Betrayed From Within
The opening chapter12 total reviews
Comment from Debbie Pope
I love your story, and I am so glad that I caught the first chapter. I intend to follow it all the way. It deserves a six star rating, but I am out already.
You say you are interested in editing help so I did a grammar check. It's definitely good enough to be published, but I noted comma errors below.
paragraph 5--Gregory, the new Director,
paragraph 5--CIA,
paragraph 9--Ashe sensed it was the President's idea. (nothing wrong with the way that it is written, but changing the her makes it easier to follow)
paragraph 10--She was, he believed,
paragraph 10-- ever encountered and
paragraph 14--discharged, and the fleeing man fell
paragraph 27--"Only as a sports lover. He was
paragraph 40--"I'd love to get it back; it contains all my contact details
paragraph 41--"One last question, Alison. Did you
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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I love your story, and I am so glad that I caught the first chapter. I intend to follow it all the way. It deserves a six star rating, but I am out already.
You say you are interested in editing help so I did a grammar check. It's definitely good enough to be published, but I noted comma errors below.
paragraph 5--Gregory, the new Director,
paragraph 5--CIA,
paragraph 9--Ashe sensed it was the President's idea. (nothing wrong with the way that it is written, but changing the her makes it easier to follow)
paragraph 10--She was, he believed,
paragraph 10-- ever encountered and
paragraph 14--discharged, and the fleeing man fell
paragraph 27--"Only as a sports lover. He was
paragraph 40--"I'd love to get it back; it contains all my contact details
paragraph 41--"One last question, Alison. Did you
Comment Written 20-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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Debbie, what a great review. Punctuation is one of my great weaknesses and I thank you sincerely for correcting my mess-ups. Corrections such as these sure improve my chances when I commence submitting as I'm told Agents quickly discard manuscripts containing too many errors. So a huge thank you for reading and improving my writing. Maybe I should employ you as my editor. Sadly it doesn't pay too well.
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Any excuse to read your works closer. I was happy to help.
Comment from kahpot
I thoroughly enjoyed this read, though I was a bit concerned when Ash decided that the president was the more honest than most as he had just met her for the first time and not for long, --an excellent read and I look forward to reading more****kahpot
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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I thoroughly enjoyed this read, though I was a bit concerned when Ash decided that the president was the more honest than most as he had just met her for the first time and not for long, --an excellent read and I look forward to reading more****kahpot
Comment Written 20-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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You've picked up on something I failed to mention. This wasn't the first meeting between Ashe and the President. I'll make the change now. Thank you for reviewing Betrayed from Within. Reviews from the better writers on the site, and you sure qualify there, carry more credibility, at least to me.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bob (the other one) I am so glad to see your novel of Ashe Morgan. It sounds like an interesting theme. As a first impression, I feel this is a lo to grasp in the early part o the book. You have an entire novel to go, so I wouldn't crowd everything about the plot into the first four paragraphs. Perhaps you weren't aware of that, but it is the way it felt to me. Too much to absorb.
I would do sme of this in the first chapter but definitely not all. Fo one thing, be sure to describe Ashwe a little better. How tall is he? does she have q lot of hair? That type of thing. Same for the president. Same for Allison, I'm afraid, my friend.
You wanted honesty and I am giving it as best as I can based on this first experience with your Ashe Morgan. I may be off base here in that you evidently have two other books done of the Ashe Morgan series. In that case you have already covered a lot of the territory I am requesting, but remember, with each book, you strill must draw me in. You have to bring new readers up to date, just as if they had never heard about Ashe Morgan. Because ai haven't.
I see your talent as a skilled writer in this little taste I got. You definitely have a good eye for strong imagery. Also, you are almost there with showing and not telling. That's a biggie, as you know.
In short, Bob, I would only suggest that you have given the reader an awful lot to grasp at one time with no real background to support it.
You have a good bead on strong action already. That's fo sure.
"
Alison was relaxed, talking on the phone while taking her evening stroll, oblivious to all around her. The collision was unexpected and physically jarring. The impact knocked her off her feet, winded her and left her gasping for breath. She crashed to the ground with force. He'd come from nowhere, running in apparent panic."
Good writing style my friend. I will watch for more. :) Bob
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Hi, Bob (the other one) I am so glad to see your novel of Ashe Morgan. It sounds like an interesting theme. As a first impression, I feel this is a lo to grasp in the early part o the book. You have an entire novel to go, so I wouldn't crowd everything about the plot into the first four paragraphs. Perhaps you weren't aware of that, but it is the way it felt to me. Too much to absorb.
I would do sme of this in the first chapter but definitely not all. Fo one thing, be sure to describe Ashwe a little better. How tall is he? does she have q lot of hair? That type of thing. Same for the president. Same for Allison, I'm afraid, my friend.
You wanted honesty and I am giving it as best as I can based on this first experience with your Ashe Morgan. I may be off base here in that you evidently have two other books done of the Ashe Morgan series. In that case you have already covered a lot of the territory I am requesting, but remember, with each book, you strill must draw me in. You have to bring new readers up to date, just as if they had never heard about Ashe Morgan. Because ai haven't.
I see your talent as a skilled writer in this little taste I got. You definitely have a good eye for strong imagery. Also, you are almost there with showing and not telling. That's a biggie, as you know.
In short, Bob, I would only suggest that you have given the reader an awful lot to grasp at one time with no real background to support it.
You have a good bead on strong action already. That's fo sure.
"
Alison was relaxed, talking on the phone while taking her evening stroll, oblivious to all around her. The collision was unexpected and physically jarring. The impact knocked her off her feet, winded her and left her gasping for breath. She crashed to the ground with force. He'd come from nowhere, running in apparent panic."
Good writing style my friend. I will watch for more. :) Bob
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you Bob for stopping by and providing such fantastic feedback. This is what I want and need. Five and six star reviews that say nothing are merely ego feeders. Comments like yours allow the writer to hone his skills and that is precisely what I want and need. Thanks Bob for your honest and constructive review
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Go get em, Bob. You are definitely talented. Bob
Comment from Sally Law
Very well done Bob! You are a fine writer with a good imagination. I would offer two critiques if I may. Feel free to embellish more. You had a few areas where more could of been said. This should help with the flow of the story. The two paragraphs after, " Get this to my friend."
At the end, I see a typo, it should read-- badge red Lexus. I look forward to your next chapters!
Kindest regards to you and yours, Sally
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Very well done Bob! You are a fine writer with a good imagination. I would offer two critiques if I may. Feel free to embellish more. You had a few areas where more could of been said. This should help with the flow of the story. The two paragraphs after, " Get this to my friend."
At the end, I see a typo, it should read-- badge red Lexus. I look forward to your next chapters!
Kindest regards to you and yours, Sally
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you Sally for reading and reviewing. Comments like yours, particularly the request to be advised when more is posted really boosts an authors ego and also removes some of the doubts.
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It absolutely does help to have people to cheer you on and encourage your writing. I am blind, and if I can do it so can you!!!!
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like the story line. It makes me want to know what is going on. A page turner for me. I didn't catch any mistakes and usually don't when I am involved in a story. Well done.
::) Nancy
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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I like the story line. It makes me want to know what is going on. A page turner for me. I didn't catch any mistakes and usually don't when I am involved in a story. Well done.
::) Nancy
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you Nancy. Comments like this ease the doubts caused by the Agent rejections. I really appreciate your taking the time to read and review
Comment from aryr
This definitely peaked one's interest, lots of suspense and mystery. I enjoyed reading the first part with the conversation between Ashe (who I initially thought was a woman) and Madam President. Then you flipped to the next day and introduced Alison and the adventure of her life. It was a nice touch to included a disappearing phone. Well done, very much enjoyed thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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This definitely peaked one's interest, lots of suspense and mystery. I enjoyed reading the first part with the conversation between Ashe (who I initially thought was a woman) and Madam President. Then you flipped to the next day and introduced Alison and the adventure of her life. It was a nice touch to included a disappearing phone. Well done, very much enjoyed thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you aryr. I guess your response means I now have to go on and complete the story. It's so good for the ego to know someone actually likes it. Thank you again
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You are most welcome Bob and of course you have to finish it . (smile)
Comment from Dawnya
As the author, you are the expert. All I can provide is one reader's perspective. I hope you find some nuggets of truth or advice in my rambling. I'm going to ignore spag issues, because I'm sure someone else will take up that mantle.
I haven't read your other novels, so some confusion may be due to missing out on some back story. The first sentence sets the tone for the chapter/book. You have provided a good hook.
I understand that the President is upset with the direction that the department of Homeland Security is taking. Since she is the President, why does she need a complicated op to fix the situation? Why not replace the Director? Perhaps this will be made clear later, but I think the reader needs a hint now to buy into the story line.
Early on Ashe mentions that the actions the President wants to take involve deceit. But in the next paragraph, he applauds her honesty. This makes little sense to me. Honestly, the section drags here a bit and since it's unclear (at least to me), I would take out everything from after the "President outlined her plan" to the end of section, so the story picks up with the reporter.
"She crashed to the ground with force" is redundant since you've just told me she was "knocked off her feet."
This sentence needs some reworking, "Without knowing why, or even examining the object thrust at her by the victim, the journalistic instinct in Alison sensed a story." To me you are pointing out the obvious. A man was chased, shot, and carried away; that definitely sounds like a news story.
Overall, this is a great beginning to a story and I would want to continue reading. As a reader, in future chapters, I'd like to know:
Why did the President choose a tennis star for a secret mission?
Why did the President choose a sports writer to chase the story instead of someone on the political/government beat?
Why can't the President deal with Homeland Security more directly? Does she have allies in the heads of other departments?
What will happen to Ashe? Was this all staged? Will he have to be in hiding?
What is in the package that Ashe gave Allison?
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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As the author, you are the expert. All I can provide is one reader's perspective. I hope you find some nuggets of truth or advice in my rambling. I'm going to ignore spag issues, because I'm sure someone else will take up that mantle.
I haven't read your other novels, so some confusion may be due to missing out on some back story. The first sentence sets the tone for the chapter/book. You have provided a good hook.
I understand that the President is upset with the direction that the department of Homeland Security is taking. Since she is the President, why does she need a complicated op to fix the situation? Why not replace the Director? Perhaps this will be made clear later, but I think the reader needs a hint now to buy into the story line.
Early on Ashe mentions that the actions the President wants to take involve deceit. But in the next paragraph, he applauds her honesty. This makes little sense to me. Honestly, the section drags here a bit and since it's unclear (at least to me), I would take out everything from after the "President outlined her plan" to the end of section, so the story picks up with the reporter.
"She crashed to the ground with force" is redundant since you've just told me she was "knocked off her feet."
This sentence needs some reworking, "Without knowing why, or even examining the object thrust at her by the victim, the journalistic instinct in Alison sensed a story." To me you are pointing out the obvious. A man was chased, shot, and carried away; that definitely sounds like a news story.
Overall, this is a great beginning to a story and I would want to continue reading. As a reader, in future chapters, I'd like to know:
Why did the President choose a tennis star for a secret mission?
Why did the President choose a sports writer to chase the story instead of someone on the political/government beat?
Why can't the President deal with Homeland Security more directly? Does she have allies in the heads of other departments?
What will happen to Ashe? Was this all staged? Will he have to be in hiding?
What is in the package that Ashe gave Allison?
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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May I say what a great review this is. Your points are well made and I will attend to all of them. I guess my error here is that as the author, I'm aware of the background but I've failed to advise potential readers of the situation. I will endeavour to fill in that detail tomorrow.
I can't thank you enough for highlighting these shortcomings
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I am glad that it is helpful!
Comment from WildWithWords
G'Day Robert.
Anyone who gives you 3 stars for this ( or even 4 stars in my opinion) is kidding themselves. You know me.... I WILL be "picky" here for you because I know that's what you want of me. However, I really don't see that much to be critical of (though I will be). Hehe!
1) In between these two lines.... "I have an idea." Ashe Morgan listened as the President outlined her plan." AND "That just might work," I feel you need something that actually says that a short time passed as the plan was actually studied/read. It can be as simple as "After a few moments, Morgan announced.... " Otherwise (to me) it looks like the second statement followed the first STRAIGHT AWAY.... ie that Morgan was saying that just 'having a plan' might work.
2) In "Obviously, without a body it's impossible to prove he's dead which makes
the substantiating a charge of murder more difficult." Here the grammar is wrong. Either add the word OF after "substantiating" OR drop the word "the" after "makes". Either works.
3) "professionals don't miss from thirty feet." Nothing is wrong with what's said here, except if you visualize a distance of 30 feet in your head (less than the length of 2 family cars) it just seems that all the action (running , shooting and falling then the car arriving and loading the body) happened within not much more than half a house front. I was visualizing Morgan ran maybe 10-15 steps after the collision (35-50 feet) and the shots came from maybe 20-50 feet the OTHER side of Allison (certainly not right in her ear). To me that's upwards of 60 feet as a bare minimum. I know it doesn't fit the requirements of the comment made, but the action seems "spatially crammed" to me. Go with your gut - you know I'm not always right (only on days ending in a "Y" usually).
4) Just a general observation, Bob. You use a large percentage of short sentences. This is good for fast action, but is too stop start to use for the entire length of a book. Just be aware of it is all I'm saying.
Mate, overall a very well put together piece.... and I'm NOT blowing smoke up your (insert rude word here). In terms of pure writing and story line, well-constructed and maintaining interest, this is much improved on what I recall from way back when.
Bill (WildWithWords)
The story line is clean and well-developed and the editing is careful and close enough to flawless.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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G'Day Robert.
Anyone who gives you 3 stars for this ( or even 4 stars in my opinion) is kidding themselves. You know me.... I WILL be "picky" here for you because I know that's what you want of me. However, I really don't see that much to be critical of (though I will be). Hehe!
1) In between these two lines.... "I have an idea." Ashe Morgan listened as the President outlined her plan." AND "That just might work," I feel you need something that actually says that a short time passed as the plan was actually studied/read. It can be as simple as "After a few moments, Morgan announced.... " Otherwise (to me) it looks like the second statement followed the first STRAIGHT AWAY.... ie that Morgan was saying that just 'having a plan' might work.
2) In "Obviously, without a body it's impossible to prove he's dead which makes
the substantiating a charge of murder more difficult." Here the grammar is wrong. Either add the word OF after "substantiating" OR drop the word "the" after "makes". Either works.
3) "professionals don't miss from thirty feet." Nothing is wrong with what's said here, except if you visualize a distance of 30 feet in your head (less than the length of 2 family cars) it just seems that all the action (running , shooting and falling then the car arriving and loading the body) happened within not much more than half a house front. I was visualizing Morgan ran maybe 10-15 steps after the collision (35-50 feet) and the shots came from maybe 20-50 feet the OTHER side of Allison (certainly not right in her ear). To me that's upwards of 60 feet as a bare minimum. I know it doesn't fit the requirements of the comment made, but the action seems "spatially crammed" to me. Go with your gut - you know I'm not always right (only on days ending in a "Y" usually).
4) Just a general observation, Bob. You use a large percentage of short sentences. This is good for fast action, but is too stop start to use for the entire length of a book. Just be aware of it is all I'm saying.
Mate, overall a very well put together piece.... and I'm NOT blowing smoke up your (insert rude word here). In terms of pure writing and story line, well-constructed and maintaining interest, this is much improved on what I recall from way back when.
Bill (WildWithWords)
The story line is clean and well-developed and the editing is careful and close enough to flawless.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thanks Bill. I really appreciate your input. I'm intending to rewrite tomorrow and I'll attend to the changes you suggest. I'm just playing with this at the moment I'm less than 10,000 words into it and I just wanted to get a feel of reader's reaction. Thanks again.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Bob,
I think I would have been inclined to give the full names on the character's first introduction rather than waiting until later on.
Is this another re-working of an old chapter? It seemed very familiar to me.
She was, he believed more honest than any person - probably need a comma after believed (appositive comma)
She crashed to the ground with force. - you could maybe go for a stronger word here and lessen the description. Instead of crashed you could use, plummeted, cannoned to, thumped, or suchlike to imply the 'with force' aspect.
She'd fallen heavily - you don't need this as it's already been established.
change come over the senior Police officer. - capitalise both or neither.
"Ashe,......." - you don't need the comma and only use three or four dots for the ellipsis. (although, if it's an interruption a dash would be better)
Only as a sports lover - sport's.
"Ashe came round the corner like Usain Bolt. He ran straight into me, knocked me down, got up and took off again. No apology, just crash. - need closing speech marks here.
Next thing I see is two other guys - and opening ones here.
which makes the substantiating a charge of murder more difficult- either delete 'the' or add in 'of' after substantiating.
I'd love to get it back it contains all my contact details." - insert comma after back.
Alison, did you see which way did the killers headed after the shooting?" - delete 'did' from here.
"One last question, Alison," asked the employee of Homeland Security. "Did you get a good look at them?" - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous dialogue and sentence aren't closed off.
Good hook in this opening instalment. bit of action and a mystery introduced.
Good stuff
GMG
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Hi Bob,
I think I would have been inclined to give the full names on the character's first introduction rather than waiting until later on.
Is this another re-working of an old chapter? It seemed very familiar to me.
She was, he believed more honest than any person - probably need a comma after believed (appositive comma)
She crashed to the ground with force. - you could maybe go for a stronger word here and lessen the description. Instead of crashed you could use, plummeted, cannoned to, thumped, or suchlike to imply the 'with force' aspect.
She'd fallen heavily - you don't need this as it's already been established.
change come over the senior Police officer. - capitalise both or neither.
"Ashe,......." - you don't need the comma and only use three or four dots for the ellipsis. (although, if it's an interruption a dash would be better)
Only as a sports lover - sport's.
"Ashe came round the corner like Usain Bolt. He ran straight into me, knocked me down, got up and took off again. No apology, just crash. - need closing speech marks here.
Next thing I see is two other guys - and opening ones here.
which makes the substantiating a charge of murder more difficult- either delete 'the' or add in 'of' after substantiating.
I'd love to get it back it contains all my contact details." - insert comma after back.
Alison, did you see which way did the killers headed after the shooting?" - delete 'did' from here.
"One last question, Alison," asked the employee of Homeland Security. "Did you get a good look at them?" - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start lower case as the previous dialogue and sentence aren't closed off.
Good hook in this opening instalment. bit of action and a mystery introduced.
Good stuff
GMG
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you giraffmang. After reading this review I understand why you received that award for reviewing this past week. Congratulations on that. I really appreciate the effort you've put into this review, it provides exactly what I want. I'll employ the suggestions you offer.
Comment from BrooklynnPreston
I am no professional so therefor can only say my opinion from the more basic knowledge I know. There were some parts where I became confused due to odd punctuation or lack of quotations separating the lines where a person is speaking and where the author is giving 'secret' detail to help the reader. Other than that, this is so amazingly written, the suspense is incredible, and such an interesting idea by far. If I was to see this series at the local library, there's no doubt in the world I would pick it up. Wish you luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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I am no professional so therefor can only say my opinion from the more basic knowledge I know. There were some parts where I became confused due to odd punctuation or lack of quotations separating the lines where a person is speaking and where the author is giving 'secret' detail to help the reader. Other than that, this is so amazingly written, the suspense is incredible, and such an interesting idea by far. If I was to see this series at the local library, there's no doubt in the world I would pick it up. Wish you luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you Brooklyn for critiquing this first instalment. Your words provide the encouragement I need. I'll do a rewrite tomorrow and hopefully clear the confusion you mention
