Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Taking the Fall"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from Natali Holden
You are definitely a talented novelist. This just keeps getting better and more hooking.
"Gina sees red and blue lights barreling down the road when she looks into her mirror. "Run," Gina scream(s), peeling away."
Enjoyed! Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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You are definitely a talented novelist. This just keeps getting better and more hooking.
"Gina sees red and blue lights barreling down the road when she looks into her mirror. "Run," Gina scream(s), peeling away."
Enjoyed! Keep up the good work!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 14-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and your encouraging words. "I'm so glad you like my story. Hearing wonderful praises like that means a lot to a writer.
Thank you again for your great review and your continuous support. it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from apky
Really exceptional writing here, my friend.
I may have missed one or two chapters because yoiu now have the police into this. And I seem to recall it's the same police force you used for your other story. I may be wrong. In any case I need to go back in order to catch up. Last time I read, Katelyn was getting out of the bad person who kept on sexually abusing her in his cellar or something.
"Run," Gina scream(s), peeling away.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Really exceptional writing here, my friend.
I may have missed one or two chapters because yoiu now have the police into this. And I seem to recall it's the same police force you used for your other story. I may be wrong. In any case I need to go back in order to catch up. Last time I read, Katelyn was getting out of the bad person who kept on sexually abusing her in his cellar or something.
"Run," Gina scream(s), peeling away.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review and your six stars. I didn't expect it so thank you so much.
You're right I've used the police force before, several times actually, Rachel and Joe are two of my favorite characters. Although, Rachel can be a sarcastic PIA sometimes.
To catch you up. Katelyn takes a job selling drugs for Carlos, he even found her a place to stay. When she's collecting her things the cops raid the halfway house. She and Gina flee. They pull up to where Katelyn stays and they see police tape strung across the yard, so they head to Gina's. In the meantime, the police try to bust Carlos but someone tries to kill him when they're there. That leads to this chapter.
Thank you again for all your reviews and support it means a great deal to me, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Lots of nice, juicy action in this section.
There's a nerve-racking break - I think it may be nerve-wracking here.
"Backup is on the way." The dispatcher responds - the, following speech marks are lower case.
popular with the Big Bubba's - no apostrophe necessary here.
"Woods, stay with Carlos everyone else - insert a comma following Carlos.
situations like this doesn't happen often - don't happen.
officers in prosecute." - I think this is supposed to be pursuit.
"Run," Gina scream - screams.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Lots of nice, juicy action in this section.
There's a nerve-racking break - I think it may be nerve-wracking here.
"Backup is on the way." The dispatcher responds - the, following speech marks are lower case.
popular with the Big Bubba's - no apostrophe necessary here.
"Woods, stay with Carlos everyone else - insert a comma following Carlos.
situations like this doesn't happen often - don't happen.
officers in prosecute." - I think this is supposed to be pursuit.
"Run," Gina scream - screams.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your generous review, I'm so glad you enjoyed the action. It was a lot of fun to write, an action junkie without getting my butt out of the chair.
Thanks again for your great review, and all of your help, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting chapter, well written. Deserving of six stars. :)
She drove away and left Katelyn to the cops. Some friend that is! Katelyn really is innocent, right? I can't keep track from one chapter to the next, since there are so many books to follow.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Exciting chapter, well written. Deserving of six stars. :)
She drove away and left Katelyn to the cops. Some friend that is! Katelyn really is innocent, right? I can't keep track from one chapter to the next, since there are so many books to follow.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your fantastic review and the six stars. I wasn't expecting that, thank you so much.
Katelyn innocent, well define innocent, lol. She doesn't know anything about Carlos' business but she was selling drugs in the park. In her defense, it was out of necessity, she couldn't get hired at a legal job, lack of experience, jail record, being declared mentally ill.
Thanks again for your great review and all your support, take care.
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You can't blame her for doing the only thing she can to survive. For someone who is mentally ill, she manages well.
Comment from GracieAnn
Mistydawn,
This installment hits the ground running, so to speak. It expresses well the urgency of the situation with strong word choice and dialogue. Nicely done. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Mistydawn,
This installment hits the ground running, so to speak. It expresses well the urgency of the situation with strong word choice and dialogue. Nicely done. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 13-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review and your encouraging words. I wanted to something a little different this time, bring in more action, less dialogue. I wanted to make the reader feel like they're watching a movie.
Thanks again for your nice review, and all your kind words, take care.
Comment from poetwatch
I read this one first. It is very good and should be a good chapter. I have to ask. Are you a police officer or a police officer's wife? You write as if you are going through the building in search of criminals. Please forgive me if I'm invading your privacy. You don't have to answer, it that you are a good writer. Thank you for this read.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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I read this one first. It is very good and should be a good chapter. I have to ask. Are you a police officer or a police officer's wife? You write as if you are going through the building in search of criminals. Please forgive me if I'm invading your privacy. You don't have to answer, it that you are a good writer. Thank you for this read.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review. I'm neither a police officer or a police officers wife, and I'm terrified of guns. Watching someone load unload on youtube makes me flinch. Wanna know my secret? I watch a lot of Law and order, Chicago Pd. I hope one day Dick Wolf, the director of those shows will turn one of my stories into a movie.
Thanks again for your nice review, take care.
Comment from brenda faye curtis
This chapter has great action and a quick pace to match, but I did have a little trouble visualizing the people in the story. I know not everyone needs it, but I need more physical description of the characters to help me get involved in the story. I can see you have a lot of experience writing police dramas, and I'm glad you're developing your dreams. Best of luck to you!
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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This chapter has great action and a quick pace to match, but I did have a little trouble visualizing the people in the story. I know not everyone needs it, but I need more physical description of the characters to help me get involved in the story. I can see you have a lot of experience writing police dramas, and I'm glad you're developing your dreams. Best of luck to you!
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your fair review. Description has never been my strong suit, this chapter having very minimal amounts. Thank you for your helpful suggestion, I will continue to work on it.
Thank you for reviewing my work, I do hope you enjoyed the story a little, take care.
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Yes, I did enjoy your action-packed story, Mistydawn, and I'm sorry I did not convey that in my review. You're welcome. All my best to you.
Comment from hvysmker
A slew of bullets whiz just above their heads.
*** I wouldn't use "slew", or "whiz". Makes me think of Batman. Put your mind to the occasion. What would you see, hear, or feel? "They lay in abject fear as a string of lead pellets slam across the room to thud into a wall. Plaster dust and sharp slivers of wood fill the room, enhanced by shattering of lamps and other formerly inert objects." Form an image for the reader. Not one of Batman fighting a swarm of bees.
Maybe the captain should have instructed the two outside to seal off the other building by watching the ground floor doors?
"Not on my watch, it doesn't," he says, locking his clip in place.
*** I may be behind the times, but I don't think clips are used anymore in firearms.'
Clip, something to hold cartridges temporarily.
Magazine, the part of a firearm holding cartridges ready to fire. Sometimes clips are used to fill a magazine. A magazine containing cartridges is inserted into the handle of a pistol. Sometimes a clip of cartridges is inserted, whole, into a revolver, called a speed-loader. Easier than inserting each cartridge singly into the chambers. The last clip I used was a strip-clip used in the old M1 rifle. I'd insert one end into the chamber of the rifle and, using my thumb, shove the entire thing, clip and cartridges, into the rifle's chamber.
Living in a small community, situations like this doesn't happen
*** don't
The team had just made it behind the apartment's dumpsters
*** have. Change of tense.
"On the ground now," Kirk yells.
*** Comma after "ground".
Good chapter, advances the story.
Charlie
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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A slew of bullets whiz just above their heads.
*** I wouldn't use "slew", or "whiz". Makes me think of Batman. Put your mind to the occasion. What would you see, hear, or feel? "They lay in abject fear as a string of lead pellets slam across the room to thud into a wall. Plaster dust and sharp slivers of wood fill the room, enhanced by shattering of lamps and other formerly inert objects." Form an image for the reader. Not one of Batman fighting a swarm of bees.
Maybe the captain should have instructed the two outside to seal off the other building by watching the ground floor doors?
"Not on my watch, it doesn't," he says, locking his clip in place.
*** I may be behind the times, but I don't think clips are used anymore in firearms.'
Clip, something to hold cartridges temporarily.
Magazine, the part of a firearm holding cartridges ready to fire. Sometimes clips are used to fill a magazine. A magazine containing cartridges is inserted into the handle of a pistol. Sometimes a clip of cartridges is inserted, whole, into a revolver, called a speed-loader. Easier than inserting each cartridge singly into the chambers. The last clip I used was a strip-clip used in the old M1 rifle. I'd insert one end into the chamber of the rifle and, using my thumb, shove the entire thing, clip and cartridges, into the rifle's chamber.
Living in a small community, situations like this doesn't happen
*** don't
The team had just made it behind the apartment's dumpsters
*** have. Change of tense.
"On the ground now," Kirk yells.
*** Comma after "ground".
Good chapter, advances the story.
Charlie
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your review. The clip thing was because I was being lazy didn't do my research. You'll be happy to know no now how to load, unload a revolver, load a magazine with bullets and put a magazine in a 9mm. courtesy of Youtube. The other about more description, I'm working on that, but this is what I have so far what do you think?
Seeing a small red beam piercing through the darkness, the team drops to the ground. A round of bullets flies just above their heads. The frightened team scrambles for cover as slivers of glass covers the dusty wood floor.
"Shots fired, shots fired, be advised shooter's location is unknown. Shooter's location is unknown," Jerry anxiously yells into his radio.
The rain of bullets stops as quickly as it began.
Looking over, Joe sees a few of crew nervously standing back up. ?Stay down, stay down,? he orders, motioning them to the floor. He anxiously glances towards the shattered glass, waiting for the next round. A horrifying thought runs through the captain's head, he quickly reaches for his radio. "Jameson, Lewinski, can you read me?"
I fixed the other errors and changed clip to Magazine.
Thank you for all of your help and support I really do appreciate it.
I have a question, something I've been thinking about for awhile. As you can see I have a heck of a time with descriptions. I can picture it in my head, but getting it down seems almost impossible. So I was thinking I should try script writing. What's your opinion?
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A round is one bullet, not many.
Charlie
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Really? Ok, so is there a term for emptying the magazine?
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If you mean by shooting it, one word word be a "burst". A burst of gunfire? A burst of rapid gunfire ripped across the room, tearing everything in its path to shreds.
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Charlie, guess what, I started class today. Our first assignment is to make a play out of a classic. I'm doing it on the tell-tale heart.
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A class on writing plays?
I never heard of "Tell-Tale Heart". but, then, I haven't read many classics.
Charlie
