Natural Light
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Star Trails"contemporary poetry
13 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
You succeeded in capturing the mysteriousness of the night sky. I admired your alliteration of "s's" and "d's" and your "arms" simile to add intensity to your description. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2018
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You succeeded in capturing the mysteriousness of the night sky. I admired your alliteration of "s's" and "d's" and your "arms" simile to add intensity to your description. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and your wonderful comments supporting the poem. Glad you enjoyed and that the musical elements worked so well for you estory
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about the stars in the night sky that tells its own stories we like to know more about. A vastness bigger than we can imagine and many things we will not be able to understand.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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A very well-written poem about the stars in the night sky that tells its own stories we like to know more about. A vastness bigger than we can imagine and many things we will not be able to understand.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for your five star review and your wonderful comments supporting this poem, I appreciate it estory
Comment from apky
I'm absolutely no good with poetry, estory.
I may love reading them, and quoting them in my prose, but I don't know how I could break them down technically in a review. All I can do is say what I liked or didn't like in a line of whole stanzas.
Which was the mysteriousness of the skies and how you describe them here:
Stars dancing the dance of darkness
And lighting the clouds above the moonlit oceans
Tracing out the shapes of faces
And whispering something in the sacred silence
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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I'm absolutely no good with poetry, estory.
I may love reading them, and quoting them in my prose, but I don't know how I could break them down technically in a review. All I can do is say what I liked or didn't like in a line of whole stanzas.
Which was the mysteriousness of the skies and how you describe them here:
Stars dancing the dance of darkness
And lighting the clouds above the moonlit oceans
Tracing out the shapes of faces
And whispering something in the sacred silence
Comment Written 11-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and for letting me know what you liked about the poem. My first love is poetry, but i'll be posting enough prose so if you want you can just review the prose, I understand. It's such a beautiful form though; I wonder why you don't get into it. But its a big enough world for everybody, I guess its not everyone's cup of tea. estory
Comment from rama devi
Exquisite exploration of the theme. I especially loved reading the last stanza aloud:
Stars dancing the dance of darkness
And lighting the clouds above the moonlit oceans
Tracing out the shapes of faces
And whispering something in the sacred silence
The S sounds laced through so many lines in the poem generate a sense of hushed awe.
Second favorite lines:
Like empty arms and silent music
Hinting at the mysteries of the blossoms
My only critique is the overuse of the word THE in this stanza:
Stars spreading out the destinations in the skies
And spreading out the furthest reaches of the blue
And spreading out the dreams of the dreaming trees
In the deep sleep of the depths of winter
Ideas for trimming a few:
Stars spreading out destinations in the skies
And spreading out the furthest reaches of blue
And spreading out dreams of dreaming trees
In the deep sleep of winter's depths
I also highly applaud the phrases:
the silence that will outlast us
and
Stars drawing pictures in the sky
Above the ancient mountains
Exquisite work. Delicious to read aloud and to picture. Captures a mystical overtone. Bravo.
Wish I had a six.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Exquisite exploration of the theme. I especially loved reading the last stanza aloud:
Stars dancing the dance of darkness
And lighting the clouds above the moonlit oceans
Tracing out the shapes of faces
And whispering something in the sacred silence
The S sounds laced through so many lines in the poem generate a sense of hushed awe.
Second favorite lines:
Like empty arms and silent music
Hinting at the mysteries of the blossoms
My only critique is the overuse of the word THE in this stanza:
Stars spreading out the destinations in the skies
And spreading out the furthest reaches of the blue
And spreading out the dreams of the dreaming trees
In the deep sleep of the depths of winter
Ideas for trimming a few:
Stars spreading out destinations in the skies
And spreading out the furthest reaches of blue
And spreading out dreams of dreaming trees
In the deep sleep of winter's depths
I also highly applaud the phrases:
the silence that will outlast us
and
Stars drawing pictures in the sky
Above the ancient mountains
Exquisite work. Delicious to read aloud and to picture. Captures a mystical overtone. Bravo.
Wish I had a six.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your comments and suggestions, I am glad you enjoyed the poem so much. I think you are probably right about all the 'the' words, I will trim them down at some point. It's in kind of a Yeatsian style that I fell in love with a few years ago, but I think focusing on the key words is better. I think you liked the same parts I did. The end is probably the best part of it, and I liked that silent music image too; its deeper than first glance. one of my better original images. estory
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Yes, I love that image. Thanks for your gracious response. Happy to help. Blessings, rd
Comment from RFL
This is a very lovely poem, Estory. Your poem made me think of my youth when I wished upon stars for everything I now have. Maybe there is something to that Disney tune.
I have been chided by other authors for saying that an image would enhance a submission. And, quite frankly, before my involvement with FanStory, I would have agreed. But given that FanStory is what it is now, captivating images do have an influence on reviews, I believe. So, in maybe too many words, my suggestion for enhancement of your work is to post an image that attracts the audience, even before reading your beautiful words. Isn't that what happens in the world outside our words? Best to you, Rona
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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This is a very lovely poem, Estory. Your poem made me think of my youth when I wished upon stars for everything I now have. Maybe there is something to that Disney tune.
I have been chided by other authors for saying that an image would enhance a submission. And, quite frankly, before my involvement with FanStory, I would have agreed. But given that FanStory is what it is now, captivating images do have an influence on reviews, I believe. So, in maybe too many words, my suggestion for enhancement of your work is to post an image that attracts the audience, even before reading your beautiful words. Isn't that what happens in the world outside our words? Best to you, Rona
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your wonderful comments and suggestions supporting the poem. I am glad you enjoyed it so much and found it so inspiring; a validation for the format and the imagery of it. estory
Comment from royowen
Space is not only older than we are, but infinite as well. The bible speaks of God living in the void, I'm presuming that void was eternal space, I guess that's were we get "devoid" from, and "formless". You'll know when one contemplates "intelligent design". More than night's contemplation emerges. Beautifully written, I used to freak out when young, contemplating endlessness like space, but that's all it can be, otherwise what's on the other side of the Wall? That started my decades long search. Is there meaning? Beautifully written, I perceive the same searching in you. Well done, great write, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Space is not only older than we are, but infinite as well. The bible speaks of God living in the void, I'm presuming that void was eternal space, I guess that's were we get "devoid" from, and "formless". You'll know when one contemplates "intelligent design". More than night's contemplation emerges. Beautifully written, I used to freak out when young, contemplating endlessness like space, but that's all it can be, otherwise what's on the other side of the Wall? That started my decades long search. Is there meaning? Beautifully written, I perceive the same searching in you. Well done, great write, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your thoughtful comments and ruminations on my poem. its great to see a poem taking flight, and I think the really good ones are obtuse enough to become different things to different people, taking them to places they might not otherwise have gone on their own. I think several things are different about God's perception of the world from us human beings; one is the concept of time, which is meaningless to God. Another is space, which is also meaningless; what matters to God is whats happening here, and now, in our lives. Another is the concept of self, which God does not have. He doesn't live for himself; only for others, his creations. estory
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It's wonderful, endless pondering?
Comment from ElegantButler
A wonderful poem. You've captured the beauty and wonder of the stars very nicely. Stars illuminating the clouds over the ocean... a marvelous vision to behold. Although it would be more beneficial to seafarers if the clouds weren't blocking them.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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A wonderful poem. You've captured the beauty and wonder of the stars very nicely. Stars illuminating the clouds over the ocean... a marvelous vision to behold. Although it would be more beneficial to seafarers if the clouds weren't blocking them.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the five star review and all your comments supporting this poem, I appreciate your enjoyment of it. estory
Comment from Ulla
Hi Estory, the first time I read this it didn't really do it for me, but then I read it out loud a couple of times, and each time I saw some new depth to your poem. Yes, indeed, the stars do tell us a story of time gone by. I like your poem a lot. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Hi Estory, the first time I read this it didn't really do it for me, but then I read it out loud a couple of times, and each time I saw some new depth to your poem. Yes, indeed, the stars do tell us a story of time gone by. I like your poem a lot. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the five star review and all your wonderful comments and your perspective on it. Its kind of in a different style and format from the more opened up pieces I usually do, but this one does have a couple of images that I really liked in it; the empty arms and silent music, and the whispers in the sacred silence. estory
Comment from meeshu
wonderful language and phrasing in a well told story of timeless beauty and ancient starlight. I am a habitual star-gazer, so this hits me where I live. well done E.............meeshu
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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wonderful language and phrasing in a well told story of timeless beauty and ancient starlight. I am a habitual star-gazer, so this hits me where I live. well done E.............meeshu
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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Thanks so much for the five star review and all your comments supporting this poem. Glad you enjoyed it and that it captured that sense of wonder you feel while stargazing. Makes you feel small, the stars in the vastness of space, in their endless time ....estory
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks sheer imagination, about fantastic concept, poet tries to feel cosmic mysteries and their love and challenging roles and mysteries in sacred silence; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR (6-STAR)
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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This speaks sheer imagination, about fantastic concept, poet tries to feel cosmic mysteries and their love and challenging roles and mysteries in sacred silence; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR (6-STAR)
Comment Written 09-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2018
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thanks again for the six star review and all your wonderful comments and your perspective on it. I appreciate all the support estory
