Please...
It's not just the cat that curiosity got...9 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, Yvette, you really have a talent for horror stories. This was superb, definitely a winner. You described everything in such detail, I felt that I was there (but NOT touching the vines). I really do hope you win. :)
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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Wow, Yvette, you really have a talent for horror stories. This was superb, definitely a winner. You described everything in such detail, I felt that I was there (but NOT touching the vines). I really do hope you win. :)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2018
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Thanx for taking the time to read through this one, Phyllis -- so very much appreciated! :) ;) I decided to take a stab at a 'true horror' write, but the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!)...I'm glad you found it worthy of those stars (I already knew the sick and twisted...seems to be what the genre calls for these days - lol!), they make me feel a better about it. I really just didn't know (still don't, really) how to gauge something like this as, right up until it was 'my' work, I would have skipped something like this even in a review....so I appreciate the honest feedback. :) ;) :) Now I just have to get it completely out of my head -- I tend to 'live' my writes in my imagination and this one just needs to go away!! :) ;) Have a great rest of the week with much more cheerier fantasies of your own!! :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a really good job with this piece. It is very well paced, and the second half, once the reveal occurs is fast and well-handled. ramped up nicely.
A few bits & pieces, but nothing too major.
matter the direction they chose to walk around the outer edge, they always ended up back where they started- this is a little redundant. If you walk around the outer edge of nearly everything, you end up back where you started... even things that aren't square.
"That's a dumbass question, T," Jerel chided, "You were - the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off. Either that or lose the other off before the closing speech marks or after the tag.
a simple scarf tied neatly around her neck and hanging such that it covered much of her face- maybe use an alternative to hanging here. If it's hanging, it suggests down but if it's on her neck covering her face it would go up. 'Arranged' may work.
'fanny pack' or something - always makes me laugh. In the UK fanny is a slang term for womanly bits...
Immediately, the pudgy little gray lady froze - perhaps some commas in here.
Watch out for your adverb usage. They're not excessive but tend to be grouped together, such as here - and turned slowly in their direction, obviously straining to see and hear any more - because, yeah, she had definitely heard - it makes them stick out when used like this.
"Okay, that was some weird shit," Calvin brilliantly observed - lol
Attempting to go to and help free his friends- I don't think you need the second 'to' here.
only this time she was not wearing her head scarf- see here you say head scarf which makes much more sense of it covering her face, but it's only referred to as a simple scarf earlier.
"Please," Jerel felt the words pulled from his mouth as she reached out a hand toward Tony's still-standing yet completely restrained form, "Please...."- again, technically the second piece of dialogue shouldn't be upper case unless the previous is closed off somewhere.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Hi there,
You did a really good job with this piece. It is very well paced, and the second half, once the reveal occurs is fast and well-handled. ramped up nicely.
A few bits & pieces, but nothing too major.
matter the direction they chose to walk around the outer edge, they always ended up back where they started- this is a little redundant. If you walk around the outer edge of nearly everything, you end up back where you started... even things that aren't square.
"That's a dumbass question, T," Jerel chided, "You were - the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous isn't closed off. Either that or lose the other off before the closing speech marks or after the tag.
a simple scarf tied neatly around her neck and hanging such that it covered much of her face- maybe use an alternative to hanging here. If it's hanging, it suggests down but if it's on her neck covering her face it would go up. 'Arranged' may work.
'fanny pack' or something - always makes me laugh. In the UK fanny is a slang term for womanly bits...
Immediately, the pudgy little gray lady froze - perhaps some commas in here.
Watch out for your adverb usage. They're not excessive but tend to be grouped together, such as here - and turned slowly in their direction, obviously straining to see and hear any more - because, yeah, she had definitely heard - it makes them stick out when used like this.
"Okay, that was some weird shit," Calvin brilliantly observed - lol
Attempting to go to and help free his friends- I don't think you need the second 'to' here.
only this time she was not wearing her head scarf- see here you say head scarf which makes much more sense of it covering her face, but it's only referred to as a simple scarf earlier.
"Please," Jerel felt the words pulled from his mouth as she reached out a hand toward Tony's still-standing yet completely restrained form, "Please...."- again, technically the second piece of dialogue shouldn't be upper case unless the previous is closed off somewhere.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 12-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your positive comments, GMG -- very much appreciated! :) ;) You know , this was my first venture into the 'horror' genre, but the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!) so, I am quite thrilled that you found it a compelling read -- thank you!! :) ;) Thanx again, for the catches -- went back and took care of those. :) ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful week ahead of more cheerier fantasies of your own! :) :) Yvette :)
Comment from poetwatch
To say I ain't got no goose bumps flying together going south for the winter than changing their minds and going back home to hide under the bed... well I ain't going to say that. This is good Yvette. Brought a chill to my mind because I hate spiders and to think of one from another dimension that has a taste for big butts. I have a spider write also but I get save by lighted beings, my brothers from the universe. This is a good entry for the Horror Story Writing Contest.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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To say I ain't got no goose bumps flying together going south for the winter than changing their minds and going back home to hide under the bed... well I ain't going to say that. This is good Yvette. Brought a chill to my mind because I hate spiders and to think of one from another dimension that has a taste for big butts. I have a spider write also but I get save by lighted beings, my brothers from the universe. This is a good entry for the Horror Story Writing Contest.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Wow, poetwatch!! :) Thank you so very much for your positive comments and those wonderful stars, sir -- very much appreciated! :) ;) You know , this was my first venture into the 'horror' genre, but the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!) so, I am quite thrilled that you found it a compelling read -- thank you!! :) ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful week ahead of more cheerier fantasies of your own! :) :) Yvette :)
Comment from aryr
Good luck in the horror writing contest Yvette. This was a great piece of writing. The suspense was fantastic. I loved the details you provided, such as seeing but being far enough away to not truly see. I would never have suspected that granny was really a spider nor that the plants were really her webs. Amazingly well done, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Good luck in the horror writing contest Yvette. This was a great piece of writing. The suspense was fantastic. I loved the details you provided, such as seeing but being far enough away to not truly see. I would never have suspected that granny was really a spider nor that the plants were really her webs. Amazingly well done, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2018
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Wow, aryr!! :) Thank you so very much for your positive comments and encouragement -- very much appreciated! :) ;) You know , this was my first venture into the 'horror' genre, but the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!) so, I am quite thrilled that you found it a compelling read -- thank you!! :) ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful week ahead of more cheerier fantasies of your own! :) :) Yvette :)
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You are so welcome Yvette, you definitely managed to capture the essence of horror.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Well, well...
Hell-Oh, Yvette.
I see you've tried your hand at writing a horror story.
I trust you learned something about yourself by getting in touch with your darkside for a while?
Now, let's see what ya managed to come up with...
"That's a dumbass question, T," Jerel chided, "You were with us last weekend and the weekend before that - do you remember noticing this?"
"Well, we were drunk the last few times, Jer - could have something to do with our memories." That was Calvin - always the realist, that one. ... I like how you use italicized words to emphasize speech patterns of the characters you're using in the story, Yvette.
I'm frequently criticized for doing so as those supposedly "in the know" tell me it is a lot like using exclamation points.
You want to do so as infrequently as possible.
You "should" be able to convey to your readers that someone is excited, in pain or screaming by just the words you've written alone, they claim.
Same thing holds true with sarcasm and the emphasis of italicized words, they say.
I ask you this; what's so wrong with doing so, at least once in a while?
Nit-picking, if you were to ask me...
Turning and appearing to look directly at the boys' location again for an eerie and almost tense few seconds, she then scuttled to the next set of trellises and continued her most curious work. Her actions continued to amaze the friends as she demonstrated quite remarkable balance and agility. ... The description here of what the elderly grey lady as doing sounded a lot like the actions of a spider as it spins it's web to me.
Creepy...
The old lady's eyes simply weren't human. In fact, multiple eyes became visible across the upper part of her face as her attention was drawn to Calvin. She quickly scuttled over to him and reached out to examine a few of the vines that held him captive.
He felt her climb down and felt himself impact with the hard ground - the dead eyes and speechless mouth of the jerseyed-corpse staring mockingly at him. He then watched in helplessness as she began pulling length after length of the natural twine and braided rope from her pack and methodically bound him in a tight fetal position. She then proceeded to wrap him in layers of that same rope, preparing him, it seemed, to be her next hanging.
Before she covered his head, she sunk her fangs into him once more, taking one last, long pull.
"FFffleeeeeeeeeeeeeezzz ... yeeeesh? Mmmmmmm..."
Licking along his jaw as a last action just as she had done to Tony, she continued wrapping him in the rope until all Jerel could see was blackness, and he felt himself lifted into the air.
I hate to tell Tony, Calvin, and Jerel "I told you so..." but I did, you know?
Tell them so, I mean.
The ending reminded me of the FLY, with Vincent Price, the Original ending.
"Help me! Help...me-e-e-e-eeee..."
Good story, Yvette.
My hat's off to the chef, heh-heh-heh...
Best wishes to you in the contest.
Five Out Of Five Skulls
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Well, well...
Hell-Oh, Yvette.
I see you've tried your hand at writing a horror story.
I trust you learned something about yourself by getting in touch with your darkside for a while?
Now, let's see what ya managed to come up with...
"That's a dumbass question, T," Jerel chided, "You were with us last weekend and the weekend before that - do you remember noticing this?"
"Well, we were drunk the last few times, Jer - could have something to do with our memories." That was Calvin - always the realist, that one. ... I like how you use italicized words to emphasize speech patterns of the characters you're using in the story, Yvette.
I'm frequently criticized for doing so as those supposedly "in the know" tell me it is a lot like using exclamation points.
You want to do so as infrequently as possible.
You "should" be able to convey to your readers that someone is excited, in pain or screaming by just the words you've written alone, they claim.
Same thing holds true with sarcasm and the emphasis of italicized words, they say.
I ask you this; what's so wrong with doing so, at least once in a while?
Nit-picking, if you were to ask me...
Turning and appearing to look directly at the boys' location again for an eerie and almost tense few seconds, she then scuttled to the next set of trellises and continued her most curious work. Her actions continued to amaze the friends as she demonstrated quite remarkable balance and agility. ... The description here of what the elderly grey lady as doing sounded a lot like the actions of a spider as it spins it's web to me.
Creepy...
The old lady's eyes simply weren't human. In fact, multiple eyes became visible across the upper part of her face as her attention was drawn to Calvin. She quickly scuttled over to him and reached out to examine a few of the vines that held him captive.
He felt her climb down and felt himself impact with the hard ground - the dead eyes and speechless mouth of the jerseyed-corpse staring mockingly at him. He then watched in helplessness as she began pulling length after length of the natural twine and braided rope from her pack and methodically bound him in a tight fetal position. She then proceeded to wrap him in layers of that same rope, preparing him, it seemed, to be her next hanging.
Before she covered his head, she sunk her fangs into him once more, taking one last, long pull.
"FFffleeeeeeeeeeeeeezzz ... yeeeesh? Mmmmmmm..."
Licking along his jaw as a last action just as she had done to Tony, she continued wrapping him in the rope until all Jerel could see was blackness, and he felt himself lifted into the air.
I hate to tell Tony, Calvin, and Jerel "I told you so..." but I did, you know?
Tell them so, I mean.
The ending reminded me of the FLY, with Vincent Price, the Original ending.
"Help me! Help...me-e-e-e-eeee..."
Good story, Yvette.
My hat's off to the chef, heh-heh-heh...
Best wishes to you in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Wow, Dean!! I am sitting here in honest-to-goodness shock -- you really liked it!! Okay, so this is me, trying to breathe a sigh of relief at your response. You know, I value your input on this one because I know this is 'your' genre...me? Not so much...the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!)...so I really just didn't even know how to gauge something like this as, right up until it was 'my' work, I may have skipped something like this even in a review....so I appreciate your honest feedback. Thank you. :) ;)
So far as the italics are concerned, I really think they are necessary in shorter writes because the reader doesn't have time to 'get to know' the characters' personalities to know if something is said blandly or sarcastically or whatever. In a shorter write, I would think italics, as long as they are not over-used, would lend to character development where time is limited for such. :) :) But, then again, I'm no expert and am certainly not a 'trained' writer 'in the know'......so, I'm probably not a good opinion in which to put a lot of 'stock'. :) ;) LOL!
But I am certainly beyond THRILLED that you got the 'spider' implications early on...tried to 'do it without letting on' in my descriptions and such ... so, HOORAY that it worked! :) ;) So, in short, your review has assured me that this 'darkside' venture seems to have worked...maybe I'll give it another go down the road....right now, I just have to get the whole, creepy thing out of my mind!! I kind of 'live' my writes in my imagination even after they're done, and this one just needs to go away - LOL!!! :) ;) ;)
Thank you so very much for the time I know this took to write, Dean - it truly means even more than those stars!! :) :) Take care of yourself and have an amazing week! :) ;) Yvette :)
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You are more than welcome, Yvette.
You do horror proud, LOL.
~Dean ;)
Comment from meeshu
this is really something special, I loved the Spideryness of it. I also got a Hansel and Gretel vibe from it. only more sick and twisted. great write, Yvette. stellar..................meeshu
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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this is really something special, I loved the Spideryness of it. I also got a Hansel and Gretel vibe from it. only more sick and twisted. great write, Yvette. stellar..................meeshu
Comment Written 10-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thanx for taking the time to read through this one, Gary -- so very much appreciated! :) ;) I decided to take a stab at a 'true horror' write, but the fantasy writer in me kept trying to intrude (if that makes any sense!)...I'm glad you found it stellar, though (I already knew the sick and twisted...seems to be what the genre calls for these days - lol!), makes me feel a little better about it. I really just don't know how to gauge something like this as, right up until it was 'my' work, I would have skipped something like this even in a review....so I appreciate the honest feedback. :) ;) :) Have a great week ahead with much more cheerier fantasies of your own!! :) ;) Yvette :)
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this stands tall in any genre. intriguing open, puzzling middle with clues, big logical conclusion. Bingo! a great story. Sick and Twisted Rules, Yvette.
Comment from Debbie Pope
This is so good, Mrs. Poe. It actually reminds me of Preston and Child and their Pendergast series. Do you read that? They are the masters of terror to me. You are really stepping things up, Yvette, when I start comparing you to Poe, Preston, and Child. I told you that you could write horror. I would bet my social security check that you will win this one.
I like that Jerel screamed before he thought to do so. That's exactly how terror comes out.
And, I love the grace of her gnarled hands, and that she was "wicked good." This horrible story is written with such finesse.
Every time that I thought that your story could not get more terrifying, it did. You gave us readers no relief. Not a bit of it.
I cannot believe that I do not have a six star rating for this piece. To me, this is the best thing that you have posted. You need to enter it in other short story competitions.
I did notice two typos. In your first paragraph, at the end, the sentence "no matter the direction they chose to 'walk around the outer edge', they always ended up either back where they started." Is the either supposed to be there?
And, in your paragraph "Wait, Cal," he looked all around as if to find someone else watching them, "I don't think that's very good idea." You left out the "a" before very good idea.
Best wishes with the success of this story.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2018
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This is so good, Mrs. Poe. It actually reminds me of Preston and Child and their Pendergast series. Do you read that? They are the masters of terror to me. You are really stepping things up, Yvette, when I start comparing you to Poe, Preston, and Child. I told you that you could write horror. I would bet my social security check that you will win this one.
I like that Jerel screamed before he thought to do so. That's exactly how terror comes out.
And, I love the grace of her gnarled hands, and that she was "wicked good." This horrible story is written with such finesse.
Every time that I thought that your story could not get more terrifying, it did. You gave us readers no relief. Not a bit of it.
I cannot believe that I do not have a six star rating for this piece. To me, this is the best thing that you have posted. You need to enter it in other short story competitions.
I did notice two typos. In your first paragraph, at the end, the sentence "no matter the direction they chose to 'walk around the outer edge', they always ended up either back where they started." Is the either supposed to be there?
And, in your paragraph "Wait, Cal," he looked all around as if to find someone else watching them, "I don't think that's very good idea." You left out the "a" before very good idea.
Best wishes with the success of this story.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2018
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You have relieved my anxiety after pushing the 'post' button, Debbie -- no lie! I have been a nervous wreck and I knew I could count on you to be honest! :) ;) Thank you for the corrections...put them in -- if you have a chance to pop over and look-see it for me, that would be great! :) ;) Okay, once again, thank you...I am definitely feeling a little better...and I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you here...I kept hearing your words of 'you can do creepy'...and after the 'dead cat' write placed in that silly little contest, I thought, okay...gonna give the B'ham friend's advice a try...so, here it is!! :) ;) ;) Thank you for the vote of confidence, ma'am! and thanx for being an honest bud! :) ;) Yvette :)
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All corrected.
You have proved that I was right about you and creepy. With your imagination and turn of a phrase, you are awesome.
Comment from country ranch writer
Hum so much for being curious as to what the old lady was doing. curiosity killed a cat they used to say but satisfaction didn't bring those three back.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Hum so much for being curious as to what the old lady was doing. curiosity killed a cat they used to say but satisfaction didn't bring those three back.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thank you so very much for your time to read and review my work, Country Ranch -- very much appreciated! :) ;) As I stated in my notes, this was my first venture into the 'horror' genre so I am quite thrilled that you found it a compelling read. :) ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful week ahead of more cheerier fantasies of your own! :) :) Yvette :)
Comment from Sherechita
I really like it! Perhaps a bit too Tolkien at first with the description of the "web", but all in all, it was a wonderful story. I was unable to pull away, which of course, is one characteristic of a truly good story. Some of the punctuation, such as the quotation marks on the words connected and headboard, was a bit distracting, but not so much that it took away from the story. I liked the way that you wrote about your exploration of an object, such as the fanny pack/backpack thing from the point of view of the young men. The story was much like the spider's web that they were exploring. It kept drawing me in closer and closer until I was captured. Well done!
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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I really like it! Perhaps a bit too Tolkien at first with the description of the "web", but all in all, it was a wonderful story. I was unable to pull away, which of course, is one characteristic of a truly good story. Some of the punctuation, such as the quotation marks on the words connected and headboard, was a bit distracting, but not so much that it took away from the story. I liked the way that you wrote about your exploration of an object, such as the fanny pack/backpack thing from the point of view of the young men. The story was much like the spider's web that they were exploring. It kept drawing me in closer and closer until I was captured. Well done!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thank you so very much for your time to read and review my work, Sherechita -- very much appreciated! :) ;) As I stated in my notes, this was my first venture into the 'horror' genre so I am quite thrilled that you found it a compelling read. :) ;) I took care of those quotations -- they were actually remnants from the original copy that should not have remained so thank you for pointing them out! :) ;) Here's wishing you a wonderful week ahead of more cheerier fantasies of your own! :) :) Yvette :)
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I must tell you that this story stuck with me. I retold it to my coworkers, who were as intrigued and delighted as I was. This was a very good 1st story and I really hope that there will be more.
