Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Killer Met Her Match"She's back ready for revenge.
7 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Some good action in this piece. Strong emotions flowing well in that second section, contrasting with the joviality of the detectives in the opening.
A few bits and pieces to tidy, I think-
Throwing empty packs in the trash; - empty packs of what. it may not be germane to the scene but seeing as you've given him an action, make it clear.
"Is that the report on Frank," he asks - the dialogue should have a question mark.
"Are you as good as you used to be, Rachel," he asks - same thing here.
All four are married they're in their mid 40's and have been in Berryville for at least 15 years - need some commas in here.
down to only men in their forty's." - forties.
I'm going to find and kill whoever did this," he yells - need opening speech marks here.
Boots clank towards her as she lay frozen on the cold, dusty floor.- perhaps clump rather than clank here. Clank tends to suggest metallic.
light-headed from the lack of oxygen - lightheaded can be a single word here.
To frightened to move - Too.
she wiggling her nose, wiggles.
"You better let me go, - need closing speech marks here.
. "You don't scare me." - delete the full stop from the beginning here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018
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Some good action in this piece. Strong emotions flowing well in that second section, contrasting with the joviality of the detectives in the opening.
A few bits and pieces to tidy, I think-
Throwing empty packs in the trash; - empty packs of what. it may not be germane to the scene but seeing as you've given him an action, make it clear.
"Is that the report on Frank," he asks - the dialogue should have a question mark.
"Are you as good as you used to be, Rachel," he asks - same thing here.
All four are married they're in their mid 40's and have been in Berryville for at least 15 years - need some commas in here.
down to only men in their forty's." - forties.
I'm going to find and kill whoever did this," he yells - need opening speech marks here.
Boots clank towards her as she lay frozen on the cold, dusty floor.- perhaps clump rather than clank here. Clank tends to suggest metallic.
light-headed from the lack of oxygen - lightheaded can be a single word here.
To frightened to move - Too.
she wiggling her nose, wiggles.
"You better let me go, - need closing speech marks here.
. "You don't scare me." - delete the full stop from the beginning here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 15-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your helpful review and continuous support it means a lot to me.
I figured out my problem. I get so focused on correcting one error, I repeat others. Maybe a checklist would help? worth a shot, right? Take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn
Great line to tell us that the killer is a woman
The Killer has to face her attacker if she wants to escape.
And how she knows how to keep the Captain and
Joe busy trying to solve with with so few clues
Now Misty what comes next?
Gert
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2018
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Hello Mistydawn
Great line to tell us that the killer is a woman
The Killer has to face her attacker if she wants to escape.
And how she knows how to keep the Captain and
Joe busy trying to solve with with so few clues
Now Misty what comes next?
Gert
Comment Written 14-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2018
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Thanks for your great review. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. As far as what comes next, well you'll have to wait and see.
Thanks again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You are so welcome
Gert
Comment from apky
Misty, you'll find my suggestions below.
I enjoyed the read as always. You just need a bit more practice and you're doing very well on the whole.
"I'll leave you alone so you can work your magic." He pats Joe on the back. ~ It's not clear to me WHO is patting Joe on the back; I imagine other readers might feel the same.
That's just impossible."(space needed here)Joe slams his fist on the desk.
"I'm sure you will." Mocking Jerry's girly scream, Joe laughs harder. ~ OK great. But where on earth is the dog, amid all this? Is it barking? Has it run out again? Is it licking Jerry's face in apology. Make the scene ALIVE, Misty.
Walking through this part of town scares her. ~ I know you love your -ing verbs to start sentences. But at least avoid them in as critical a position as this one: you have just ended one scene (using the -ing verb in the last sentence of it, by the way), and now start a new scene. Make it ACTIVE not passive and with an -ing verb as the opener. It makes the reader still have their head with Jerry and Joe, then come to the "she" and go Huh? How about:
When she walks through this part of town, it cares her (every time around).
You: Stepping over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk; she cautiously continues on.
Me: She steps over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk; and continued on cautiously.
Closing the door with his foot, he hauls her to the mattress. ~ This reads as if the mattress is giht next to the door; is it?
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2018
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Misty, you'll find my suggestions below.
I enjoyed the read as always. You just need a bit more practice and you're doing very well on the whole.
"I'll leave you alone so you can work your magic." He pats Joe on the back. ~ It's not clear to me WHO is patting Joe on the back; I imagine other readers might feel the same.
That's just impossible."(space needed here)Joe slams his fist on the desk.
"I'm sure you will." Mocking Jerry's girly scream, Joe laughs harder. ~ OK great. But where on earth is the dog, amid all this? Is it barking? Has it run out again? Is it licking Jerry's face in apology. Make the scene ALIVE, Misty.
Walking through this part of town scares her. ~ I know you love your -ing verbs to start sentences. But at least avoid them in as critical a position as this one: you have just ended one scene (using the -ing verb in the last sentence of it, by the way), and now start a new scene. Make it ACTIVE not passive and with an -ing verb as the opener. It makes the reader still have their head with Jerry and Joe, then come to the "she" and go Huh? How about:
When she walks through this part of town, it cares her (every time around).
You: Stepping over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk; she cautiously continues on.
Me: She steps over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk; and continued on cautiously.
Closing the door with his foot, he hauls her to the mattress. ~ This reads as if the mattress is giht next to the door; is it?
Comment Written 14-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your helpful review. Evidently taking time away only made things worse. Back to the drawing board.
The part about the dog, it's not a real dog but a screensaver. I reworded it to make that clearer, please tell me if this helps.
"Don't worry boss, we'll figure this out." A snarling dog runs to the front of Jerry's computer screen when he bumps the mouse. Screaming, he jumps back. Losing his footing, Jerry falls into his chair. His leg hits the lever, his seat drops to the floor. The dog retires to his original spot in the center of the page. "Damn screensaver," Jerry grumbles.
Thanks again for all your help, and support it means a lot to me, take care.
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BTW this screensaver really exists, I had it on my computer, scared myself a few times too, lol.
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Yes, that did the trick. I really thought it was a flesh and blood dog, LOL!
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Me: She steps over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk; and continueS (sorry about the d!) on cautiously.
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WHAT? You made a mistake? It's about darn time. Making all the mistakes was wearing me out, lol.
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Perfect song choice btw. You a great taste in music.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I have been gone for a couple months, and it looks like I've missed a bunch of posts. Being so far behind it isn't likely that I will ever get the chance to catch up, but maybe in the future of upcoming stories I might be able to keep up. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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I have been gone for a couple months, and it looks like I've missed a bunch of posts. Being so far behind it isn't likely that I will ever get the chance to catch up, but maybe in the future of upcoming stories I might be able to keep up. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Welcome back, hope you're doing ok. Please don't feel like you have to catch up for my sake, alright.
I tried scriptwriting while you were gone, it was a fun challenge, different, I'll probably do it again.
Thanks so much for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it, glad to see you back, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting chapter and a terrible place to stop! LOL! Will she be able to stop/kill him? I'm rooting for a serial killer. HOw sick is that? LOL! I notice you have the cops assuming the killer is male. Good angle. :)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Exciting chapter and a terrible place to stop! LOL! Will she be able to stop/kill him? I'm rooting for a serial killer. HOw sick is that? LOL! I notice you have the cops assuming the killer is male. Good angle. :)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review. I'm positive that my work has corrupted your mind now. This is the second serial killer that you're rooting for, lol.
Thank you again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
Does Rachel have a twin? That would make sense why he thought it was her. Or was she lying?
"'That('s) much better,' he says, dragging her towards the building."
"'Are you as good as you use(d) to be, Rachel,' he asks, slamming her body on the bed."
"He pins her arms with his knees. 'Change names, did you? I guess Rachel isn't good enough for you now you're high society. I hope you're still as good in bed as you use(d) to be,' he replies, feeling her up."
"'Hey, Carlos(') are you home?' Jimmy asks, stepping in the door." Take out apostrophe
Awesome chapter! I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Does Rachel have a twin? That would make sense why he thought it was her. Or was she lying?
"'That('s) much better,' he says, dragging her towards the building."
"'Are you as good as you use(d) to be, Rachel,' he asks, slamming her body on the bed."
"He pins her arms with his knees. 'Change names, did you? I guess Rachel isn't good enough for you now you're high society. I hope you're still as good in bed as you use(d) to be,' he replies, feeling her up."
"'Hey, Carlos(') are you home?' Jimmy asks, stepping in the door." Take out apostrophe
Awesome chapter! I can't wait to find out what happens next!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your helpful review, I did realize made so many mistakes. That would make sense, the twin thing, but the only siblings she has is her halfsisters, Jessica and Samantha.
Thanks again for all your support, take care.
Comment from royowen
It looks like our heroine is in dire straights, but she seems au fait with self defence, my bet she'll survive. Joe and Jerry are trying to figure out the sex, the motive, and the person who is the most likely killer, also what connection the victims have in common, well done great excerpt and scribing, well done. Blessings, Roy
Typo : Yaw(n)ing he continues to survey.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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It looks like our heroine is in dire straights, but she seems au fait with self defence, my bet she'll survive. Joe and Jerry are trying to figure out the sex, the motive, and the person who is the most likely killer, also what connection the victims have in common, well done great excerpt and scribing, well done. Blessings, Roy
Typo : Yaw(n)ing he continues to survey.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for another great review. The poor detectives are trying to figure it out, but keep coming up empty-handed. The killer still has a lot more pervs to kill, so yeah, she gets away.
Thank you again for all your support and catching my mistake, take care.
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Most welcome
