St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "St. Louis Chapter 4 part 2"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
24 total reviews
Comment from 24chas
This was a good chapter, Barbara. Not sure how I missed it, but I wanted to get it before I read the next one. Logan and Mac really have a good chemistry together. Nice job.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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This was a good chapter, Barbara. Not sure how I missed it, but I wanted to get it before I read the next one. Logan and Mac really have a good chemistry together. Nice job.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2019
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Thank you for going back and reading this when there's no money attached.
Comment from Sefiros
I would have liked to see what happened at the grocery store. Maybe the bad guys went there at the same time and caught a glance. Some drama. Logan is coming off a little possessive in this chapter. I haven't read this story for a while so I'm rusty, but you might want to tone Logan down. He was almost hostile to Jose. Other than that, good writing.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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I would have liked to see what happened at the grocery store. Maybe the bad guys went there at the same time and caught a glance. Some drama. Logan is coming off a little possessive in this chapter. I haven't read this story for a while so I'm rusty, but you might want to tone Logan down. He was almost hostile to Jose. Other than that, good writing.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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You know those special forces types! They get a little interesting at times. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Long? I've posted chapters twice that long lately, though I do apologize and up the payment. I aim for 12-1500 for posts, so you're just fine. You don't post often enough for memory-impaired readers like me, but that's my problem. Good one, today. Smooth transition from the "girlfriend" scene to the rehash with friends. Nothing seems to faze Mac. She's too masculine for Logan. He needs to feel in charge. She'll steal his male role and he'll never be happy with her. She doesn't even cook! I suggest softening her somehow.
I don't think Whitney did it either. Whitney isn't a murderer's name. Maybe Boris, Al, or Vince. Or Harry the Hammer. I'd suggest Mac the Knife, but the sexy detective already took Mac. Hmmm... maybe she and her sister had a beef. Maybe a bloody battle over the will. Now that would be a twist! :)
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Long? I've posted chapters twice that long lately, though I do apologize and up the payment. I aim for 12-1500 for posts, so you're just fine. You don't post often enough for memory-impaired readers like me, but that's my problem. Good one, today. Smooth transition from the "girlfriend" scene to the rehash with friends. Nothing seems to faze Mac. She's too masculine for Logan. He needs to feel in charge. She'll steal his male role and he'll never be happy with her. She doesn't even cook! I suggest softening her somehow.
I don't think Whitney did it either. Whitney isn't a murderer's name. Maybe Boris, Al, or Vince. Or Harry the Hammer. I'd suggest Mac the Knife, but the sexy detective already took Mac. Hmmm... maybe she and her sister had a beef. Maybe a bloody battle over the will. Now that would be a twist! :)
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Maybe we'll have to wait and see. I appreciate your support.
Comment from shaffer40
There is some yummy dialogue in this section of your book. The characters are realistic and the story sounds interesting. The farthest I got with a novel was a novella; my goal is a novel. Good for you.
I noticed some places where there is awkward wording and made some corrections in punctuation.
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called from the car.
Need comma after "car"
"Let me guess you were the..."
Need comma: "Let me guess, you were the..."
She entered the front door, Logan held for her.
Suggest: Logan held the front door for her.
Logan held the backdoor open.
Suggest [to justify mentioning the doors so close together]:
Logan then opened the back door for the . [not clear why he's holding
the door open]
He beat my sister numerous times."
Doesn't quite sound conversational. He might say:
He beat my sister a bunch of times."
She adjusted the barrette holding part of her bangs and the sides of her
hair back.
Suggest: She adjusted the barrette holding back part of her bangs and
the sides of her hair.
Again, both dogs ran to her vying for attention.
Need comma after "ran to her"
Again, both dogs ran to her, vying for attention.
"Hey, in my defense I am a man. You were scantily dressed."
Comma after "defense"
"It's summer. Schools out," added Logan.
Apostrophe in "School's"
Frustrated she said,
Comma after "Frustrated"
"Principals don't take the entire summer off." She readjusted her barrette.
Frustrated she said, "I can't get this right." She took it out. "Anyway,
females talk so maybe somebody can fill us in on who Megan was
seeing."
Suggest: She readjusted her barrette. "I can't get this thing right," she
grumbled, then removed it. "Anyway....."
*********************
In your comments below the story, I noticed a few things:
Sorry about last weeks post.
weeks needs apostrophe -- last week's post.
I couldn't post with no Internet.
Suggest: I had no Internet and couldn't post.
Thank you google a photo of a steak dinner.
Suggest: Thank you, Google, for the photo of a steak dinner.
a life of it's own
No apostrophe in "it's" -- a life of its own.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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There is some yummy dialogue in this section of your book. The characters are realistic and the story sounds interesting. The farthest I got with a novel was a novella; my goal is a novel. Good for you.
I noticed some places where there is awkward wording and made some corrections in punctuation.
*************************
called from the car.
Need comma after "car"
"Let me guess you were the..."
Need comma: "Let me guess, you were the..."
She entered the front door, Logan held for her.
Suggest: Logan held the front door for her.
Logan held the backdoor open.
Suggest [to justify mentioning the doors so close together]:
Logan then opened the back door for the . [not clear why he's holding
the door open]
He beat my sister numerous times."
Doesn't quite sound conversational. He might say:
He beat my sister a bunch of times."
She adjusted the barrette holding part of her bangs and the sides of her
hair back.
Suggest: She adjusted the barrette holding back part of her bangs and
the sides of her hair.
Again, both dogs ran to her vying for attention.
Need comma after "ran to her"
Again, both dogs ran to her, vying for attention.
"Hey, in my defense I am a man. You were scantily dressed."
Comma after "defense"
"It's summer. Schools out," added Logan.
Apostrophe in "School's"
Frustrated she said,
Comma after "Frustrated"
"Principals don't take the entire summer off." She readjusted her barrette.
Frustrated she said, "I can't get this right." She took it out. "Anyway,
females talk so maybe somebody can fill us in on who Megan was
seeing."
Suggest: She readjusted her barrette. "I can't get this thing right," she
grumbled, then removed it. "Anyway....."
*********************
In your comments below the story, I noticed a few things:
Sorry about last weeks post.
weeks needs apostrophe -- last week's post.
I couldn't post with no Internet.
Suggest: I had no Internet and couldn't post.
Thank you google a photo of a steak dinner.
Suggest: Thank you, Google, for the photo of a steak dinner.
a life of it's own
No apostrophe in "it's" -- a life of its own.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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I think I corrected all the suggestions you made. Thank you for the time you put into the review.
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You're welcome. I'm glad you found the suggestions useful.
Comment from sandragee
Logan is putting out Mac's dogs for her, shopping for food with her, and cooking for her. Their relationship has progress to the point that has Logan asking himself the question, "What have I gotten myself into?"
Your dialogue is realistic, and I like the way it dominated this chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2019
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Logan is putting out Mac's dogs for her, shopping for food with her, and cooking for her. Their relationship has progress to the point that has Logan asking himself the question, "What have I gotten myself into?"
Your dialogue is realistic, and I like the way it dominated this chapter.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
First, your notes... Well, I'd say there's really no help needed. The only small suggestion I have is for the cliche, 'wink of an eye'. It's "blink of an eye". Once again, Barbara, I pictured this as if I was watching a movie. You might want to keep that in mind for this book!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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First, your notes... Well, I'd say there's really no help needed. The only small suggestion I have is for the cliche, 'wink of an eye'. It's "blink of an eye". Once again, Barbara, I pictured this as if I was watching a movie. You might want to keep that in mind for this book!
Comment Written 24-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2019
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Thank you for the catch. I appreciate it.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from tfawcus
Good to hear that you're connected again, Barbara.
As always, slick, fast-moving dialogue with good touches of humour. Action tags like this one work well to add interest: Again, both dogs ran to her vying for attention. As she petted them, she glanced at Logan.
It will be interesting to see where this is headed next.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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Good to hear that you're connected again, Barbara.
As always, slick, fast-moving dialogue with good touches of humour. Action tags like this one work well to add interest: Again, both dogs ran to her vying for attention. As she petted them, she glanced at Logan.
It will be interesting to see where this is headed next.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Sophia Delgado
I very much enjoyed reading this! Your dialogue is realistic and your characters are memorable. I look forwards to reading the rest of this work. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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I very much enjoyed reading this! Your dialogue is realistic and your characters are memorable. I look forwards to reading the rest of this work. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Wabigoon
Barbara--
I have not, as far as I know, read any of this before. It is well done in terms of "spag" and that sort of stuff. My observation is that it is "thin," not rich enough. Your description of characters, the scene, thin, not rich enough in terms of pure description, I guess, adjectives. You have honed your writing down to the basics and, maybe, gone too far. Otherwise, excellent.
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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Barbara--
I have not, as far as I know, read any of this before. It is well done in terms of "spag" and that sort of stuff. My observation is that it is "thin," not rich enough. Your description of characters, the scene, thin, not rich enough in terms of pure description, I guess, adjectives. You have honed your writing down to the basics and, maybe, gone too far. Otherwise, excellent.
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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I don't like reading a lost of descriptions. Matter-of-fact when reading I actually skip over them. I will check and see if I have gone to far. Thank you for your input.
Comment from SLMorrical
I would feel slimy also if I had to dress like that undercover. I think it is nice that Logan lets the dogs out. Funny how Logan played he wasn't drooling over Mac. He has been drooling over her since he first met her. When a man cooks for a woman it means something. This is very good. It is getting intriguing, and having me asking questions. I look forward to your next post, and maybe have those questions answered. This flows well. As I was reading I could see the whole conversation between Mac and Logan.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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I would feel slimy also if I had to dress like that undercover. I think it is nice that Logan lets the dogs out. Funny how Logan played he wasn't drooling over Mac. He has been drooling over her since he first met her. When a man cooks for a woman it means something. This is very good. It is getting intriguing, and having me asking questions. I look forward to your next post, and maybe have those questions answered. This flows well. As I was reading I could see the whole conversation between Mac and Logan.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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Thank you for the encouragement.
