This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Tommy To The Rescue"Third book in the time travel trilogy
41 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Are you sure it's a tunnel and not a rollercoaster shaft? Because I just got down on terra firma, and now I'm being whisked off again by the Master of the Suspense Novel!!! Oy, Sandra!! Your writing is just phenomenal! xo
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Are you sure it's a tunnel and not a rollercoaster shaft? Because I just got down on terra firma, and now I'm being whisked off again by the Master of the Suspense Novel!!! Oy, Sandra!! Your writing is just phenomenal! xo
Comment Written 27-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2019
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Ah, you are now nearing the point where ............... and when Veronica ........... it's really weird, isn't it? LOL!!! :)) I' loving these reviews. xxxxx
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Sandra. This is an outstanding chapter to your story. Many exciting and stressful paragraphs that perpetuate the tense situation. Much luck with the judging. Marilyn
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2019
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Hi Sandra. This is an outstanding chapter to your story. Many exciting and stressful paragraphs that perpetuate the tense situation. Much luck with the judging. Marilyn
Comment Written 12-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much, Marilyn, for this really lovely review! That is so kind of you. Thank you, also, for the good luck wishes, but I know I won't win. It's always nice to have a chapter in the contest, though. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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I know. I'm in the same boat. It's an honor to be chosen to participate. Marilyn
Comment from rama devi
Hello, dear Sandra! I've been busy off site lately. Glad I found this on this day I have time to review. This is a dramatic chapter! Excellent descriptive caliber, though it could use some editing on pacing and wordiness (see notes below). As usual, superb characterization and dialog.Great closing too.
NOTES
*
"OH LORDY!" She stretched out her arms as far as she could with her fingers extended.
Suggest:
She stretched out her arms, with her fingers extended, as far as she could.
WOW:
The screech and grind of metal on metal were sounds from hell that made me turn my head to look upwards and watch the roof start to buckle, squashing the sides of the lift down to fold like a cardboard box while I stared in horrified silence.
no period after ! mark:
A couple of milliseconds later, and Mildred would have been as squashed as this lift is now. God forbid!.
*Please read this aloud:
There, a porter was ushering the remaining patients into the passageway as quickly as he could. Without a moment to spare, they ran inside. As the door was pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, which made it impossible for me to see anything else.
Try to avoid passive voicing and overusing WAS. Edited:
There, a porter ushered the remaining patients into the passageway as quickly as he could. Without a moment to spare, they ran inside. As the door pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, which made it impossible for me to see anything else.
Please read that aloud too. Now, here is yet another version with stronger tightening and trimming for pacing that suits the intense action in the scene and stronger action verbs too:
A porter rushed to usher the remaining patients into the passageway. Without a spare moment, they raced inside. The door slammed shut and all the lights went out, blinding me.
Please read that aloud too!
*
I could hear more explosions, and prayed the underground passage would withstand the blast. The loud rumbles that came from the collapsing building made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't completed the evacuation in time.
Also wordy. Trimmed and tightened (removing info implied without needing to be stated as well as filler words):
I heard more explosions and prayed the underground passage would withstand the blast. The loud rumbles made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't completed the evacuation in time.
Similar trimming and tightening can be applied elsewhere too. These are just a couple of examples.
Five stars in advance. When edited, it leans to a six...
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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Hello, dear Sandra! I've been busy off site lately. Glad I found this on this day I have time to review. This is a dramatic chapter! Excellent descriptive caliber, though it could use some editing on pacing and wordiness (see notes below). As usual, superb characterization and dialog.Great closing too.
NOTES
*
"OH LORDY!" She stretched out her arms as far as she could with her fingers extended.
Suggest:
She stretched out her arms, with her fingers extended, as far as she could.
WOW:
The screech and grind of metal on metal were sounds from hell that made me turn my head to look upwards and watch the roof start to buckle, squashing the sides of the lift down to fold like a cardboard box while I stared in horrified silence.
no period after ! mark:
A couple of milliseconds later, and Mildred would have been as squashed as this lift is now. God forbid!.
*Please read this aloud:
There, a porter was ushering the remaining patients into the passageway as quickly as he could. Without a moment to spare, they ran inside. As the door was pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, which made it impossible for me to see anything else.
Try to avoid passive voicing and overusing WAS. Edited:
There, a porter ushered the remaining patients into the passageway as quickly as he could. Without a moment to spare, they ran inside. As the door pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, which made it impossible for me to see anything else.
Please read that aloud too. Now, here is yet another version with stronger tightening and trimming for pacing that suits the intense action in the scene and stronger action verbs too:
A porter rushed to usher the remaining patients into the passageway. Without a spare moment, they raced inside. The door slammed shut and all the lights went out, blinding me.
Please read that aloud too!
*
I could hear more explosions, and prayed the underground passage would withstand the blast. The loud rumbles that came from the collapsing building made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't completed the evacuation in time.
Also wordy. Trimmed and tightened (removing info implied without needing to be stated as well as filler words):
I heard more explosions and prayed the underground passage would withstand the blast. The loud rumbles made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't completed the evacuation in time.
Similar trimming and tightening can be applied elsewhere too. These are just a couple of examples.
Five stars in advance. When edited, it leans to a six...
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 01-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much, Rama, for your very helpful review. I've made some changes and will go over the rest to see where I can tighten it as you have suggested. I'll look at it tomorrow as I'm still struggling with my health and can't stay on here long at the moment. I appreciate your taking all that time to help, my friend. Big hugs. :) Sandra xx
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Sorry to hear of your health struggles, dear. Sending healing thoughts.
Hugs,
rd
Comment from sandragee
To Veronica's relief, Tommy rescued Mildred from being crushed to death. Still the two women had only a few minutes of relief before being confronted with another dire situation. Oh Lordy! This chapter was so intense. Looking forward to the next thrilling chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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To Veronica's relief, Tommy rescued Mildred from being crushed to death. Still the two women had only a few minutes of relief before being confronted with another dire situation. Oh Lordy! This chapter was so intense. Looking forward to the next thrilling chapter.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2019
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Thank you so much for this lovely review, my friend. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. Big hugs. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Colleen Pinner
I like it! Even though I've come late to the party, and it took me a bit to figure things out, there was enough to let me see what was happening. This is one I think I would actually go check out the whole story.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
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I like it! Even though I've come late to the party, and it took me a bit to figure things out, there was enough to let me see what was happening. This is one I think I would actually go check out the whole story.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
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Hi Colleen, thank you so much for dropping in, it's so nice of you. I'm glad you enjoyed this part, enough to thing of going back to the beginning, There is a long way to go yet, as Mildred and Veronica have to stop the time line changing and altering our future. I hope you continue to come and read. Thank you for your lovely review. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from alexisleech
Another great chapter that had me gripping the edge of my seat! It's not easy to write action scenes realistically, but you managed to pull it off so well. Now to see how Veronica and Mildred save all the patients and staff if the door gives way - I can't wait!
Alexis xxx
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
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Another great chapter that had me gripping the edge of my seat! It's not easy to write action scenes realistically, but you managed to pull it off so well. Now to see how Veronica and Mildred save all the patients and staff if the door gives way - I can't wait!
Alexis xxx
Comment Written 31-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much, Alexis, for your lovely review and for all those lovely stars! Yes, now they have to find a way to save the patients, but it appears there is a problem! Let's hope that the problem is not insurmountable! Big hugs, my friend! :) Sandra xxx
Comment from artisart4u
This is suspenseful for us but it was nerve racking for them who were running for their lives and trying to see if the people they knew were ok.
Congratulations on your wins and your published book.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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This is suspenseful for us but it was nerve racking for them who were running for their lives and trying to see if the people they knew were ok.
Congratulations on your wins and your published book.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for the lovely 6 stars, and wonderful review! And a big thank you for the congrats on my book and wins. That is so nice of you. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-An excellent chapter that shows the strength
and determination of the characters involved
in this horrible explosion.
-Thankfully, we don't learn of any major
problems, as Tommy managed to get
Mildred, and there were no apparent
casualties because of the practice run.
-Ver. is rightfully upset at the Powers.
-They are the ones that put her and Mildred
in these situations, but they seem to be
rather absent during all of this bombing.
-The inclusion of the lad who now had his
father's watch was a good way to break the tension.
-You made good use of details in this chapter; I can't
imagine putting it all together, Sandra.
-Just when we learn that everything seems
to be okay, Mildred tells Ver. about the porter.
-Now we wait to see the outcome.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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-An excellent chapter that shows the strength
and determination of the characters involved
in this horrible explosion.
-Thankfully, we don't learn of any major
problems, as Tommy managed to get
Mildred, and there were no apparent
casualties because of the practice run.
-Ver. is rightfully upset at the Powers.
-They are the ones that put her and Mildred
in these situations, but they seem to be
rather absent during all of this bombing.
-The inclusion of the lad who now had his
father's watch was a good way to break the tension.
-You made good use of details in this chapter; I can't
imagine putting it all together, Sandra.
-Just when we learn that everything seems
to be okay, Mildred tells Ver. about the porter.
-Now we wait to see the outcome.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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What a lovely review, Pam, thank you so much. I was sweating blood with the lift scene, I scrapped it so many times and restarted! lol. I really appreciate your comments, my friend. And a big thank you for another 6 stars,.:)) Big hugs, and lots of love Sandra xxx
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You are very welcome and deserving, Sandra. I don't know how you put the lift scenes all together, but you did!!
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
You got the adrenaline flowing in this chapter.
Excellent description of the intense scene: the fear, anger, shock and relief.
It seems like the Mildred show, as Veronica is but an observer.
And then, of course, the teaser, "it's not good news."
Out of the malevolent roar, into the darkness.
An excellent chapter, very well done!
Robert
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Hello Sandra,
You got the adrenaline flowing in this chapter.
Excellent description of the intense scene: the fear, anger, shock and relief.
It seems like the Mildred show, as Veronica is but an observer.
And then, of course, the teaser, "it's not good news."
Out of the malevolent roar, into the darkness.
An excellent chapter, very well done!
Robert
Comment Written 30-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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You're right, Mildred has played a huge part in this book but Veronica is going to have a bit of fun soon. And then there will be some fun, but serious scenes with both of them, I can't be doing with all this drama for too long, it quite wore me out! LOL. Thank you so much for this lovely review, my friend, and for the lovely 6 stars. I really appreciate them both, and you.Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Gert sherwood
Oh my goodness sandramitchell
talk about keeping me filled so much tension while reading of the escape from the elevator, I had to slow down, to find at the end that Mildred and Veronica are safe.
Now I will wait to see what you have in store about Mildred the time traveler
and Veronica. Gert
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Oh my goodness sandramitchell
talk about keeping me filled so much tension while reading of the escape from the elevator, I had to slow down, to find at the end that Mildred and Veronica are safe.
Now I will wait to see what you have in store about Mildred the time traveler
and Veronica. Gert
Comment Written 30-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2019
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Aww, thank you so much, Gert, it was a bit tense in there for a while. lol. They still have to get all the patients to safety, but I think there is a bit of a problem ahead. I'm delighted you enjoyed this part, my friend, thank you! Big hugs, Sandra xx
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You are welcome sandramitchell Gert
