Reviews from

Picking Up the Pieces

Mothers wise words spurs a daughter to action

17 total reviews 
Comment from Randa Dayle
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Very good story for the writing prompt: Just pick up the pieces...it is hard to get dumped, and by a mother who doesn't seem to appreciate her. Nice characters. Good job!

 Comment Written 21-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from humpwhistle
Excellent
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Well, I guess everyone got what they deserved. And you really delivered on the required phrase. I wonder though, if you may have laid it on a little thick? The mother comes across as a one-dimensional caricature. Just a thought.

Peace, Lee


in the outdoor patio -- I believe all patios are outdoor, and one sits 'on' a patio, rather than 'in'.

"good old Plain Jane." --Need a capital 'G'.

 Comment Written 19-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
    Thanks for the review and the feedback. I appreciate it.
Comment from JudyE
Excellent
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That'll learn 'em. lol. This was well written I thought and the tension builds up beautifully although we don't learn the outcome till the finish which is good. There are a few spaces here and there that shouldn't appear and some sentences run together as one whereas I might have made two as in: The remaining staff was terrified of my mother, quite honestly, so was I.' I would have had a period after 'mother'.

while I stood there, shattered on the sidewalk. - comma after 'shattered'.

I could her my mothers words in my head. - 'her' should be 'hear'. Apostrophe needed in 'mother' - 'mother's words'

his begging and screaming was driving me insane. - 'was' should be 'were'.

It's probably not important but I wonder if an electric carving knife can take off a leg. Good luck with the contest. This deserves to do well.


 Comment Written 19-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the review. I?ll make those corrections when I edit it. Appreciate the feedback.
Comment from LisaMay
Excellent
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She sure went psycho on her nearest and dearest... I don't blame her at all, but I hope it was in her dreams and she just packed her bags and went and got happy somewhere else.
You wrote this brilliantly and it built up to its gruesome climax in a most satisfying way.

Some of your dialogue punctuation is a bit off. I am no expert, but suggest the following amendments. Main one to note is that a new sentence begins with a Cap letter. And make position of speech marks consistent... outside of the full stop.

Jane., stop sniveling, (remove the full stop after 'Jane'.

My mother stood up and sighed, "well if you have nothing to say (put full stop after 'sighed', then a Cap 'W')

narrowing her glare at me, she continued, "do try to pick (put full stop after 'continued', then a Cap 'D')

"What is it now,Jane ? I really am busy." (put comma after 'now' and then a space. Delete space between 'Jane' and ?)

contrite and soothing, "yes, Mother, of course". (put full stop after 'soothing'. Then cap 'Y')

I smiled sweetly, "yes dear, (put full stop after 'sweetly'. Then cap 'Y')

upset about Gwendolyn ? ". He had the decency (remove space between 'Gwendolyn' and ? and remove space between ? and "; also delete full stop as it is not needed after a question mark))

I tittered perkily,swallowing the bile in my throat, " oh that, boys will be boys, (put space after comma and 'swallowing'; put full stop after 'throat'; delete space after speech mark and make oh with a Cap O.

You have outdone yourself tonight. ". My mother snickered, "yes, you've actually set the table (delete space between full stop and speech mark; also delete full stop between speech mark and My. Change comma after snickered to a full stop and put Cap Y)

 Comment Written 12-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 12-Mar-2019
    Thanks for the great review and the editing tips. I?ll be applying those to the revised draft. Appreciate the help.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent
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She certainly picked up the pieces. You had me from the start. I didn't expect Jane to do what she did. Great story. Wouldn't recommend any changes. Have a great evening. Shirley

 Comment Written 11-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 11-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. I really appreciate it
Comment from kiwijenny
Excellent
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Yikes yikes yikes yikes...carving a roast is one thing...carving a leg of man is quite another..
And letting a cruel hateful mother watch....well I guess you served just desserts.
Well penned. You had me intrigued
God bless

 Comment Written 11-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 11-Mar-2019
    Thanks for the great review. So glad you liked this piece. Check out my portfolio for more fun stuff!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Excellent
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Love it! LOL! She got revenge on both of them, in the cruelest way. They deserved it, I think, for being so cruel to her. She outdid their cruelty to show them how she had felt, and there was no going back now. :)

 Comment Written 11-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 11-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review! I really appreciate it.
Comment from susand3022
Excellent
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Candace!!!!! I love this little twist! Hahahahahaha! It gave me such a victorious feeling at the end for this 'plain Jane'. You know... there's only one guy I've ever harbored any such feelings for... I'd always pictured his punishment... hanging naked by his toes, way up high by a tree branch drizzled with honey... while the bees do their thing, especially around his privates... struggle dude... struggle while I enjoy the view from below... I think you'll hang next to a Hornets nest! LOL

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 07-Mar-2019
    That?s a heck of a visual. Lol. Thanks so much for the great review. Check out my portfolio for more. Appreciate it!
Comment from Mistydawn
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This is a very interesting, well-written piece. Your dialogue seems natural and your characters real. I had a feeling she was going to do something, saying what she did at the cafe. Can't say I blame her, a heartless mom and a cheating hubby. Great post.

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 07-Mar-2019
    Thanks so much for the great review. I?m so glad you enjoyed this piece. Please see my portfolio for more!
Comment from 24chas
Excellent
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This was a good read, Candace Nola. I liked the piecing, er, I mean pacing of it. That was quite a dinner, wasn't it? The characters were fleshed out properly and the dialogue was realistic as well. Good job and good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 07-Mar-2019


reply by the author on 07-Mar-2019
    Thanks again and I really appreciate the time you took to read and review my work today. Please see my full portfolio for more!