Reviews from

Breach

Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Death Match"
A horror adventure story about alternate reality

16 total reviews 
Comment from Alex Rosel
Excellent
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This is another excerpt filled with action {thumbs up}. You've maintained the narrative style in keeping with your previous posts.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

If they were peaceful then for now, I could rest. -- I'd add a comma after "If they were peaceful". It's ambiguous without the comma.

my eyes snapped open. I woke abruptly -- This is repetitious, and it tends to detract from the pace of the prose. Eyes snapping open when someone is asleep is akin to waking abruptly. If this was mine, I'd omit one of these.

the Jack flies lifted in flight -- This is nice imagery. It helps the reader imagine the scene in their mind's eye {smiles}.

Time slowed down, stood still. -- I like the snippet "Time slowed down." It's indicative of someone in a desperate situation panicking {smiles}.
The "stood still" doesn't really fit here since the narrative immediate proceeds to describe actions:
"I was sliding down";
"Saliva dripped, drop by drop";
"fangs snapping shut";
"My heartbeat thudding".
If time stood still, then no action would be taking place.


The blade cut deep with sickening squelches -- I like the strong "squelches" here. It's a precise word that conveys an exactness {smiles}.

As everything went black, the banshee filled my vision, still shrieking with rage. -- A nice sign-off likely to have the reader wanting to turn the page {smiles}.

 Comment Written 10-Oct-2019


reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
    Thanks so much for the review. I appreciate it and will be using your suggestions. The novel goes live on Amazon November 3!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2019
    Thanks so much for the review. I appreciate it and will be using your suggestions. The novel goes live on Amazon November 3!
Comment from Janilou
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

There seems to be an abudance of horror stories out on the Up Next listings tonight. This is the first decent one I have reviewed. Horror is not my usual choice of reading material, but I appreciate good writing in any genre. Well done. I know you said this is a rough draft, but I honestly didn't find anything in need of correction or edits.
All the best,
Jan

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2019


reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
    Thanks so much for your review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Ricky1024
Excellent
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Flowed well enough rewarding and coating the tech we s with gore.
Adjective and Objective Content.
Flowed mercifully.
While Descriptive Measures were perfect.
Doctor Ricky 1024

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2019


reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
    Thanks so much for your review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Sandra Montanino
Excellent
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Your story has a lot of action and you convey it well. You also infuse your story with a lot of imagination. Your talent is obvious. I'm not sure where you got this picture, but it fits the story well. Great job!!

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2019


reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. So glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
Excellent
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Five for content!!Very exciting and breathtaking. I was holding mine through the read! Some small suggestion...you have some incomplete sentences [paragraph 9 last lines] and some run on sentences [Paragraph 1 first line]. For dramatic effect, shorter sentences have more punch. The reader must stop at the period and the impact is stronger. Good read...keep going!

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2019


reply by the author on 06-Apr-2019
    Thanks so much for the feedback and the great review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from Mistydawn
Excellent
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Wow, what a chapter. It was so suspenseful that it pulled me right in held my attention to the very end. The ending was perfect, makes the reader want to come back for more. It's very well-written, your character, dialogue and action seems real, believable, nice job.

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2019


reply by the author on 05-Apr-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review! I really appreciate it!
Comment from beizanten
Excellent
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a unique picture and very interesting summary that entice people to read more. a good opening paragraph. a well written potline. Yu describe the chracter action and situation well bringing the story into life

 Comment Written 05-Apr-2019


reply by the author on 05-Apr-2019
    Thanks for the great review! I really appreciate it!
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Excellent
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Another adrenaline filled, fight or flight scene. Describe more the agony with more adjectives, and the feelings and thoughts of this person. I love the suspense.

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. I really appreciate it!
Comment from royowen
Excellent
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This is a very exciting episode, I've never quite known what a banshee was, except that popular saying. This had me riveted from beginning to end. I don't think I've read one of these series ever, but this was non stop excitement from beginning to end. Good characters, the attackee and his friends the flies, and of course the terrifying antagonist...the banshee. Well dine, excellent work, blessings, Roy
Typo : Warning me(,) but I waa already alert...

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. I really appreciate it. Please check out the other chapters on my portfolio. I?d appreciate it!
reply by royowen on 21-Mar-2019
    Well done Candace
Comment from Colin Lowley
Excellent
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You have a great way of expressing your words and i could not see any faults.
The words were clear and not dictionary bound which i prefer. very good a keep it coming.
Kind Regards Colin

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much Colin. I really appreciate the time you took to read and review. So glad you liked it. Stay tuned for more.