Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Small Ray of Hope"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
7 total reviews
Comment from MTF1955
Nicely written. You have that miserable Stan down pat. Marge needs to take him out. Your characters were believable and story flowed well. Mary
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
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Nicely written. You have that miserable Stan down pat. Marge needs to take him out. Your characters were believable and story flowed well. Mary
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review. Don't worry Stan will get his, and it's not who you'd think it'll be.
Thank you again for your great review, take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Quite a lot going on in this instalment. At least things look to be moving forward for Madeline.
Inspecting her weapon he continues, "how are you going to shoot me without any bullets?" - dialogue should start with a capital here.
Chuckling, he continues, "you can be a real idiot sometimes," he says, - same thing here. Also you have a proceeding and following speech tag here.
I miss those happier days, Madeline sadly concludes, shuffled through the box - shuffling.
hoping it'll help her express herself - it'd, otherwise it's a tense shift.
God knows it needs tending to, she concludes / I miss those happier days, Madeline sadly concludes / are actually pretty good if I say so myself, she concludes - watch out for the repetition.
"Hi, can I help you?" The manager asks - the.
She thinks about all of the others who's turned her down - who've.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
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Quite a lot going on in this instalment. At least things look to be moving forward for Madeline.
Inspecting her weapon he continues, "how are you going to shoot me without any bullets?" - dialogue should start with a capital here.
Chuckling, he continues, "you can be a real idiot sometimes," he says, - same thing here. Also you have a proceeding and following speech tag here.
I miss those happier days, Madeline sadly concludes, shuffled through the box - shuffling.
hoping it'll help her express herself - it'd, otherwise it's a tense shift.
God knows it needs tending to, she concludes / I miss those happier days, Madeline sadly concludes / are actually pretty good if I say so myself, she concludes - watch out for the repetition.
"Hi, can I help you?" The manager asks - the.
She thinks about all of the others who's turned her down - who've.
All the best
G
Comment Written 02-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your helpful, honest review. I have a clarification question. The last review you said that I shouldn't capitalize the second piece of dialogue because it was a small break then a continuance where the dialogue left off because it wasn't closed.
This was the part "We have house rules you have to follow," he says, handing her a piece of paper he continues,
How does that differ from above? Please explain because this has me so confused.
Thank you again for your fair review, helpful suggestions, and your support it means a lot to me.
.
Comment from apky
Fast forward as always - Katie is already in college! I'm so happy for her because when she began to argue with Stan, I thought she'd be the next one kicked out.
But I'm a little disappointed with Madeline. She now has the opportunity to turn her back on Stan for good, but still lingers around. Oh well, maybe something about her painting will really manage to get her away from Stan...
Madeline quietly replies, frighteningly glancing back at Stan. ~ you can do this two ways, Misty:
1) Madeline quietly replies, glancing back at Stan with fright. OR
2) Madeline quietly replies, frightened, glancing back at Stan.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Fast forward as always - Katie is already in college! I'm so happy for her because when she began to argue with Stan, I thought she'd be the next one kicked out.
But I'm a little disappointed with Madeline. She now has the opportunity to turn her back on Stan for good, but still lingers around. Oh well, maybe something about her painting will really manage to get her away from Stan...
Madeline quietly replies, frighteningly glancing back at Stan. ~ you can do this two ways, Misty:
1) Madeline quietly replies, glancing back at Stan with fright. OR
2) Madeline quietly replies, frightened, glancing back at Stan.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review and your helpful suggestion. I opted for the second choice, it's closer to her original thought. Madeline has been shamed all her life, by her dad, and then Stan and has learned first-hand what retaliation will do. Don't worry though, she'll grow a pair soon. Thanks again for all your support and encouragement it means a lot to me, take care.
Tell Roman to please decide who he wants to be with once and for all.This dragging his feet crap, playing ping pong with everybody's emotions is torture. I'm thinking his mama needs to slap some sense into that boy.
Comment from Possummagic
This is a great story. Katelyn is picking up a bit of "fight" for herself. I hate the thought of men abusing the fairer sex. Your editing is good and the story is well structured, flowing along nicely. It always leaves me wanting more, which is great. PM
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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This is a great story. Katelyn is picking up a bit of "fight" for herself. I hate the thought of men abusing the fairer sex. Your editing is good and the story is well structured, flowing along nicely. It always leaves me wanting more, which is great. PM
Comment Written 30-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words and great review. Being in solitary confinement took a lot out of her, but she'll get back in the game.Thanks again for your great review, take care.
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You're welcome. Great story. PM
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter. Poor Katelyn. All she wants is a chance, and she would probably work hard. I can't understand how the prison would put her into a sex situation. How awful that must have been.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Good chapter. Poor Katelyn. All she wants is a chance, and she would probably work hard. I can't understand how the prison would put her into a sex situation. How awful that must have been.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2017
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Thank you for your great review. Katelyn often finds herself in tough situations, but somehow always manages to get through it despite the odds. thanks again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from hvysmker
She was a short chunky baby, with big blue eyes and bright red hair. Like her mother, she has a pale complexion
*** had Change in tense.
"Wait me, sissy," she'd yell, chasing her around the yard.
*** Change one of those to a name. Sounds like she's chasing herself.
"I've never been employed before."
She starts thinking about all of the others, that's turned her down as she trudges across the store.
*** Several things. You can drop the "start" with "she thinks"? Then drop the comma. Finally, "that have" or "that've"
Rage starts building inside her the closer she gets to the door.
Rage builds inside her?
That's all I'm asking for one damn chance to prove that I can do it." The crowd starts clapping.
*** Need a comma after "for". Get rid of that darned "start"? "Around her, she can hear the crowd clapping."
I think the manager will come out and hire her.
Charlie
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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She was a short chunky baby, with big blue eyes and bright red hair. Like her mother, she has a pale complexion
*** had Change in tense.
"Wait me, sissy," she'd yell, chasing her around the yard.
*** Change one of those to a name. Sounds like she's chasing herself.
"I've never been employed before."
She starts thinking about all of the others, that's turned her down as she trudges across the store.
*** Several things. You can drop the "start" with "she thinks"? Then drop the comma. Finally, "that have" or "that've"
Rage starts building inside her the closer she gets to the door.
Rage builds inside her?
That's all I'm asking for one damn chance to prove that I can do it." The crowd starts clapping.
*** Need a comma after "for". Get rid of that darned "start"? "Around her, she can hear the crowd clapping."
I think the manager will come out and hire her.
Charlie
Comment Written 30-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your helpful review. Looks like the word start replaced my overuse of the. I'll work on that one next.
Thank you again for your helpful review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
The world loves us when we are on top. Everyone wants to be our friend or just hang out with us, hoping some of our good fortune will rub off on them. Then, we things are bad, and we are down on our luck, no one remembers us, wants to be bothered with us, or will even give us the time of day. Everybody love a winner! Losers smell the place up. Sometimes it's a damn shame the way people are treated. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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The world loves us when we are on top. Everyone wants to be our friend or just hang out with us, hoping some of our good fortune will rub off on them. Then, we things are bad, and we are down on our luck, no one remembers us, wants to be bothered with us, or will even give us the time of day. Everybody love a winner! Losers smell the place up. Sometimes it's a damn shame the way people are treated. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 30-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2017
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Thanks for your great review. Fair weathered friends are like germs, They hop from one person to the next, but true friends are like gems, rare and last forever.
Thank you again for your wonderful review and all of your support, take care.
