Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Class of 71"Fiction and non-fiction prose
18 total reviews
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Congratulations! I have just read your flash fiction. Very well written and a good read. Very satisfying ending - good to see Jeff get his 'comeuppance' - Dorothy
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2017
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Congratulations! I have just read your flash fiction. Very well written and a good read. Very satisfying ending - good to see Jeff get his 'comeuppance' - Dorothy
Comment Written 15-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2017
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Thanks very much for the kind comments - Craig
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
This is most worthy of six stars, Craig, but I only have fives left. What a great entry for the contest this was! Deservedly it won! Congrats!
Karma can be a bitch, as came to light in this exceptionally well written story! Your story is a great commentary on bullying and what it can do to a person, as well as the repercussions it can have. You create vivid imagery for your reader, and the dialogue is very realistic. "But don't worry, you're not going to die -- not yet anyway" ... Carl is really enjoying torturing Enis and having his revenge.
Have a great day! ~~ Connie
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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This is most worthy of six stars, Craig, but I only have fives left. What a great entry for the contest this was! Deservedly it won! Congrats!
Karma can be a bitch, as came to light in this exceptionally well written story! Your story is a great commentary on bullying and what it can do to a person, as well as the repercussions it can have. You create vivid imagery for your reader, and the dialogue is very realistic. "But don't worry, you're not going to die -- not yet anyway" ... Carl is really enjoying torturing Enis and having his revenge.
Have a great day! ~~ Connie
Comment Written 13-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Thanks so much for the great comments, Connie. I think I was as shocked to win as Jeff was to find himself wrapped around a tree :) Enjoy your weekend! Craig
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 13-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2017
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Wow! This really is an honour. I'm very chuffed, thanks so much, committee!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sadly, although most didn't abuse us to the same degree, but most did verbally bash our efforts and maybe embarrass us. It makes me think back to Mr. Smith who started Federal Express. He was given a C- on his college thesis explaining the details of how he was going to start his shipping company. His professor said it was well written, but his poor grade resulted from the unrealistic possibly of his venture. Mr. Smith keeps that paper framed behind his office desk, and every Christmas he sends that teacher a card to keep it fresh in his memory. Thanks for sharing your fine story and good luck in the contest. :-)
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Sadly, although most didn't abuse us to the same degree, but most did verbally bash our efforts and maybe embarrass us. It makes me think back to Mr. Smith who started Federal Express. He was given a C- on his college thesis explaining the details of how he was going to start his shipping company. His professor said it was well written, but his poor grade resulted from the unrealistic possibly of his venture. Mr. Smith keeps that paper framed behind his office desk, and every Christmas he sends that teacher a card to keep it fresh in his memory. Thanks for sharing your fine story and good luck in the contest. :-)
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Good on Mr Smith! Thanks for the kind words, and for the good wishes. Craig
Comment from apky
Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thank you.
Comment from BeasPeas
A good entry into the contest. Carl finally has closure with Jeff Ennis. Ennis is one of the teachers who shouldn't be teaching. He hinders creativity rather than celebrating it. My favorite line is: "And no one marks my stories with red ink now." Marilyn
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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A good entry into the contest. Carl finally has closure with Jeff Ennis. Ennis is one of the teachers who shouldn't be teaching. He hinders creativity rather than celebrating it. My favorite line is: "And no one marks my stories with red ink now." Marilyn
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Thanks for the kind words Marilyn. I think there are far fewer really bad teachers today than there were when I went to school. I saw far worse than this. Much appreciated, Craig.
Comment from Gloria ....
Great job with this short sudden flash fiction. I haven't checked the rules so I am taking your word on it, that they've been adhered to in your case. My sense of this, in addition to the tone mingles with a few bits of clues, ie the well-used Stanley knife (which have many uses, and one would presume cutting brake lines might be one) and the name of the road Twisted Pine that Roberts had done the deed, caused the accident and had been plotting it for some time.
And now with the soon to be published story, Roberts will himself learn the circular harm caused by acting on long-simmering vengeance.
Great job and best wishes to you in the contest.
Gloria
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Great job with this short sudden flash fiction. I haven't checked the rules so I am taking your word on it, that they've been adhered to in your case. My sense of this, in addition to the tone mingles with a few bits of clues, ie the well-used Stanley knife (which have many uses, and one would presume cutting brake lines might be one) and the name of the road Twisted Pine that Roberts had done the deed, caused the accident and had been plotting it for some time.
And now with the soon to be published story, Roberts will himself learn the circular harm caused by acting on long-simmering vengeance.
Great job and best wishes to you in the contest.
Gloria
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Much appreciation for the wonderfully generous review, Gloria. I don't know for sure if Carl cut the brake lines, or perhaps he didn't, but wouldn't be in the slightest bit upset if Jeff thinks he did?
I suspect you're right, nothing good could come from Roberts' plan, could it?
Many thanks for the good wishes as well,
Craig
Comment from --Turtle.
You had me guessing through this one ... which way the dice would come up. I didn't know if Carl was going to be a kind ghost, or a vengeful ghost, or maybe Jeff's subconscious ... interacting with him in his stupor, or real flesh and blood... a stalker. A friend... I didn't know, and that was neat, slowly finding what would happen in the end. It kept my curiosity high.
One of the things that lingered in my thoughts after I read this was I didn't get what Carl repeated that made Jeff beat him ... with a stick, and get away with it. I'm going to read again, closer this time, to see if I can pick out more clues to the scene to get a rounder picture... what I came away with the first time through:
Jeff crashed his car, Carl shows up, somewhat non-chalantly. Carl's voice is suspiciously kind, and he speaks in an expository way. Part of it gives the impression he is speaking just to keep speaking (like someone might do to keep a barely concious person from slipping unconcious) part of it gives the impression that he is speaking for the sake of the reader gathering the backstory and motives for the current scene at hand, and part of it gives a creepy impression ... like one who needs to get these things off his chest and is listing the information to the captive audiance that is his once teacher.
the glow of the gibbous moon.
(eerie start, love the glow of gibbous, nice poetic imagery.)
akes more often, old buddy."
(his dialogue gives me an odd flag, though. Friendly, but too friendly, freely offering a lot of information not asked for, convenient because the reader doesn't know what is going on)
there and let me talk for a bit, while you catch your breath."
(here was where I was wondering if he was a ghost himself, following a friend, and having extra knowledge)
knife. Ennis's eyes grew wide as he struggled against the sash of his seat
(I noticed the changing Ennis's name... The start... Jeff Ennis, that's fine, then you use Ennis, then Jeff, then old man... I would change the 'Jeff followed' to Ennis followed, depending on if there was intent there or not. What Carl chooses to call Jeff can be different each time, but the narration, changing the name in narration changes the voice of the narrator, like it's moving into a different pov, and I'm not sure that is needed, or if a stable single omniscient pov voice would give the same scene effect)
belt, but his legs were wedged under the wheel. "What were you thinking when you walked to the classroom door, and locked it {with the key from the inside} (the with the key from the inside didn't feel like natural dialogue, it felt spoken for my sake a little bit)
Ennis winced between each one, a badly cracked rib making every breath difficult. (stubborn old guy, no apologies. Even in the jaws of potential death, he's still holding his line. Carl must have been one heck of a pain in the butt to him. I wonder if Carl was singled out, or if this Jeff teacher beat others too)
simply because I naively passed on a stupid remark of yours?"
(a little hazy on the motives here. I get the image of young kid does something to miff teacher, teacher crosses the line and hits kid, torments kid, kid is scared for life, but doesn't let it hold him down. I don't know if the extent of the beating is exaggerated or not, because Carl doesn't seem exactly of dependable sound mind. Gots a grudge though, he does. And even though Jeff does get scared, he doesn't exactly seem remorseful. ... even years later, for beating the kid. Yet he also seemed to know it was wrong, else he wouldn't have made sure nobody could see.)
As Roberts raised the knife and leaned across towards his ex-teacher, Jeff
(About here, I thought about POV again... the name changes in narrative. Carl becomes Roberts... Jeff becomes Ennis.... If the pov narrator is an omniscient voice, I wondered if the name in narrative needed to change. If the pov is hopping to different pov's or if it's a single pov who is all knowing. These are things I pondered over, I'm not saying it's wrong, just that I noticed it.)
one of my exercise books, and highlighted every single error you'd marked
(here, it seems Carl will make sure Jeff lives so that he can experience the shame and humiliation of being outed as an abusive shmuck.)
"Love to stay and chat more, but I've got a story to write. Goodnight, Jeff."
(so by here the story is clearer, though some questions are left lingering in my head. Jeff seems to have been a bad egg... and Carl, I figure he even could have been stalking Jeff, maybe. He seems off a bit to do something like that. Stalk an old teacher that may have abused him, as he's plotted to write an expose about it. Maybe he even had a hand in the teacher's accident. Maybe not. Doesn't matter, he shows up and friendly-like torments the man, only to accutally help the man out, only so Jeff can suffer later (plus because even though he's grudging... and got vengence in mind, he isn't a murder, and takes some high ground in the power over saving or harming another.)
Nice job with this story, I enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed pondering over it too.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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You had me guessing through this one ... which way the dice would come up. I didn't know if Carl was going to be a kind ghost, or a vengeful ghost, or maybe Jeff's subconscious ... interacting with him in his stupor, or real flesh and blood... a stalker. A friend... I didn't know, and that was neat, slowly finding what would happen in the end. It kept my curiosity high.
One of the things that lingered in my thoughts after I read this was I didn't get what Carl repeated that made Jeff beat him ... with a stick, and get away with it. I'm going to read again, closer this time, to see if I can pick out more clues to the scene to get a rounder picture... what I came away with the first time through:
Jeff crashed his car, Carl shows up, somewhat non-chalantly. Carl's voice is suspiciously kind, and he speaks in an expository way. Part of it gives the impression he is speaking just to keep speaking (like someone might do to keep a barely concious person from slipping unconcious) part of it gives the impression that he is speaking for the sake of the reader gathering the backstory and motives for the current scene at hand, and part of it gives a creepy impression ... like one who needs to get these things off his chest and is listing the information to the captive audiance that is his once teacher.
the glow of the gibbous moon.
(eerie start, love the glow of gibbous, nice poetic imagery.)
akes more often, old buddy."
(his dialogue gives me an odd flag, though. Friendly, but too friendly, freely offering a lot of information not asked for, convenient because the reader doesn't know what is going on)
there and let me talk for a bit, while you catch your breath."
(here was where I was wondering if he was a ghost himself, following a friend, and having extra knowledge)
knife. Ennis's eyes grew wide as he struggled against the sash of his seat
(I noticed the changing Ennis's name... The start... Jeff Ennis, that's fine, then you use Ennis, then Jeff, then old man... I would change the 'Jeff followed' to Ennis followed, depending on if there was intent there or not. What Carl chooses to call Jeff can be different each time, but the narration, changing the name in narration changes the voice of the narrator, like it's moving into a different pov, and I'm not sure that is needed, or if a stable single omniscient pov voice would give the same scene effect)
belt, but his legs were wedged under the wheel. "What were you thinking when you walked to the classroom door, and locked it {with the key from the inside} (the with the key from the inside didn't feel like natural dialogue, it felt spoken for my sake a little bit)
Ennis winced between each one, a badly cracked rib making every breath difficult. (stubborn old guy, no apologies. Even in the jaws of potential death, he's still holding his line. Carl must have been one heck of a pain in the butt to him. I wonder if Carl was singled out, or if this Jeff teacher beat others too)
simply because I naively passed on a stupid remark of yours?"
(a little hazy on the motives here. I get the image of young kid does something to miff teacher, teacher crosses the line and hits kid, torments kid, kid is scared for life, but doesn't let it hold him down. I don't know if the extent of the beating is exaggerated or not, because Carl doesn't seem exactly of dependable sound mind. Gots a grudge though, he does. And even though Jeff does get scared, he doesn't exactly seem remorseful. ... even years later, for beating the kid. Yet he also seemed to know it was wrong, else he wouldn't have made sure nobody could see.)
As Roberts raised the knife and leaned across towards his ex-teacher, Jeff
(About here, I thought about POV again... the name changes in narrative. Carl becomes Roberts... Jeff becomes Ennis.... If the pov narrator is an omniscient voice, I wondered if the name in narrative needed to change. If the pov is hopping to different pov's or if it's a single pov who is all knowing. These are things I pondered over, I'm not saying it's wrong, just that I noticed it.)
one of my exercise books, and highlighted every single error you'd marked
(here, it seems Carl will make sure Jeff lives so that he can experience the shame and humiliation of being outed as an abusive shmuck.)
"Love to stay and chat more, but I've got a story to write. Goodnight, Jeff."
(so by here the story is clearer, though some questions are left lingering in my head. Jeff seems to have been a bad egg... and Carl, I figure he even could have been stalking Jeff, maybe. He seems off a bit to do something like that. Stalk an old teacher that may have abused him, as he's plotted to write an expose about it. Maybe he even had a hand in the teacher's accident. Maybe not. Doesn't matter, he shows up and friendly-like torments the man, only to accutally help the man out, only so Jeff can suffer later (plus because even though he's grudging... and got vengence in mind, he isn't a murder, and takes some high ground in the power over saving or harming another.)
Nice job with this story, I enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed pondering over it too.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Hi Turtle,
You have outdone even your usual great efforts in trying to dissect what is going on and get to the heart of things, I thought I owed you some sort of explanation or response to some the your questions and comments :)
I have to admit, the kind ghost/vengeful ghost/subconscious ideas never even occurred to me - though any one of them would be great fun to play with.
There is so much more I would have written into the story given the choice to make it longer, unfortunately 750 words meant some bits were going to remain unsaid, and left for the reader to ponder. Like, for example, exactly what Carl said that caused Ennis to go off the deep end. To my mind though, knowing exactly what it was is not that important. The reader is told that it was a "stupid remark". What I had in my head is something that in itself was quite unimportant and trivial, but Ennis obviously felt threatened about the fact that Roberts had decided to share it - although Roberts was clearly (at least in my mind) blissfully unaware that doing so could cause harm. Maybe it was something like "boys are smarter than girls", or "English people never take baths". Something that could land him in hot water if it wasn't taken as having been said in jest. In any case, one of the key themes (not sure how well this came across) is that Roberts is seething with outrage at the injustice of being punished for doing nothing other than innocently repeating a joke or comment he heard. It's quite possible that he didn't really feel that way at the time the incident occurred - maybe he didn't even know why he was receiving that treatment. But as years went by, and possibly having kids of his own, the sore began to fester as he asked himself why torture a kid for being a kid - or something like that.
The almost-monologue nature of the conversation I view in two ways - both of which you picked up on. Firstly, there is the need to get both the current events and the backstory conveyed to the reader. Secondly, Roberts is revelling in the fact that this time, he has the upper hand. Given that he probably spent a long time being "talked at" by Ennis in his school days - it's now his turn.
As for the "overly friendly" tone of voice - yes, the impression I was trying to convey is that the relaxed, friendly, almost soothing tone of voice was not meant to be accepted on face value. Underneath was a tone of deep contempt, and it was meant to sound threatening, leading the reader to wonder what Carl has in mind,
As for changing the POV of the narrator, by using both first and last names to refer to both men - I have to admit, I'm no expert at this. I've written maybe a handful of these little flash fictions, and have never made a "study" of it, just gone with my instincts. My intention was to use both names so the reader becomes familiar with them, and perhaps it helps them to think of the character as more of a "whole person". But you aren't the first person to suggest sticking to their surnames (I presume after initially giving both). So maybe in future I'll do that. In these short stories, maybe that's easier for the reader to follow.
Was Carl singled out, or did others receive the same treatment? That's a really great question.
I really like that you suggested Carl doesn't seem of "dependable sound mind". He's clearly very pissed of with his former teacher, and a big part of the effect I was going for is "what is he going to do?" But what exactly is it he does that makes you think he might be unhinged? - I wanted to plant that possbility in the mind of the reader, but I'm curious how you were left with that impression.. In the end, of course, he does Ennis no harm, and actually offers a very small help (calling the ES, releasing the belt). Does he owe the man more than that?
As to whether Carl had a hand in the accident itself - that, indeed, was the first question I wanted to raise in the reader's mind. Funny thing is, even I don't know the answer to that. I'm inclined to think he probably didn't, but that he certainly wouldn't be overly bothered if Ennis thinks he did. I could be wrong though.
I think you last paragraph where you sum it all up shows that you pretty much got everything I was trying to convey - so well done on untangling all of that.
Sorry to be so long-winded; I just thought given your constant attention to detail in your reviews, and the obvious time and effort you put in, it might be nice to give some sort of answer to the questions you raised.
I really can't say how grateful I am for all your help, Turtle. But I'll try - thanks again :)
Craig
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Comment from Pearl Edwards
Great job Craig, love the story you tell mainly through Carl's dialogue and the fact that you didn't have him take revenge on this ex teacher, proving he was indeed the better person. Good luck in the contest,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Great job Craig, love the story you tell mainly through Carl's dialogue and the fact that you didn't have him take revenge on this ex teacher, proving he was indeed the better person. Good luck in the contest,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Thanks so much for the lovely review, Valda, and for the very generous rating. Much appreciated, glad you enjoyed the story :) Craig
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh I truly love it. The way you kept interest and wondering if he was going to kill him or what was going to happen. Very nnicely done and no problems noted.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Oh I truly love it. The way you kept interest and wondering if he was going to kill him or what was going to happen. Very nnicely done and no problems noted.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Thanks so much for the lovely comments, Barb. Glad you enjoyed it - Craig
