Demons in My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Broken Hearts"A young woman's struggle with mental illness.
7 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Things aren't looking good and that self-destruct button looks like being pressed...
Seeing her mom sitting on the bed, Katelyn hesitatingly steps into her room. I don't have enough strength to fight her again. Katelyn slowly trudges towards her bed. - I'm not sure who's these thoughts belong to. I assume Katelyn but if that is the case there's a little bit of 'head-hopping' going on. If it's the mum's then the subject of the paragraphs is misleading.
I think you got most of your medicines. Madeline concludes, walking down the steps. - this should all be one sentence.
Be careful of including all the characters thoughts in one chapter. Differing perspectives is good but don't overdo it.
"Do you have any job openings?" Katelyn inquiries.- inquires.
"I have just as much as she does, only mine is real. - are real.
She Grabs his hand - grabs.
Not use to feeling the real thing?" She laughs - used.
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late. - need closing speech marks here.
"Seeing her start to tear up, - delete the speech marks from the start here.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2017
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Hi there,
Things aren't looking good and that self-destruct button looks like being pressed...
Seeing her mom sitting on the bed, Katelyn hesitatingly steps into her room. I don't have enough strength to fight her again. Katelyn slowly trudges towards her bed. - I'm not sure who's these thoughts belong to. I assume Katelyn but if that is the case there's a little bit of 'head-hopping' going on. If it's the mum's then the subject of the paragraphs is misleading.
I think you got most of your medicines. Madeline concludes, walking down the steps. - this should all be one sentence.
Be careful of including all the characters thoughts in one chapter. Differing perspectives is good but don't overdo it.
"Do you have any job openings?" Katelyn inquiries.- inquires.
"I have just as much as she does, only mine is real. - are real.
She Grabs his hand - grabs.
Not use to feeling the real thing?" She laughs - used.
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late. - need closing speech marks here.
"Seeing her start to tear up, - delete the speech marks from the start here.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice, helpful review. You warned me about head hopping, Do you have any suggestions on how to show two different pov, without it feeling like you're jumping around?
Thanks again for your appreciated advice, and review, take care.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sounds like someone is about to be shucking ol' John's corn. Tracks through the alley way, down through the barn, I think someone's gonna be shucking John's corn. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
(add) [remove]
--I have just as much as she does, only mine [is] (are) real.(Boobs come in a set.)
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2017
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Sounds like someone is about to be shucking ol' John's corn. Tracks through the alley way, down through the barn, I think someone's gonna be shucking John's corn. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter. :-)
(add) [remove]
--I have just as much as she does, only mine [is] (are) real.(Boobs come in a set.)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2017
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Thanks for such a nice review. Yeah, Katelyn becomes very promiscuous. It sounds familiar, where is that from? Your right they do come in pairs, although some women their two combined barely makes one, lol. I'm always teasing my daughter about that, saying she still needs a training bra or the itty bitty titty committee called to say she's too small. She comes back with a zinger real quick. You should hear the crap we sling come football season, lol. I like Green Bay she likes Dallas.
Thanks again for your review and all your support it means a lot, take care.
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I'm with the daughter on football, GO COWBOYS! LOL!
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Before you read on just know It's all in fun, a joke, so please don't get upset.
I've been trying to figure out why a smart man like you would choose Dallas cowgirls. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that you saw them win the super bowl when you were a child so the child in your psyche believes they're a good team. You'd had to have been a child, cause they haven't won in years, lol.
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How right you are. They haven't been worth a darn since Tom Landry stopped coaching. But what is life without hope? LOL! I dated a couple of those Dallas cowgirl cheerleaders over the years. Some people called it luck. But in truth, they were nightmares. I'm more into college sports. I'm part of the BBN! And you don't even know who they are. :-)
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BBN well let's see that could stand for the British broadcasting network, or perhaps, Buckingham Brown and Nichols a school in MA. maybe Kentucky, or sports recruiters?
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Big Blue Nation! Home of the Wildcats! LOL!
Comment from apky
Poor Katelyn, sometimes trying to do the right thing simply leads to disasters. My suggestions are below.
She's(She'd - because it already happened "weeks ago") abandoned all hope that he'll return weeks ago.
Look at me, Mother
Why was I even born, mother ~ choose one spelling for Mother/mother and stick to it.
I can't(,) Liz, I just can't.
Sweet dreams(,) my love.
Good luck(,) sweetheart
"Not use to the real deal?" She laughs. ~ something not quite right with the sentence, Misty.
He has long black hair(;) is as dark as a starless night.
"(delete space) Seeing her start to tear up
Pinching both nipples, he moves further south.
Putting her hand on his crotch, he moves it up and down.
~ Misty, starting sentences with the -ing verb distorts and/or makes the sentence passive.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2017
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Poor Katelyn, sometimes trying to do the right thing simply leads to disasters. My suggestions are below.
She's(She'd - because it already happened "weeks ago") abandoned all hope that he'll return weeks ago.
Look at me, Mother
Why was I even born, mother ~ choose one spelling for Mother/mother and stick to it.
I can't(,) Liz, I just can't.
Sweet dreams(,) my love.
Good luck(,) sweetheart
"Not use to the real deal?" She laughs. ~ something not quite right with the sentence, Misty.
He has long black hair(;) is as dark as a starless night.
"(delete space) Seeing her start to tear up
Pinching both nipples, he moves further south.
Putting her hand on his crotch, he moves it up and down.
~ Misty, starting sentences with the -ing verb distorts and/or makes the sentence passive.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your kind review and all of your helpful edits.
The sentence you said didn't read right I changed to not use to feeling the real thing, huh? does that sound better?
The ing thing, I've noticed it comes in waves. I'll do good for awhile then five in a row.
Your idea about sending Larry and Alyssa to Ricky won't work. Larry is such a horn dog he'd probably screw Alyssa forgetting all about his mission with Ricky. How about Mercy? That little girl could do both of them in.
Thanks again for your nice review and all your help and support it always means a lot to me.
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Then make it "Not USED to..."
Comment from Janilou
Pretty heavy stuff for Biographical Non-Fiction. I think it has a lot of potential with some attention to minor details. Believe me, I know how it is trying to edit your own work. I can go over it a hundred times and the first reviewer along will find the most obvious glaring errors.
Notes:
"It's been nearly a month, (mom), a stinking month. He promised he'd be back, he promised me, he promised," she sobs, throwing the covers over her head.
Mom
Here too:
"One more," Madeline coaxes.
"That was two, (mom)."
"It won't hurt you to eat one more, will it?"
Should be Mom.
"Get this... This woman out of my sight," the man orders, tossing his nose in the air.
Even up the spacing around the ellipses, and 'this' shouldn't be capitalized.
"Get this ... this woman out of my sight," the man orders, tossing his nose in the air.
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late." Seeing her start to tear up, he pulls her against him. "Don't cry, honey."
Two different people, so split it with a line space:
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late."
Seeing her start to tear up, he pulls her against him. "Don't cry, honey."
Hope this helps.
Jan
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Pretty heavy stuff for Biographical Non-Fiction. I think it has a lot of potential with some attention to minor details. Believe me, I know how it is trying to edit your own work. I can go over it a hundred times and the first reviewer along will find the most obvious glaring errors.
Notes:
"It's been nearly a month, (mom), a stinking month. He promised he'd be back, he promised me, he promised," she sobs, throwing the covers over her head.
Mom
Here too:
"One more," Madeline coaxes.
"That was two, (mom)."
"It won't hurt you to eat one more, will it?"
Should be Mom.
"Get this... This woman out of my sight," the man orders, tossing his nose in the air.
Even up the spacing around the ellipses, and 'this' shouldn't be capitalized.
"Get this ... this woman out of my sight," the man orders, tossing his nose in the air.
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late." Seeing her start to tear up, he pulls her against him. "Don't cry, honey."
Two different people, so split it with a line space:
"He's a real asshole, canned my sister last week for being a few minutes late."
Seeing her start to tear up, he pulls her against him. "Don't cry, honey."
Hope this helps.
Jan
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your fair and helpful review. Your right, I can go over so many times that I almost have it memorized and there are still dozens of mistakes and it's always simple elementary things like capitalizing mom.
Thanks again for your kind review, take care.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Sounds like this biker has made her forget about John, for a while, at least. Is he bad news? He certainly doesn't care about her and just wants to use her. That can't end well.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Sounds like this biker has made her forget about John, for a while, at least. Is he bad news? He certainly doesn't care about her and just wants to use her. That can't end well.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you for your nice review. Old stud is only after one thing, but she mistakes it for love. It also sends her down a dark path
of self-medicating, this takes her years to recover.
Thanks again for your review and your support, It's always appreciated.
Comment from hvysmker
She can't go on like this, she just can't, but I don't know what else to do.She's already called Katelyn's doctor for advice.
*** Maybe change the "I know" to "doesn't"?
"Why do you care, why does anyone care for that matter?"
*** Comma after "care".
"I'll stay here all night if I have to," she says, spreading out further.
*** farther is used for distance.
She was finishing Katelyn's dishes when Stan walks in the room.
*** walked
"Why's Katie in such a hurry for?" he questions.
"That wasn't Katie that was Katlyn, she's going to look for a job."
*** Katelyn
No matter what she does, the flash backs continue to surface.
*** flashbacks
"You might as well give up Katelyn,"
*** Comma before Katelyn. Changes the meaning of the sentence.
She sees a tall, strapping Latino man leaning against his bike.
*** How does she know it's "His" bike? Is it a bicycle or motorcycle?
His long black hair is as dark as a starless night. His alluring brown eyes with their lustful gaze makes her quiver. His T-shirt stretches tightly across his chest. His large brawny arms crossed in front of him.
*** Three consecutive sentences starting with "His".
"You've had a hard day, huh?" Katelyn shakes her head.
*** You should make that two sentences. Confusing. It reads as though she says it AND shakes her head.
Uuuuweee! Getting risqué.
I was going to give you a four, but not after that last part.
Charlie
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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She can't go on like this, she just can't, but I don't know what else to do.She's already called Katelyn's doctor for advice.
*** Maybe change the "I know" to "doesn't"?
"Why do you care, why does anyone care for that matter?"
*** Comma after "care".
"I'll stay here all night if I have to," she says, spreading out further.
*** farther is used for distance.
She was finishing Katelyn's dishes when Stan walks in the room.
*** walked
"Why's Katie in such a hurry for?" he questions.
"That wasn't Katie that was Katlyn, she's going to look for a job."
*** Katelyn
No matter what she does, the flash backs continue to surface.
*** flashbacks
"You might as well give up Katelyn,"
*** Comma before Katelyn. Changes the meaning of the sentence.
She sees a tall, strapping Latino man leaning against his bike.
*** How does she know it's "His" bike? Is it a bicycle or motorcycle?
His long black hair is as dark as a starless night. His alluring brown eyes with their lustful gaze makes her quiver. His T-shirt stretches tightly across his chest. His large brawny arms crossed in front of him.
*** Three consecutive sentences starting with "His".
"You've had a hard day, huh?" Katelyn shakes her head.
*** You should make that two sentences. Confusing. It reads as though she says it AND shakes her head.
Uuuuweee! Getting risqué.
I was going to give you a four, but not after that last part.
Charlie
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thanks for the review and the 5, glad you enjoyed the last part. Farther is the actual distance got that but the part where further is metaphoric distance? what do they mean by that I'm confused.
Thanks again for the kind review, take care.
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Dunno. All I know is that farther is used when measuring distance.
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Thanks, bud, lol. Thought I was going to go crazy yesterday having to look up so many stinking compound words. Do you ever have days like that?
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I don't think compound words are very hard. What you do is match each word to the subject or verb. If even one of them doesn't make sense, hyphenate.
It doesn't always work and sometimes you have to make a judgement call. For instance:
god awful stink
god stink? no good.
awful stink? good So, hyphenate.
"Three story wooden building."
More complex. wooden describes the building.
Three building? Na.
Story building? Na.
Wooden building? Yep.
How about three wooden building? Na.
Maybe story wooden building? Na.
Three story wooden building? Remember, the word "three" has to describe the building, not the word "story". Saying three story with story being singular doesn't make much sense. Hyphenate it and it does make sense. Three-story (and) wooden does describe the building.
You can do it in your mind quicker than in my explanation, he-he.
Charlie
Comment from poetwatch
Not bad Mistydawn. It's a story about life and a good one to boot. There's that song that goes, "If you can't love the one you love, love the one you're with." I like your story. Down toward the end it would be nice if you gave Katelyn a break and moved her and the Latino off to one side of the street. You never know when a cop is passing by.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Not bad Mistydawn. It's a story about life and a good one to boot. There's that song that goes, "If you can't love the one you love, love the one you're with." I like your story. Down toward the end it would be nice if you gave Katelyn a break and moved her and the Latino off to one side of the street. You never know when a cop is passing by.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2017
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Thank you for the great review. That would've been a perfect song for this. Your right about the cop, hate to see her in jail for prostitution or drug possession.
Thanks again for great review, take care
