly, and it kept my attention throughout.

A couple of points you might like to consider:

It didn't last long. -- I'm not sure what this refers to.

Every child in the plane just vanished but no one seemed to notice beside Paul Campbell. -- Paul is reading his book. He's sat down. Would he know every child on the plane suddenly disappeared? I've never been on a trans-Atlantic plane where I can see all the passengers, let alone children shorter than the back rests.

Good luck wit the competition.

 Comment Written 09-May-2019


reply by the author on 09-May-2019
    Thank you and I will take a look at the story to see how I can fix it.
Comment from fm wright
Excellent
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A truly wonderful beginning! Wish I still had a six to give out. I don't know where the story would go from here, but I would love to read its conclusion! It had me from the first line. I found absolutely nothing wrong with this piece and wish you only the best with this entry!

 Comment Written 08-May-2019


reply by the author on 08-May-2019
    Thank you.
Comment from giraffmang
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

Many thanks for entering this competition. it is quite a challenge. You did a good job crafting a tory around this and leaving it a mystery works quite well.

You made good use of the criteria, except for the salt - not a particularly meaningful inclusion. you could do more with this. So to the frantic mother.

Some notes I made as I read through-

He dreaded going past the Sky Marshalls seat,- Marshall's.

Even the children were quiet on this flight.- you could omit the last three words here to make it tighter.

"Hey, fellow, you didn't offer me a drink," Mr. Andrews yelled- maybe use fella rather than fellow. The formality of fellow feels a little off in this context to me.

The Steward walked back towards Mr. Andrews seat.- Andrews'.

"Oh, I' sorry, would you like some coffee - I'm.

Sometimes you capitalise steward and sometimes not, it should be presented the same way each time.

"Here you go and when you need more, let me know, - needs a period at the end rather than a comma and also needs closing speech marks.

The women with small children and babies slept soundly. - woman?

hysteria it was if nothing happened.- as if.

"Hi, Mrs. Jones. How is your flight"?- question mark should really be inside the speech marks.

The steward knocked on the Captain's cabin door.- you don't really need Captain's here.

"Is there something I can help you with?" The Captain asked.
"Sir, do you know what the bright light was?" The steward asked - in both of these instances the should be lower case. Following speech tags are always lower case unless a proper noun or name.

Excuse me, Mr. Campbell, do you mind repeating that- should probably have a question mark here.

The co-piolet spoke up. "We haven't seen any lights - co-pilot.

and firmly patted the stewards back. - steward's.

"Excuse me, sir. That lights came back. - need closing speech marks here.

How the hell should I know. - question mark needed.

"Great, now the mic isn't working. That's just something else.- delete the marks here as you're using italics for direct thought.

Men and woman were disappearing - women.

were disappearing and no one reacted to the disappearances. One frantic woman had to go to the restroom and it was occupied - why was she frantic if no one reacted to what was happening. This needs explored/explained further.

We can't land in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. We should be in London in about one hour."- if they're only an hour out, they're not over the middle of the Atlantic any more. More likely over Ireland at that stage.

I'm sure the bathroom will open up soon"- need punctuation before the closing speech marks here.

How can this be happening, Mr. Campbell thought? - move the question mark to after happening.

Everyone of generally pleased to be moved closer to the front.- feels like a word's missing here.

"What is the Captain saying about what is happening with the lights, - closing speech marks needed.

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 07-May-2019


reply by the author on 07-May-2019
    Wow, thank you so much for all detailed review. I will print this out and get the changes made. I do appreciate it. Shirley
Comment from Gail Denham
Excellent
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Oh my - a true mystery. I'd say it was the second coming of Jesus Christ - only that happens all at once I believe. Either that or a space craft traveling along side, I guess. Very strange.
Your story held the interest.
Well done.

 Comment Written 06-May-2019


reply by the author on 06-May-2019
    Thank You
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
    Thank You
reply by Gail Denham on 07-May-2019
    Here we go again - I did not do two reviews. somehow they say I did - then one pops up. This site has a few glitches. Don't know how this happens. sorry.
reply by Gail Denham on 07-May-2019
    Here we go again - I did not do two reviews. somehow they say I did - then one pops up. This site has a few glitches. Don't know how this happens. sorry.
Comment from JudyE
Excellent
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You've done a remarkable job with the prompts you were given. Well done. I'm sure I couldn't have done it. Good luck in the contest. I didn't pick up any glitches.

 Comment Written 05-May-2019


reply by the author on 06-May-2019
    Thank you J, Judy.
Comment from moongirlwriter
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I think you've followed the prompt well but the story has a few problems that need to be addressed so it flows better. It seems to me you keep switching names around. Also, first it was a woman, then women, then back to woman again. . .and the steward. . . was he called a name or did I simply misunderstand? The story is very amusing and a fun read. Once all the grammar is corrected the reader will be able to better understand who's talking.

 Comment Written 05-May-2019


reply by the author on 05-May-2019
    Thank you for your comment. I will certainly go back and check it out.
reply by moongirlwriter on 06-May-2019
    The best to you, :)
Comment from Randa Dayle
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Every story has does have a beginning...and this ending was wow! The mystery the suspense! Good job, I think you have written a nice one! May you continue.

 Comment Written 05-May-2019


reply by the author on 05-May-2019
    Thank you, so much for your kind words and the stars.