My brother's girlfriend
A tale of jealousy5 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I needed some humor and enjoyed your interpretation of the prompt. Your double entendre with cupid's-arrow rise tickled me. I liked your rhymed quatrains, and your punchline cracked me up! Still chortling- Joan
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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I needed some humor and enjoyed your interpretation of the prompt. Your double entendre with cupid's-arrow rise tickled me. I liked your rhymed quatrains, and your punchline cracked me up! Still chortling- Joan
Comment Written 18-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much Joan
Mitchell
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Hahaha . Love this fun, little bit raunchy poem, Mitchell. You made me laugh! 92 and still frisky ... and why not?! I say go for it!
"She has a certain 'je ne sais quoi' ... my fave line. Yes ... she has youth. :) This is a well written, clever little gem, filled with humor and a sad bit of truth about not being young enough to do the thing one wants to do. Terrific imagery is created for your reader.
If I had a sixer left, it would be yours for this spunky write. I was reminded of that old Rick Springfield song 'Jessie's Girl' when I read this. Great job, Mitchell! ~~ Connie
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Hahaha . Love this fun, little bit raunchy poem, Mitchell. You made me laugh! 92 and still frisky ... and why not?! I say go for it!
"She has a certain 'je ne sais quoi' ... my fave line. Yes ... she has youth. :) This is a well written, clever little gem, filled with humor and a sad bit of truth about not being young enough to do the thing one wants to do. Terrific imagery is created for your reader.
If I had a sixer left, it would be yours for this spunky write. I was reminded of that old Rick Springfield song 'Jessie's Girl' when I read this. Great job, Mitchell! ~~ Connie
Comment Written 13-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Aww thanks Connie, as you know I'm well out my comfort zone writing rhyming poetry, just thought I'd dip my toe in the water.
Cheered me up, this has.
Mitchell
Comment from BeasPeas
This is an amusing poem. Sometimes age matters and sometimes it doesn't. Good rhyming throughout as this ninety-two year old admires his brother's twenty-three year old girlfriend. Much luck in the jealousy contest. Marilyn
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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This is an amusing poem. Sometimes age matters and sometimes it doesn't. Good rhyming throughout as this ninety-two year old admires his brother's twenty-three year old girlfriend. Much luck in the jealousy contest. Marilyn
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Thank you Marilyn
Comment from JennaG
I loved your take on this topic! Usually the entries for this contest are so somber and serious. This one was creative, clever, and fun! I definitely didn't see that ending coming. It brought me a good chuckle! Best of luck to you in the contest. This is a great entry! :)
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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I loved your take on this topic! Usually the entries for this contest are so somber and serious. This one was creative, clever, and fun! I definitely didn't see that ending coming. It brought me a good chuckle! Best of luck to you in the contest. This is a great entry! :)
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Thank you Jenna
Comment from kiwisteveh
Cute poem and the punchline adds plenty of extra humour - and of course it's unexpected. The meter is a little uneven in places, but it flows well enough and the rhyme helps hold it together.
The only real query I have is the choice of the word 'delve' - usual meaning ' to reach inside (something like a pocket) or to dig' Neither of those seem likely here so it appears this is a forced rhyme to go with your 'twelve' punchline. Of course you could have made your narrator almost any young age and come up with a different rhyme.
Just for fun, I've fiddled with your last verse. See what you think of these options. BTW I would lose both 'But' and 'nearly' for smoother flow.
I want to lose this jealousy,
it really would be heaven.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am just eleven! (or 'only seven!')
I want to lose this jealousy
although my love is keen.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am just thirteen!
I want to lose this jealousy
I'd feel much better then.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am only ten.
I want to lose this jealousy;
it's got me feeling blue.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am ninety-two!
I rather like that last one!
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Cute poem and the punchline adds plenty of extra humour - and of course it's unexpected. The meter is a little uneven in places, but it flows well enough and the rhyme helps hold it together.
The only real query I have is the choice of the word 'delve' - usual meaning ' to reach inside (something like a pocket) or to dig' Neither of those seem likely here so it appears this is a forced rhyme to go with your 'twelve' punchline. Of course you could have made your narrator almost any young age and come up with a different rhyme.
Just for fun, I've fiddled with your last verse. See what you think of these options. BTW I would lose both 'But' and 'nearly' for smoother flow.
I want to lose this jealousy,
it really would be heaven.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am just eleven! (or 'only seven!')
I want to lose this jealousy
although my love is keen.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am just thirteen!
I want to lose this jealousy
I'd feel much better then.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am only ten.
I want to lose this jealousy;
it's got me feeling blue.
The thing is this, she's twenty three
and I am ninety-two!
I rather like that last one!
Steve
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Agreed Steve, I don't normally write this form of poetry so your help was more than appreciated.......gone with ninety two....excellent.......thank you
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... and adds even a little more surprise to the punchline, I suspect. Thanks for the reviewing vote!
