The Runner
He makes a promise.5 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You've crafted quite an emotive story here which many will find appealing. The characterisation is good and the strong pov and voice is well-held throughout.
Some things I noted as I read through-
I never thought I would be doing this at least not in this condition.- should possibly have a comma after the first usage of this.
I did, however, promised my mom before she died. - just promise.
"Ten minutes," The man said into the megaphone.- the man, following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name.
I knew this twenty-two-mile marathon would be a challenge,- if it's 22 miles, it isn't a marathon. (26 miles)
a year after nine eleven. - more normally presented as 9/11.
prepare for her wedding that was scheduled- try which rather than that here.
by watching the early morning sun's radiant lines shimmered on the waters of Lake Michigan,- shimmer.
There are quite a few spots in here where the wrong tense of verbs is used. Watch out for that as it mars the read.
A sight, I thought I would never see again. - unnecessary comma here.
n my own with my '98 Ford, Focus - unnecessary comma here.
You're a mentor to everyone here.- mentor feels like an odd choice. inspiration may be a more apt fit.
were plenty of soldiers like Luiz that went back to the states - who rather than that for people.
especially when dad's smile could lite up - light.
My inspiration for becoming a firefighter like my dad faded away. I fought the screams bursting inside me- if this was the true inspiration, why did he join the army?
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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Hi there,
You've crafted quite an emotive story here which many will find appealing. The characterisation is good and the strong pov and voice is well-held throughout.
Some things I noted as I read through-
I never thought I would be doing this at least not in this condition.- should possibly have a comma after the first usage of this.
I did, however, promised my mom before she died. - just promise.
"Ten minutes," The man said into the megaphone.- the man, following speech tags are lower case unless a proper noun or name.
I knew this twenty-two-mile marathon would be a challenge,- if it's 22 miles, it isn't a marathon. (26 miles)
a year after nine eleven. - more normally presented as 9/11.
prepare for her wedding that was scheduled- try which rather than that here.
by watching the early morning sun's radiant lines shimmered on the waters of Lake Michigan,- shimmer.
There are quite a few spots in here where the wrong tense of verbs is used. Watch out for that as it mars the read.
A sight, I thought I would never see again. - unnecessary comma here.
n my own with my '98 Ford, Focus - unnecessary comma here.
You're a mentor to everyone here.- mentor feels like an odd choice. inspiration may be a more apt fit.
were plenty of soldiers like Luiz that went back to the states - who rather than that for people.
especially when dad's smile could lite up - light.
My inspiration for becoming a firefighter like my dad faded away. I fought the screams bursting inside me- if this was the true inspiration, why did he join the army?
Comment Written 28-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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I learned quite a lot from your critique. Thank you
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Happy you found it helpful.
Comment from Gail Denham
It pure amazes me to see the fellows and gals running and racing with the artificial limbs. It just blows my mind and encourages me as well. I see you have had a malady all your life as well.
Your story was written smoothly - even though you went back and forth to the tragedy, it was smooth.
Excellent job. I felt right there with your racer.
Good job.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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It pure amazes me to see the fellows and gals running and racing with the artificial limbs. It just blows my mind and encourages me as well. I see you have had a malady all your life as well.
Your story was written smoothly - even though you went back and forth to the tragedy, it was smooth.
Excellent job. I felt right there with your racer.
Good job.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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Thank you
Comment from Randa Dayle
I LOVE IT! How inspiring. I love how hard the struggle of the race was, and how the lady with cancer stayed with him and finished together. After all, we are never really alone.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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I LOVE IT! How inspiring. I love how hard the struggle of the race was, and how the lady with cancer stayed with him and finished together. After all, we are never really alone.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Beri Bee
What an excellent story that just pulled me along with it as if every word were true! You've painted a very authentic scenario full of thoughts that feel very real! BRAVO! Well done!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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What an excellent story that just pulled me along with it as if every word were true! You've painted a very authentic scenario full of thoughts that feel very real! BRAVO! Well done!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tom Excellent story here, my friend. Good images like this for instance: "I escaped my flurry of brittle nervousness by watching the early morning sun's radiant lines shimmered on the waters of Lake Michigan, and then looking at the massive luxurious architecture of Chicago's skyline. A sight, I thought I would never see again."
I do think this would have been a better opening (hook) to start off and daw interest: "My adrenalin raced through my body. Maybe, I shouldn't do this, (I thought) not the way that I am right now." (And then build the rest around that. (Just an idea, mind you)
May I further suggest: Change this for better sound, I think: You have: "I did, however, promised my mom before she died." Change to: However, I want to keep a promise I made to my mom before she died"
And change the beginning of his sentence to "I figured" instead of "I knew" ----"I knew this twenty-two-mile etc etc.."
Good job, Tom, just needs a bit of polish as all stories do. :) Bob
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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Hi, Tom Excellent story here, my friend. Good images like this for instance: "I escaped my flurry of brittle nervousness by watching the early morning sun's radiant lines shimmered on the waters of Lake Michigan, and then looking at the massive luxurious architecture of Chicago's skyline. A sight, I thought I would never see again."
I do think this would have been a better opening (hook) to start off and daw interest: "My adrenalin raced through my body. Maybe, I shouldn't do this, (I thought) not the way that I am right now." (And then build the rest around that. (Just an idea, mind you)
May I further suggest: Change this for better sound, I think: You have: "I did, however, promised my mom before she died." Change to: However, I want to keep a promise I made to my mom before she died"
And change the beginning of his sentence to "I figured" instead of "I knew" ----"I knew this twenty-two-mile etc etc.."
Good job, Tom, just needs a bit of polish as all stories do. :) Bob
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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I like your ideas and will use them, plan to enter the story in a contest, thanks for your help.
