Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 " Stan's Attacker"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
9 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter, but you left us hanging. That's good, of course, but I hope you will hurry with the next part. I'm nervous and anxious. Pity me and post soon. :)
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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Good chapter, but you left us hanging. That's good, of course, but I hope you will hurry with the next part. I'm nervous and anxious. Pity me and post soon. :)
Comment Written 19-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your encouraging review it pleases me to know that you're that invested in my story. I'll start working on the next chapter today. Thank you again for your encouraging words and continuous support it means so much to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
be careful of 'talking heads'. there are several sections here where it's just dialogue with nothing to break it up. It is rare that this would occur. Characters are normally doing things as they speak. of course, you don't want to overdo it but just be mindful of it.
walkthrough can be one word.
How did this Lucas dude get into your house, to begin with - you don't need the comma here.
maybe someone he owes money too - to.
When writing the dialogue and breaking it for a description or action, providing it's from the same character, you can reopen the dialogue on the same line. it doesn't always need a fresh line of new paragraph. When you take a fresh line it gives the impression of a new talker.
Good solid continuation and very crafty spot to end this instalment on.
G
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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Hi there,
be careful of 'talking heads'. there are several sections here where it's just dialogue with nothing to break it up. It is rare that this would occur. Characters are normally doing things as they speak. of course, you don't want to overdo it but just be mindful of it.
walkthrough can be one word.
How did this Lucas dude get into your house, to begin with - you don't need the comma here.
maybe someone he owes money too - to.
When writing the dialogue and breaking it for a description or action, providing it's from the same character, you can reopen the dialogue on the same line. it doesn't always need a fresh line of new paragraph. When you take a fresh line it gives the impression of a new talker.
Good solid continuation and very crafty spot to end this instalment on.
G
Comment Written 19-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your helpful review. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind about splitting dialogue.
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from apky
A brilliant hook in the end, Misty. Perfectly done.
This time I found as good as nothing to correct or comment on. Your style is improving tremendously, my friend. You have my last sixer, and I'm glad I saved it.
"I'm sorry(,) Madeline, but with all the evidence stacked against you, there's not a lot I can do."
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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A brilliant hook in the end, Misty. Perfectly done.
This time I found as good as nothing to correct or comment on. Your style is improving tremendously, my friend. You have my last sixer, and I'm glad I saved it.
"I'm sorry(,) Madeline, but with all the evidence stacked against you, there's not a lot I can do."
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for the review, kind words and fabulous six-star, it means a lot to me.
Thank you again for all of your help and support, I couldn't have improved without you, take care.
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
Hey -- super job leaving this chapter with such an obvious cliff-hanger. I have to admit - if there had been more I would have kept reading - so great job! *smile*
Some notes for you, if I may?
1.) Poor dude has his work cut out for him(, s)he concludes,
2.) "Oh Katelyn, what did you do, what did you do?" (s)he frighteningly asks.
3.) want to go to prison. Please, don't send me there(," s)he cries.
Thanks! Enjoyed!
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
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MD,
Hey -- super job leaving this chapter with such an obvious cliff-hanger. I have to admit - if there had been more I would have kept reading - so great job! *smile*
Some notes for you, if I may?
1.) Poor dude has his work cut out for him(, s)he concludes,
2.) "Oh Katelyn, what did you do, what did you do?" (s)he frighteningly asks.
3.) want to go to prison. Please, don't send me there(," s)he cries.
Thanks! Enjoyed!
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and your helpful suggestions I will fix the problems now, take care.
Comment from Possummagic
This is a great story with lots of momentum. You seem to get more confident with each chapter. It's entertaining for the reader and full of details.
Just a couple of gramatical errors you may have missed.
"Is there any signs of forced entry?" Should be either "are there any signs of forced entry" or "is their any sign of forced entry." Subtle differences.
"No, and there's no signs of a struggle either." Should be with "No, and there are no signs of a struggle..." or " No, and there is no sign of a struggle..." again, subtle changes.
keep writing, I'm enjoying reading.PM
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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This is a great story with lots of momentum. You seem to get more confident with each chapter. It's entertaining for the reader and full of details.
Just a couple of gramatical errors you may have missed.
"Is there any signs of forced entry?" Should be either "are there any signs of forced entry" or "is their any sign of forced entry." Subtle differences.
"No, and there's no signs of a struggle either." Should be with "No, and there are no signs of a struggle..." or " No, and there is no sign of a struggle..." again, subtle changes.
keep writing, I'm enjoying reading.PM
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review and your encouraging words. I am so glad you liked it.
Thanks again for such a wonderful review, take care.
Comment from Natali Holden
That ending! Ugh. I have to wait. And I'm still waiting for the next part of your script too. I'm so excited for that! Anyway, I seriously hope Katelyn didn't do it. That would be awful! But I'll just have to wait...sigh. A few mistakes:
(")Evenin(' or g), Sarge.(")
(")Good evening, Henry.(")
"He tried to kill us, he tried to kill us," (Katelin) exclaims as officers drag her out of the house. - Katelyn instead of Katelin.
(")Ok, Madeline, this is how it is. The DA wants to send you and Katelyn to prison for a very long time."
"I was watching TV when Katelyn knocks asking to be let in. A guy pushes her into our house the moment I open the door. He starts threatening to shoot us if I didn't pay him what Katelyn owes. I was (scarred) detective. S.... so terrified, I didn't know what to do," she stutters. - should be scared.
When Katelyn was all like, "The voices in my head made me do it!" The title made more sense. That part also reminded me of a short story I wrote awhile ago called The Voice. Can't wait for more! Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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That ending! Ugh. I have to wait. And I'm still waiting for the next part of your script too. I'm so excited for that! Anyway, I seriously hope Katelyn didn't do it. That would be awful! But I'll just have to wait...sigh. A few mistakes:
(")Evenin(' or g), Sarge.(")
(")Good evening, Henry.(")
"He tried to kill us, he tried to kill us," (Katelin) exclaims as officers drag her out of the house. - Katelyn instead of Katelin.
(")Ok, Madeline, this is how it is. The DA wants to send you and Katelyn to prison for a very long time."
"I was watching TV when Katelyn knocks asking to be let in. A guy pushes her into our house the moment I open the door. He starts threatening to shoot us if I didn't pay him what Katelyn owes. I was (scarred) detective. S.... so terrified, I didn't know what to do," she stutters. - should be scared.
When Katelyn was all like, "The voices in my head made me do it!" The title made more sense. That part also reminded me of a short story I wrote awhile ago called The Voice. Can't wait for more! Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind and always helpful review. The script was posted four days ago. I didn't say anything because I thought you were too busy to review. Now I wish I would have said something so you wouldn't have to wait so long.
Thanks again for your nice review, take care
Comment from aryr
Very well written. It has a great plot line to it. You definitely provided some interesting details and the level of suspense was amazing. I liked the closing or ending; it just added to the suspense. Throughout the story it kept the reader wanting to read more to find the answers to the questions your writing created. With the ending we still don't have the answers but because it is part of a book I have confidence there will be. Great job, thanks.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Very well written. It has a great plot line to it. You definitely provided some interesting details and the level of suspense was amazing. I liked the closing or ending; it just added to the suspense. Throughout the story it kept the reader wanting to read more to find the answers to the questions your writing created. With the ending we still don't have the answers but because it is part of a book I have confidence there will be. Great job, thanks.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review. I'm so glad you liked it. Two more chapters to the end, the answers, then the hopefully surprising conclusion.
Thank you again for all your support, it means a lot to me, take care.
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You are so welcome, it was truly delightful.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi (*<*)
= This is a GREAT chapter.
= You've done an excellent in improving on your SPAG.
= Just found a few things you should tweak. But overall--Great.
= Excellent end hook, too.
=> Found some missing commas.
=> Also, don't forget--you ALWAYS need a comma on DIRECT ADDRESSES. Here are a couple of examples.
- Oh(,) Katelyn
- I'm sorry(,) Madeline
=> Mama ... Dad ... are UPPERcase -unless- possessive: my mama ... your dad ... his mama ... etc.
- I'm sorry, [m](M)ama
=> This calls for a period--not a comma.
- His normal self, why?
-SHOULD BE: His normal self. Why?
Cheers, J
*** Happy Holidays! ***!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Hi (*<*)
= This is a GREAT chapter.
= You've done an excellent in improving on your SPAG.
= Just found a few things you should tweak. But overall--Great.
= Excellent end hook, too.
=> Found some missing commas.
=> Also, don't forget--you ALWAYS need a comma on DIRECT ADDRESSES. Here are a couple of examples.
- Oh(,) Katelyn
- I'm sorry(,) Madeline
=> Mama ... Dad ... are UPPERcase -unless- possessive: my mama ... your dad ... his mama ... etc.
- I'm sorry, [m](M)ama
=> This calls for a period--not a comma.
- His normal self, why?
-SHOULD BE: His normal self. Why?
Cheers, J
*** Happy Holidays! ***!
(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*>*)
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your review, helpful suggestions, and positive feedback. Those darn commas get me every time. I either have too many or not enough, grrr. The hook was a mistake. I accidentally deleted half the sentence then thought, why not?
Thanks again for all your support and reviews, they mean a lot to me, take care.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is an excellent chapter, Dawn. Everything checked out at the crime scene where Lucas was knifed and Jimmy confirms
Katlyn was at the park earlier, Then you close with a cliff hanger about Stan's surveillance cameras and what they found out. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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This is an excellent chapter, Dawn. Everything checked out at the crime scene where Lucas was knifed and Jimmy confirms
Katlyn was at the park earlier, Then you close with a cliff hanger about Stan's surveillance cameras and what they found out. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2017
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Thank you for such a kind review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. The cliffhanger started out as a mistake. I was typing along and somehow deleted part of the sentence. When I realized what I'd done I thought why not leave it there.
Thanks again for your kind review, take care.
