Reviews from

All That Was Said (at The Red Moon)

Will Donahe makes a long overdue profession of love.

28 total reviews 
Comment from Gail Denham
Average
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

There's a story here. Probably a very good story - although melodramatic. However, it needs work. Are you part of a critique group? I hope so.
Some of your description is excellent. In other places, it's overdone - stops the action. Weave the description in with the action.
Your characters are well defined. There are some pretty big holes in the plot. Throughout the story, some clever descriptions, actions and character sketches are great.
I hope you can get with other writers and work on this. Have you written much before? The story held my interest. Would have preferred a less fatal ending. Some gaps in your story could be easily filled in - such as why did Will wait this long? (many reasons come to mind). Did he dress up that day to win her heart?
Sure hope you can get help editing this story. You have a flair for story telling. Realistic and punchy. Far better this than some of the sappy romance writing we often see. Good luck


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 Comment Written 18-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 18-Feb-2019
    Thank you
Comment from phill doran
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hello again
Very good: it is a pity the title would not fit as it carries the story well. Excellent dialogue and some very good characterization. The reader gets a full sense of the landscape of the bar and the main personnel. I thought it clever to have Maggie itemize Will's clothes - sensible dialogue, believable and you slipped in the description without being clunky about it.
My only contribution in all of this is that I think "Bay-Rum" should be "bay rum" (no hyphen and lower case 'b' and 'r'): a small point and I don't want to get into an argument with you about it, fearing the Jimmy Pearson dispute resolution technique.
I wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 17-Feb-2019
    Thank you phill for your review of this piece, and also for the generous rating. Not to worry. I'm a lover not a fighter. I welcome critiques and change suggestions. It's what makes me a better writer. So hit me with it, lol.
    I am glad you liked this story.
    Be well.
    J Dan Francis
Comment from Chris Davies
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I enjoyed your story! You drew your characters so well - they felt very real. Good build up of tension and an emotional ending. I was cheering 'til the end that Will would somehow make it.

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much Chris for the review and six star rating. Your review put me at all time best. Very grateful.
    My best to you
    J Dan Francis
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
    Thank you so much Chris for the review and six star rating. Your review put me at all time best. Very grateful.
    My best to you
    J Dan Francis
reply by Chris Davies on 15-Feb-2019
    My pleasure, it was a good story!
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

First of all, I am deeply sorry I do not have six stars to give you. I would give you many more than that if it were possible. I truly am sorry :(
This is the best story I have read in a very long time.
Smooth, easy reading.
Your skills with storytelling are exceptional.
I felt every breath and every emotion of this story, and felt it deeply.
I feel in love with Will from the beginning. I could feel where his heart was and what his plans were and was anxiously reading through feeling flustered for poor Will (and Maggie). At the same time, I could sense something bad was going to happen. The suspense was there.
I could easily envision the bar, and each character you described.
Even after Will had died, you went on with the story using Maggie and Will's friends to continue. I liked that ending, not that Will died, but that I could relate to how angry and devastated Maggie was, and I would have gotten up in Pearson's face too.
YOU ARE AN EXCEPTIONAL WRITER!
Please forgive me for not having six stars :(
Gale

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
    Thank you gale for your review and rating. No worry on the rating, your words meant more to me than six stars ever will. You are very kind and I greatly appreciate what you wrote. That put me over the moon.
    All my best to you and be well!

    J Dan Francis
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2019
    Thank you gale for your review and rating. No worry on the rating, your words meant more to me than six stars ever will. You are very kind and I greatly appreciate what you wrote. That put me over the moon.
    All my best to you and be well!

    J Dan Francis
Comment from Ada Jewell
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I am not sure where you have been hiding. I have not seen any of your work until now. I must say, I am impressed. Seriously, I really tried to find something wrong. I just didn't. Fantastic job! Happy Valentines Day....

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
    Thank you Ada for your review and very generous rating. You made my day. I was very happy to read that you were impressed with this story. Hope I can impress you with my other stories in the near future. Thanks again and Happy Valentines Day to you also.
    J Dan Francis
Comment from humpwhistle
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I'm sorry, but I had to cry 'Uncle!' about halfway through. Please don't be offended. Just a matter of style. You lean toward detailed description. I prefer a lighter brushstroke, a more rapid flow. No harm, no foul.

Peace, Lee


 Comment Written 13-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
    Thank you Lee. Not offended. I took a look through it and I agree. There is some definite changes needed in some of the descriptive parts. Can just do with out it and also shorten it up a bit. Thanks for trying and for the generous rating. My style definitely not for everyone.
    My best to you
    J Dan Francis
Comment from sandramitchell
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I'm sorry I don't have a six left, that was the saddest, most romantic, saddest, sweetest, saddest story I've ever read. It's always the coward that does these things. I wished we'd had an ending where he'd paid for what he'd done. What beautiful story, Dan, a shy man took all that time, all those years to pluck up the courage to propose, I'm glad she said yes. and then it was cruelly taken from them. So very sad. Amazing story telling! :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
    Thank you Sandra for your review and rating. Don't worry about that sixth star, I'm just glad you really liked the story and thought it amazing. All my best to you.
    J Dan Francis
reply by sandramitchell on 13-Feb-2019
    I did, and don't think I'll forget it, either. xxx
Comment from swelling
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Excellent dialogue and character development.
I was a little uncertain with how to rate this (4 stars or 5) as I agree with some of the other critiques in that some areas could use a little more polish as I too was drifting away in places but I decided on 5 as it is an engaging story - even with the devastating ending. I loved Maggie - she is a great character. Thanks for sharing.

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
    Thank you swelling for your review and rating. I am glad you found this story engaging. I have been getting good feedback on changes that need to be made and i will be doing that in the next couple of days. Thanks again. Be well.
    J Dan Francis
Comment from LynSys
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Powerful, Powerful story...I loved reading it.
I, as the reader, felt every emotion, including anger at Jimmy.
Well written and I hung on every word.
Excellent!
Lynda

 Comment Written 13-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
    LynSys, thank you so much for your review and generous rating. Made my day that you found it a powerful piece. Thanks again and be well
    J Dan Francis
reply by LynSys on 13-Feb-2019
    I did indeed. You're very welcome.
    Lynda
Comment from kiwijenny
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Whoah this is good good writing ...but I'm going to be honest I overlooked this gem at first beciase of its length. You had me at Maggie still being beautiful, you see I'm 58 lol
I hate that Jimmy was stabbed. It just seems so sad.
God bless. I'd have given this a six if I had one

 Comment Written 12-Feb-2019


reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
    Thank you kiwijenny for your review and rating. I love it when someone says whoah about my work. Makes my week
    My best to you.
    J Dan Francis