Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Brief Reunion"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I wasn't expecting the ending. How heartwrenching. So close and then not to make it. Its a sad story told too often. It makes that much harder to go on and pick up the pieces.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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I wasn't expecting the ending. How heartwrenching. So close and then not to make it. Its a sad story told too often. It makes that much harder to go on and pick up the pieces.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. throughout her life, Katelyn's had a lot of those moments. So close yet so far. I hope you stick around for the conclusion a few chapters away.
Thank you again for your kind review, nice to hear from you again, take care.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Mistydawn
= I love this chapter! Such excellent storytelling.
= I'm probably the only one to hand out a six with a review that has suggestions. I have always been one to dance to my own tune. LOL!
= Won't penalize peeps for learning new things. I like the storytelling, I reward it.
= I pointed out a few things below, but FYI only, so no disrespect meant, and feel free to lose or use as you see fit.
=> If you think about what Katie is doing--the impact of it, then the auto-response would be to gasp first--then speak. If you read them both ways, I believe you'll see difference, so, I tweaked the sentence a bit.
- "She could've been killed," Katie gasps.
SUGGEST: Katie gasps. "She could've been killed."
=> Another FYI: When using for example--He laughed--She chuckled--He nodded, etc., these are stand-alone lines--not dialogue tags. (a) unless you are combining with an action.
SUCH AS: Sandy grinned while curling her finger at Ron, "Come here, you rascal."
STAND-ALONE: Sandy grinned. "Come here you rascal."
=> Comma with all direct addresses.
=> Also, upper-case on Mom--unless it is in the possessive form.
SUCH AS: my mom--your mom--his father, etc.
-"It's ok mom, Katelyn is going to be alright,"
SUGGEST: "It's ok, Mom, Katelyn is going to be alright,"
=> Another direct address needing comma.
=> Also, terms of endearment are lower case, unless they begin the sentence.
- "Yes Honey, it's me." Realizing she's hooked
SUGGEST: "Yes, honey, it's me." Realizing she's hooked
= I look forward to continuing on with your story.
Cheers, J (*<*)
Have a great day/evening
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Hi, Mistydawn
= I love this chapter! Such excellent storytelling.
= I'm probably the only one to hand out a six with a review that has suggestions. I have always been one to dance to my own tune. LOL!
= Won't penalize peeps for learning new things. I like the storytelling, I reward it.
= I pointed out a few things below, but FYI only, so no disrespect meant, and feel free to lose or use as you see fit.
=> If you think about what Katie is doing--the impact of it, then the auto-response would be to gasp first--then speak. If you read them both ways, I believe you'll see difference, so, I tweaked the sentence a bit.
- "She could've been killed," Katie gasps.
SUGGEST: Katie gasps. "She could've been killed."
=> Another FYI: When using for example--He laughed--She chuckled--He nodded, etc., these are stand-alone lines--not dialogue tags. (a) unless you are combining with an action.
SUCH AS: Sandy grinned while curling her finger at Ron, "Come here, you rascal."
STAND-ALONE: Sandy grinned. "Come here you rascal."
=> Comma with all direct addresses.
=> Also, upper-case on Mom--unless it is in the possessive form.
SUCH AS: my mom--your mom--his father, etc.
-"It's ok mom, Katelyn is going to be alright,"
SUGGEST: "It's ok, Mom, Katelyn is going to be alright,"
=> Another direct address needing comma.
=> Also, terms of endearment are lower case, unless they begin the sentence.
- "Yes Honey, it's me." Realizing she's hooked
SUGGEST: "Yes, honey, it's me." Realizing she's hooked
= I look forward to continuing on with your story.
Cheers, J (*<*)
Have a great day/evening
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Thank you for such a fantastic review and your encouraging words. It means a lot to me. I've been told my writing is dialogue heavy so I've been trying to add more description, even it out.
The capitalizing terms of endearment had me puzzled some places say capitalize if it can be replaced with a name and other places says don't or it's personal preference very aggravating for someone trying to learn.
Thanks again for all your help and support, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Glancing around, she notices tan chairs - you use this device a lot. You use noticed frequently when you want to describe a setting. Another way of doing this a little more organically is to incorporate the description into an action or movement such as something like this - Madeline paced around the elongated table before collapsing into one of the tan chairs - in this manner it feels less than a mere description and part of the plot/movement in the piece, if you see what I mean. When you use the device the way you do, it stops all movement and makes everything stationary and passive. t stops the plot moving forward.
By the looks of her frail boney hands, she's worked hard her entire life - not sure this logically follows - she could have been ill perhaps.
"Can I help you?" she asks, pulling her ill-fitting vest closed - it may be better to identify her as the volunteer here as the subject immediately before is Madeline. Also, the description of ill-fitting doesn't really go with someone proficient at their make-up.
I wished I wouldn't have asked now - this is a little awkward, maybe something like 'I wish I hadn't asked now.'
Her manners and appearance - manner.
Her manners and appearance display exemplary professionalism / "I will, Honey." Patting her hand, she quickly walks away.- these two things don't fully match up. exemplary professionalism would not include that more familiar phrase and touch perhaps?
I guess the driver tried to outrun the cops, lost control and wrecked."- maybe crashed rather than wrecked?
they were raping my poor Baby - no need for the capitalisation here.
"I'm so glad you're here," Madeline cries. Wrapping her arms around Katie, she begins to cry. / "Those monsters were raping Katelyn, they were raping my poor Baby," she sobs. / "I hope so," Madeline cries, wearily plopping in a chair. / "I've been such a terrible mom to her, Katie, just awful," she blubbers / horrible mother like Stan's mother claims," she bawls. / "Oh, Katie." She cries - I've pointed these all out as they all suggest crying and one even states she started to BUT it is then followed by this - She cries, laying her head on her daughter's shoulder, she starts sobbing like a baby.- she's already been crying, sobbing, bawling and so on. It's a bit much.
They look up to see a tall, thin surgeon appareled in blue - this is awkward (apparelled).
Turning her head towards her Sister- no need for the capital.
says, giving her an interfering look - what does an interfering look look like?
She has the nerve to choose her demonic child over me.- need to close the speech marks here.
the way she's demolished everything else in our lives. - and again here.
I think that, if it were me, I'd look at the sequencing here. When they are led down the hall to see katelyn, I'd switch to Stan, then at the end switch back to the encounter in Katelyn's room. It's a much stronger ending for this instalment. Stan's bit. coming where it does, takes away some of the tension from Katelyn's arrest.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Glancing around, she notices tan chairs - you use this device a lot. You use noticed frequently when you want to describe a setting. Another way of doing this a little more organically is to incorporate the description into an action or movement such as something like this - Madeline paced around the elongated table before collapsing into one of the tan chairs - in this manner it feels less than a mere description and part of the plot/movement in the piece, if you see what I mean. When you use the device the way you do, it stops all movement and makes everything stationary and passive. t stops the plot moving forward.
By the looks of her frail boney hands, she's worked hard her entire life - not sure this logically follows - she could have been ill perhaps.
"Can I help you?" she asks, pulling her ill-fitting vest closed - it may be better to identify her as the volunteer here as the subject immediately before is Madeline. Also, the description of ill-fitting doesn't really go with someone proficient at their make-up.
I wished I wouldn't have asked now - this is a little awkward, maybe something like 'I wish I hadn't asked now.'
Her manners and appearance - manner.
Her manners and appearance display exemplary professionalism / "I will, Honey." Patting her hand, she quickly walks away.- these two things don't fully match up. exemplary professionalism would not include that more familiar phrase and touch perhaps?
I guess the driver tried to outrun the cops, lost control and wrecked."- maybe crashed rather than wrecked?
they were raping my poor Baby - no need for the capitalisation here.
"I'm so glad you're here," Madeline cries. Wrapping her arms around Katie, she begins to cry. / "Those monsters were raping Katelyn, they were raping my poor Baby," she sobs. / "I hope so," Madeline cries, wearily plopping in a chair. / "I've been such a terrible mom to her, Katie, just awful," she blubbers / horrible mother like Stan's mother claims," she bawls. / "Oh, Katie." She cries - I've pointed these all out as they all suggest crying and one even states she started to BUT it is then followed by this - She cries, laying her head on her daughter's shoulder, she starts sobbing like a baby.- she's already been crying, sobbing, bawling and so on. It's a bit much.
They look up to see a tall, thin surgeon appareled in blue - this is awkward (apparelled).
Turning her head towards her Sister- no need for the capital.
says, giving her an interfering look - what does an interfering look look like?
She has the nerve to choose her demonic child over me.- need to close the speech marks here.
the way she's demolished everything else in our lives. - and again here.
I think that, if it were me, I'd look at the sequencing here. When they are led down the hall to see katelyn, I'd switch to Stan, then at the end switch back to the encounter in Katelyn's room. It's a much stronger ending for this instalment. Stan's bit. coming where it does, takes away some of the tension from Katelyn's arrest.
All the best
G
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your very helpful extensive review. I've made all the changes you suggested and split Katelyn's scene. I'll go back and work on the glance, looked at and try to eliminate the repetition.
Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Extremely well written and exciting. I hated to see it end. You did a wonderful job describing how they all acted, which showed clearly how they felt. I was shocked to see Katelyn's reaction to her sister. I forget what happened between them, but I guess she's not ready to forgive Katie.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Extremely well written and exciting. I hated to see it end. You did a wonderful job describing how they all acted, which showed clearly how they felt. I was shocked to see Katelyn's reaction to her sister. I forget what happened between them, but I guess she's not ready to forgive Katie.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review and for the six star. I'm honored that you found it worthy of such a high mark.
There was a lot of resentment between the girls because of Stan's favoritism. He'd praise Katie for everything she did but push Katelyn aside. The last time the girls were together Katie tormented Katelyn which led to a fight. Katelyn landed in prison on trumped-up charges.
Thanks again for such a high review, take care.
Comment from apky
Madeline seems to have Katelyn's bad luck - no matter what she tries, something else comes out of the blue to ruin all her efforts.
Stan can drink his liver to the grave for all I care. I only hope he won't turn physical on Madeline when she gets back home.
"The policeman told me the van she's(she was) riding in flipped.
I'm so glad Katie seems to have grown into a compassionate woman after all. She seems so concerned about her sister as well as comforting her mother. That shows great character arc development, Misty. Well done.
Yes(,) Honey, it's me.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Madeline seems to have Katelyn's bad luck - no matter what she tries, something else comes out of the blue to ruin all her efforts.
Stan can drink his liver to the grave for all I care. I only hope he won't turn physical on Madeline when she gets back home.
"The policeman told me the van she's(she was) riding in flipped.
I'm so glad Katie seems to have grown into a compassionate woman after all. She seems so concerned about her sister as well as comforting her mother. That shows great character arc development, Misty. Well done.
Yes(,) Honey, it's me.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. I promise Stan will get what's coming to him, lol. Madeline will become stronger, more independent and Katie will shock you.
Thanks again for all your help, support take care.
Comment from hvysmker
Madeline is anxiously sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for some news about Katelyn. It's been over two hours and no one has told her a thing.
Glancing around, she notices tan chairs lined against the walls. In the center is a set of chairs enclosing an elongated table. To her left, she sees a kitchen area supplying basic essentials. Off of that is a smaller room, furnished with a similar style table and chairs.
*** Only my opinion, Misty, but that seems more like a home kitchen and dining rooms than a hospital lobby to me? Now, I can see it in a small-town clinic or if the doctor practices in his home, but I can't recall you implying either. Not even a desk with receptionist?
She's an older woman with short, white hair, and large thick-rimmed glasses.
*** Definitely lose those commas.
"I'm so glad you're here," Madeline cries, wrapping her arms around Katie, she begins to cry.
*** Two sentences. Split after "cries".
"It's alright, mom, she's a strong woman,
*** Mom
Turning her head towards her Sister, Katelyn screams. "Get out of here, Katie!"
*** Having read a little about that family, I was waiting for something to explode.
but he was so angry at his wife, that his joyful ceremony quickly turned sour.
*** I'd lose that comma?
So they're still going at it, at least a couple of intrigues going at the same time.
Good addition, Mistydawn.
Charlie
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Madeline is anxiously sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for some news about Katelyn. It's been over two hours and no one has told her a thing.
Glancing around, she notices tan chairs lined against the walls. In the center is a set of chairs enclosing an elongated table. To her left, she sees a kitchen area supplying basic essentials. Off of that is a smaller room, furnished with a similar style table and chairs.
*** Only my opinion, Misty, but that seems more like a home kitchen and dining rooms than a hospital lobby to me? Now, I can see it in a small-town clinic or if the doctor practices in his home, but I can't recall you implying either. Not even a desk with receptionist?
She's an older woman with short, white hair, and large thick-rimmed glasses.
*** Definitely lose those commas.
"I'm so glad you're here," Madeline cries, wrapping her arms around Katie, she begins to cry.
*** Two sentences. Split after "cries".
"It's alright, mom, she's a strong woman,
*** Mom
Turning her head towards her Sister, Katelyn screams. "Get out of here, Katie!"
*** Having read a little about that family, I was waiting for something to explode.
but he was so angry at his wife, that his joyful ceremony quickly turned sour.
*** I'd lose that comma?
So they're still going at it, at least a couple of intrigues going at the same time.
Good addition, Mistydawn.
Charlie
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review and all your helpful suggestions. Actually, the ICU In Springfield is set up that way. The chairs pull out into cot type beds and the kitchen has some supplies. Wait I said lobby, and she wouldn't be in the ICU yet, have to fix that. Thanks for catching that.
I did fix the rest.
Thanks again for all your help it's always appreciated, take care.
Oh, I added something to my bucket list today, visit St. Elmo I think I've fallen in love.
Comment from Natali Holden
You have developed your characters nicely. I am so worried about Katelyn. I really hope she doesn't die. But I also hope Katie isn't hurt, although I thought she didn't like her sister?
"A few minutes later a nurse steps into the room. Her (manors) and appearance display exemplary professionalism." Should be manners
"'You (was) asking about your daughter, Katelyn?'" Is this supposed to be were?
I enjoyed! Keep up the wonderful work!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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You have developed your characters nicely. I am so worried about Katelyn. I really hope she doesn't die. But I also hope Katie isn't hurt, although I thought she didn't like her sister?
"A few minutes later a nurse steps into the room. Her (manors) and appearance display exemplary professionalism." Should be manners
"'You (was) asking about your daughter, Katelyn?'" Is this supposed to be were?
I enjoyed! Keep up the wonderful work!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review. Your right it should be were must have been changing the other mistake as you were typing I'll go back make sure it's correct thanks for catching that.
Katie, Katelyn use to love each other, but Stan showed a lot of favoritism towards Katie, pushing Katelyn aside this led to a lot of resentment. The last time they were together 10 years ago, the two got into a terrible fight and that's why Katelyn ended up in prison.
Thanks again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from royowen
I'm amazed how complicated people are, they find it impossible to forgive others their weaknesses, while having their own on full display. Whatever happened to unconditional Love! I guess it's a rare commodity on Earth. Beautifully written and raising that from me, shows this as a good sign that this episode was a goodie, I'm wondering at the reaction of Katelyn's reaction to Katie. Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo Her (manors) and appearance...manners? Let's go see(,) sis.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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I'm amazed how complicated people are, they find it impossible to forgive others their weaknesses, while having their own on full display. Whatever happened to unconditional Love! I guess it's a rare commodity on Earth. Beautifully written and raising that from me, shows this as a good sign that this episode was a goodie, I'm wondering at the reaction of Katelyn's reaction to Katie. Well done, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Typo Her (manors) and appearance...manners? Let's go see(,) sis.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017
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Thank you for such a nice review, I will fix the typo right away. Katelyn blames Katie for being locked away, for being disowned. Katelyn did beat her up pretty bad but Katie should take some blame. She did torment her said mean hateful, hurtful things to her.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
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Well done
