Nito
not your average alien10 total reviews
Comment from Marvin Calloway
This piece is pretty clever. I hope you won. (win) It has just enough humor to engage the reader. I find it very entertaining.
I don't know how I missed it. Please alert me so I don't miss any others.
Marv
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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This piece is pretty clever. I hope you won. (win) It has just enough humor to engage the reader. I find it very entertaining.
I don't know how I missed it. Please alert me so I don't miss any others.
Marv
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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thanks, MM
it's for the alternate universe soulmate contest and I'm supposed to remain nameless. But it shows up with my name?
It hasn't been sent to vote yet, so am waiting.
Thanks for the compliment and good wishes.
mystery woman (ha)
Comment from prettybluebirds
I truly enjoyed this story. It is most amusing and interesting. Your picture is perfect as far as I'm concerned. There are great creativity and humor throughout the writing. I wish you the best of luck in the competition.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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I truly enjoyed this story. It is most amusing and interesting. Your picture is perfect as far as I'm concerned. There are great creativity and humor throughout the writing. I wish you the best of luck in the competition.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind remarks.
Comment from RichardFann
Hi WhoeverYouAre,
This is a great piece of writing.
There is pace, and the conversational style makes you read on.
Nito, being very odd, helps, adding mystery and suspense.
Though a sci-fi story in make-believe land, what I think is true is that you are a published writer - your style is so polished, so exact, so sounding like real conversation.
The presentation is spot-on professional.
This is a one-off, hence the abrupt ending, but I would like to see this as a serial, where Nito becomes your soul-mate, and you explore together your strengths and weaknesses. No topic would be barred at all.
I would like you to explore him and get under his skin, as if you were Sherlock Holmes.
I liked the dream scenario to start the story.
Liked his eyebrows going up and down. Will use that idea in one of my own stories. Or alternatively 'Their eyes met across the room. She fixed on him. She noticed his right ear twitch up, as if an involuntary movement.'
It's obvious you've inspired me to create new ideas and to become a better writer.
Well done,
Brill New Year,
Thanks,
Richard.
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Hi WhoeverYouAre,
This is a great piece of writing.
There is pace, and the conversational style makes you read on.
Nito, being very odd, helps, adding mystery and suspense.
Though a sci-fi story in make-believe land, what I think is true is that you are a published writer - your style is so polished, so exact, so sounding like real conversation.
The presentation is spot-on professional.
This is a one-off, hence the abrupt ending, but I would like to see this as a serial, where Nito becomes your soul-mate, and you explore together your strengths and weaknesses. No topic would be barred at all.
I would like you to explore him and get under his skin, as if you were Sherlock Holmes.
I liked the dream scenario to start the story.
Liked his eyebrows going up and down. Will use that idea in one of my own stories. Or alternatively 'Their eyes met across the room. She fixed on him. She noticed his right ear twitch up, as if an involuntary movement.'
It's obvious you've inspired me to create new ideas and to become a better writer.
Well done,
Brill New Year,
Thanks,
Richard.
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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well, bless your kind heart! You have made my day. I have only been published in magazines and then I self published a book about bullying for middlegraders, but I have been writing for years and am still trying for a book. Thank you very much for your wonderful review and lovely stars. You have inspired me, also!
Comment from Teresa Alford
Fun read. I like your humor. The story made me smile and made me laugh as well. You did a really good job. One small criticism is the chapter seemed a bit too long. However, I do look forward to reading more of the book. Write On!
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Fun read. I like your humor. The story made me smile and made me laugh as well. You did a really good job. One small criticism is the chapter seemed a bit too long. However, I do look forward to reading more of the book. Write On!
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jan-2019
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Teresa - it is a stand alone piece for a contest - the alternate universe soulmate contest, though someone did suggest I should make it a book. Hadn't thought of that, but maybe I will. I'm not sure if I remember correctly but I think it had to have so many words.
I do thank you very much for your lovely review. Glad I made you laugh.
I also think I'm supposed to remain un-named. :)
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Since it is a stand alone piece and not a chapter, then it is perfect!
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Bless you and thanks!!!
Katharine - pome lover
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I love this imagery: " His head was covered with grass--a beautiful, rich shade of green-- with three yellow dandelions growing in it." You have lots of good imagery, which will definitely draw the reader in, with humor. You use my favorite figure of speech, alliteration, a lot. Your examples of allusion are good. This is very clever.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2018
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I love this imagery: " His head was covered with grass--a beautiful, rich shade of green-- with three yellow dandelions growing in it." You have lots of good imagery, which will definitely draw the reader in, with humor. You use my favorite figure of speech, alliteration, a lot. Your examples of allusion are good. This is very clever.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2018
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thanks, Liz! Your critique is much appreciated.
Katharine
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This was a pretty fast-paced and fun read. Some nice banter going on between the two.
Few things spotted as I read through-
(I came, I saw, I conquered,)/ (seize the day,) - I think in both these instances the commas should be on the outside of the brackets.
almost British" accent - what exactly is a British accent? I ask because both my wife and I are British and we sound nothing alike accent-wise, her being from England and me from Northern Ireland. (I note than when using the accent determination for the American it's rather specific in comparison).
I nearly jumped out of my skin - a tad clichéd here.
'Nito! Come here!'- here when you're using the speech within speech you use the single marks but elsewhere use the double marks. It's probably best to stick to the same form for consistency.
"Okay! I like them scrambled in the morning, but sometimes at night I have a fried egg and bacon sandwich, but not runny, I can't stand the white part runny and I like the yellow part spread out so it covers the toast and... - you need closing speech marks here.
STOP! I beg you. You are a most loquacious human! But I knew that when I came. Never mind. Scrambled, I believe you said, somewhere in there. Okay. Second question: "How old are you? .... No answer? Surely you understood the question. How many years have you?" - move the opening speech marks from before How to the beginning of the paragraph.
Maybe I should take a new tack. Maybe she'd rather be asked than told. - this appears to be a change in perspective and using Nito in the first person narrative when previously it was all Scarlett.
)...but, you could like me better, did you consider that? I mean how many humans have a Latinian soulmate? It could be fun, don't you think? ... Or maybe you don't." - need opening speech marks here.
Well, of course I am, but you? I was not aware that you were, that you had a..." - and here also.
And I bet you're not even 'ending;' - the semi-colon would be better placed outside of the quote mark.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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Hi there,
This was a pretty fast-paced and fun read. Some nice banter going on between the two.
Few things spotted as I read through-
(I came, I saw, I conquered,)/ (seize the day,) - I think in both these instances the commas should be on the outside of the brackets.
almost British" accent - what exactly is a British accent? I ask because both my wife and I are British and we sound nothing alike accent-wise, her being from England and me from Northern Ireland. (I note than when using the accent determination for the American it's rather specific in comparison).
I nearly jumped out of my skin - a tad clichéd here.
'Nito! Come here!'- here when you're using the speech within speech you use the single marks but elsewhere use the double marks. It's probably best to stick to the same form for consistency.
"Okay! I like them scrambled in the morning, but sometimes at night I have a fried egg and bacon sandwich, but not runny, I can't stand the white part runny and I like the yellow part spread out so it covers the toast and... - you need closing speech marks here.
STOP! I beg you. You are a most loquacious human! But I knew that when I came. Never mind. Scrambled, I believe you said, somewhere in there. Okay. Second question: "How old are you? .... No answer? Surely you understood the question. How many years have you?" - move the opening speech marks from before How to the beginning of the paragraph.
Maybe I should take a new tack. Maybe she'd rather be asked than told. - this appears to be a change in perspective and using Nito in the first person narrative when previously it was all Scarlett.
)...but, you could like me better, did you consider that? I mean how many humans have a Latinian soulmate? It could be fun, don't you think? ... Or maybe you don't." - need opening speech marks here.
Well, of course I am, but you? I was not aware that you were, that you had a..." - and here also.
And I bet you're not even 'ending;' - the semi-colon would be better placed outside of the quote mark.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 06-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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okay, Mr. Giraffmang - I stand corrected, re: British accent, but before I thank you for all your "catches" of my mistakes, I would just say that when you said,"My wife and I are British......her being from England..." it should be, "she being from England..." ahem.
But your attention to minutia (smile) is admirable, and I will try to correct all of it. Truthfully, I have always been confused about the placement of commas, etc, inside or outside of parentheses. I have been corrected before for putting them outside, so quien sabe? Usted?
"Cliched" I refuse to be, so will think of something other than jumping out of my skin.
Thank you for your time and effort. Did you use to teach English or have I already asked you that???
pome lover
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Yep, I used to teach a while ago, among other things. lol Commas are a pain in the backside...
Comment from Sugarray77
I really like how this ended. From soulmate to ... go get a life mate.... Your dialogue was very good, and towards the end, it became animated, agitated and dicey. Well developed tale.
Melissa
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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I really like how this ended. From soulmate to ... go get a life mate.... Your dialogue was very good, and towards the end, it became animated, agitated and dicey. Well developed tale.
Melissa
Comment Written 06-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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thank you so much. I hoped, too, to throw in a bit of a twist at the end that before he got so uppity and insulting he was beginning to sound a bit like her. didn't last, of course. Maybe I should've developed that a bit more. Anyway,many thanks again!
Comment from Katchoo Ledeux
Cute story. It kept me reading on pretty smoothly and well entertained.
Here's a few suggested edits:
Check the font throughout; it keeps changing.
I am Definito, from the planet, Latinia, which is such a great distant from your Earth, you have not yet discovered us. - I believe "distant" should be "distance"
It was. "Thanks, Nito. I smiled, and said it again. Nito... that has a nice, simple sound to it." - missing opening quotes before the second instance of "Nito"
Come here!" He made a face. So... what is your name?" - Missing opening quotes before "So"
"yes, I...um, - Capitalize the "y" on "yes"
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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Cute story. It kept me reading on pretty smoothly and well entertained.
Here's a few suggested edits:
Check the font throughout; it keeps changing.
I am Definito, from the planet, Latinia, which is such a great distant from your Earth, you have not yet discovered us. - I believe "distant" should be "distance"
It was. "Thanks, Nito. I smiled, and said it again. Nito... that has a nice, simple sound to it." - missing opening quotes before the second instance of "Nito"
Come here!" He made a face. So... what is your name?" - Missing opening quotes before "So"
"yes, I...um, - Capitalize the "y" on "yes"
Comment Written 05-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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okay, thanks
Comment from mermaids
This is great. I love this character and he speaks Latin which is so cool. You have a vivid scene here of two characters and the dialog is fun to read. I also like the how the lady is named after Scarlet O'Hara and your last line is creative. Best wishes for the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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This is great. I love this character and he speaks Latin which is so cool. You have a vivid scene here of two characters and the dialog is fun to read. I also like the how the lady is named after Scarlet O'Hara and your last line is creative. Best wishes for the contest.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2018
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thank you very much for your very kind review and good wishes
Comment from Connie Frazier
Very creative and super funny. I like the writing style. You convey the humor successfully without sounding trite or losing the storyline. Very well done.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2018
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Very creative and super funny. I like the writing style. You convey the humor successfully without sounding trite or losing the storyline. Very well done.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2018
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thank you for your very kind words!
