Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "One Step Forward"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
8 total reviews
Comment from Possummagic
This is a great, fast moving story. It is well structured and flows nicely. I couldn't pick up any spelling or grammatical errors. Your imagination is amazing. Well penned. PM
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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This is a great, fast moving story. It is well structured and flows nicely. I couldn't pick up any spelling or grammatical errors. Your imagination is amazing. Well penned. PM
Comment Written 06-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review and for having such interest that you'd bookmark my story. I'm so glad you're enjoying Katlyn's story.
Thank you again for your nice review, your sweet comments and all your support, They're always greatly appreciated, take care.
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You're so welcome Misty. PM
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Out the window! Quick thinking... and desperate. How did the cops know to raid the place? Someone tipped them off. I wonder who? Katelyn just can't get a break, poor thing.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2017
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Out the window! Quick thinking... and desperate. How did the cops know to raid the place? Someone tipped them off. I wonder who? Katelyn just can't get a break, poor thing.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. Katelyn has good intentions, but it never seems to work out no matter how hard she tries.
Thanks again for your great review and your support, they're always appreciated, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Katelyn is like so many foolish young people, always looking for the easiest way out. But in truth, there are no easy ways for anything. "So when you fool with crap, you get it on you," as the old saying goes. :-)
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Katelyn is like so many foolish young people, always looking for the easiest way out. But in truth, there are no easy ways for anything. "So when you fool with crap, you get it on you," as the old saying goes. :-)
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your words of wisdom. Unfortunately, she traded one bad situation for another yet again. This seems to be a pattern in her life.
Thanks again for your wonderful review and continues support, they are always greatly appreciated.
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Yes, it's sadly true, for Kaitlyn, and for all of us. We are creatures of our own environments, and most don't vary far from what we know. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood of good hard-working families. But for whatever reason, we had thirteen of the wildest boys ever put together. There are two of us still alive. Two killed themselves, seven others spent most of their lives in the pen. Two disappeared never to be heard from again. These were actually a pretty good much of boys, all but one. He was a born criminal, and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do. Ironically, he and I are the only two living. He ruined most of those other boy's lives, and many, many others. It's strange how things work out in life. A billionaire, I'm amazed how he can live with his conscience.
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When life doesn't seem fair that bad people get away with so much. I always remember that Carma comes back three-fold, one day they have to pay the piper. Took care of a lady in a nursing home once, she was an evil thing, frightening. My kids who adore older folks wouldn't step in her room, I was nervous, uneasy around her, didn't really understand why. She had a horrible, agonizing death, thrashing around in bed, yelling out people's names. Sobbing a lot of the time. A death I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. We later found out she practiced black magic most of her life. Things like that really make you stop and think.
Comment from apky
The story continues at an excellent pace and is so touching any reader can identify with it. I, as one of those readers, am already hooked and rooting for Madeline and Katelyn till I'm hoarse!
"I'm not hooking(delete-,) for you, Carlos."
"The fuzz is watching me real close so I need to get rid of as much product as I can.(add-") Seeing her hesitate, he decides to sweeten his deal. "I'll even split the profit with you fifty, fifty."
"You'll give me half(,) huh."
The housework can wait, and I'll get you back in plenty of time to make (the) asshole's supper.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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The story continues at an excellent pace and is so touching any reader can identify with it. I, as one of those readers, am already hooked and rooting for Madeline and Katelyn till I'm hoarse!
"I'm not hooking(delete-,) for you, Carlos."
"The fuzz is watching me real close so I need to get rid of as much product as I can.(add-") Seeing her hesitate, he decides to sweeten his deal. "I'll even split the profit with you fifty, fifty."
"You'll give me half(,) huh."
The housework can wait, and I'll get you back in plenty of time to make (the) asshole's supper.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your sweet encouraging comments and your wonderful review. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story, rooting for my characters. I believe you'll be pleasantly surprised by the end.
Thank you again for all of your help, encouraging words and continuous support it means a great deal to me take care.
Comment from giraffmang
I'm not hooking, for you - you don't need the comma here.
"I always did like that feistiness in you," Chuckling, he continues, "The fuzz is watching me - you asked me about this last time. Here the first piece of dialogue isn't closed off. By that I mean there is no end punctuation, meaning the sentence is not closed off. The tag of chuckling, he continues has a comma at the end with no full stop before the second piece of dialogue begins. This means that the second piece of dialogue is actually a continuation of the first piece - as in the same sentence therefore it should not start with a capital letter. As you have presented it here, it should read -
"I always did like that feistiness in you," chuckling, he continues, "the fuzz is watching me..."
However, grammatically it should probably read like this -
"I always did like that feistiness in you." Chuckling, he continues, "The fuzz is watching me.."
Above you can see that the first piece of dialogue is now closed off by the punctuation. Chuckling becomes the start of the second sentence, in which the second piece of dialogue is introduced.
If the dialogue sentence doesn't have a full stop/period and the subsequent tag doesn't, the next line of dialogue is a continuation of that sentence with no capital. You can insert a full stop before the closing speech marks or after the following tag to close it off as a sentence.
The fuzz is watching me real close so I need to get rid of as much product as I can. - need closing speech marks here.
hellhole can be one word.
That's not working out too well - need end punctuation here.
Telling me, I can't hold an intelligent - unnecessary comma.
"Where did I go wrong, oh, where did I go wrong," she bawls. - this needs a question mark.
She grabs ahold of his wrist - should be a hold, ahold isn't a word.
I think you may be trying to pack in too much to each instalment. It may be better to stay with the characters for a protracted period of time. It jumps around a lot for short bursts.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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I'm not hooking, for you - you don't need the comma here.
"I always did like that feistiness in you," Chuckling, he continues, "The fuzz is watching me - you asked me about this last time. Here the first piece of dialogue isn't closed off. By that I mean there is no end punctuation, meaning the sentence is not closed off. The tag of chuckling, he continues has a comma at the end with no full stop before the second piece of dialogue begins. This means that the second piece of dialogue is actually a continuation of the first piece - as in the same sentence therefore it should not start with a capital letter. As you have presented it here, it should read -
"I always did like that feistiness in you," chuckling, he continues, "the fuzz is watching me..."
However, grammatically it should probably read like this -
"I always did like that feistiness in you." Chuckling, he continues, "The fuzz is watching me.."
Above you can see that the first piece of dialogue is now closed off by the punctuation. Chuckling becomes the start of the second sentence, in which the second piece of dialogue is introduced.
If the dialogue sentence doesn't have a full stop/period and the subsequent tag doesn't, the next line of dialogue is a continuation of that sentence with no capital. You can insert a full stop before the closing speech marks or after the following tag to close it off as a sentence.
The fuzz is watching me real close so I need to get rid of as much product as I can. - need closing speech marks here.
hellhole can be one word.
That's not working out too well - need end punctuation here.
Telling me, I can't hold an intelligent - unnecessary comma.
"Where did I go wrong, oh, where did I go wrong," she bawls. - this needs a question mark.
She grabs ahold of his wrist - should be a hold, ahold isn't a word.
I think you may be trying to pack in too much to each instalment. It may be better to stay with the characters for a protracted period of time. It jumps around a lot for short bursts.
All the best
G
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for the clarification and the helpful review. Leave it to me to make something so easy, difficult and confusing. Give me something hard to do and I'll figure it out in a minute, give me something easy, and it'll take me hours. I Installed software on my pc no problem, but couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I later realize I didn't reconnect to the internet. Simple things get me every time.
Thank you again for your continuous help, It means a lot to me, take care.
I'll be more careful about head-hopping.
Comment from poetwatch
Very good story. Kateyln is in trouble, but then again so is Madeline if she doesn't make dinner. You got two main characters and you set the stage of life perfectly. You don't have to dream. You write like a pro. I'm wondering what will happen next? I guess I'll have to wait until the curtain rises. Thank you for sharing this story of life.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Very good story. Kateyln is in trouble, but then again so is Madeline if she doesn't make dinner. You got two main characters and you set the stage of life perfectly. You don't have to dream. You write like a pro. I'm wondering what will happen next? I guess I'll have to wait until the curtain rises. Thank you for sharing this story of life.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your great review. Katelyn traded one bad situation for another. Stuck between a rock and a hard place with limited choices it's easy to make bad decisions. Madeline, well she needs to tell Stan where to go.
Thank you again for your kind review, take care.
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You're welcome.
Comment from hvysmker
She thinks about what happened at the store.That's not working out too well
*** Need space.
Katelyn starts thinking about her agreement with Carlos as she's waiting for her first
*** Katelyn thinks about her agreement with Carlos as she waits for......
I could've had a great career too, but I gave it all up to please him.
*** here we go again.
"I've never been to one of them before."
"You're going to love it, Honey."
***
"Do you think you'll like living there?" Carlo's asks, pulling up to the halfway house.
*** I would expect leaving the halfway house would lead to incarceration?
Seems as though both Katelyn and Madeline are going back like before.
Charlie
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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She thinks about what happened at the store.That's not working out too well
*** Need space.
Katelyn starts thinking about her agreement with Carlos as she's waiting for her first
*** Katelyn thinks about her agreement with Carlos as she waits for......
I could've had a great career too, but I gave it all up to please him.
*** here we go again.
"I've never been to one of them before."
"You're going to love it, Honey."
***
"Do you think you'll like living there?" Carlo's asks, pulling up to the halfway house.
*** I would expect leaving the halfway house would lead to incarceration?
Seems as though both Katelyn and Madeline are going back like before.
Charlie
Comment Written 04-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. I tried so hard to keep start, started out this time and it still managed to slip in, Damn it. I do have a question you put down two sentences but did write why. "I've never been to one of them before." "You're going to love it, Honey."
The halfway house wasn't court ordered, she was released on state-level supervision. She only agreed to the halfway house because she didn't have anywhere else to go.
It's rained here for the last two days, got a lot cooler. Hope things have cooled down for you too, take care.
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I just forgot to delete those two sentences while editing. Don't mean nothing.
Comment from royowen
I wonder if Katelyne will escape the cops? Even though she wants to go straight she's caught between the deep blue sea, on the streets, or relative freedom selling drugs, she foolishly chooses drugs. Madeline has an arsehole husband who abuses her, her friend Marge offers her booth to Madeleine's paintings, and she sell them all, will Stan behave? Good scribing, opposite ends of town, good diverse plot and characters, well done, blessings,Roy
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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I wonder if Katelyne will escape the cops? Even though she wants to go straight she's caught between the deep blue sea, on the streets, or relative freedom selling drugs, she foolishly chooses drugs. Madeline has an arsehole husband who abuses her, her friend Marge offers her booth to Madeleine's paintings, and she sell them all, will Stan behave? Good scribing, opposite ends of town, good diverse plot and characters, well done, blessings,Roy
Comment Written 04-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your nice review and your continued support. Katelyn replaced one bad situation with another. She's no longer a sex slave, but she has to peddle drugs. Being on drugs in the past, I'm afraid the temptation to use again will be more than she can handle.
Thanks again for your great review, take care.
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Most welcome
