The Point of Life
It's not a point so much as a perfect circle.58 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Warm welcome to Fanstory, Rachelle. I came across your name in the forum regarding a reply to a review, and I want to say I think your response was courteous and fine...it is just hard for people to decipher tone when people write online, so your conversation was misinterpreted as argument. I felt your responses were very appropriate, and so I felt an urge to read your work. I'm not very active on FS (as I used to be) but when I do visit, I prefer reviewing those who welcome critique and are more serious about the writing craft. So I am glad to meet you!
I enjoyed the full circle of your poem, with that clever 'bookend' effect. Made me smile. Good flow and rhyming. I understand your choice to use caps on Point of Life and the Golden Years, but I must honestly share my impression: a bit gimmicky! The poem does not need that. It is strong on its own. Another point of critique: please notice how many lines start with the word AND. Not a great choice, in my opinion. I suggest revising at least two or three, if not more. That is a personal opinion, though--not a correction!
An example edit could be:
To find a mate,
And work I'd love,
To find a mate,
Do work I' love,
One further suggestion for your consideration (a matter of style): consider not capping every line but rather use caps at the start of sentences, as there is much enjambment and this is also a narrative-style poem (story poem).
The cadence is good read aloud, but I felt an unwanted 'beat' in the AND in this line;
Soon, children came,
And the Point of Life
Was focused all on them:
So I suggest:
Soon, children came.
The Point of Life
Was focused all on them:
Another place it would be easy to alter the AND would be here:
And now The Golden Years are here,
And The Point, once again, is this:
(and also the rhythm of the second line above is a bit choppy...so trimming ONCE would be optimal):
Now that The Golden Years are here,
The Point, again, is this:
With all above suggestion (just so you can compare and decide if you like my ideas):
In my youth,
the point of life
seemed obvious to me:
to laugh, to play, to eat sweet things,
to revel in feeling free.
Then, as I aged,
the point of life
became to settle down:
to find a mate,
do work I love,
and be achievement-bound.
Soon, children came.
The Point of Life
was focused all on them:
to help them grow,
to teach them well,
and make each a precious gem.
Now that The Golden Years are here,
the Point, again, is this:
laugh and play with those you love,
And you will know sweet bliss.
I enjoyed your poem! I hope you like some of my suggestions. If not, the poem is fine as it is. I just think it could be even better...so five stars for you.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2019
  |
Warm welcome to Fanstory, Rachelle. I came across your name in the forum regarding a reply to a review, and I want to say I think your response was courteous and fine...it is just hard for people to decipher tone when people write online, so your conversation was misinterpreted as argument. I felt your responses were very appropriate, and so I felt an urge to read your work. I'm not very active on FS (as I used to be) but when I do visit, I prefer reviewing those who welcome critique and are more serious about the writing craft. So I am glad to meet you!
I enjoyed the full circle of your poem, with that clever 'bookend' effect. Made me smile. Good flow and rhyming. I understand your choice to use caps on Point of Life and the Golden Years, but I must honestly share my impression: a bit gimmicky! The poem does not need that. It is strong on its own. Another point of critique: please notice how many lines start with the word AND. Not a great choice, in my opinion. I suggest revising at least two or three, if not more. That is a personal opinion, though--not a correction!
An example edit could be:
To find a mate,
And work I'd love,
To find a mate,
Do work I' love,
One further suggestion for your consideration (a matter of style): consider not capping every line but rather use caps at the start of sentences, as there is much enjambment and this is also a narrative-style poem (story poem).
The cadence is good read aloud, but I felt an unwanted 'beat' in the AND in this line;
Soon, children came,
And the Point of Life
Was focused all on them:
So I suggest:
Soon, children came.
The Point of Life
Was focused all on them:
Another place it would be easy to alter the AND would be here:
And now The Golden Years are here,
And The Point, once again, is this:
(and also the rhythm of the second line above is a bit choppy...so trimming ONCE would be optimal):
Now that The Golden Years are here,
The Point, again, is this:
With all above suggestion (just so you can compare and decide if you like my ideas):
In my youth,
the point of life
seemed obvious to me:
to laugh, to play, to eat sweet things,
to revel in feeling free.
Then, as I aged,
the point of life
became to settle down:
to find a mate,
do work I love,
and be achievement-bound.
Soon, children came.
The Point of Life
was focused all on them:
to help them grow,
to teach them well,
and make each a precious gem.
Now that The Golden Years are here,
the Point, again, is this:
laugh and play with those you love,
And you will know sweet bliss.
I enjoyed your poem! I hope you like some of my suggestions. If not, the poem is fine as it is. I just think it could be even better...so five stars for you.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 08-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2019
-
I DO like your suggestions, rama. They are very good and, indeed, helped the poem to flow. Later tonight, when I return home from lessons, I'll edit accordingly. Thank you for all the work you did and the time you spent. I appreciate both very much.
I appreciate, as well, your comments about my response to the reviewer. As you said, in print, sometimes it's hard to discern tone, so I was glad you heard mine in the spirit in which I wrote it. That was heartening to read.
-
Thanks for your gracious response, Rachelle! Much appreciated. Glad to be of help, too! Yay!
Warmly, rd
Comment from sfharper
I wish your explanation line came in the poem but it does, just not quite so directly stated, more showed than anything. Good stanza breaks. I love the end line. Enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
|
I wish your explanation line came in the poem but it does, just not quite so directly stated, more showed than anything. Good stanza breaks. I love the end line. Enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for this really nice review, sfharper. I hear what you're saying about the explanation line. Its reference in the poem isn't as direct. I appreciate reading, though, that...sorry here...POINT got across. (lol) I appreciate your encouragement with your feedback. xo
Comment from Yvon
I liked this. We all have a different point of life and only the blessed follow a true one. The first para was bang on the nose for me. That was exactly how I saw it. Until I was called for bed.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
|
I liked this. We all have a different point of life and only the blessed follow a true one. The first para was bang on the nose for me. That was exactly how I saw it. Until I was called for bed.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
-
Thank you, Yvon. This was a really nice review, and I appreciate it. It's always good to hear when a story 'hits home' with a reviewer. xo
Comment from June Sargent
Yes, this pretty much sums it up. We come full circle and start all over again by playing in our golden years with grandchildren. Very well thought out sentiments. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
|
Yes, this pretty much sums it up. We come full circle and start all over again by playing in our golden years with grandchildren. Very well thought out sentiments. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
-
That variety of sweetness is especially wonderful, isn't it?!
Thank you for this very nice review, June. xo
Comment from coffeeandink
The circle of life is what Elton sang, and if you arrive old with a scar, keep smiling, at least you arrived. So, think of the book, Happy happy happy and view their intro song, and enjoy the beauty of a new generation. Nicely written, continue to grow, is what you said, so I left you a memo. Have a beautiful day.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
|
The circle of life is what Elton sang, and if you arrive old with a scar, keep smiling, at least you arrived. So, think of the book, Happy happy happy and view their intro song, and enjoy the beauty of a new generation. Nicely written, continue to grow, is what you said, so I left you a memo. Have a beautiful day.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
-
I love this review, coffeeandink. It's started my day off with the best smile. Thank you for that. xo
Comment from nancyjam
Each stage of life has a point, I guess. As we age we, hopefully, become
wiser and realize what is really important.
Then when we reach the golden years we can be happy knowing we have lived and
loved and had a good life.
Good luck in the contest.
Nancy
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
|
Each stage of life has a point, I guess. As we age we, hopefully, become
wiser and realize what is really important.
Then when we reach the golden years we can be happy knowing we have lived and
loved and had a good life.
Good luck in the contest.
Nancy
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
-
Exactly! You totally 'get' me on this one, Nancy. Thank you for this warm and validating review. xo
Comment from jmshumate
This is a good prose poem you have written. You clearly take the reader through the stages of life, or the circle of life, hope I get to the end part someday! Thank you for sharing this.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
|
This is a good prose poem you have written. You clearly take the reader through the stages of life, or the circle of life, hope I get to the end part someday! Thank you for sharing this.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
-
Now THAT's some kind of serious good attitude, Jmshumate!! Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about - just look forward to it, because, regardless, it's going to happen, right? So choose joy. Go you! xo
Comment from Boogienights
This poem hits home with me. So nicely told, it mirrors how I always felt about the stages in my life. I'm in the laugh and play stage in my later years and its great.Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
|
This poem hits home with me. So nicely told, it mirrors how I always felt about the stages in my life. I'm in the laugh and play stage in my later years and its great.Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
-
It's heavenly, isn't it?! I'm happy to read that you have arrived!
Thank you for this warm and wonderful review, Boogienights!
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
It's a nice piece of poetry meeting the required norms, and transparently depicting its theme.
Impressive and matching the theme phraseology.
Smooth, and enchanting flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lovely rhyming scheme.
Picture + words above enhance beauty of the poem.
Best of Luck!
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
 |
Hello Friend,
It's a nice piece of poetry meeting the required norms, and transparently depicting its theme.
Impressive and matching the theme phraseology.
Smooth, and enchanting flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lovely rhyming scheme.
Picture + words above enhance beauty of the poem.
Best of Luck!
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
-
You sweet and wonderful reviewer, you! Thank you for these warm, helpful words. They couldn't be appreciated more. xo
-
Friend, Most Welcome!
&
Your Lovely words, WOW!
I'm experiencing a speechless joy. Have a pleasant weekend ~ RP
Comment from susand3022
Hello Author, you couldn't have chosen a better topic to write about... so incredibly sweet. Your sentiment came through like water through a sieve and the flow was perfect as you followed each stage of life. Great job. ð???
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
|
Hello Author, you couldn't have chosen a better topic to write about... so incredibly sweet. Your sentiment came through like water through a sieve and the flow was perfect as you followed each stage of life. Great job. ð???
Comment Written 01-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019
-
Wow! What a very sweet review this was to read, Susan. Thank you very much. You've made my day. xo
