Mobette Dickinson
snorkeling17 total reviews
Comment from RFL
This is a totally amazing and creative story. I much appreciate the wonder of greater communication with all manner of animals, fish and plants. I cannot imagine anyone giving you less than six stars on this one. And, my friend, I was going to enter this contest, but after reading your entry, I will not do so. Good luck in the contest. Best, RFL
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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This is a totally amazing and creative story. I much appreciate the wonder of greater communication with all manner of animals, fish and plants. I cannot imagine anyone giving you less than six stars on this one. And, my friend, I was going to enter this contest, but after reading your entry, I will not do so. Good luck in the contest. Best, RFL
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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I am honored so much by your words. Prose is a struggle for me and you have made my day with this generous amount of stars. Thanks so much for taking time to read and review. I am so glad you enjoyed this fantasy shark tale. Elaine
Comment from Miranda Langston
this is an absolutely fantastic entry into the Snorkeling Contest. I love the dialogue and i really like the way that you made the characters capture the reader's feelings
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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this is an absolutely fantastic entry into the Snorkeling Contest. I love the dialogue and i really like the way that you made the characters capture the reader's feelings
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Your review made my day. I appreciate your taking time to read and your positive comments. Elaine
Comment from WildWithWords
A very unusual approach taken to human-shark relations here. I like it. I like how the shark proves its bona fides by protecting the woman from the bull shark.
Several things I would comment on....
1) "She backs away and more words reach my mind". Sharks don't swim backwards. Easily fixed as the natural "avoidance" move by a shark is sideways.... hence "She veers away ...." (or similar) instead.
2) There are at least two places where you haven't used quotation marks to denote spoken (mind) words.... one is "You ....... are intelligent?!" (where I'm not too sure of the correctness of an exclamation mark following a question mark either) and the other is...."A school of hammerheads are in contact with aliens...."
Finally the ending.... "I stand on the beach with my mask on and watch the ocean for a long time."
Are you happy with this? I think you could do more. Leave the reader ( and the contest makers/voters) with something to think about. Something for the future like....
"As I stand on the beach pondering the future I find myself wondering if, just maybe, Mobette's great grandchildren and mine will see a lasting peace between our two species." Just a thought.
Bill (WildWithWords)
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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A very unusual approach taken to human-shark relations here. I like it. I like how the shark proves its bona fides by protecting the woman from the bull shark.
Several things I would comment on....
1) "She backs away and more words reach my mind". Sharks don't swim backwards. Easily fixed as the natural "avoidance" move by a shark is sideways.... hence "She veers away ...." (or similar) instead.
2) There are at least two places where you haven't used quotation marks to denote spoken (mind) words.... one is "You ....... are intelligent?!" (where I'm not too sure of the correctness of an exclamation mark following a question mark either) and the other is...."A school of hammerheads are in contact with aliens...."
Finally the ending.... "I stand on the beach with my mask on and watch the ocean for a long time."
Are you happy with this? I think you could do more. Leave the reader ( and the contest makers/voters) with something to think about. Something for the future like....
"As I stand on the beach pondering the future I find myself wondering if, just maybe, Mobette's great grandchildren and mine will see a lasting peace between our two species." Just a thought.
Bill (WildWithWords)
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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I love your suggestion for the last line, it is perfect and I am going to change to that line. The missing punctuation marks are what another reviewer suggested. I appreciate your taking time to read and review this story. Prose is not my strong suit and I need all the help I can get. I am still revising this story. I also appreciate pointing out that sharks do not swim backwards. Even though this is a fantasy, it needs some real life characteristics of sharks. Thanks again for taking time to read and review. Elaine
Comment from Kelly Grim
I like this fantasy story. It starts off really beautifully. You have an almost poetic way of writing about the sharks in the water. I love that Dr. Dickinson and the shark begin "talking" and develop a relationship. So clever and well done. I think some of the conversation between Dr. Edwards and Dr. Dickinson is a little too stiff, maybe. And I got a little lost right after Dr. Edwards stands up. The very next paragraph about the aliens, are we to assume that's a story Dr. Edwards tells, and if so I'm curious as to why it's not in dialogue format? It just stood out... Ultimately, I like how this ends with Dr. Dickinson's loyalty to Mobette. Nicely done!
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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I like this fantasy story. It starts off really beautifully. You have an almost poetic way of writing about the sharks in the water. I love that Dr. Dickinson and the shark begin "talking" and develop a relationship. So clever and well done. I think some of the conversation between Dr. Edwards and Dr. Dickinson is a little too stiff, maybe. And I got a little lost right after Dr. Edwards stands up. The very next paragraph about the aliens, are we to assume that's a story Dr. Edwards tells, and if so I'm curious as to why it's not in dialogue format? It just stood out... Ultimately, I like how this ends with Dr. Dickinson's loyalty to Mobette. Nicely done!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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I appreciate your taking time to read and review. I am still revising this story, many reviewers are helping me with the grammar and the flow of the story. Thanks for your suggestions and positive comments. Towards the end of the story, it becomes choppy and disconnected. Thanks for an encouraging review. Elaine
Comment from JSimpl2
This is an interesting quasi fantasy contest entry. It clearly incorporates the keyword snorkeling since much of the story occurs while the protagonist is snorkeling off the coast of Cape Cod and interacting mentally with a Great White Shark. The piece moves along but sometimes seems disjointed and somewhat choppy. The concept of interacting mentall with a shark is an interesting one as is the report of the marine biologist who visits her 'out of the blue.'
I can't tell if this is a 'tongue in cheek' story or something else but there are cute aspects about it such as the origin of the name the scuba diver gives the shark (though I don't know how she knew the shark was female prior to the shark reporting her pregnancy). It likely would have taken the author a while to lay out the story and execute it to her liking. The writing is a valiant effort in creating a likely story about snorkeling.
Thanks for the read and best wishes to you and all those your cherish.
Sincerely, Jonnie September 10, 2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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This is an interesting quasi fantasy contest entry. It clearly incorporates the keyword snorkeling since much of the story occurs while the protagonist is snorkeling off the coast of Cape Cod and interacting mentally with a Great White Shark. The piece moves along but sometimes seems disjointed and somewhat choppy. The concept of interacting mentall with a shark is an interesting one as is the report of the marine biologist who visits her 'out of the blue.'
I can't tell if this is a 'tongue in cheek' story or something else but there are cute aspects about it such as the origin of the name the scuba diver gives the shark (though I don't know how she knew the shark was female prior to the shark reporting her pregnancy). It likely would have taken the author a while to lay out the story and execute it to her liking. The writing is a valiant effort in creating a likely story about snorkeling.
Thanks for the read and best wishes to you and all those your cherish.
Sincerely, Jonnie September 10, 2018
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I appreciate your taking time to read and review this story. Usually, I write poetry and prose is not easy for me, I am trying to branch out with my writing. You have made some important points here. Great point about the main character knowing the shark was female before she mentioned her pregnancy. Some clarification is needed here. I have a tendency to have choppy writing and need to develop a much smoother story here.
I write fantasy, so this story is a fantasy. But I know even fantasy has to make some sense.
Thanks again for taking time to read and review. I appreciate your constructive comments. Elaine
Comment from Lady Jane
and see the Great Whites in (a) natural environment. -I'd use the word 'their' instead of 'a' as you have Great Whites/plural - just a suggestion
"You ....... are intelligent?!" - remove on of the punctuation marks here :)
We face each other in the water, small waves appears and move us closer. - remove the 's' on appears - small waves appear and move us closer - edit suggestion
The mask allows me to see the beauty of the ocean." - because the preceding sentence ended with ocean how about rewriting this to:
'The mask allows me to see the beauty under water.' - or something similar?
We talk for (a) couple of hours. - insert 'a' here
She asks about the snorkeling equipment again(.) (S)he never knew that humans could not breath under water. - these are two independent complete sentences and can stand alone - :)
been here on earth since the age of (the) dinosaurs. - just a suggestion, but I'd remove the second 'the' - it breaks up the sentence flow.
'...been here on earth since the age of dinosaurs' sounds a bit cleaner, you think?
I call her Mobette Dickinson(.) (S)he is a female Moby Dick after the whale in my favorite book. - here also there are two independent sentences that can stand alone if desired. :)
Dickinson is the name of my favorite poet, Emily Dickinson(,) and happens to be my last name (also). - to help with sentence flow
Any information you can share with me(,) would be helpful in my studies." - comma not needed here. :)
A school of hammerheads (is) in contact with aliens. - given hammerheads is plural 'are' would work better here:
A school of hammerheads are in contact with aliens.
Dr.Edwards stands up. - in both spots where Dr. Edwards is typed as stand alone sentences, there is a space missing before the 'E' in Edwards and after the period in 'Dr.' - just a suggestion
What a fun read. There were a few nits- pointed out above- and once they're addressed I WILL come back and upgrade the star count because this was a fun, clear write. I enjoyed the idea that the SHARK (pregnant) was a gentle giant and the SNORKLER was a 60 plus something grandmother. You gave them both such a clear voice that resonated throughout the write. It built well, had steady pace, and the imagery drew you in to the water with them as they explored and talked. Well done writer. Let me know when nits are addressed so I can come back and award this a stronger star count. Good luck in the contest with this fine write.
Janelle
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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and see the Great Whites in (a) natural environment. -I'd use the word 'their' instead of 'a' as you have Great Whites/plural - just a suggestion
"You ....... are intelligent?!" - remove on of the punctuation marks here :)
We face each other in the water, small waves appears and move us closer. - remove the 's' on appears - small waves appear and move us closer - edit suggestion
The mask allows me to see the beauty of the ocean." - because the preceding sentence ended with ocean how about rewriting this to:
'The mask allows me to see the beauty under water.' - or something similar?
We talk for (a) couple of hours. - insert 'a' here
She asks about the snorkeling equipment again(.) (S)he never knew that humans could not breath under water. - these are two independent complete sentences and can stand alone - :)
been here on earth since the age of (the) dinosaurs. - just a suggestion, but I'd remove the second 'the' - it breaks up the sentence flow.
'...been here on earth since the age of dinosaurs' sounds a bit cleaner, you think?
I call her Mobette Dickinson(.) (S)he is a female Moby Dick after the whale in my favorite book. - here also there are two independent sentences that can stand alone if desired. :)
Dickinson is the name of my favorite poet, Emily Dickinson(,) and happens to be my last name (also). - to help with sentence flow
Any information you can share with me(,) would be helpful in my studies." - comma not needed here. :)
A school of hammerheads (is) in contact with aliens. - given hammerheads is plural 'are' would work better here:
A school of hammerheads are in contact with aliens.
Dr.Edwards stands up. - in both spots where Dr. Edwards is typed as stand alone sentences, there is a space missing before the 'E' in Edwards and after the period in 'Dr.' - just a suggestion
What a fun read. There were a few nits- pointed out above- and once they're addressed I WILL come back and upgrade the star count because this was a fun, clear write. I enjoyed the idea that the SHARK (pregnant) was a gentle giant and the SNORKLER was a 60 plus something grandmother. You gave them both such a clear voice that resonated throughout the write. It built well, had steady pace, and the imagery drew you in to the water with them as they explored and talked. Well done writer. Let me know when nits are addressed so I can come back and award this a stronger star count. Good luck in the contest with this fine write.
Janelle
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I am going to revise this story with your suggestions. I am grateful for your suggestions. I am venturing into prose and need all the help I can get. Grammar is especially challenging for me and I appreciate your taking time to address the errors. Thanks so much for taking time to read and give a thoughtful review. Elaine
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I am upgrading the star count and look forward to seeing your next post when I get to know who you are ;-)
Janelle
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Thanks so much. I appreciate your suggestions. Elaine (Mermaids).
Comment from Hugh McDowell
Very entertaining story. Well told with great pace and flow. I loved the conversation between the snorkeler and Mobette as well as their growing friendship. This works on a several levels; human/non human interaction, pollution and possible affects, outer space aliens). One question, is this supposed to have quotation marks? A school of hammerheads is in contact with aliens. They speak telepathicly to the aliens. The aliens believe the sharks are the dominant species on this planet. If not, it seems a little misplaced. Excellent work. Hugh
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Very entertaining story. Well told with great pace and flow. I loved the conversation between the snorkeler and Mobette as well as their growing friendship. This works on a several levels; human/non human interaction, pollution and possible affects, outer space aliens). One question, is this supposed to have quotation marks? A school of hammerheads is in contact with aliens. They speak telepathicly to the aliens. The aliens believe the sharks are the dominant species on this planet. If not, it seems a little misplaced. Excellent work. Hugh
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I am in the process of correcting the grammar mistakes in the story. I appreciate your taking time to read and review. I especially appreciate your generous amount of stars. Thanks so much. Elaine
Comment from D.A. Mandel
This is hilarious! On the first reading, it wasn't clear to me that the conversation with the shark is telepathic. Maybe one or two more speech taglines about hearing Mobette's words in her head would help the reader.
It also wasn't obvious until around the middle that it's a fantasy/sci-fi story. The conversation with the marine biologist was too easy to be anything else. Is this set in the future? Or an alternate reality?
P.S. You might want to correct some spelling and punctuation errors.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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This is hilarious! On the first reading, it wasn't clear to me that the conversation with the shark is telepathic. Maybe one or two more speech taglines about hearing Mobette's words in her head would help the reader.
It also wasn't obvious until around the middle that it's a fantasy/sci-fi story. The conversation with the marine biologist was too easy to be anything else. Is this set in the future? Or an alternate reality?
P.S. You might want to correct some spelling and punctuation errors.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I am going to revise the grammar mistakes. The story is a fantasy. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate you taking time to read my story. Elaine
Comment from kiwijenny
I wish you had a deck of cards...laminated of course. I think Mobette Dickinson could learn ...she'd be the great white card shark.
Wow this is a fun read...I chortled as you snorkeled ...but my cousins daughter Emma is an oceanographer and has been nudged by a great white...it freaked her out completely
God bless
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I wish you had a deck of cards...laminated of course. I think Mobette Dickinson could learn ...she'd be the great white card shark.
Wow this is a fun read...I chortled as you snorkeled ...but my cousins daughter Emma is an oceanographer and has been nudged by a great white...it freaked her out completely
God bless
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Yeah.. I think I would be a little nervous to be swimming with them. Thanks for reading and enjoying my fantasy story. I also appreciate your generous amount of stars. Elaine
Comment from kahpot
What a wonderful read and story, you have a great imagination and creativity, I enjoyed this romp through your snorkeling adventure, very well done and best wishes for your contest****kahpot
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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What a wonderful read and story, you have a great imagination and creativity, I enjoyed this romp through your snorkeling adventure, very well done and best wishes for your contest****kahpot
Comment Written 08-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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I appreciate your taking time to read my fantasy story and your generous amount of stars. Thanks so much. Elaine
