Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "The Confession"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
9 total reviews
Comment from Brigitte Elko
This story provokes many emotions on the part of the reader. It is well written with a story line followed easily as empathy is conjured up for the main character."Demons in the Head" is a mysterious title and needs to be explored, by the reader, as the whole book is read.
It was an excellent read and I can not find flaws to edit.
Thanks for sharing.
Brigitte
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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This story provokes many emotions on the part of the reader. It is well written with a story line followed easily as empathy is conjured up for the main character."Demons in the Head" is a mysterious title and needs to be explored, by the reader, as the whole book is read.
It was an excellent read and I can not find flaws to edit.
Thanks for sharing.
Brigitte
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you for such a wonderful review. I imagine you are lost coming in one chapter from the end. In a nutshell, Katelyn has schizophrenia. She uses several methods trying to deal with her illness, to stop the voices, demons in her head. Many of her tactics get her into trouble. Just when things look up for her, something happens and she has to start all over again.
Thanks again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mistydawn In the scene where Madeline's mind if
Katelyn was forced to sell drugs like she claims, etc
was an excellent way to build more interest and questions in my own mind --
Was Katelyn forced to sell drugs like she claims, etc
Then WHAT a sudden impact about Stan
Real good
Gert
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Hello Mistydawn In the scene where Madeline's mind if
Katelyn was forced to sell drugs like she claims, etc
was an excellent way to build more interest and questions in my own mind --
Was Katelyn forced to sell drugs like she claims, etc
Then WHAT a sudden impact about Stan
Real good
Gert
Comment Written 23-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review and encouraging words, I'm so glad you liked it.
Thak you again for all your support, take care.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
This is a good chapter in your story.
The story is easy to read and follow and the characters are staying true.
I look forward to the next part.
Sharon
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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This is a good chapter in your story.
The story is easy to read and follow and the characters are staying true.
I look forward to the next part.
Sharon
Comment Written 22-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review I'm so glad you liked it. I hope you'll stick around for the final chapter.
Thank you again for your kind review and support they mean a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
I'm not so much wondering about Stan as I am about the tape and Katie's confession. I didn't expect it to be Katie. I wonder why she would've done it. She must've been lying because she thought, 'Please believe it.' The wait! Ugh. Can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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I'm not so much wondering about Stan as I am about the tape and Katie's confession. I didn't expect it to be Katie. I wonder why she would've done it. She must've been lying because she thought, 'Please believe it.' The wait! Ugh. Can't wait for more!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your great review. I was hoping Katie's confession and whats on the tape would be an unexpected twist. There is one more twist coming in the final chapter. Hopefully, it'll be as much of a surprise as this one.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and continuous support, they are always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Misty
= GREAT job on using italics for your character's thoughts--and leaving off the dialogue tag. (*<*)
= Another well-written chapter. Good end hook as well.
=> Watch the -overusing- of adverbs--especially back to back.
=> FYI: You have two sentences.
=> Your ellipses at the end of sentence with FOUR periods with not space is correct. (*<*)
(1) I noticed you have one with THREE periods.
(2) Some use three, even though it is more customary to use FOUR. Author's call on what you want to use. I have used THREE, but am trying to break the having and do four. Just make sure with whichever way you do them, be consistent throughout.
(3) There are two ways to do the FOUR:
EXAMPLES: word.... -OR- word... . -OR- word. ... (Notice the spaces between the series of THREE periods on 2 & 3??
=> Ellipses in the middle of sentence are as follows:
FORMULA: word,space,three periods (...),space, word
"T....That's what happened, I swear it is."
SUGGEST= "T ... that's what happened. I swear it is."
Cheers, J
*** Happy Holidays ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Hi, Misty
= GREAT job on using italics for your character's thoughts--and leaving off the dialogue tag. (*<*)
= Another well-written chapter. Good end hook as well.
=> Watch the -overusing- of adverbs--especially back to back.
=> FYI: You have two sentences.
=> Your ellipses at the end of sentence with FOUR periods with not space is correct. (*<*)
(1) I noticed you have one with THREE periods.
(2) Some use three, even though it is more customary to use FOUR. Author's call on what you want to use. I have used THREE, but am trying to break the having and do four. Just make sure with whichever way you do them, be consistent throughout.
(3) There are two ways to do the FOUR:
EXAMPLES: word.... -OR- word... . -OR- word. ... (Notice the spaces between the series of THREE periods on 2 & 3??
=> Ellipses in the middle of sentence are as follows:
FORMULA: word,space,three periods (...),space, word
"T....That's what happened, I swear it is."
SUGGEST= "T ... that's what happened. I swear it is."
Cheers, J
*** Happy Holidays ***
(*.*) A Smile Is Just A Smile Turned Upside-down (*.*)
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and for explaining ellipses. I've changed what you suggested.
Thank you again for all your help and support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
Well, Madeline would probably kick me for this, but at the end I was glad it was Stan in trouble and not Katelyn.
~ Your major challenge is being consistent with your tenses, Misty. Below is my example; see your original example below that, of the same passage:
She still doesn't respond. Madeline isn't trying to be rude. She is so drained both mentally and physically that she doesn't have enough energy to carry on a conversation.
Yours:
She still didn't respond. Madeline wasn't trying to be rude. She was so drained both mentally and physically that she doesn't have enough energy to carry on a conversation.
Hope this helps.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Well, Madeline would probably kick me for this, but at the end I was glad it was Stan in trouble and not Katelyn.
~ Your major challenge is being consistent with your tenses, Misty. Below is my example; see your original example below that, of the same passage:
She still doesn't respond. Madeline isn't trying to be rude. She is so drained both mentally and physically that she doesn't have enough energy to carry on a conversation.
Yours:
She still didn't respond. Madeline wasn't trying to be rude. She was so drained both mentally and physically that she doesn't have enough energy to carry on a conversation.
Hope this helps.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your review. Yes, this helps a lot thank you for catching my mistake.
Madeline probably wishes it didn't have to be either, but she's much better off without Stan in her life. I have big plans for Katelyn in the final chapter.
Thank you again for all of your help and support it always means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Poor Madeline. Things are going from bad to worse. Now it's Stan. He could die.
Why is Katie covering from Katelyn? I thought she hated her, so why give the cops a fake confession to help her? The plot is moving along nicely.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Poor Madeline. Things are going from bad to worse. Now it's Stan. He could die.
Why is Katie covering from Katelyn? I thought she hated her, so why give the cops a fake confession to help her? The plot is moving along nicely.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your great review I hope it was worth the wait. All of your questions will be answered in the final chapter along with one heck of a twist.
Thank you again for all your support it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Oh for a quiet life, eh? Good tension in this piece.
Rachel grabs her phone off of her dash- you could streamline this down to Rachel grabs her phone off the desk. You don't really need off of in most situations.
when she's a little further down the road - generally farther for physical distance.
Watch out for overdoing the adverbs, especially around the speech tags.
After every attempt of calming - this section for three small paragraphs slips into past tense from present.
I need to get her mind off of things - same as earlier, of could be deleted.
"Hello?" she replies weakly - asked or answers here rather than reply as no one has spoken thus no reply.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Hi there,
Oh for a quiet life, eh? Good tension in this piece.
Rachel grabs her phone off of her dash- you could streamline this down to Rachel grabs her phone off the desk. You don't really need off of in most situations.
when she's a little further down the road - generally farther for physical distance.
Watch out for overdoing the adverbs, especially around the speech tags.
After every attempt of calming - this section for three small paragraphs slips into past tense from present.
I need to get her mind off of things - same as earlier, of could be deleted.
"Hello?" she replies weakly - asked or answers here rather than reply as no one has spoken thus no reply.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I'll be more careful about adverbs, farther, further. You didn't say it was dialogue heavy this time so I must be improving there.
Thank you again for your helpful reviews they are always appreciated, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
An engaging chapter, with a lot going on. I think I followed it rather well for not having stayed true to the reading. *smile*
Some things I noticed that you want to recheck:
1.) Rachel quickly redials his number. She hears it click to connect quickly followed --> 2 'quickly's' together
2.) "Katie Howard, Stan's pride and joy?" (s)he questions, not sure she heard him right.
3.) He's found this intim(id)ating tactic very useful even with
4.) unexplained reason, her rational(e) just didn't sit right with him.
5.) Joe springs up from his chair. "What is it, Jerry?"
"Katelyn Howard is going nuts."
--> It's your prerogative, of course, but I understand that editors frown on using such similar names for characters -- the reader has a tendency to get them confused and can never fully connect with them. Just a thought
6.) I beg you, please make it alright again(," s)he sobs into her pillow.
--> as another side note -- though 'alright' is slowing becoming more accepted, 'all right' is actually the more proper version.
Thanks a lot - hope this helps!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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MD,
An engaging chapter, with a lot going on. I think I followed it rather well for not having stayed true to the reading. *smile*
Some things I noticed that you want to recheck:
1.) Rachel quickly redials his number. She hears it click to connect quickly followed --> 2 'quickly's' together
2.) "Katie Howard, Stan's pride and joy?" (s)he questions, not sure she heard him right.
3.) He's found this intim(id)ating tactic very useful even with
4.) unexplained reason, her rational(e) just didn't sit right with him.
5.) Joe springs up from his chair. "What is it, Jerry?"
"Katelyn Howard is going nuts."
--> It's your prerogative, of course, but I understand that editors frown on using such similar names for characters -- the reader has a tendency to get them confused and can never fully connect with them. Just a thought
6.) I beg you, please make it alright again(," s)he sobs into her pillow.
--> as another side note -- though 'alright' is slowing becoming more accepted, 'all right' is actually the more proper version.
Thanks a lot - hope this helps!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review and for all of your suggestions. They were very helpful. I plan to change the names in the final draft, but decided to keep them the same here because I didn't want to confuse people so close to the end.
Thank you again for your always helpful review, and support, take care.
