Eyes on You
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Unexpected Visitors"Tommy tries to rescue their family.
11 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Misty, so things are happening pretty fast in this chapter. It's a great continuation and I looking forward to what's next
so the higer-ups wants us to go house to house, = so the higher-ups want us to go house to house,
The things I'd like to do to her. Larry thinks, drooling all over himself.= The things I'd like to do to her, Larry thinks, drooling all over himself.
All best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Hi Misty, so things are happening pretty fast in this chapter. It's a great continuation and I looking forward to what's next
so the higer-ups wants us to go house to house, = so the higher-ups want us to go house to house,
The things I'd like to do to her. Larry thinks, drooling all over himself.= The things I'd like to do to her, Larry thinks, drooling all over himself.
All best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Your helpful suggestions are always greatly appreciated. Take care.
Comment from krprice
Most of this is excellent, but I found some things that need revising.
That's the...hitman drives.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
This terrifies...Show. Suggest: Tommy clenches his jaw, and the sound of his heartbeat thrashes in his ears.
"Well, sir. . . Suggest: His pluse races as he hits the ground.
Red faced...Tommy pulls himself up.
Thre three. . . The things. . .POV change from Tommy to Larry
Pulling his. . . Glancing three reach. . .pull
If you have trouble showing emotions, I recommend The Emotion Thesaurus which is available at amazon.com.
Karlene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Most of this is excellent, but I found some things that need revising.
That's the...hitman drives.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
This terrifies...Show. Suggest: Tommy clenches his jaw, and the sound of his heartbeat thrashes in his ears.
"Well, sir. . . Suggest: His pluse races as he hits the ground.
Red faced...Tommy pulls himself up.
Thre three. . . The things. . .POV change from Tommy to Larry
Pulling his. . . Glancing three reach. . .pull
If you have trouble showing emotions, I recommend The Emotion Thesaurus which is available at amazon.com.
Karlene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your review and all your helpful suggestions. I will definatly work on showing more emotions.
Thank you again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
So Kirk has accosted the Salois brothers. Shots were fired. Someone might have died. They are career criminals and they will probably be accused of doing the job Tommy and his friends did. Larry saw to it they would not be accused by changes in the security system. Well done Dawn. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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So Kirk has accosted the Salois brothers. Shots were fired. Someone might have died. They are career criminals and they will probably be accused of doing the job Tommy and his friends did. Larry saw to it they would not be accused by changes in the security system. Well done Dawn. Nancy:)
Comment Written 10-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your great review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Larry fixed the cameras, but what about the lady who just walked in the door? Will the three be able to get out in time?
Thank you again or your wonderful review, all your help and support. It means a lot to me, take care.
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Thank you so much for your great review, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Larry fixed the cameras, but what about the lady who just walked in the door? Will the three be able to get out in time?
Thank you again or your wonderful review, all your help and support. It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
The story continues to build up and I'm getting into it despite missing a couple of beginning chapters.
The only thing you need to watch out for is the fact that you write in the present tense; you therefore need to keep all your verbs in the PT unless you're reporting an occurrence that ook place in the past, not right here and now.
Sorry, this late in the week, all sixes are gone!
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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The story continues to build up and I'm getting into it despite missing a couple of beginning chapters.
The only thing you need to watch out for is the fact that you write in the present tense; you therefore need to keep all your verbs in the PT unless you're reporting an occurrence that ook place in the past, not right here and now.
Sorry, this late in the week, all sixes are gone!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for the virtual six, I'm honored. I didn't realize I did that, so thanks for pointing that out. I've gone back and fixed it and will be more careful in the future.
Thank you again for all your help, support and friendship, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Oh great I don't have any six stars to give you Misty. It looks like that Kirk when he was in the pawn shop noticed that the items that Vinnie, Larry Tommy stole from homes. One question Mistydawn, why did you leave us readers hanging when the lady in the tight red dress do when she suspects that Vinnie, Larry Tommy were in her house?
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Oh great I don't have any six stars to give you Misty. It looks like that Kirk when he was in the pawn shop noticed that the items that Vinnie, Larry Tommy stole from homes. One question Mistydawn, why did you leave us readers hanging when the lady in the tight red dress do when she suspects that Vinnie, Larry Tommy were in her house?
Gert
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your review and your virual 6. Knowing that you wanted to give me a six star is just asl good as getting one. I left everyone hanging so readers will come back, find out if they made it out without being seen. I bet you thought that was VInnie, Larry and Tommouy at the pawn shop, right? You're not the only one that I confused. So I've given the three men who enter the pawnshop names the Salois brothers Andy, Jack, Jeromy hoping to clear confusion.
Thank you again for your great review, all your help, support and friendship, take care.
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You are welcome Mistydawn, yes you got me confused, Gert
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Something tells me they aren't our three men. If they are, they're in big trouble, but if they're not... who is the competition and will they take the rap for our guys? When that rich man stopped and questioned Tommy, I was sweating for him! LOL. Another excellent part. Well done! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Something tells me they aren't our three men. If they are, they're in big trouble, but if they're not... who is the competition and will they take the rap for our guys? When that rich man stopped and questioned Tommy, I was sweating for him! LOL. Another excellent part. Well done! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind review. You're right they aren't the three men. I gave them names just now to clear confusion Andy, Jermey and Jack Stalios. They're career criminals. I'm so glad you was worried about Tommy that means he's believable, that he's coming to life.
Thank you again for your great review all your help and support, take care.
Comment from Rob Caudle
Really well written. First- person is difficult to write in, but you've done it! Great story, and you've left us with a cliff-hanger at the end.
Just a couple of suggestions:
If you write in first-person, you have to stay there:
This terrified Tommy even more. --terrifies
This afforded--affords
The three reach into their jackets and pulls out a weapon.--did they all pull out weapons or did just one? Rather an awkward sentence....
Otherwise, great job!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Really well written. First- person is difficult to write in, but you've done it! Great story, and you've left us with a cliff-hanger at the end.
Just a couple of suggestions:
If you write in first-person, you have to stay there:
This terrified Tommy even more. --terrifies
This afforded--affords
The three reach into their jackets and pulls out a weapon.--did they all pull out weapons or did just one? Rather an awkward sentence....
Otherwise, great job!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your review and your helpful suggestions. They are always greatly appreciated. The only chapter I"ve written first person was the first one, because it is so difficult so limited. I was trying for third person ominiscient, where the narritor knows, sees all. Isn't that what this is? Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
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OMG! Total brain fart. I had done 11 review and was falling asleep during the last two. You're absolutely right--It was just the tense changes and the las line about the three pulling out a weapon--sorry!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Whoever fixed the security camera to show a fake scene must be a genius. What a great cover.
The "thugs" at the pawn shop are not Tommy's gang, right?
Do you really need a hot vamp lurking in the house? LOL!
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Whoever fixed the security camera to show a fake scene must be a genius. What a great cover.
The "thugs" at the pawn shop are not Tommy's gang, right?
Do you really need a hot vamp lurking in the house? LOL!
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you for another great review. No they're not Tommy Vinnie and Larry. There's been so much confusion that I gave the three names Andy, Jack and Jeremy Staios. She was Larry's request, said if he's gong to be caught he wants it to be by a hot dame.
Thank you again for your kind review all your help and support, take care.
Comment from country ranch writer
Oh dear now they done it a shooting is not good for anyone what would Jen do without Tom? This is surly not their day that is for sure. Now we wait to see the results of this shoot out.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Oh dear now they done it a shooting is not good for anyone what would Jen do without Tom? This is surly not their day that is for sure. Now we wait to see the results of this shoot out.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your kind review, I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter, but I think the way I wrote it left you confused. Tommy wasn't part of the shoot out him and his buddies are about to be caught by the owners. I'm curious to know how you came up with that conclusion. I want to fix it so others won't get the same idea. Thank you for all your support, your help and friendship it means a lot to me, take care.
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Read,the last three paragraphs about the pawn shop and the shooting.was I wrong?
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I can see how you can think that you weren't alone either. I went back and gave the three pawnshop guys names. Sorry for all the confusion.
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okay
Comment from royowen
Mmmh, you've left your story hanging beautifully in both separate scenes. Both incredibly mind boggling as to the likely outcomes of each separate incident. An excellent episode, imaginative and cleverly designed and posted, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Startled, the three glance(s) 2: three questionable looking gentlemen step(s) inside.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Mmmh, you've left your story hanging beautifully in both separate scenes. Both incredibly mind boggling as to the likely outcomes of each separate incident. An excellent episode, imaginative and cleverly designed and posted, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Startled, the three glance(s) 2: three questionable looking gentlemen step(s) inside.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much for your encouraging review and for catching my mistakes. Both Kirk and Tommy's gang are in some serious trouble.
Thank you again for your kind review, all your help support and friendship, take care.
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