Mamaragan
An exercise with slant rhyme used for a purpose (see note)42 total reviews
Comment from sfharper
Good use of rhyme to build a sense of song as the backbone of a mythic tale complete with clear details of setting, sound, and other senses. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2019
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Good use of rhyme to build a sense of song as the backbone of a mythic tale complete with clear details of setting, sound, and other senses. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2019
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Thanks for going back to review this one. It seems that I was pipped at the post by Dean in the Poem of the Month contest! Glad you enjoyed it. All the best, Tony
Comment from trimple
Good morning to you, Tony.
I have never heard you read aloud before, Tony, but you certainly have your listener glued to every word of this superb poem.
The mythological stories of old are often filled with extraordinary events and your interpretation of this Aboriginal tale is no less compelling.
I had never thought before of solid and slant rhyme having bearing on the feel of story-poem as it becomes more hectic.
The story is wonderfully told and you use some fabulous metaphors in this, to illustrate a point.
Thoroughly enjoyable, Tony.
Your puppy, in this case, is so refreshing to what is usually the chocolate box type here. :)
Bravo!
kind regards
tracey
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2019
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Good morning to you, Tony.
I have never heard you read aloud before, Tony, but you certainly have your listener glued to every word of this superb poem.
The mythological stories of old are often filled with extraordinary events and your interpretation of this Aboriginal tale is no less compelling.
I had never thought before of solid and slant rhyme having bearing on the feel of story-poem as it becomes more hectic.
The story is wonderfully told and you use some fabulous metaphors in this, to illustrate a point.
Thoroughly enjoyable, Tony.
Your puppy, in this case, is so refreshing to what is usually the chocolate box type here. :)
Bravo!
kind regards
tracey
Comment Written 16-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2019
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Thanks for this lovely review, Tracey, and for the six stars. The puppy must have been modelled on our own recent acquisition - definitely not of the chocolate box variety - a right little tearaway.
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It was such a pleasure to read this story of Mamaragan.
No point being a puppy if you can't tear away, now is there :)
I hope you and your new little pup and of course the grandchildren enjoy each other's company and that he fills you all with great joy.
much love
tracey
Comment from Treischel
Outstanding! Not only do you deftly dance with rhyme in these abab rhymed Quatrains in iambic pentameter (mostly), but you include mythology, alliteration, metaphor, simile, enjambment, caesura, and onomatopoeia. Not only that, you tell a dramatic tale of dying while flying a kite in a thunder storm. Bravo!
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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Outstanding! Not only do you deftly dance with rhyme in these abab rhymed Quatrains in iambic pentameter (mostly), but you include mythology, alliteration, metaphor, simile, enjambment, caesura, and onomatopoeia. Not only that, you tell a dramatic tale of dying while flying a kite in a thunder storm. Bravo!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
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Thanks very much for your review and comments, Tom. Much appreciated, as are the six stars accompanying them.
Comment from rspoet
Hello Tony,
A marvelous use of slant rhyme and other poetics to their best effect.
Your poem transitions from the calm to the chaos of the storm both in word and rhyme.
I think your slant rhymes draw attention to what is happening
and they are the correct rhymes, which makes them 'perfect'.
Loved your reading, too. Ir's interesting to put a voice on the imagery
Well done
Robert
PS. I'm reading Lucky Jim by Amis Kingsley. He dedicated it to Philip Larkin, a live-long friend
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hello Tony,
A marvelous use of slant rhyme and other poetics to their best effect.
Your poem transitions from the calm to the chaos of the storm both in word and rhyme.
I think your slant rhymes draw attention to what is happening
and they are the correct rhymes, which makes them 'perfect'.
Loved your reading, too. Ir's interesting to put a voice on the imagery
Well done
Robert
PS. I'm reading Lucky Jim by Amis Kingsley. He dedicated it to Philip Larkin, a live-long friend
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Robert. I think that I read somewhere recently that Lucky Jim had a few biographical undertones, paralleling aspects of Larkin?s life. I must read it.
Thanks very much for the award of six stars and for your generous comments.
Comment from Pam (respa)
-The image is an effective one.
-Your notes are appreciated.
-I listened to your reading first, Tony,
as I was curious what you would sound like.
-I was expecting an Australian accent,
but it was more British.
-You tell this tale very well with strong
imagery and effective rhyme.
-I like how you go from the
"gentle swish of leaves" to
"The wind, with nostrils flared."
-I enjoyed the poem and learning
a little bit about Mamaragan.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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-The image is an effective one.
-Your notes are appreciated.
-I listened to your reading first, Tony,
as I was curious what you would sound like.
-I was expecting an Australian accent,
but it was more British.
-You tell this tale very well with strong
imagery and effective rhyme.
-I like how you go from the
"gentle swish of leaves" to
"The wind, with nostrils flared."
-I enjoyed the poem and learning
a little bit about Mamaragan.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Pam. I get to sound more Australian after a couple of beers!
Whilst I?m enjoying Jim?s course, I shall be glad to get back to The French Letter soon.
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You are very welcome for the review, Tony.I guess you didn't have a couple of beers when you recorded this. How long have you lived in Australia?
I am sure you are missing all the goings on with Charles. I am glad you are enjoying the course. Your poetry is always interesting.
Comment from LisaMay
I recognised the Ainslie Roberts illustration from my childhood. The Dreamtime book was my favourite (I am an Aussie). You have done a marvellous poem here, very evocative of the arrival of Mamaragan - a peaceful, tranquil setting is transformed to a raging storm and back again.... great imagery here and sound effects. I also enjoyed the ambiguity of kites: whether they be on a string or those majestic birds.
I noticed in your spoken narration (great diction and effective phrasing) that you said "The ancient trunk is split.", but in the written poem it is "This ancient trunk is split."
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I recognised the Ainslie Roberts illustration from my childhood. The Dreamtime book was my favourite (I am an Aussie). You have done a marvellous poem here, very evocative of the arrival of Mamaragan - a peaceful, tranquil setting is transformed to a raging storm and back again.... great imagery here and sound effects. I also enjoyed the ambiguity of kites: whether they be on a string or those majestic birds.
I noticed in your spoken narration (great diction and effective phrasing) that you said "The ancient trunk is split.", but in the written poem it is "This ancient trunk is split."
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thank you very much for your review, LisaMay. My children enjoyed that book, too. What amazing illustrations and what a powerful imagination.
I appreciated your comments about the poem. You are quite right about the slip of the tongue when I did the sound recording. I should really go back and correct it.
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I think the word "the" is actually better to use than "this" (one less sybillant sound)... and maybe because you spoke it in the narration might mean that it is a more natural fit? But then again, maybe having what you wrote is the best indication of what you intended.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Tony
Wonderful writing. The deterioration of the solid rhymes as the reader moves towards chaos is deftly done. I found the use of the word 'kite' clever and ominous (as in the hovering kite) in the last line and I enjoyed the exploration of 'w' in the fourth verse. The metre flows.
Such an interesting topic for the reader too.
This goes some way to compensate me for the overdose of puppies, Jesus and therapy which, as a reader on FS, I normally have to endure: I thank you for that.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hello Tony
Wonderful writing. The deterioration of the solid rhymes as the reader moves towards chaos is deftly done. I found the use of the word 'kite' clever and ominous (as in the hovering kite) in the last line and I enjoyed the exploration of 'w' in the fourth verse. The metre flows.
Such an interesting topic for the reader too.
This goes some way to compensate me for the overdose of puppies, Jesus and therapy which, as a reader on FS, I normally have to endure: I thank you for that.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 14-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Very many thanks, Phill, for this review and for the six-star award. I don't think anyone else picked up on the kite in the last line being a bird. I believe that Isis used to sometimes take the form of a kite to resurrect the dead.
Although they can be tedious, poems about puppies, Jesus and therapy do provide easy Members' Cents in times of need!
All the best, Tony
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Tony,
Quite an interesting subject choice and change of pace from the novel.
The word imagery is mimicked in the chosen image and ebbs and flows with the
tension in the tale.
The use of slant rhyme complements the other effects well.
Well narrated.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hi Tony,
Quite an interesting subject choice and change of pace from the novel.
The word imagery is mimicked in the chosen image and ebbs and flows with the
tension in the tale.
The use of slant rhyme complements the other effects well.
Well narrated.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Shirley. I appreciate your review and encouraging comments. It's good of you to take the time. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Rob Caudle
Wow I can tell you how much better your reading was then mine. Your voice gave life to your well penned verse. Thank you so much it was a pleasure to read but a thing of beauty to hear.
Rob
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Wow I can tell you how much better your reading was then mine. Your voice gave life to your well penned verse. Thank you so much it was a pleasure to read but a thing of beauty to hear.
Rob
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Rob. I appreciate your kind words. I'm always a bit diffident about adding sound tracks. I wince when I hear my own voice played back - it always sounds so different to the way it does in my head! Glad you enjoyed it though.
Comment from dragonpoet
Thanks for teaching me about a different mythology. I like the use of the kite as freedom from the storm and the storm ruining that fun and freedom. You use sound well in this poem.
Keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks for teaching me about a different mythology. I like the use of the kite as freedom from the storm and the storm ruining that fun and freedom. You use sound well in this poem.
Keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Many thanks, Joan. I appreciate your comments about my poem. All the best, Tony
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No problem, Tony.
Joan
