This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Wake Up, Mummy!"Third book in the time travel trilogy
40 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
More progress, but small. But, the teacher in me says, "But progress is still progress!" You are the master of perfect pacing, Sandra. I'm curious, but not frustrated!! Good work. xo
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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More progress, but small. But, the teacher in me says, "But progress is still progress!" You are the master of perfect pacing, Sandra. I'm curious, but not frustrated!! Good work. xo
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Sometimes things have to slow down to think through all the facts. Veronica has had a hard enough time of it just lately. But, what has Mildred been up too? :))) xxxx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Nice juicy lumps of tension in this instalment. What, indeed, has happened to Mildred?
I could only stand and watch as the timeline quivered. elsewhere you hyphenate this but use the single word here. better to stick to one presentation.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Hi Sandra,
Nice juicy lumps of tension in this instalment. What, indeed, has happened to Mildred?
I could only stand and watch as the timeline quivered. elsewhere you hyphenate this but use the single word here. better to stick to one presentation.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Thank you again, Gareth, for another lovely review. I've added the hyphen for now, and will check with the rest of the book to see how many I've done this way. If it can be written without, as I have done here, I'll change them all to be that way. Thanks for picking up on that. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from wordsfromsue
Oh Sandra, you've properly scared me with this chapter!
WHAT was Mildred trying to tell Veronica?
And I'm thinking the ladies won't have to kill The Toad. Maybe a bomb will get him!!
Oh, that makes me sound nasty!
I don't know if 'timeline' should be hyphenated or not, but you have it hyphenated once, and the rest of the time, you don't.
Spell check indicates it should be 'time line' spaced, with no hyphen. I think I saw it 3 times in the chapter.
Great chapter!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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Oh Sandra, you've properly scared me with this chapter!
WHAT was Mildred trying to tell Veronica?
And I'm thinking the ladies won't have to kill The Toad. Maybe a bomb will get him!!
Oh, that makes me sound nasty!
I don't know if 'timeline' should be hyphenated or not, but you have it hyphenated once, and the rest of the time, you don't.
Spell check indicates it should be 'time line' spaced, with no hyphen. I think I saw it 3 times in the chapter.
Great chapter!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2019
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It' makes you sound human and funny, my fabulous friend. LOL, you always make me smile. Thanks for another lovely 6er! Now I'll give you and big hug and buy you a coffee! LOL I'll take all the hyphons out. :)) xxxx
Comment from rspoet
Hello Sandra,
This is an excellent chapter, laying out the thoughts of Veronica and James
on the complexity of the situation.
It is also good to have this chapter in the present to underpin the story.
I like the return to the familiar scenes of time travel as seen in previous books,
having Mildred appear in Ann's room.
But now she has gone back again, and soon Veronica must follow.
Hello Tommy.
Well done
Robert
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hello Sandra,
This is an excellent chapter, laying out the thoughts of Veronica and James
on the complexity of the situation.
It is also good to have this chapter in the present to underpin the story.
I like the return to the familiar scenes of time travel as seen in previous books,
having Mildred appear in Ann's room.
But now she has gone back again, and soon Veronica must follow.
Hello Tommy.
Well done
Robert
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hello, Robert,
I'm so pleased you liked this part, it took a lot of working out discussing possible clues and outcomes, but it was a lot of fun doing it. Yes, having Mildred come to Ann's room was nice, it seems such a long time ago that Mildred and Veronica were using the attic and the diaries to keep in touch when Ver was trapped in the past. Happy days! Thank you so much for the lovely 6 stars, my friend, and the fabulous review. Big hugs my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Pam (respa)
-An excellent chapter, Sandra.
-It flows smoothly from beginning to end.
-Poor Ver. and James, who are caught in the
middle of Mildred's predicament in the past,
but are at a loss to know what to do about it.
-Ann remembers what her mom had told her,
and reported that Aunty Mildred was in her room.
-The description and suspense of the conversation
between Ver. and Mildred is excellent.
-Ver. is trying hard to keep in touch with Mildred,
but she keeps fading in and out.
-Mildred is so glad to hear Ver., but they both
end up being at a loss for what to do.
-They just want to be together, at home!
-When Mildred doesn't appear anymore, Ver.
is frantic remembering about the hospital bombing.
-You leave us with Ver. asking a very poignant question.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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-An excellent chapter, Sandra.
-It flows smoothly from beginning to end.
-Poor Ver. and James, who are caught in the
middle of Mildred's predicament in the past,
but are at a loss to know what to do about it.
-Ann remembers what her mom had told her,
and reported that Aunty Mildred was in her room.
-The description and suspense of the conversation
between Ver. and Mildred is excellent.
-Ver. is trying hard to keep in touch with Mildred,
but she keeps fading in and out.
-Mildred is so glad to hear Ver., but they both
end up being at a loss for what to do.
-They just want to be together, at home!
-When Mildred doesn't appear anymore, Ver.
is frantic remembering about the hospital bombing.
-You leave us with Ver. asking a very poignant question.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Poor Veronica, life doesn't get any easier for a while. Thank you so much for the lovely review, my friend, and all those pretty stars. I've just posted the next part, I'm trying to get ahead a bit now, at least always have another part in hand. This one has needed a lot more researching so the fiction side doesn't read to fictitious, lol. Sounds strange, but I hope you know what I mean. Thanks for your incredible support my friend, big hugs. Sandra xxx
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No things never get easier for Ver.! You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and review, Sandra. Yes, I do know what you mean, now what does that say about me?! LOL
Comment from Adam Bartlett
Hi Sandra, even though I haven't read previous posts of this draft I was really drawn into the story. Good work! I do have a few stylistic suggestions:
1) "it won't take you long to discover the means to help you make it happen." I think this is kind of awkward dialogue. I would replace it with something like "it won't take you long to find a solution. " Maybe just make it more concise.
2) "I don't think they've left her there without it being for a good reason." I would shorten this to something like "I don't think they've left her there without a good reason." Also, I might be missing context here but I think the proper tense would be "I don't think they would've left her there." I could be wrong.
3) "I was so shocked when I saw her. " "I knew this was so different." When you see "so" in a sentence, you expect an extra clause like "I was so shocked when I saw her that I dropped my toothbrush." I would recommend either omitting the "so" or adding an extra clause onto the sentences.
4) "Oh, Miss Veronica, thank the powers I can see you. I don't know how tis possible." Tis is usually spelled 'tis, with an apostrophe.
Again, I haven't read previous chapters, but this is just my two cents. Good luck on the novel!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hi Sandra, even though I haven't read previous posts of this draft I was really drawn into the story. Good work! I do have a few stylistic suggestions:
1) "it won't take you long to discover the means to help you make it happen." I think this is kind of awkward dialogue. I would replace it with something like "it won't take you long to find a solution. " Maybe just make it more concise.
2) "I don't think they've left her there without it being for a good reason." I would shorten this to something like "I don't think they've left her there without a good reason." Also, I might be missing context here but I think the proper tense would be "I don't think they would've left her there." I could be wrong.
3) "I was so shocked when I saw her. " "I knew this was so different." When you see "so" in a sentence, you expect an extra clause like "I was so shocked when I saw her that I dropped my toothbrush." I would recommend either omitting the "so" or adding an extra clause onto the sentences.
4) "Oh, Miss Veronica, thank the powers I can see you. I don't know how tis possible." Tis is usually spelled 'tis, with an apostrophe.
Again, I haven't read previous chapters, but this is just my two cents. Good luck on the novel!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hi Norm, welcome to Fanstory, you have made one big friend here already! Thank you so much for this review, I have made all the changes you suggested. I can only say thank you for taking all that time to advise me. Please call again any time!! I'm so pleased you could come in at this stage and be drawn in, that is very encouraging. It's quite a complex story to jump into, as this one starts with the Suffragettes and jumps to WW1 and will be going back again. Oh, add an alternate time, and you'll get the gist of it. lol. Actually, it sound more complex than it is. Anyway, thank you again, and welcome! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from babykoala
I loved this, it came up as a page to review and I have to say I think I will have to read the rest now as I am so gripped and I want to know exactly what is happening and the background. I loved every gripping second of this and felt you built suspense and excitement and alarm superbly. Well done on an amazing chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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I loved this, it came up as a page to review and I have to say I think I will have to read the rest now as I am so gripped and I want to know exactly what is happening and the background. I loved every gripping second of this and felt you built suspense and excitement and alarm superbly. Well done on an amazing chapter.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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What a wonderful review, thank you so very much, babykoala. I look forward to having you along and reading your thoughts. Big hugs, my new friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Rhonda Skinner
This a well-written piece. "His hand outstretched for mine" spoke volumes in a few words. I did notice ellipses were used in some situations where an em dash or period would be better suited. One sentence that could be recast was "Having already experienced seeing people who had come through the portal into this room, this was so different." The second clause needs an "I" at the beginning. e.g. I knew this was different. Other than these niggly little things your chapter was great. You describe people and situations well and paint vivid mental images. The bit about having thought her children no longer existed set up a sense of urgency regarding the time travel. I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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This a well-written piece. "His hand outstretched for mine" spoke volumes in a few words. I did notice ellipses were used in some situations where an em dash or period would be better suited. One sentence that could be recast was "Having already experienced seeing people who had come through the portal into this room, this was so different." The second clause needs an "I" at the beginning. e.g. I knew this was different. Other than these niggly little things your chapter was great. You describe people and situations well and paint vivid mental images. The bit about having thought her children no longer existed set up a sense of urgency regarding the time travel. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hi Rhonda, thank you so much for this fabulous review. I took your suggestion and changed the sentence. Thanks for that. I'll check out the ellipses too. I really appreciate this review and the time you put into it, so can't thank you enough. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from susand3022
Hi,
Recently I was told that my reviewing basicly sucks. So this week,
this is my review. I'm taking a survey... Would you rather:
A: Have a true review
B: Have a certain 5-star generic review
Choose wisely and be sure of your choice so I can save myself the
needless time and tears over those who don't want to hear them.
I'll make a list.
And remember.... LEARNING IS EARNING
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Hi,
Recently I was told that my reviewing basicly sucks. So this week,
this is my review. I'm taking a survey... Would you rather:
A: Have a true review
B: Have a certain 5-star generic review
Choose wisely and be sure of your choice so I can save myself the
needless time and tears over those who don't want to hear them.
I'll make a list.
And remember.... LEARNING IS EARNING
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Thank you.
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Hi Sandra, I need to start reading more prose! I'm finding a lot of new things because of this little 'journey' of mine. Even if I had to spend a while trying to find a way to get back on the site it's been worth it! I've gotten to 'meet' so many new writers quickly. I wish there had been more of this type of thing round when my son was growing up... it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun!
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Oh dear, what is happening to poor Mildred. I know I wouldn't want to be anywhere zeppelins were bombing. Well done as always. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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Oh dear, what is happening to poor Mildred. I know I wouldn't want to be anywhere zeppelins were bombing. Well done as always. Looking forward to the next chapter. Rox
Comment Written 08-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2019
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I've learned such a lot researching this book, even though it is totally fiction, somethings have to be looked into. And, like you, I'm glad I wasn't around then. Thanks so much, Rox. Next chapter late tomorrow night. UK time. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
