Mobette Dickinson
snorkeling17 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
I did a get a fairly good laugh at this one.
The ripples in the glassy water are smooth and reflect the clouds in the sky. - the descriptions sound good in this sentence but they don't add up. If the water is glassy there wouldn't be ripples.
Your piece appears to be double spaced which isn't really necessary. it gives the impression that the story is much longer than it actually is which can cause folk to skip on by.
Bubbles descend to the surface - ascend surely as they'd float upwards.
We talk for couple of hours - for a couple?
knew that humans could not breath under water - breathe underwater.
I keep all of this to myself. I am not sure anyone would believe me. - I would reword this to something like 'I kept the encounters to myself as I am sure anyone would believe me'. the way it's worded at present in the current paragraph means no one would believe the content of that paragraph rather than the encounters, all of which is perfectly believable as it's true...
snorkelling is a shallow water activity as opposed to swimming out into the ocean.
(I understand it's fantasy but it would be better to root it in reality when you can)
Some sharks maybe more intelligent than others - may be probably in this instance.
and bids me good-bye - goodbye could be a single word here.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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I did a get a fairly good laugh at this one.
The ripples in the glassy water are smooth and reflect the clouds in the sky. - the descriptions sound good in this sentence but they don't add up. If the water is glassy there wouldn't be ripples.
Your piece appears to be double spaced which isn't really necessary. it gives the impression that the story is much longer than it actually is which can cause folk to skip on by.
Bubbles descend to the surface - ascend surely as they'd float upwards.
We talk for couple of hours - for a couple?
knew that humans could not breath under water - breathe underwater.
I keep all of this to myself. I am not sure anyone would believe me. - I would reword this to something like 'I kept the encounters to myself as I am sure anyone would believe me'. the way it's worded at present in the current paragraph means no one would believe the content of that paragraph rather than the encounters, all of which is perfectly believable as it's true...
snorkelling is a shallow water activity as opposed to swimming out into the ocean.
(I understand it's fantasy but it would be better to root it in reality when you can)
Some sharks maybe more intelligent than others - may be probably in this instance.
and bids me good-bye - goodbye could be a single word here.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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I appreciate all of your suggestions, I do plan on a rewrite. Prose is not my strong suit. I agree that snorkeling is usually done in shallow water but I did snorkel in the open ocean in the Bahamas(very briefly). Thanks for taking time to read and review. Elaine
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello author smiles
What a great entry for your -
Fantasy Fiction story for the snorkeling contest, I wish you the very best
Thank you for posting you story.
Gert
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Hello author smiles
What a great entry for your -
Fantasy Fiction story for the snorkeling contest, I wish you the very best
Thank you for posting you story.
Gert
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for your encouraging comments. Elaine
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You are welcome Elaine
Gert
Comment from LaFrance
The word snorkeling is a fun word, and your story you entered is a fun story. Very imaginative and clever to combine swimming with the sharks and integrating radioactive dumping. Create work.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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The word snorkeling is a fun word, and your story you entered is a fun story. Very imaginative and clever to combine swimming with the sharks and integrating radioactive dumping. Create work.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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I appreciate your taking time to read my story and I feel honored by your encouraging words. Thanks so much. This was quite a challenge for me and I will be doing a rewrite. Thanks again. Elaine
Comment from Karol Bond
Very unique story. How I have wished to carry on a conversation with dolphins myself. I love the story direction. Good work.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Very unique story. How I have wished to carry on a conversation with dolphins myself. I love the story direction. Good work.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for reading and enjoying. Elaine
Comment from Renee J. St.Germain
This is such a creative story! It held my attention right from the start, and all the way through. I love how the shark and Ms. Dickenson became friends. I also thought it was clever when you explained that the shark is able to talk because of nuclear waste. It was also this part in the writing that I found confusing as to who was saying what for the rest of the story. This was a fun to read, and I'd be interested in reading another chapter. I wish you the best in the contest. :)
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reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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This is such a creative story! It held my attention right from the start, and all the way through. I love how the shark and Ms. Dickenson became friends. I also thought it was clever when you explained that the shark is able to talk because of nuclear waste. It was also this part in the writing that I found confusing as to who was saying what for the rest of the story. This was a fun to read, and I'd be interested in reading another chapter. I wish you the best in the contest. :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for taking time to read. I will be doing a rewrite. Another reviewer is helping me with the grammar mistakes and other issues. Prose is difficult for me. Thanks again. Elaine
Comment from heart of Lou
This is a very good story for the contest about snorkeling. The admiration of the Great Whites comes through really well, and the unique relationship the protagonist has with the shark is very interesting.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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This is a very good story for the contest about snorkeling. The admiration of the Great Whites comes through really well, and the unique relationship the protagonist has with the shark is very interesting.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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I appreciate your taking time to read and review. Your encouraging words mean much to me. Elaine
Comment from fm wright
Certainly there's quite an adventure to snorkeling. Perhaps more than one knows. I really can't fault you as my main genre is fantasy. Anyway I like the story from beginning to end. Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Certainly there's quite an adventure to snorkeling. Perhaps more than one knows. I really can't fault you as my main genre is fantasy. Anyway I like the story from beginning to end. Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thanks for taking time to read. This is a fun and fantasy story. I appreciate your positive comments. Elaine
