Bittersweet Revenge
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Three Tears for Bernie"She's back ready for revenge.
10 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
Your title makes even more sense now. It's a perfect fit. The reason I'm thinking it's probably going to be Emma is because she was kidnapped as a kid, so that man probably kidnapped her and now she's getting revenge for everything he put her through.
"'He finished his last beer around midnight, ten minutes late(r), Greg runs in yelling he's dead."
Keep up the awesome writing!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Your title makes even more sense now. It's a perfect fit. The reason I'm thinking it's probably going to be Emma is because she was kidnapped as a kid, so that man probably kidnapped her and now she's getting revenge for everything he put her through.
"'He finished his last beer around midnight, ten minutes late(r), Greg runs in yelling he's dead."
Keep up the awesome writing!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your great review. You're going with Emma, huh, Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, lol.
Thanks again for all your reviews, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello MistyDawn
you now have me not only suspicious of Rachel until you came up the unknown character that his for some reason attacking (Rachel)
Gert
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Hello MistyDawn
you now have me not only suspicious of Rachel until you came up the unknown character that his for some reason attacking (Rachel)
Gert
Comment Written 13-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review. Remember the girl being attacked said I'm not Rachel. So was it Rachel and she's lying or is it someone else?
Thanks again for all your support, take care.
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Thank You Misty for refreshing my memory
Gert
Comment from giraffmang
Good signifiers employed here for the change in perception and the flashbacks. I found the questioning about the changing tire a little repetitive though.
Sergeant, its Jerry - it's.
He has tears are streaming down his tan face - delete 'are' here.
Maybe for the flashback sequences you should use past tense...
ex's - exes.
well show me, since your already here." - you're.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2018
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Good signifiers employed here for the change in perception and the flashbacks. I found the questioning about the changing tire a little repetitive though.
Sergeant, its Jerry - it's.
He has tears are streaming down his tan face - delete 'are' here.
Maybe for the flashback sequences you should use past tense...
ex's - exes.
well show me, since your already here." - you're.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your kind review and helpful advice. The tire iron thing is repetitious so I took out where he asked Frank.
Thanks again for all your help and support, I hope you're having a great new year, take care.
Comment from apky
Poor Rachel. I'm beginning to understand her drive for revenge.
I've made some minor suggestions and corrections below.
Some officers are interviewing patron(are the officers all interviewing a single partron?), while others secure the area.
Bernie was a good old boy, always willing to lend a helping hand, for a few beers, of course, he chuckles. ~ Misty, is this really the kind of situation where he would chuckle?
"Damn it, Bernie, You(you) seriously need to sit down before ...."
"No, well, l (delete-I) tripped over him, going to my truck.
His lips began(begin) to quiver as he tries to keep from crying.
"Hey(,) detective, I found something,"
Jerry questions(,) annoyed by his repetitive mistake.
This's a charming place(delete-.; add-,) Jerry thinks, inhaling the strong smell of cedar.
His entire decor makes you feel like your(you're) stepping into a friend's cabin, rather than a bar.
I accomplished a lot(delete-.; add-,) Rachel proudly concludes,
"Rachel(,) honey, are you alright?" Bonnie whispers.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Poor Rachel. I'm beginning to understand her drive for revenge.
I've made some minor suggestions and corrections below.
Some officers are interviewing patron(are the officers all interviewing a single partron?), while others secure the area.
Bernie was a good old boy, always willing to lend a helping hand, for a few beers, of course, he chuckles. ~ Misty, is this really the kind of situation where he would chuckle?
"Damn it, Bernie, You(you) seriously need to sit down before ...."
"No, well, l (delete-I) tripped over him, going to my truck.
His lips began(begin) to quiver as he tries to keep from crying.
"Hey(,) detective, I found something,"
Jerry questions(,) annoyed by his repetitive mistake.
This's a charming place(delete-.; add-,) Jerry thinks, inhaling the strong smell of cedar.
His entire decor makes you feel like your(you're) stepping into a friend's cabin, rather than a bar.
I accomplished a lot(delete-.; add-,) Rachel proudly concludes,
"Rachel(,) honey, are you alright?" Bonnie whispers.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your review and for all your help. I wish I could figure out how to stop missing all these mistakes. I read it forward, backward, from the middle a dozen times or more and I still have a lot of errors. Do you have any suggestions?
Thank you again for all your support and catching all my mistakes I do appreciate it.
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It happens to me all the time, Misty. The reason you don't see the little mistakes is because you know your story and what you want to write or have written, so you read with that imaginative author MIND of yours instead of with your EYES! Normal, believe me. I usuall put the writing aside for a couple of days, even an entire week, then re-read it again. That way you have a bit of "distance" from what you wrote.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
And she's doing a good job of it. I'd kill them all too if I'd been put through that inhuman torture! Powerful chapter. So, it IS Rachel who's been killing men. She threw her nasty clothes out of sight and would not let her stepmother in. Gotta be her, right?
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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And she's doing a good job of it. I'd kill them all too if I'd been put through that inhuman torture! Powerful chapter. So, it IS Rachel who's been killing men. She threw her nasty clothes out of sight and would not let her stepmother in. Gotta be her, right?
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review. You think it' Rachel, huh, could be, lol. The torturous treatment could push anyone over the edge.
Thank you so much for all your support, take care.
Comment from Solrac1
The first time I read your chapter, I did for entertainment. The PLOT was excellent. The second time I read it for a review.
When you read my review I would like you to understand the way I present it:
* Anything between { }, and in caps, is part of my review and suggestion.
"Bernie Walters was found stabbed to death at Frank's bar, I'm { YOU APPEAR to have two independent clauses improperly joined with a coma. Maybe you will consider correcting the comma splice with "; I'm"} heading there now."
__________________________________________________________________
Looking around, Joe sees the distraught owner sitting on the bar steps. His eyes are red and swollen, tears {COMMA SPLICE same as above. Please consider "swollen; tears" or "swollen. Tears"} are streaming down his tan face."
__________________________________________________________________
Joe smiles, he knows Pete tries to act tough, but he's actually { IT APPEARS THAT actually may be unnecessary in this sentence. Consider removing it} a gentle soul. "Did he leave with anyone?"
__________________________________________________________________
Saving his drunken {MAYBE the noun ASS might combine better with an adjective other than DRUNKEN. Consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for DRUNKEN } ass was worse than wrestling a pissed gator on steroids, he snickers. God, I'm going to miss him.
__________________________________________________________________
Jerry grabs a hold of his arm. {GRABS A HOLD OF is not paired with the correct article. Consider GRABS AND HOLD OF } "You might as well show me, since your already here."
__________________________________________________________________
"That's Bernie's, he painted it pink, so no one {in " , SO NO ONE" the word SO begins a subordinate clause that does not require a coma. Consider removing the coma and adding the word THAT, as in SO THAT } will steal it," Greg says.
__________________________________________________________________
Drying her face with a worn {MAYBE THE noun TISSUE combine better with an adjective other than WORN. Consider rewritting this word pair or choosing a synonym for WORN } tissue she continues. "He said he needed a beer first." She glances over to where he normally sits, she {YOU APPEAR to have two independent clauses improperly joined with a comma. Consider correcting the comma splice with "; SHE" or ", AND SHE" or ". SHE"} starts crying again. Regaining her composure, she continues, "I offered to collect his tools before dark, he laughs and says the pink crowbar will be there when he leaves."
__________________________________________________________________
I accomplished a lot. Rachel proudly concludes, recalling today's events. She's drying off when she hears a light tap on the door. I have to get rid of these. Scooping up her nasty { LOOKS LIKE the noun CLOTHES might combine better with an adjective other than NASTY. Please consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for NASTY } clothes, she runs to the closet and shoves them in the corner.
__________________________________________________________________
That was a close call. Scanning the room one last time, she { IT MAY BE unclear who or what SHE refers to. Consider the rewriting the sentence to remove the ambiguous reference } walks towards the couch.
__________________________________________________________________
The attacker lies quietly in her apartment, reliving the evening's events. A cool { The word COOL is often overused. Consider using a more specific synonym to improve the sharpness of your writing Maybe CHILLY AND} gentle wind brushes across her face as she gazes towards the sky.
__________________________________________________________________
Please god, please not tonight, she'd beg, hunkering down in bed. She has filthy linen { MAYBE THE noun LINEN will combine better with an adjective other than FILTHY. Consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for FILTHY } tucked tightly around her, trying to make herself feel safe. Hearing heavy footsteps coming down the hall, she starts shaking. Why God, why? What did I do to deserve this, what did I do so wrong? she { THE FIRST word of a sentence should be capitalized. Try She} cries.
__________________________________________________________________
I'll be a good girl from now on, I { TWO INDEPENDENT clause join improperly with a comma. Try ",I" or ",and I" or " .I"} promise I will if you make him go away. Please, God please, make him go away.
__________________________________________________________________
She sees an assortment of scary gadgets dangling from his hands when she glances up. "No, please, not those again," she begs, remembering how he left her a bloody battered {It appears that you are missing a comma between coordinate adjectives BLOODY and BATTERED. Consider a comma such as BLOODY, } mess before.
__________________________________________________________________
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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The first time I read your chapter, I did for entertainment. The PLOT was excellent. The second time I read it for a review.
When you read my review I would like you to understand the way I present it:
* Anything between { }, and in caps, is part of my review and suggestion.
"Bernie Walters was found stabbed to death at Frank's bar, I'm { YOU APPEAR to have two independent clauses improperly joined with a coma. Maybe you will consider correcting the comma splice with "; I'm"} heading there now."
__________________________________________________________________
Looking around, Joe sees the distraught owner sitting on the bar steps. His eyes are red and swollen, tears {COMMA SPLICE same as above. Please consider "swollen; tears" or "swollen. Tears"} are streaming down his tan face."
__________________________________________________________________
Joe smiles, he knows Pete tries to act tough, but he's actually { IT APPEARS THAT actually may be unnecessary in this sentence. Consider removing it} a gentle soul. "Did he leave with anyone?"
__________________________________________________________________
Saving his drunken {MAYBE the noun ASS might combine better with an adjective other than DRUNKEN. Consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for DRUNKEN } ass was worse than wrestling a pissed gator on steroids, he snickers. God, I'm going to miss him.
__________________________________________________________________
Jerry grabs a hold of his arm. {GRABS A HOLD OF is not paired with the correct article. Consider GRABS AND HOLD OF } "You might as well show me, since your already here."
__________________________________________________________________
"That's Bernie's, he painted it pink, so no one {in " , SO NO ONE" the word SO begins a subordinate clause that does not require a coma. Consider removing the coma and adding the word THAT, as in SO THAT } will steal it," Greg says.
__________________________________________________________________
Drying her face with a worn {MAYBE THE noun TISSUE combine better with an adjective other than WORN. Consider rewritting this word pair or choosing a synonym for WORN } tissue she continues. "He said he needed a beer first." She glances over to where he normally sits, she {YOU APPEAR to have two independent clauses improperly joined with a comma. Consider correcting the comma splice with "; SHE" or ", AND SHE" or ". SHE"} starts crying again. Regaining her composure, she continues, "I offered to collect his tools before dark, he laughs and says the pink crowbar will be there when he leaves."
__________________________________________________________________
I accomplished a lot. Rachel proudly concludes, recalling today's events. She's drying off when she hears a light tap on the door. I have to get rid of these. Scooping up her nasty { LOOKS LIKE the noun CLOTHES might combine better with an adjective other than NASTY. Please consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for NASTY } clothes, she runs to the closet and shoves them in the corner.
__________________________________________________________________
That was a close call. Scanning the room one last time, she { IT MAY BE unclear who or what SHE refers to. Consider the rewriting the sentence to remove the ambiguous reference } walks towards the couch.
__________________________________________________________________
The attacker lies quietly in her apartment, reliving the evening's events. A cool { The word COOL is often overused. Consider using a more specific synonym to improve the sharpness of your writing Maybe CHILLY AND} gentle wind brushes across her face as she gazes towards the sky.
__________________________________________________________________
Please god, please not tonight, she'd beg, hunkering down in bed. She has filthy linen { MAYBE THE noun LINEN will combine better with an adjective other than FILTHY. Consider rewriting this word pair or choosing a synonym for FILTHY } tucked tightly around her, trying to make herself feel safe. Hearing heavy footsteps coming down the hall, she starts shaking. Why God, why? What did I do to deserve this, what did I do so wrong? she { THE FIRST word of a sentence should be capitalized. Try She} cries.
__________________________________________________________________
I'll be a good girl from now on, I { TWO INDEPENDENT clause join improperly with a comma. Try ",I" or ",and I" or " .I"} promise I will if you make him go away. Please, God please, make him go away.
__________________________________________________________________
She sees an assortment of scary gadgets dangling from his hands when she glances up. "No, please, not those again," she begs, remembering how he left her a bloody battered {It appears that you are missing a comma between coordinate adjectives BLOODY and BATTERED. Consider a comma such as BLOODY, } mess before.
__________________________________________________________________
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your very helpful review. I'm glad you enjoyed the plot despite the numerous errors. It looks like I need a refresher course in comma usage.
Thank you again for all your help, take care.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Well done, well said, a thrilling read, killing spree continues, detectives become more responsible; she continues to think kill those bastards aped her; thank you for sharing this crime story with us. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Well done, well said, a thrilling read, killing spree continues, detectives become more responsible; she continues to think kill those bastards aped her; thank you for sharing this crime story with us. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for your encouragement and your wonderful review. I am so glad you're enjoying the story.
Thank you so much for all your support, take care.
Comment from His Grayness
I always rate good writing by the power of GRIP that it delivers and therefore, I consider this to be a very good work that indeed holds the reader constantly from beginning to end. I cannot suggest anything to make it better and thank this author for a fine read. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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I always rate good writing by the power of GRIP that it delivers and therefore, I consider this to be a very good work that indeed holds the reader constantly from beginning to end. I cannot suggest anything to make it better and thank this author for a fine read. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for such a wonderful review and encouraging words. It means a lot to a reader, knowing someone enjoyed their work, Take care.
Comment from A. Louise Robertson
I enjoyed the dialog in this story. It is so well written that you can hear it spoken as it's read, and the story builds to a very dark climax with the reason for the violence being disclosed at the end. However, I feel as though this is a "work in progress" - perhaps a first draft, and I'd like to see the dialog "come in for a landing" so to speak. In other words, I think the author needs to paint the scene for the reader- so we are more informed as to where this is taking place so it is not so disjointed. The writer has such wonderful potential and is able to draw interesting characters through the words they are saying.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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I enjoyed the dialog in this story. It is so well written that you can hear it spoken as it's read, and the story builds to a very dark climax with the reason for the violence being disclosed at the end. However, I feel as though this is a "work in progress" - perhaps a first draft, and I'd like to see the dialog "come in for a landing" so to speak. In other words, I think the author needs to paint the scene for the reader- so we are more informed as to where this is taking place so it is not so disjointed. The writer has such wonderful potential and is able to draw interesting characters through the words they are saying.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue, the plot of the story, but sorry you feel it was disjointed. I'll go back and see where I could add more detail, take care.
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I took your advice about adding detail what do you think about this?
Walking through this part of town scares her. It was where she spent most of her childhood, but even then, danger lurked around every corner. Now it's a place where criminals hide from the law and the cops are too afraid of the drug cartel to do anything about it. It?s a place where no one dares walk the streets at night and walks guardedly in the daylight hours.
Everyone knows this cesspool exists, but turns a blind eye to it. She figures prominent citizens would rather have criminals stay in this grungy part of town than in their lavished neighborhoods.
Stepping over the heaps of trash scattered across the sidewalk, she cautiously continues on. The wind picks up giving the morning air crisp feel. Shivering, she wraps her arms around herself as she picks up her pace.
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Wonderful, this does exactly what it's supposed to do - well done and very visual - you are amazing!
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Thank you.
Comment from royowen
I think we get an insight Into the instigator of the deserving victims in the last few paragraphs. Poor old Bernie must have been among the perpetrators of the poor initial victim, and Joe and Jerry are humourful oy carrying out their investigation as vociferously as they can. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Some officers are interviewing patron(s)
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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I think we get an insight Into the instigator of the deserving victims in the last few paragraphs. Poor old Bernie must have been among the perpetrators of the poor initial victim, and Joe and Jerry are humourful oy carrying out their investigation as vociferously as they can. Well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : Some officers are interviewing patron(s)
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much for all reviews and your support. Joe and Jerry, make quite a pair, one always teasing the other. It' their way of breaking up the gloom. I hope to show their personalities more in upcoming chapters.
Thank you again for all your support, take care.
