Comment from 24chas

Excellent

This was a powerful write, Lordinajamjar. It was well-written and I felt like I was there with the boy and I felt relief at the end when he was rescued. Good job.

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019

Thanks Chas. Glad you connected. I hoped to draw the reader in with this one.

Best
John

Comment from susand3022

Excellent

Thank you for not letting that dreadful mother person be on the other side of that door when it opened Lordjaminajar! I'm not sure if I could have stood a kick in the head. I felt for that child so much. As I was reading I was transported to that little closet. A great write. :)

 Comment Written 16-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 17-Mar-2019

Thank you Susan. Don't worry this little fellow grew up to have a very good life. ;)

Sadly I only have control over the characters in my stories. In real abuse goes on every day. How I wish I had the power to bring all that to an end.

Thanks for the review.

Best

John

reply by susand3022 on 17-Mar-2019

We all wish we could end all of those tragedies... unfortunately there are just some people who should never have become parents and nothing we can really do about it.

Comment from Robert Folan

Excellent

This is a really powerful post, and a really great image to match. I love how even though it's brief, you get so may details that really put this vivid image in your head.

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019

Thank you Robert. I am really encouraged by your positive comments.

Best
John

Comment from Debra White

Exceptional

Hi :)
Wow...what an emotional and harrowing story.
You told it so well - that poor child. I thought for the first part of the story that the person suffering was a domestic abuse victim, rather than a victim of child abuse, by his own mother no less. So very sad.
Your narrative is so descriptive, I could see vividly the story unfolding.
Fantastic title for your story... that police lady truly was the child's salvation.
All in all, a gripping and well written story.
Best wishes, Debra :)

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019

Wow thank you so much Debra for a wonderful, thoughtful review. I am humbled by your gracious comments and your very generous Six Star award.

Thank you.

Best
John

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

One of Wambaugh's Choirboys killed himself because he figured out the truth too late and the toddler was dead...excellent story, well and consistently told from the victim's point of view...

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Thanks Red. Well you just made me look up Wanbaugh and the Choir Boys. I have never read the book but now I am intrigued after reading about the 10 characters in the story.
Thanks for writeup abd insight.

All the best

John

Comment from Shirley McLain

Exceptional

What a heartwrenching abuse story. Your writing let me see all the cruelty that little boy endured. I did not find any errors with your writing. Have a blessed afternoon. Shirley

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Shirley thank you so much for the six stars.

It is not an appealing subject to write about but I had to let it out. I keep challenging myself to try and write on any subject or genre to try and improve my writing.

Thank you so much for your comments. It is total fiction but rest assured that little boy went on to have a long meaningful happy life.
;)

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

This made me weak. It made tears and made wonder...who could do this...who is the child? Was it you? I can't stonach abuse to kids...
God bless...I needed to give this a six
God bless

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Thanks Jenny.
Not me nor anyone I know. Just pure fiction, but sadly I fear it contains echoes of real life. I wish it were not so.

I like to challenge myself to see if I can extract tears as well laughter from a reader. I so wantvto learn this writing craft. Maybe I am finally trying to get ready to write that novel that has hidden itself from me all these years. But if not, I can still have some fun just hanging here with you wonderful writers.
Take care
John

reply by kiwijenny on 04-Mar-2019

John you moved me . I say write the novel inside .

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

A tale all too common and tragic. I wonder if the effect might have been more vivid if the narrative sounded more like that of a child? As it stands, I feel removed from the victim--separated by the author's 'telling'. While this is written in the first person, I still feel there's a middle man sculpting the story. One man's opinion. Peace, Lee.

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Thanks Hump for your thoughts. Yes I had thought anout delivering this in a childs voice. However I relented and decided to deliver it as reflection from the victim's mind now an adult.
Perhaps they are retelling this experience to a counsellor or a trusted partner. I may draw on this some day for a character in another story yet to be born.
Thanks again. Your thoughts were really appreciated. John.

Comment from jenintorre

Exceptional

Wow this is an amazing flash fiction. I was gripped from start to finish. A very sad story and not altogether uncommon. I was so relieved that it had a happy ending. Cheers Jen

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Thank you so very much for the six stars Jen.

It true that this is a sad testament on the abuse that goes on to so many innocent lives.

Rest assured though that this is a fictional account. Even so the boy grew up to have a very happy normal life.

:)

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hello, my friend. (name please?) LOL You have quite the interesting flash fiction here.

For the most part irt is good writing in my humble opinion.

Suggestions: Stop using the word "would" in your sentences. The burst of light would always hurt my eyes. I braced my back ready for the sudden kick,"

You do not need it and it harms the flow of your sentences somewhat.

Also: "She seemed so huge. " (try "she appeared so huge."

Good job. Bless you. Bob

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Thanks for the critical review Bob. It is much appreciated. I did nake some changes based on your advice.
I need to stop posting words as they are snatched from my head. I know my flaw. I rush headlong to construct the idea but I don"t make time to review the work. Polish it up. I need to stop doing that.

Thanks again Bob.

All the best, John.

reply by Mastery on 04-Mar-2019

Exactly! It is best to write what comes to mind, but reviewing is essential. I am going to send yo my list of tips that I have posted by my PC. I always refer to them to this day. Hope they come in handy. check your in box min a few. :) Bob

reply by Mastery on 04-Mar-2019

I looked, John. Don't you think it sounds a bit better? Bob

reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Absolutely Bob. :)

I replaced quite a few coulds. Lol

Thank you.

reply by Mastery on 04-Mar-2019

Its the little things combined that make a better looking and sounding write, my friend. :) Bob