Legend Chasers
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Sagerton"An old man retells stories of fighting monsters.
26 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Rhonda. Off to a good start in the new year. I enjoyed reading this. I was in west Texas a couple of years ago. Wide open spaces and somewhat bleak, but I like the minimalist ambiance of the western states. Well described. A New Yorker in rural "anywhere" will surely be a culture change for her and for those she encounters. Marilyn
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Hi Rhonda. Off to a good start in the new year. I enjoyed reading this. I was in west Texas a couple of years ago. Wide open spaces and somewhat bleak, but I like the minimalist ambiance of the western states. Well described. A New Yorker in rural "anywhere" will surely be a culture change for her and for those she encounters. Marilyn
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the wonderful review. I'm a bit discouraged with it, though. I may go back to the old more intense ones I haven't finished yet.
Comment from Mike Stevens
A promising beginning--let me see if I can guess the plot from here--Nara turns out the be a vegetarian alien babe from the planet 'Checkmeoutisphere,' no, way off? Oh well--that would make a nifty subject, though!
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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A promising beginning--let me see if I can guess the plot from here--Nara turns out the be a vegetarian alien babe from the planet 'Checkmeoutisphere,' no, way off? Oh well--that would make a nifty subject, though!
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Wow, thanks a lot, now I have to drop that plot. Okay, back to the drawing board!!
Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
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Sorry, Rhonda, I can't help it, it's a gift!
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Indeed. Would you care to write the rest of the book? I could use a year off. lol
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On second thought...
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Just as I thought things were going to work out well for me.
Comment from SLMorrical
I like the descriptive wording, because you can actually visualize the scenery. i also like how your characters are starting evolve at this time. This is an interesting start to the book and look forward to seeing more chapters and reading them.
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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I like the descriptive wording, because you can actually visualize the scenery. i also like how your characters are starting evolve at this time. This is an interesting start to the book and look forward to seeing more chapters and reading them.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Thank you for the wonderful six star rating. You are so sweet! Have a great week,
Rhonda
Comment from apky
I wish you all the luck you can take, Rhonda.
I'm so glad I'm starting a story of yours right from the beginning (unless I'm mistaken). I look forward to more of genteel Nara and her new rough environment and folk!
a renowned legend hunter - I wasn't quite sure what you meant here: that the he was a legendary hunter himself or that he hunted legends/the legendary.
Warm regards,
Apky
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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I wish you all the luck you can take, Rhonda.
I'm so glad I'm starting a story of yours right from the beginning (unless I'm mistaken). I look forward to more of genteel Nara and her new rough environment and folk!
a renowned legend hunter - I wasn't quite sure what you meant here: that the he was a legendary hunter himself or that he hunted legends/the legendary.
Warm regards,
Apky
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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He will be hunting legends, sort of supernatural creature, legends. I'll sneak fantasy back in it shortly.
Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
hang on a moment... where are the other two stories you had going last year...?
Your background section reminded me of interview with a vampire or the Indiana Jones chronicles. It's not a criticism, just an observation... it's a tried and true formula.
You started with the weather...sigh (there's a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do this. It's a cliché [dark & stormy night]. It sets the scene but isn't overly interesting for the reader.
Watch out for passivity. You employ quite a bit of was/were/ in your opening section here. (four in first paragraph in 3 sentences)
I'd start with paragraph two personally and roll the next line into it. the 'let me go' then becomes the hook at the end of the opener, having introduced the woman.
"Let me go!" she heard. I'd invert this as it isn't actually a tag.
car with, Sagerton Police, emblazoned on its side - no need for the commas here.
She was literally surrounded by pickups - she wasn't you know... There's a big bus behind her for a start and a kerfuffle in front of her...
"Ma'am?" A deep voice said - a, lower case for following speech tags unless a proper noun or name.
There beside her, was a tall, thin man dressed in dusty attire. In a quick glance, Nara took in his appearance. - I would change the sentence order here as the description starts before she glances at him here.
"What happened to Mrs. Spencer?" / The text said Barbara Eddins would be in a black pickup truck - name change here?
"Mrs. Eddins asked me to fetch you - and back to the other name here.
She wiped particles of food off it's surface. - its surface.
The set-up sounds interesting from the background information the introduction of the characters is good. You made us wait until the last few lines to give the purpose for Nara's transition out west... maybe it should be introduced a little earlier?
All the best
G
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reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Hi Rhonda,
hang on a moment... where are the other two stories you had going last year...?
Your background section reminded me of interview with a vampire or the Indiana Jones chronicles. It's not a criticism, just an observation... it's a tried and true formula.
You started with the weather...sigh (there's a whole school of thought that says you shouldn't do this. It's a cliché [dark & stormy night]. It sets the scene but isn't overly interesting for the reader.
Watch out for passivity. You employ quite a bit of was/were/ in your opening section here. (four in first paragraph in 3 sentences)
I'd start with paragraph two personally and roll the next line into it. the 'let me go' then becomes the hook at the end of the opener, having introduced the woman.
"Let me go!" she heard. I'd invert this as it isn't actually a tag.
car with, Sagerton Police, emblazoned on its side - no need for the commas here.
She was literally surrounded by pickups - she wasn't you know... There's a big bus behind her for a start and a kerfuffle in front of her...
"Ma'am?" A deep voice said - a, lower case for following speech tags unless a proper noun or name.
There beside her, was a tall, thin man dressed in dusty attire. In a quick glance, Nara took in his appearance. - I would change the sentence order here as the description starts before she glances at him here.
"What happened to Mrs. Spencer?" / The text said Barbara Eddins would be in a black pickup truck - name change here?
"Mrs. Eddins asked me to fetch you - and back to the other name here.
She wiped particles of food off it's surface. - its surface.
The set-up sounds interesting from the background information the introduction of the characters is good. You made us wait until the last few lines to give the purpose for Nara's transition out west... maybe it should be introduced a little earlier?
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Hi, looks like I messed up a lot on this one. I will bring back the one story, Humanity Project, but the other book got a lot of negative feedback because they said it was too serious/severe/dark. Can't win for losing. Maybe I should go back to them and drop this one.
Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
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Stick with what interests you the most. Don't let one or two negative things put you off - even from me! lol
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Your other projects? I loved the last one. the thing about this site is everyone has expectations. it is a very closed group. The stuff I've written that has tanked here is what I've sold and had published out in the real world. I use here for tinkering and some edits but it isn't necessarily a barometer for anywhere else. Remember that. if you're only writing for here, fair enough and stick to what people want, but if it's for you or elsewhere stick to your guns and go for it.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Rhonda;
This feels like it is going to be quite the interesting story. I love it when two characters who are completely opposite come together at the beginning of the storyline. I look forward to reading more,
A nit: 'They stood beside a black and white squad car with, Sagerton Police, emblazoned on its side.' (I think the comma would be better placed BEFORE the 'with.' 'With Sagerton Police' is the clause you need to set off with commas.)
~patty~
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reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Hi, Rhonda;
This feels like it is going to be quite the interesting story. I love it when two characters who are completely opposite come together at the beginning of the storyline. I look forward to reading more,
A nit: 'They stood beside a black and white squad car with, Sagerton Police, emblazoned on its side.' (I think the comma would be better placed BEFORE the 'with.' 'With Sagerton Police' is the clause you need to set off with commas.)
~patty~
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jan-2018
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2018
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Thank you, Patty. I actually had the comma there to begin with, and looked at it too long and felt it was out of place.
I'll fix it.
Thanks,
Rhonda
