Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 59 "Chapter Achtzehn part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
30 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
Oh my goodness! You certainly know how to leave a reader hanging in suspense. What just happened? I guess I'll have to wait until I read the next chapter to find out. Great work with this chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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Oh my goodness! You certainly know how to leave a reader hanging in suspense. What just happened? I guess I'll have to wait until I read the next chapter to find out. Great work with this chapter.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2018
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Please don't hurt your eyes reading. I'm worried about you.
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I only read the chapters I missed. I don't plan on reviewing any more today...so don't worry.
Comment from Solrac1
What I like:
Your story has all the necessary ingredients to maintain the interest of the reader.
(*) You start with something fundamental.
(*) then you go into more detail.
(*) and finally, you back your statement up with an example.
But you don't stop there,
(*) You use definite and specific words.
(*) You tell us about the characters best and worse personality trait.
(*) And you make us take a moment to think about "why am I so absorbed in this plot."
What I Do NOT like:
I cross reference the paragraph extracted from your Story and I try to make as clear as possible those instances where I think there is room for improvement,
Hannah Jacobs -- Shana's cousin, the same age and best friend. Married within the past year and just had a baby, Sarah. Her husband, Paul. Sarah was just diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease.
*** (VOICE) This sentence seems to be written in the passive voice. Think about writing in the active voice.
The men followed, but Hannah remained and stared through the window. After all were seated, Anderson asked, "Could I get anyone some coffee or a bottle of water? We may be here a while."
*** (VOICE) This sentence looks as if was written in the passive voice. Why not write in the active voice?
"Father..." Shana's shoulders slouched.
***(VOCABULARY) Maybe slouched is not the best word to use in this context. Please think about replacing it with a more common synonym (slumped)
"He wants you to come home," interrupted Anderson. "He's worried how it would look for you and me staying in a hotel." After she nodded, he continued, "It won't be safe for you to stay at his house or your apartment. I'll speak with him." He put his hand in the small of her back and led her toward her parents.
***(GRAMMAR) Consider changing the preposition in, and write (on)
Hannah touched Shana hand. "Is this real?"
***(GRAMMAR) Maybe you should look at the noun Shanna not in the possessive form and change the noun form. (Shana's).
Notes:
As you can see the dialogues have been left as is. I believe that these dialogues are the expression of how they talk.
Weighting the LIKES and the DO NOT LIKE, The LIKES won!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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What I like:
Your story has all the necessary ingredients to maintain the interest of the reader.
(*) You start with something fundamental.
(*) then you go into more detail.
(*) and finally, you back your statement up with an example.
But you don't stop there,
(*) You use definite and specific words.
(*) You tell us about the characters best and worse personality trait.
(*) And you make us take a moment to think about "why am I so absorbed in this plot."
What I Do NOT like:
I cross reference the paragraph extracted from your Story and I try to make as clear as possible those instances where I think there is room for improvement,
Hannah Jacobs -- Shana's cousin, the same age and best friend. Married within the past year and just had a baby, Sarah. Her husband, Paul. Sarah was just diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease.
*** (VOICE) This sentence seems to be written in the passive voice. Think about writing in the active voice.
The men followed, but Hannah remained and stared through the window. After all were seated, Anderson asked, "Could I get anyone some coffee or a bottle of water? We may be here a while."
*** (VOICE) This sentence looks as if was written in the passive voice. Why not write in the active voice?
"Father..." Shana's shoulders slouched.
***(VOCABULARY) Maybe slouched is not the best word to use in this context. Please think about replacing it with a more common synonym (slumped)
"He wants you to come home," interrupted Anderson. "He's worried how it would look for you and me staying in a hotel." After she nodded, he continued, "It won't be safe for you to stay at his house or your apartment. I'll speak with him." He put his hand in the small of her back and led her toward her parents.
***(GRAMMAR) Consider changing the preposition in, and write (on)
Hannah touched Shana hand. "Is this real?"
***(GRAMMAR) Maybe you should look at the noun Shanna not in the possessive form and change the noun form. (Shana's).
Notes:
As you can see the dialogues have been left as is. I believe that these dialogues are the expression of how they talk.
Weighting the LIKES and the DO NOT LIKE, The LIKES won!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the help. I made the corrections. I always appreciate your dropping by. I missed you.
Comment from Ben Colder
Girl, your research is paying off. Not only are you making this story more interesting, the idea and knowledge could help someone in your reading audience. Well done
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Girl, your research is paying off. Not only are you making this story more interesting, the idea and knowledge could help someone in your reading audience. Well done
Comment Written 11-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from CSChollie
Great dialogue as well as movement, hands, head, etc. I was able to visualize the action. I suppose in previous chapters there were descriptions of the characters, etc. I'm curious what the dangers are and why Shana has to be protected. I'd love to read the chapters that I missed. Are these Orthodox Jews or Reformed, etc.? From your description of how many times you've changed things, I suspect you are a perfectionist. You got me, Barbara. I want to read more. Is there any way I can read your entire story to critique?
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Great dialogue as well as movement, hands, head, etc. I was able to visualize the action. I suppose in previous chapters there were descriptions of the characters, etc. I'm curious what the dangers are and why Shana has to be protected. I'd love to read the chapters that I missed. Are these Orthodox Jews or Reformed, etc.? From your description of how many times you've changed things, I suspect you are a perfectionist. You got me, Barbara. I want to read more. Is there any way I can read your entire story to critique?
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review. They Orthodox Jews. I guess I need to make that clear.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Barbara.wilkey,
It's a nice piece of Romance Fiction having smooth flow trying to keep the reader glued to it.
Having read other pieces, I will be in a position to pass my comments properly.
By now, the story is interesting, and worth waiting for the next parts.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Hello Barbara.wilkey,
It's a nice piece of Romance Fiction having smooth flow trying to keep the reader glued to it.
Having read other pieces, I will be in a position to pass my comments properly.
By now, the story is interesting, and worth waiting for the next parts.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Most Welcome!
~ RP
Comment from Ricky1024
Hi Barbara this chapter was well-written rich and seems as well as imagery the flood well read well no grammar is she so to speak objective and I'll get the contents were both firmly in place the next one just kept the measures alarm for 4 please thanks for just talked to Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Hi Barbara this chapter was well-written rich and seems as well as imagery the flood well read well no grammar is she so to speak objective and I'll get the contents were both firmly in place the next one just kept the measures alarm for 4 please thanks for just talked to Ricky 1024
Comment Written 10-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Jay Squires
Wow, this is a very tight, gripping chapter, Barbara with a great cliff-hanger ending.
You describe Benjamin so very well. You've made him a fine representative of Judaism.
I really do wish I had a six to award this post.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Wow, this is a very tight, gripping chapter, Barbara with a great cliff-hanger ending.
You describe Benjamin so very well. You've made him a fine representative of Judaism.
I really do wish I had a six to award this post.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2018
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Thank you for encouraging review. Coming from you it's extra special.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
This is good.
Is this the sentence:
Shana turned toward Anderson but said to her father, "I'll be right back." (Maybe you were thinking of inserting a comma? I think it is fine the way it is.)
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Hello, :)
This is good.
Is this the sentence:
Shana turned toward Anderson but said to her father, "I'll be right back." (Maybe you were thinking of inserting a comma? I think it is fine the way it is.)
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the kind review. I will recheck that sentence. That's not the one. LOL
Comment from RGstar
I wanted to do a few book reviews, Barbara, as I do from time to time. Not so much time to do many, but like to read something that catches the eye.
When not familiar with a storyline or narrative through previous chapter. I judge a work on how quickly I can relax into the write, not in terms of trying to find out what happened previously, but judging the write's temperament, its ability to lock on to the psyche, to relax the reader into being comfortable enough to read as if watching the beginning of a film, without expecting mishaps. I look for the confidence behind the writing. The use of periphery. Does the writer feel in command of the write, as much to say, it feels as though it is second nature. And, I have to say; kudos to you. Ticks the boxes. I relaxed very quickly, not over thinking or straining to understand the characters... why or what.
A very good piece of writing.
Good luck for the future with it.
My best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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I wanted to do a few book reviews, Barbara, as I do from time to time. Not so much time to do many, but like to read something that catches the eye.
When not familiar with a storyline or narrative through previous chapter. I judge a work on how quickly I can relax into the write, not in terms of trying to find out what happened previously, but judging the write's temperament, its ability to lock on to the psyche, to relax the reader into being comfortable enough to read as if watching the beginning of a film, without expecting mishaps. I look for the confidence behind the writing. The use of periphery. Does the writer feel in command of the write, as much to say, it feels as though it is second nature. And, I have to say; kudos to you. Ticks the boxes. I relaxed very quickly, not over thinking or straining to understand the characters... why or what.
A very good piece of writing.
Good luck for the future with it.
My best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from NiviE
Despite not having read any of the previous sections, I find myself interested in the characters and their struggles. This particular scene "stars" four characters - Anderson, Shana, and her parents Paul and Hannah - and while Hannah's presence in the scene seems incidental, the tension and conflict for Paul are clear. There is some repetition going on that could be omitted, such as when Shana tells Anderson of Paul's opinion. What would serve the chapter better would be determining what Shana's opinion is (as well as Hannah's) and having her convey that. Each character wants something. It's clear here what Paul and Anderson want. But after reading this, it's unclear what the women want. If they're not sure, spell that out. Let the narrative explore their thinking. If Shana's confused about what she wants, show us that. Right now she's just parroting. Also, pacing-wise, this section seems pretty consistent throughout. Show us the characters' feelings through more than just their words. Show Paul clench his fists or snarl (or however he would react to Anderson's statements). Allow pauses after key statements (good time to show the physical reactions or gauge internal thoughts) to let them sink in.
All in all, I'm interested. A few typos, but otherwise very clean. Nicely done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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Despite not having read any of the previous sections, I find myself interested in the characters and their struggles. This particular scene "stars" four characters - Anderson, Shana, and her parents Paul and Hannah - and while Hannah's presence in the scene seems incidental, the tension and conflict for Paul are clear. There is some repetition going on that could be omitted, such as when Shana tells Anderson of Paul's opinion. What would serve the chapter better would be determining what Shana's opinion is (as well as Hannah's) and having her convey that. Each character wants something. It's clear here what Paul and Anderson want. But after reading this, it's unclear what the women want. If they're not sure, spell that out. Let the narrative explore their thinking. If Shana's confused about what she wants, show us that. Right now she's just parroting. Also, pacing-wise, this section seems pretty consistent throughout. Show us the characters' feelings through more than just their words. Show Paul clench his fists or snarl (or however he would react to Anderson's statements). Allow pauses after key statements (good time to show the physical reactions or gauge internal thoughts) to let them sink in.
All in all, I'm interested. A few typos, but otherwise very clean. Nicely done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2018
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HMMM, much of what you pointed out then you would understand why some things are the way they are. This is part of a much longer post. That's why I put that in the post. Thank you.
