Silent Servers
Potlatch Poetry22 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a great idea for a pantoum. Who would have thought of writing an ode in pantoum form to such mundane things as telephone poles? How about calling them phone-line poles? I know these things don't have to be metrical but this is one is made up of lovely iambic tetrameters except in that one line (and of course its repeats).
"Now really notice what you see." The iambs fit so well here. Now look at this:
"What are these wonders, you may ask?
Look all around when you next stroll." The difference is the placing of the not too important word 'you' in both these lines it lies on a stressed syllable. I think it would sound better and work with other 'yous' as a unity of the poem if you swapped round and wrote:
"What are these wonders, may you ask?
Look all around when next you stroll." What do you think? The meaning is unchanged and, for me, it sings!
Just a thought along the way.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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This is a great idea for a pantoum. Who would have thought of writing an ode in pantoum form to such mundane things as telephone poles? How about calling them phone-line poles? I know these things don't have to be metrical but this is one is made up of lovely iambic tetrameters except in that one line (and of course its repeats).
"Now really notice what you see." The iambs fit so well here. Now look at this:
"What are these wonders, you may ask?
Look all around when you next stroll." The difference is the placing of the not too important word 'you' in both these lines it lies on a stressed syllable. I think it would sound better and work with other 'yous' as a unity of the poem if you swapped round and wrote:
"What are these wonders, may you ask?
Look all around when next you stroll." What do you think? The meaning is unchanged and, for me, it sings!
Just a thought along the way.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Absolutely. I have made the change. Thank you for this wonderful, honest, supportive review.
Comment from LIJ Red
I am a word juggler, when you said silent server I thought, "Dumb waiter." Here in the hills, we lose power all too often. We cherish those silent servers. Glad to see someone recognizing them with what my memory recalls as a proper pantoum. Excellent.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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I am a word juggler, when you said silent server I thought, "Dumb waiter." Here in the hills, we lose power all too often. We cherish those silent servers. Glad to see someone recognizing them with what my memory recalls as a proper pantoum. Excellent.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2018
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Thank you. What a wonderful review.
Comment from frierajac
Thank you for posting the pantoum format. I can see why you are having to celebrate the telephone pole as they have been so recently the cause of disaster where I live in Calif. They and all power lines were cut during the fires in the state
and fallen lines have in the past made the worst of a dry forest.
I appreciate the fact of the format and may try one myself.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
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Thank you for posting the pantoum format. I can see why you are having to celebrate the telephone pole as they have been so recently the cause of disaster where I live in Calif. They and all power lines were cut during the fires in the state
and fallen lines have in the past made the worst of a dry forest.
I appreciate the fact of the format and may try one myself.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2018
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Thank you for this wonderful review. I've been told that soon all the lines will be buried. That will probably cause a different set of problems. 8-)
Comment from Ulla
Hi Yvonne, wow, I really liked this. What a great imagination and at the same time an observant eye. You create a wonderful imagery with the silent servers. Yes the telephone poles does indeed serve us. A wonderfully written poem. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Hi Yvonne, wow, I really liked this. What a great imagination and at the same time an observant eye. You create a wonderful imagery with the silent servers. Yes the telephone poles does indeed serve us. A wonderfully written poem. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 03-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much. In the not to distant future, everything will be underground and we will have no telephone poles. That's sad in a way.
Comment from MelB
Hi Yvonne, a great poem on these silent servers. I never thought of them that way before! Great use of the repeating line and alliteration also. Happy New Year!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Hi Yvonne, a great poem on these silent servers. I never thought of them that way before! Great use of the repeating line and alliteration also. Happy New Year!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Gloria ....
This is an excellent theme, for a fine pantoum, Yvonne. I've thought the telephone pole has been seriously underrated in recent years too. You've done them proud returning them to their stately status, even though underground is better.
Great job, beautiful poem.
Gloria
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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This is an excellent theme, for a fine pantoum, Yvonne. I've thought the telephone pole has been seriously underrated in recent years too. You've done them proud returning them to their stately status, even though underground is better.
Great job, beautiful poem.
Gloria
Comment Written 03-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you. Yes, underground is better. Someday, we won't see them anymore.
Comment from lyenochka
So very cool, Yvonne. I looked at the picture and wondered who these "servers" could be. It certainly wasn't a reference to computer servers. But as I read, it became clear. Yes, we are dependent on these "silent servers."
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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So very cool, Yvonne. I looked at the picture and wondered who these "servers" could be. It certainly wasn't a reference to computer servers. But as I read, it became clear. Yes, we are dependent on these "silent servers."
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you for reviewing. Had you guessing, huh? lol
Comment from Sharon Haiste
Well done with the tight structure and your poem still sounds natural and has a good rhythm.
Nicely rhymed and well done.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Sharon
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Well done with the tight structure and your poem still sounds natural and has a good rhythm.
Nicely rhymed and well done.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Sharon
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from l.raven
HI Yvonne, I hope you had a Happy New Years Eve sweet girl...and it continues forever...we never really give credit where credit is do...there are so many things we take granite of...I had to smile when I read your poem...I love the rhythm and the rhyme...and I love your story on the telephone poles...very well written you...love you...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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HI Yvonne, I hope you had a Happy New Years Eve sweet girl...and it continues forever...we never really give credit where credit is do...there are so many things we take granite of...I had to smile when I read your poem...I love the rhythm and the rhyme...and I love your story on the telephone poles...very well written you...love you...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you so much. There are soooo many things we take for granted and never think about. The telephone pole is just one.
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you are so right Yvonne...and you are soooo welcome....xxoo love
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written pantoum poem. You used very good descriptive wording and very good and interesting imagery with the art work. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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This is a very well written pantoum poem. You used very good descriptive wording and very good and interesting imagery with the art work. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2018
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Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
