The Eidolon
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Darden"Family heinously murdered. The question is by who?
17 total reviews
Comment from teols2016
You do a great job setting up the mystery and its possible connection to a past crime investigated by the lead detective. I have one small suggestion:
"Two Yamhill County vehicles hurtled down Highway 99": I don't think it'll harm the story if you call them "police vehicles". Might start raising the tension a bit earlier.
Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017
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You do a great job setting up the mystery and its possible connection to a past crime investigated by the lead detective. I have one small suggestion:
"Two Yamhill County vehicles hurtled down Highway 99": I don't think it'll harm the story if you call them "police vehicles". Might start raising the tension a bit earlier.
Well done.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017
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Thanks. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
Comment from MJ McIntire
This jumped right in with the suspense. I could see the dark roads, pounding rain and the with wipers doing not much good.
I will be watching for the next installment.
MJ
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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This jumped right in with the suspense. I could see the dark roads, pounding rain and the with wipers doing not much good.
I will be watching for the next installment.
MJ
Comment Written 11-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Thanks.
Comment from Bob Stanton
I see from your profile you like honesty rather than vanity, so at the risk of giving offence, here goes. Technically I could find nothing wrong. Engaging? Somewhat but left me on the fence a bit as to whether or not I would continue. If this was a Kindle sample I would probably not buy the remainder of the book. Things like "An icy chill ran up and down his spine." left me cold too, but not in a good way. I often use the scoring system out of 90 as follows:
Readability - 10/15; Originality 10/15; Flow 10/15; Characterisation 10/15; Imagery 12/15; Overall response to the story (so far) 11/15; Total 63/90.
A score of 80+ is very good.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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I see from your profile you like honesty rather than vanity, so at the risk of giving offence, here goes. Technically I could find nothing wrong. Engaging? Somewhat but left me on the fence a bit as to whether or not I would continue. If this was a Kindle sample I would probably not buy the remainder of the book. Things like "An icy chill ran up and down his spine." left me cold too, but not in a good way. I often use the scoring system out of 90 as follows:
Readability - 10/15; Originality 10/15; Flow 10/15; Characterisation 10/15; Imagery 12/15; Overall response to the story (so far) 11/15; Total 63/90.
A score of 80+ is very good.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017
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Although your scoring system is not the recognized one utilized by FanStory, and therefore, as I see it your system only carries so many grains of salt, I do want honesty in reviews I receive and appreciate your efforts in supplying it for this posting..
I left FanStory for a while and have decided I would give this site one more opportunity.
Therefore, I am now attempting to catch up old reviews.
Since returning, I have also posted the newest chapter of my book
I would invite you to review it should you so desire and get the chance to do so.
Comment from pbomar1115
I've read other parts of the book, however, the is my first reading of the introduction. Here, I read where Drew called in the crime himself and waits patiently for the police.
Phillip
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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I've read other parts of the book, however, the is my first reading of the introduction. Here, I read where Drew called in the crime himself and waits patiently for the police.
Phillip
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the book.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
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You're welcome, Brett.
Phillip
Comment from apky
Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2017
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Thanks, I am also catching up as I took a sabbatical.
Best thing I have done since joining this site.
Back now with a clear perspective on exactly what I want from this site.
Recommend all members do so from time to time.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Brett,
I like the opening introductory paragraphs. the last four lines make it and sets up what follows. Nice way to set the tone and maintain it.
Two Yamhill County vehicles hurtled down Highway 99 West at a high rate of speed - you don't really need the 'at a rate of high speed' given you use 'hurtled'. the reader would infer this.
Screaming sirens convulsed -not sold on convulsed here for the sirens.
The gradual introduction of the protagonist is well done as is the filling in of the back story at that juncture.
Personally, I'd put this line - He deliberated, "Is it possible death is not a one-way journey? Can the deceased sometimes return?" - after the introduction of some of the backstory. it felt a little displaced at that juncture.
The thoughts that returned similarities to what happened in Portland all those years ago were too coincidental. - maybe edit this down a little by omitting 'thoughts that returned' - you've covered the thoughts earlier so the leap to this again can be inferred by the reader.
This sets things up very well. Good introduction of character, a little grounding in his backstory, but most importantly the story is up and running, the setting is established, the tone is consistent to the opening paragraph, foreshadowing and a central area of conflict is introduced in Darden's memory/experiences and his feelings on what's to come.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Hi Brett,
I like the opening introductory paragraphs. the last four lines make it and sets up what follows. Nice way to set the tone and maintain it.
Two Yamhill County vehicles hurtled down Highway 99 West at a high rate of speed - you don't really need the 'at a rate of high speed' given you use 'hurtled'. the reader would infer this.
Screaming sirens convulsed -not sold on convulsed here for the sirens.
The gradual introduction of the protagonist is well done as is the filling in of the back story at that juncture.
Personally, I'd put this line - He deliberated, "Is it possible death is not a one-way journey? Can the deceased sometimes return?" - after the introduction of some of the backstory. it felt a little displaced at that juncture.
The thoughts that returned similarities to what happened in Portland all those years ago were too coincidental. - maybe edit this down a little by omitting 'thoughts that returned' - you've covered the thoughts earlier so the leap to this again can be inferred by the reader.
This sets things up very well. Good introduction of character, a little grounding in his backstory, but most importantly the story is up and running, the setting is established, the tone is consistent to the opening paragraph, foreshadowing and a central area of conflict is introduced in Darden's memory/experiences and his feelings on what's to come.
All the best
G
Comment Written 08-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2017
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Appreciate you taking the time to read this Introduction and to write a review.
I have incorporated your thoughts, and made the suggested changes.
Comment from Amy Rowell
Oh gosh, you have me wondering what happened to make this boy do this or did he! I'm wanting to read more! Great suspenseful, murder mystery. The five sense brings the story to life. Sound: "Screaming sirens convulsed, and flashing blue lights illuminated the deserted motorway." Then sight: "The cruiser's bright beams danced off the wet road. The puddled asphalt blazed eerily." Feel: "An icy chill raced up and down his spine." I like all the senses you've used. I can see it in my minds eye. Can't wait to read the rest!
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Oh gosh, you have me wondering what happened to make this boy do this or did he! I'm wanting to read more! Great suspenseful, murder mystery. The five sense brings the story to life. Sound: "Screaming sirens convulsed, and flashing blue lights illuminated the deserted motorway." Then sight: "The cruiser's bright beams danced off the wet road. The puddled asphalt blazed eerily." Feel: "An icy chill raced up and down his spine." I like all the senses you've used. I can see it in my minds eye. Can't wait to read the rest!
Comment Written 18-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Hey there again, Brett:
This is a very well written story and it is starting off very interesting. I am intrigued to know whether or not this 13-year-old child really killed his whole family or is he just making crank calls. It doesn't sound like he is joking. It seems that he is actually calling from his home phone and he knows that the cops can see from where he is making this call. Anyway, if this is going to be a continued story then I will be following it to see what will happen. So far, I love it.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hey there again, Brett:
This is a very well written story and it is starting off very interesting. I am intrigued to know whether or not this 13-year-old child really killed his whole family or is he just making crank calls. It doesn't sound like he is joking. It seems that he is actually calling from his home phone and he knows that the cops can see from where he is making this call. Anyway, if this is going to be a continued story then I will be following it to see what will happen. So far, I love it.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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This will be a continued story.
When I began writing it, I wasn't sure it would be.
However, many people have responded to it very positively so I will continue writing the story.
Glad you enjoyed this prologue.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Brett. Sounds like the beginning of another one of your great stories. It definitely seems a little strange a 13 year old kid would confess to killing his family therefore, I'm looking forward to the why? xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hi Brett. Sounds like the beginning of another one of your great stories. It definitely seems a little strange a 13 year old kid would confess to killing his family therefore, I'm looking forward to the why? xoxo deborah
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this prologue.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a good lead in chapter Brett. Interesting with the reference to the crime twenty years previous, hope you go on with this one.
cheers
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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This is a good lead in chapter Brett. Interesting with the reference to the crime twenty years previous, hope you go on with this one.
cheers
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this Introduction.
Your comments, support, and the review appreciated.
