Autumn Concerto
Dance Of the Leaves16 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is lovely and eloquent. Fine imagery, tone and pacing. Fine rhymes. Fine flow. Fine presentation.
Good use of alliteration and other phonetic devices.
I did not like, however, the use of repeated verbs and adverbs in these two sections:
1)
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss turns green to gold
Using turn and turns weakens the voicing, IMHO. Suggest considering using synonyms. For example, shifts would fit in well in line two, especially with its assonance I and consonant S. Example:
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss shifts green to gold
2)
Colors softly fall from trees
pirouetting in the breeze
Clouds float softly by
as they dance across the sky
Using SOFTLY twice in a row weakens that stanza. Consider replacing the first one with gently or the second one with delicately (or any synonym). Some alternative ideas:
Clouds float gently by
as they dance across the sky
Clouds float sweetly by
in a delicate dance across the sky
Love the personification in the closing stanza. The gerund in line two is non-grammatical:
The golden rays of the setting sun
holding hands with coming night
Suggest:
hold hand with coming night
or are holding (but that is not the best voicing)
Lovely closing note:
The leaves aground in radiant splendor
As the ballad of the night ensues
Lovely work - could use minor tweaks and fine tuning.
Enjoyed. I adore the title, too!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2017
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This is lovely and eloquent. Fine imagery, tone and pacing. Fine rhymes. Fine flow. Fine presentation.
Good use of alliteration and other phonetic devices.
I did not like, however, the use of repeated verbs and adverbs in these two sections:
1)
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss turns green to gold
Using turn and turns weakens the voicing, IMHO. Suggest considering using synonyms. For example, shifts would fit in well in line two, especially with its assonance I and consonant S. Example:
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss shifts green to gold
2)
Colors softly fall from trees
pirouetting in the breeze
Clouds float softly by
as they dance across the sky
Using SOFTLY twice in a row weakens that stanza. Consider replacing the first one with gently or the second one with delicately (or any synonym). Some alternative ideas:
Clouds float gently by
as they dance across the sky
Clouds float sweetly by
in a delicate dance across the sky
Love the personification in the closing stanza. The gerund in line two is non-grammatical:
The golden rays of the setting sun
holding hands with coming night
Suggest:
hold hand with coming night
or are holding (but that is not the best voicing)
Lovely closing note:
The leaves aground in radiant splendor
As the ballad of the night ensues
Lovely work - could use minor tweaks and fine tuning.
Enjoyed. I adore the title, too!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 30-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2017
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Thank you for stopping by and for your helpful comments. Stop by again
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:-)))
Comment from Mark Schardine
Poets who celebrate nature must have a keen eye for the details, and express common phenomena in way exceptional ways. Autumn days are short, but we treasure every minute, and the night offers its own beauty.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2017
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Poets who celebrate nature must have a keen eye for the details, and express common phenomena in way exceptional ways. Autumn days are short, but we treasure every minute, and the night offers its own beauty.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2017
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Twice in a day. thanks double LOL. stop by again
Comment from Colette
Hi Fastdigits, I run short on comments to relay my impressions of your beautiful poetry and you dear Fastdigits, compose beautiful poetry and Never Never run short on words and ideas.
I have not renewed my subscription because I have nothing to offer but I can reassure you and the other members.
Hope your son is doing well.
Kind regards,
Colette
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Hi Fastdigits, I run short on comments to relay my impressions of your beautiful poetry and you dear Fastdigits, compose beautiful poetry and Never Never run short on words and ideas.
I have not renewed my subscription because I have nothing to offer but I can reassure you and the other members.
Hope your son is doing well.
Kind regards,
Colette
Comment Written 28-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Ah, my Irish friend, you write better than half the people on this site. Hope all is well with you. Keep in touch
Comment from BeasPeas
This is an interesting poem. The first two stanzas have an aabb rhyme and the third doesn't rhyme at all and could be considered free verse. The first two focus on summer and fall and the third seems to tie the two together. I think this is nicely composed and an enjoyable read. Marilyn
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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This is an interesting poem. The first two stanzas have an aabb rhyme and the third doesn't rhyme at all and could be considered free verse. The first two focus on summer and fall and the third seems to tie the two together. I think this is nicely composed and an enjoyable read. Marilyn
Comment Written 27-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2017
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Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about Autumn and the influence it has on us when we seecyhe changes happening right in front of our eyes, making us a part of the process.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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A very well-written poem about Autumn and the influence it has on us when we seecyhe changes happening right in front of our eyes, making us a part of the process.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
Comment from LateBloomer
Hello fastdigits, This poem is just lovely and filled with glorious imagery. I especially liked the first two lines of each verse:
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss turns green to gold
(Nice)
Also:
Colors softly fall from trees
pirouetting in the breeze
(Fantastic imagery and good word usage of pirouetting)
And:
The golden rays of the setting sun
holding hands with coming night
(Creative imagery)
And so ...
The night and the day almost kiss
as their hands briefly touch
for only a golden moment in time
... and that's all she wrote.
Beautiful complementary artwork choice. Sporadic rhyming.
A timely poem. A pleasure to read. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBoomer
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Hello fastdigits, This poem is just lovely and filled with glorious imagery. I especially liked the first two lines of each verse:
Summer's warm lips now turn to cold
as Autumn's kiss turns green to gold
(Nice)
Also:
Colors softly fall from trees
pirouetting in the breeze
(Fantastic imagery and good word usage of pirouetting)
And:
The golden rays of the setting sun
holding hands with coming night
(Creative imagery)
And so ...
The night and the day almost kiss
as their hands briefly touch
for only a golden moment in time
... and that's all she wrote.
Beautiful complementary artwork choice. Sporadic rhyming.
A timely poem. A pleasure to read. Keep the blue waters flowing. LateBoomer
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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As always, nice of you to visit, and then to spice up my day, those beautiful stars that light up the carpet of golden leaves in the midnight mist. thank you
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Fastdigits
= Beautifully descriptive of Autumn and its colors--the clouds--suns rays.
= Very well penned and presented with gorgeous artwork.
Cheers, J (*<*)
= A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town =
Have a good day/evening!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Hi, Fastdigits
= Beautifully descriptive of Autumn and its colors--the clouds--suns rays.
= Very well penned and presented with gorgeous artwork.
Cheers, J (*<*)
= A Smile Is A Frown Upside Town =
Have a good day/evening!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
-
Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
Comment from Irish Rain
This is just beautiful. I especially like how the setting sun holds hands with the coming night. How original is that!? A wonderful autumn poem, pure pleasure!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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This is just beautiful. I especially like how the setting sun holds hands with the coming night. How original is that!? A wonderful autumn poem, pure pleasure!! Blessings...
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I like it. Very descriptive and colorful.
it has a good rhythm although I'm not sure why you rhymed the first two parts but not the last.
Very nice.
Good luck in your contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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I like it. Very descriptive and colorful.
it has a good rhythm although I'm not sure why you rhymed the first two parts but not the last.
Very nice.
Good luck in your contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
Comment from clsandau
This is a very well written poem about Autumn's beautiful changeover. Your descriptions are great and the poem is really quite peaceful, fitting for this lovely season. Perfect picture to go with it as well. Carol
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
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This is a very well written poem about Autumn's beautiful changeover. Your descriptions are great and the poem is really quite peaceful, fitting for this lovely season. Perfect picture to go with it as well. Carol
Comment Written 25-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2017
-
Thank you for stopping by and for your gracious comments. Stop by again
