Comment from sunnilicious

Excellent

Stella was a simple business woman. I never thought of about your scenarios, however, they are common in some places. Beverly Hills has the bikes around the park. Great work. Good luck in the contest :)

 Comment Written 14-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017

Thanks for the kind review, Ine. Have a great week.

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Average

I don't see where you rewrote the ad. Plus there are multiple grammar errors in your post. It seems like nothing more than a rant about what you consider overpriced merchandise.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 13-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017

I just did at 6 am

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Ine,

Great information about this horrible company - perhaps you will save someone else the heartaches and troubles of dealing with them. But I think this piece is supposed to write their ad out a new way -- maybe saying that they are really liars or something.

'Don't buy our bikes because you'll find they are dirty and they stink and cost way too much!' Something like that?

Thaks and good luck!

 Comment Written 13-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great week. I will look into your tip.

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Thanks for your entry to this contest. I especially liked that you share a Dutch ad and of course, it seems all Dutch people ride bikes.

I'm new to writing scripts, too. So you might want to take a look at the format of how to display the conversations. Both Tom Bowling and Bill Schott have written many of them.

I see the last part is your editorial. You might want to indicate who's the speaker.
Thanks for giving us a peek into the Netherlands!

 Comment Written 13-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great week. I have never liked scripts, but just try, LOL

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Well, well, you really do hate this advert...lol

We each say our hello's - hellos.

Then I ask:: 'Why are you here?' - only one colon needed after ask.

Watch you tenses. they fluctuate present/past.

But I ad not shown any interest - had?

had just asked about a deal, she had - unnecessary comma.

GMG

 Comment Written 13-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a great week.

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Good

I don't understand why you don't like the bicycles. How could bikes stink like animal droppings? What is the con? People can see the bikes and test ride them. If they are willing to pay the price, that's up to them. There is only a con if Stella lies about the bikes.

 Comment Written 13-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 13-Nov-2017

Thanks, Ine.

Comment from Mustang Patty

Good

Hi there;
I think for this contest, you need to write a one-act play recreating the commercial. My hubby and I are working on one right now, and I just re-read the instructions for the contest.

Your essay is simply a commentary on what is wrong with the advertisement,

~patty~
ps: when you rewrite, let me know and I will re-review

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a good start of the week.

Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Smiles Robina
good one and clever of how you changed the ad,
especially when I could not read the read the ad that you changed

Gert

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a good start of the week.

reply by Gert sherwood on 12-Nov-2017

You are welcome Robina
Gert

Comment from Sharon Haiste

Excellent

A fun way to perceive and re-write the ad.
It's quite a story you tell.
Well done.
Thank you for sharing this one with us.
Sharon

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a good start of the week.

Comment from Ronni

Excellent

Fair warning on these bikes, who would have ever thought anyone would
be stupid or lazy enough to furnish dirty/smelly bikes without cleaning them
up..but seems there are some in your area. God Forbid!
Nice of you to give forewarning and an alternative suggestion. Am
sure it will be appreciated by many!!!!
Thanks for sharing, have a nice day...
Best wishes, Ronni

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2017

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2017

Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have a nice day.