Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Takedown"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
10 total reviews
Comment from poetwatch
Misty, has it ever Dawned on you that your dreams are being read and appraised for their content and beauty? You have accomplished what I hope one day to. This is a wonderful story. (I read the one before and the one after this one before I read this one.) You have a good chapter for "Demons in my Head" Thank you for this read.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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Misty, has it ever Dawned on you that your dreams are being read and appraised for their content and beauty? You have accomplished what I hope one day to. This is a wonderful story. (I read the one before and the one after this one before I read this one.) You have a good chapter for "Demons in my Head" Thank you for this read.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your kind, heartwarming review. I never thought about it like that, but your right. You say you want to write a story, so what's holding you back, stopping you from achieving your goal? You don't have to do it full time, a few hours a week, a month even. Every word you write is a step closer to your dream.
Take it from someone who knows, no one is promised tomorrow, so you keep putting it off, one day it might be too late. Not lecturing, just saying.
Thank you for your wonderful review and continues support, take care.
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I posted one and it's a start. All I need is someone to review and point out my mistakes. That is the way to learn.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
You lost me with Carlos and Antonio etc. I don't have any idea what's going on. Suddenly this is not about Katelyn any more but about a murder? I think I read too much and get everything all mixed up. Sorry.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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You lost me with Carlos and Antonio etc. I don't have any idea what's going on. Suddenly this is not about Katelyn any more but about a murder? I think I read too much and get everything all mixed up. Sorry.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your review but I'm sorry your so confused. Hopefully, this will help clear it up.
Katelyn is trying to get a job but failing, Carlos her old friend offers her a job selling drugs, which she hesitantly takes. He's also found her a place to stay, the Carbones.
Katelyn is getting her stuff when the cops raid the halfway house she'd been staying at. Katelyn flees with Gina another one of Carlos' employees. When they pull up to Katelyn's new residence the Carbones, they see police and take off. The Carbones was shot in there home.
Antonio is the cops informant, he lives by the Carbones. He tells the sergeant Rachel what he knows, about the Carbones shooting who tells Kirk a detective.
Meanwhile, the PD is doing a bust on Carlos, Katelyn's new employer. During the bust, someone tries to kill Carlos.
Unaware of what's going on, Katelyn and Gina are headed to Gina's house.
Madeline, Katelyn's mom is happy because she sold all her paintings.
Now I've written this I can understand why you are confused. I have a lot of different things going on. If this doesn't help or you have more questions please ask.
Thank you for your continuous support, it means a lot to me, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
A whole lot of excitement going on in this chapter, and it sounds like the writer knows quite a bit about what she is writing. Not that I would know for sure myself. LOL! Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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A whole lot of excitement going on in this chapter, and it sounds like the writer knows quite a bit about what she is writing. Not that I would know for sure myself. LOL! Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your fantastic review. A six-star, I'm shocked, honored and very grateful. None of this is from personal experience, no my brush with the law was unpaid traffic tickets which became a warrant for failure to appear and the check thing. I did watch a Swat team in real life once, they were busting the house next door.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and all your support, they're always greatly appreciated, take care.
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Just to let you know Greenbay beat Dallas Sunday. Goooo Packers!
Comment from giraffmang
Some good developments here
Few things I noticed-
"What happened to Carlo's?"- Carlos?
I Hope Mariela can find something - hope.
Maybe they bought them out of pity." - need opening speech marks here.
Seeing his crew nod he continues, "suit up and let's go guys." - Suit.
His wife Mariela took one in the chest. - need closing speech marks here.
I lock your ass up for hindering prosecution - maybe it should be investigation here rather than prosecution?
The guy shakes his head. "Yes, fine." - should he not nod his head?
"I meant what I said. Shoving him again, she steps outside. - need closing speech marks after said.
Smiling, she continues, "he gave me his name, and address." - dialogue should start with a capital here.
"Berryville PD, come out with your hands up, - need closing speech marks here.
"Pull up your pants, Carlos?"- felt more like a directive than a question here.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Some good developments here
Few things I noticed-
"What happened to Carlo's?"- Carlos?
I Hope Mariela can find something - hope.
Maybe they bought them out of pity." - need opening speech marks here.
Seeing his crew nod he continues, "suit up and let's go guys." - Suit.
His wife Mariela took one in the chest. - need closing speech marks here.
I lock your ass up for hindering prosecution - maybe it should be investigation here rather than prosecution?
The guy shakes his head. "Yes, fine." - should he not nod his head?
"I meant what I said. Shoving him again, she steps outside. - need closing speech marks after said.
Smiling, she continues, "he gave me his name, and address." - dialogue should start with a capital here.
"Berryville PD, come out with your hands up, - need closing speech marks here.
"Pull up your pants, Carlos?"- felt more like a directive than a question here.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thank you for taking the time to review and critique my work. I do appreciate all the help you give me. I have a question about one thing. Seeing his crew nod he continues, "suit up and let's go guys." - Suit.
I thought because of the comma suit would be lower case. So if it's capitalized would that be a period at the end of continues and not a comma?
I appreciate all the time and effort you spend helping me, take care.
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It is a capital in this instance because it the start of a new piece of dialogue. It doesn't matter if the dialogue comes mid sentence, it should always start with a capital unless the previous sentence isn't closed off. :)
Comment from apky
Hullo Friend,
I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Hullo Friend,
I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Dear friend
I appreciate you taking the time to write when so much is going on in your life and do hope your friend has a speedy recovery. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family during this trying time. While you're attending to all of the business, remember to take care of yourself too, take care.
Comment from Sherman541
Great Story !! Keeps you wanting to read more and know more. Feels like watching a show/movie and that you are right there. Great Job !!
Sarah
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Great Story !! Keeps you wanting to read more and know more. Feels like watching a show/movie and that you are right there. Great Job !!
Sarah
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for such a fantastic review, and a six star at that, I am so honored. I'm glad you liked you enjoyed my work that it drew you in. Reviews like yours make it all worthwhile.
Thank you again for such an outstanding review, and your kind words, you definitely made my week, week heck you made my month, take care.
Comment from Possummagic
This is a great story. Fast moving pace. Great story lines. It's well structured and flows nicely. Just one typo.
you." The man protests as he's being drug towards the sergeant. ( I think you mean dragged) well written. PM
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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This is a great story. Fast moving pace. Great story lines. It's well structured and flows nicely. Just one typo.
you." The man protests as he's being drug towards the sergeant. ( I think you mean dragged) well written. PM
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and your continued support. Your absolutely right that should have been dragged. Thanks for catching that, I'll go back and change it now.
Thank you again for all your reviews it always means a lot to me, take care.
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You are so welcome. It goes both ways. Have a great day what ever side of the world you are on. PM
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I'm in the US in the small state of Missouri.
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Ok, so we are awake at different times! Lol
Comment from royowen
A most unlikable chap is Stan, I think he deserves retribution heaped on him. Madeleine has done well, selling her paintings. I wonder if there is a connection between Katelyn and Gina, and the double murder. A lot going on here, too much for my prior knowledge of the plot. Well done, good writing, blessings, Roy
Typo : as he's being (drug) towards the sargeant. Dragged? 2: Carlo(')s? (Various places) Carlos?
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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A most unlikable chap is Stan, I think he deserves retribution heaped on him. Madeleine has done well, selling her paintings. I wonder if there is a connection between Katelyn and Gina, and the double murder. A lot going on here, too much for my prior knowledge of the plot. Well done, good writing, blessings, Roy
Typo : as he's being (drug) towards the sargeant. Dragged? 2: Carlo(')s? (Various places) Carlos?
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your lovely review. No, Neither woman had anything to do with the murder, it was a war between drug dealers.
Thanks again for your nice review and continues support, take care.
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Most welcome
Comment from hvysmker
She then thinks about the list of people who wants her to paint for them.
*** want
"I'd be wise if you stay away too, at least until we figure out what's going on.
*** It'd ? stayed
"Captain, that was dispatch there's been a shooting at the Carbone's,
*** I'd split that sentence after "dispatch"?
"I didn't see anything I tell you."
*** Badly needs a comma after "anything". As is, it sounds like he admits to being a liar.
*** I'd drop the last phrase?
"Thanks, Jeff." Rachel waits until Jeff leaves before she begins. "Ok, Antonio, spill it," she orders.
A few seconds later, Joe and his crew burst through Carlos' door.
*** Carlos's Single possessive.
Looks like a lot'a killin' goin' on. The cops should'a left him standing there with his pants down, a good target.
Charlie
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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She then thinks about the list of people who wants her to paint for them.
*** want
"I'd be wise if you stay away too, at least until we figure out what's going on.
*** It'd ? stayed
"Captain, that was dispatch there's been a shooting at the Carbone's,
*** I'd split that sentence after "dispatch"?
"I didn't see anything I tell you."
*** Badly needs a comma after "anything". As is, it sounds like he admits to being a liar.
*** I'd drop the last phrase?
"Thanks, Jeff." Rachel waits until Jeff leaves before she begins. "Ok, Antonio, spill it," she orders.
A few seconds later, Joe and his crew burst through Carlos' door.
*** Carlos's Single possessive.
Looks like a lot'a killin' goin' on. The cops should'a left him standing there with his pants down, a good target.
Charlie
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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About the time I think something is good you find a dozen mistakes, that's what I get for thinking, huh. Seriously I do appreciate all your help and support it really means a lot to me, and will be forever grateful for all your help, suggestions.
Did you notice not one start and my the's decreased a little? See I do take your suggestions seriously and try to improve.
Thank you, Charlie, for taking the time to help me, I really do appreciate it, take care.
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Others on another, now defunct, site helped me the same way.
I don't remember if I told you, but my first site was called "Toasted Cheese" that was started by college students taking creative writing classes.
At first they helped me. Later, they stopped because I didn't always take their advice, especially with dialogue.
I'm a logical person and wanted use a logical process in learning, not starting out "whole hog" with everything at once.
For instance I started with taking a couple of weeks to learn grammar. My plan was:
1. Can I write something that someone else will read.
2. Sentence structure.
3. Dialogue.
4. Research.
They wanted me to do it all at once. After two of the Admins told me they wouldn't critique me anymore, I quit.
At that point I almost gave up, but found another smaller site where the members let me do it my way.
Later on, I ended up owning that site but gave it up to write. Even later, I ended up one of the Admins on a larger site, quitting after an argument with the owner.
Oh, and I did return to Toasted Cheese long enough to make second place on a contest and earn real money. Then I quit it again.
I might have quit after the first if nobody had crited me like I do you and a couple of others. Over the years here I've spent a lot of time with four or five other members.
Charlie
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No, you didn't tell me that. Toasted cheese catchy name. I bet it felt good coming back and winning that contest, a rub it in their face moment. I'm glad you didn't give up, your a very talented writer with one heck of an imagination. Not getting your work out there would be a disservice to the world. It sounds like you have a lot of experience running sites like these. Have you thought about becoming an administrator again, or maybe having your own website, youtube channel of helpful writing tips? Oscar Rat could be your mascot, put his picture at the top of the page. Do it in his voice, his POV minus the cuss words, of course.
I really do appreciate all the help you give me maybe when I improve enough I can help others. I do help a little, what I see but I'm sure there's a lot a miss.
Need to get working on the next chapter, hope you have a great day, take care.
Thought of a funny story. My dogs hate baths, so when I want privacy I'll say who wants a bath? They'll take off down the hall.
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Running a writing site takes a lot of time, which is why I quit and turned it over to another guy who eventually let it lapse. I just checked and it?s wiped out. Oscar Rat does have a site, though, and it?s still there:
Write like a Rat http://writelikearat.blogspot.com/?zx=479f92de1dfecfac
I?m supposed to be the only human allowed, but he never checks it anymore. You should be safe.
Charlie
Comment from Cybertron1986
This is well designed chapter. The transition of scenes was quite unique, but it worked. You showed strong command of grammar which supplemented an interesting and appealing story line. I, however, got caught up in a few extra words that I felt could have been deleted to streamline your story, and still be able to adhere to the comprehensible nature of your writing style. Overall, a strong five.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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This is well designed chapter. The transition of scenes was quite unique, but it worked. You showed strong command of grammar which supplemented an interesting and appealing story line. I, however, got caught up in a few extra words that I felt could have been deleted to streamline your story, and still be able to adhere to the comprehensible nature of your writing style. Overall, a strong five.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Thank you for such a wonderful review, and your encouraging words. I will go back and edit again, try to delete unnecessary words.
Thank you again for your kind review and helpful suggestion, take care.
