Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Southern Justice"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from Sharon Haiste
A well written story.
The characters are well presented and the story is interesting.
Coming in part way through and reading only a portion, I can still understand what is happening.
Well done.
Sharon
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
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A well written story.
The characters are well presented and the story is interesting.
Coming in part way through and reading only a portion, I can still understand what is happening.
Well done.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your review and your encouraging words. I am so glad you enjoyed it and that you were able to understand what was going on. Hopefully, you'll stick around for the ending, which is just a few chapters away.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There seems to be quite a jump from the last instalment to this one. Last we saw, Katelyn was heading into that party and now we're somewhere else entirely...
wellbeing can be one word.
I need to close the drapes. - close here isn't in italics?
The looking in the mirror thing for descriptive purposes is very clichéd.
bags the size of saucers - as is this as well.
Katelyn met Mario, Carlos's older brother / Seeing her hesitate, Marcus continues - character name change here and repeated later on.
Well, well, well, old Stan's come a cropper. Should be interesting... Katelyn's predicament...
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Hi there,
There seems to be quite a jump from the last instalment to this one. Last we saw, Katelyn was heading into that party and now we're somewhere else entirely...
wellbeing can be one word.
I need to close the drapes. - close here isn't in italics?
The looking in the mirror thing for descriptive purposes is very clichéd.
bags the size of saucers - as is this as well.
Katelyn met Mario, Carlos's older brother / Seeing her hesitate, Marcus continues - character name change here and repeated later on.
Well, well, well, old Stan's come a cropper. Should be interesting... Katelyn's predicament...
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your great review I"ll be more careful about using cliches. It's about time Stan got a payback. Katelyn, she still has a little growing up to do but she'll get there.
Thanks again for all your reviews and continuous support, It means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter and good news about France!
I hope Katelyn doesn't get into trouble with the new job.
Now what could have happened to Stan! A real shocker!
won't allow her two daughters near her apartment, if Katelyn is home <-- Remove comma. Sometimes you need one before IF and sometimes you do not. This is a case where it is wrong.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Good chapter and good news about France!
I hope Katelyn doesn't get into trouble with the new job.
Now what could have happened to Stan! A real shocker!
won't allow her two daughters near her apartment, if Katelyn is home <-- Remove comma. Sometimes you need one before IF and sometimes you do not. This is a case where it is wrong.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review. Madeline is on her way, Katelyn, well, she'll get it together soon.
Thank you again for all of your reviews they mean a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
Oh heck, I hope whatever has happened to Stan, it's not involving any of his daughters or Madeline.
Below are a couple of suggestions to look into.
He said(say - keep the tense, darling) that Katelyn is older now and that she understands her
but soon realizes(realized - here, too, you have to keep the past tense constant because he's remembering what had already taken place) he desperately needs her help.
Picturing the shock on Stan's face(,) Madeline chuckles.
I understand(,) mom, I really do.
When they do visit Katie's(,) girls(which girls? Why the plural?) seem cold
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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Oh heck, I hope whatever has happened to Stan, it's not involving any of his daughters or Madeline.
Below are a couple of suggestions to look into.
He said(say - keep the tense, darling) that Katelyn is older now and that she understands her
but soon realizes(realized - here, too, you have to keep the past tense constant because he's remembering what had already taken place) he desperately needs her help.
Picturing the shock on Stan's face(,) Madeline chuckles.
I understand(,) mom, I really do.
When they do visit Katie's(,) girls(which girls? Why the plural?) seem cold
Comment Written 04-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your kind review and continuous support. I'm afraid it is one of the three you mentioned, but which one and why? to answer your question of (which girls? Why the plural?) Katie's daughters, I changed girls to daughters hoping that'll clarify what I was trying to say. Thanks for catching that and all my other mistakes. Your help and support is always greatly appreciated, take care. Oh, btw my oldest daughters birthday is the 9th she says she's turning 21, it's more like 21 plus 12.
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Wow, so I guess your daughter's Scorpio too? - Zodiac Sign. Wish her all the best in advance!
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I will, thank you.
The one I just posted is a script, It's an assignment for school.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Mistydawn
= Well written chapter.
= A lot of info--action, which is a good thing. Keeps the reader involved.
= Terrific end hook! A really enjoyable read. Nicely done.
=> You have ( I need to) in italics, but no (the drapes). If I'm reading this correctly, then you should use -italics- on the whole thing--then DELETE -he thinks- The italics tell the read the character is thinking.
=> Remember--any time you use italics reflecting thoughts---don't be redundant by using he/she thinks. (*<*)
- (I need to close the drapes.) [, he thinks.]
= Cheers, J
= Have a good day/evening!
(*<*) Remember--A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*<*)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Hi, Mistydawn
= Well written chapter.
= A lot of info--action, which is a good thing. Keeps the reader involved.
= Terrific end hook! A really enjoyable read. Nicely done.
=> You have ( I need to) in italics, but no (the drapes). If I'm reading this correctly, then you should use -italics- on the whole thing--then DELETE -he thinks- The italics tell the read the character is thinking.
=> Remember--any time you use italics reflecting thoughts---don't be redundant by using he/she thinks. (*<*)
- (I need to close the drapes.) [, he thinks.]
= Cheers, J
= Have a good day/evening!
(*<*) Remember--A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town (*<*)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. I fixed what you suggested. I was told that I'm jumping around too much what do you think?
Thank you again for your great review and helpful suggestions they're always greatly appreciated, take care.
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= True. I would limit your changing POV's too often in a chapter.
= Changing scenes and changing POV's often can be distracting, so I would cut back.
= Even if it means shorter chapters, which is a good thing. Shorter chapters can lead to more reviews. (*>*)
Comment from robyn corum
MD,
This is an intriguing story - but it's moving REALLY fast. You are switching up characters and scenes almost every other paragraph and not really giving your readers a chance to SIT DOWN and get into the MEAT of any of them. (sorry!) I would really like to suggest that you sloooow it down and draw things out better for your reader. Try to do less hopping and skipping around.
Other notes:
1.) What should I paint next? Grabbing a new canvas she places (it) on her easel.
2.) His face is pale and (houses) more wrinkles than what you'd see on a ninety-year-old man.
3.) Stan then notices bags the size of saucers (have) taken up residence underneath his eyes.
4.) He first thought her services (were) a luxury, but soon
5.) Worried he'd make good on his threat, she decides to never broach the topic again." <-- no q mark at the end there, please
6.) I didn't understand what that inner conversation the maid/helper/person had with herself right before she found the body. That is what we call an 'information dump'. That stuff would be much better dropped back into a scene that you've done before - in an actual conversation between these two - not just in her head right now, all alone.
Hope this helps a little! Good luck!
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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MD,
This is an intriguing story - but it's moving REALLY fast. You are switching up characters and scenes almost every other paragraph and not really giving your readers a chance to SIT DOWN and get into the MEAT of any of them. (sorry!) I would really like to suggest that you sloooow it down and draw things out better for your reader. Try to do less hopping and skipping around.
Other notes:
1.) What should I paint next? Grabbing a new canvas she places (it) on her easel.
2.) His face is pale and (houses) more wrinkles than what you'd see on a ninety-year-old man.
3.) Stan then notices bags the size of saucers (have) taken up residence underneath his eyes.
4.) He first thought her services (were) a luxury, but soon
5.) Worried he'd make good on his threat, she decides to never broach the topic again." <-- no q mark at the end there, please
6.) I didn't understand what that inner conversation the maid/helper/person had with herself right before she found the body. That is what we call an 'information dump'. That stuff would be much better dropped back into a scene that you've done before - in an actual conversation between these two - not just in her head right now, all alone.
Hope this helps a little! Good luck!
Comment Written 03-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Thank you for your kind and very helpful review. I've fixed all the problems you suggested. I'll work on the information dump and head hopping tomorrow, it's been a long day and I'm afraid I'll only make it worse.
Thanks again for your helpful review it's always greatly appreciated, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
Her doctor said that Katelyn is making a lot of progress and deserves a little freedom.
*** doctor says?
****
Peeling himself off the couch, Stan glances towards the bright morning sun beaming from his large picture window. I need to close the drapes, he thinks. Holding his aching head, he stumbles off to the adjoining bathroom, hoping to find relief. He starts to open his medicine cabinet when he sees his haggard image in the mirror. Moving a little closer, he takes a better look. His face is pale and housed more wrinkles than what you'd see on a ninety-year-old man. He then notices bags the size of saucers has taken up residence underneath his eyes. I got to stop this nightly drinking, he reasons, staring at the old man looking back at him.
*** I think you have too many pronouns in this paragraph:Â
"Peeling himself off the couch, Stan glances towards the bright morning sun beaming from a large picture window. Better to close the drapes, he thinks. Holding an aching head, he stumbles off to the adjoining bathroom, hoping to find relief. While opening the medicine cabinet, he sees a disturbingly haggard image in the mirror. Moving a little closer results in a better look at a pale face housing more wrinkles than you'd expect to see on a ninety-year-old man. Bags the size of saucers have taken up residence underneath both eyes. I got to stop this nightly drinking, he reasons, staring at the old man looking back at him. At sixty-four, he isn't a spring chicken. His thinning hair and achy bones are reminders of that point. He doesn't want to look like some withered up old prune before his time."
Thinking she's trying to swindle him out of money, Stan mumbles something about deportation as he storms out of the room. Worried he'd make good on his threat, she never broached the topic again.
*** The "never broached" bit is a change to future POV. Try, "she decides to never broach the topic again."
She notices a pot of freshly brewed coffee as she glances around. I bet he's overslept again. Stepping across a huge pile of rubbish she heads towards his den. She sees his feet sticking out of his study when she gets down the hall.
"Mr. Stan, are you alright, Sir?" she asks, running towards the room. She sees his half-naked body lying motionless on the floor, a large puddle of blood circling around him. Terrified, Marie runs screaming through the house.
*** Can't say I'm sorry to see him go, if he is gone. The girls may have less hardship.
Good addition, Misty.
Charlie
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Her doctor said that Katelyn is making a lot of progress and deserves a little freedom.
*** doctor says?
****
Peeling himself off the couch, Stan glances towards the bright morning sun beaming from his large picture window. I need to close the drapes, he thinks. Holding his aching head, he stumbles off to the adjoining bathroom, hoping to find relief. He starts to open his medicine cabinet when he sees his haggard image in the mirror. Moving a little closer, he takes a better look. His face is pale and housed more wrinkles than what you'd see on a ninety-year-old man. He then notices bags the size of saucers has taken up residence underneath his eyes. I got to stop this nightly drinking, he reasons, staring at the old man looking back at him.
*** I think you have too many pronouns in this paragraph:Â
"Peeling himself off the couch, Stan glances towards the bright morning sun beaming from a large picture window. Better to close the drapes, he thinks. Holding an aching head, he stumbles off to the adjoining bathroom, hoping to find relief. While opening the medicine cabinet, he sees a disturbingly haggard image in the mirror. Moving a little closer results in a better look at a pale face housing more wrinkles than you'd expect to see on a ninety-year-old man. Bags the size of saucers have taken up residence underneath both eyes. I got to stop this nightly drinking, he reasons, staring at the old man looking back at him. At sixty-four, he isn't a spring chicken. His thinning hair and achy bones are reminders of that point. He doesn't want to look like some withered up old prune before his time."
Thinking she's trying to swindle him out of money, Stan mumbles something about deportation as he storms out of the room. Worried he'd make good on his threat, she never broached the topic again.
*** The "never broached" bit is a change to future POV. Try, "she decides to never broach the topic again."
She notices a pot of freshly brewed coffee as she glances around. I bet he's overslept again. Stepping across a huge pile of rubbish she heads towards his den. She sees his feet sticking out of his study when she gets down the hall.
"Mr. Stan, are you alright, Sir?" she asks, running towards the room. She sees his half-naked body lying motionless on the floor, a large puddle of blood circling around him. Terrified, Marie runs screaming through the house.
*** Can't say I'm sorry to see him go, if he is gone. The girls may have less hardship.
Good addition, Misty.
Charlie
Comment Written 03-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Thanks for your kind, always helpful review. You're right that was a lot of pronouns I didn't realize there were so many thanks for catching that and my other blunders.
I couldn't kill an animal, heck I cry if I accidentally run one over, yes I know I'm a big sap. I thought about scaring them, but afraid my house will end up like the one on The Birds.
Comment from royowen
Wow, what an action packing, angst inspired episode, it looks like Stan has been murdered, Katelyn has lost her job through a lack of tact and is sliding back into hopelessness, Katie is like her father in some ways. And Madeliene has the beginning of health problems, but is making headway with her painting. An excellent episode, with a plethora of things going on, a pivotal excerpt! Well done, good job, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Wow, what an action packing, angst inspired episode, it looks like Stan has been murdered, Katelyn has lost her job through a lack of tact and is sliding back into hopelessness, Katie is like her father in some ways. And Madeliene has the beginning of health problems, but is making headway with her painting. An excellent episode, with a plethora of things going on, a pivotal excerpt! Well done, good job, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 03-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for your kind review and your continuous support. I had to do something with Stan, but he's not dead, yet. I have to make him suffer a little more for everything he's done. Think the girls deserve that.
Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
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Yes, Stan deserves to suffer, as he made others suffer. Well done, blessings, Roy
