tanka (red petals drop)
tanka is a Japanese short form17 total reviews
Comment from smileycloud
a really good form Tanka
Japanese forms of poetry are so full of depth character and meaning
the Senryu alone is hauntingly amazing
well written
have a smiley day
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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a really good form Tanka
Japanese forms of poetry are so full of depth character and meaning
the Senryu alone is hauntingly amazing
well written
have a smiley day
Comment Written 30-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for this lovely review.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written tanka. The fallen petals tell a story by itself. Someone's life cone to an end when the life support was unplugged. The heart monitor shows no sign of life.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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A very well-written tanka. The fallen petals tell a story by itself. Someone's life cone to an end when the life support was unplugged. The heart monitor shows no sign of life.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you
Comment from jaded831
For me less is more as well. Your powerful tanka, sparks many emotions, especially sadness. Your poem is smooth, well written, and true to life. Unfortunately not all about life is happy. You did a great job. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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For me less is more as well. Your powerful tanka, sparks many emotions, especially sadness. Your poem is smooth, well written, and true to life. Unfortunately not all about life is happy. You did a great job. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for this wonderful review, and yes life isn't always pretty. Val
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a shocking write of reality and the finality of death in hospitals where not every life is saved. A resonating and poignant tanka, best wishes, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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This is a shocking write of reality and the finality of death in hospitals where not every life is saved. A resonating and poignant tanka, best wishes, love Dolly x
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the lovely review. Dolly
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hi Val,
You've done extremely well with this traditional form of tanka. I do so admire the traditional form much more than the contemporary, Americanized form.
The three parts of your tanka are in fine form. Part 1, the haiku-like first two lines capture an observable moment in time. I also like the 'foretelling' of these two lines and how they interweave with the last two.
Part 2, the third line, serves as a superb satori on the first two and an excellent pivot to begin the last two lines. I admire the use of single word third liners whenever possible.
Part 3 is also well done and smacks the reader with one heck of a one-two emotive punch. Of course, that is what these last two lines are all about--emotive display. The only suggestion I would have is to change 'heart machine' to 'heart monitor.' For me, a heart machine is where a person is using an artificial heart, thus a machine. I associate flatlining with a heart monitor.
Well done, and thanks for sharing an extremely well penned and presented traditional tanka. I wish you had posted this as an entry in the Site's tanka contest.
-Ray
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Hi Val,
You've done extremely well with this traditional form of tanka. I do so admire the traditional form much more than the contemporary, Americanized form.
The three parts of your tanka are in fine form. Part 1, the haiku-like first two lines capture an observable moment in time. I also like the 'foretelling' of these two lines and how they interweave with the last two.
Part 2, the third line, serves as a superb satori on the first two and an excellent pivot to begin the last two lines. I admire the use of single word third liners whenever possible.
Part 3 is also well done and smacks the reader with one heck of a one-two emotive punch. Of course, that is what these last two lines are all about--emotive display. The only suggestion I would have is to change 'heart machine' to 'heart monitor.' For me, a heart machine is where a person is using an artificial heart, thus a machine. I associate flatlining with a heart monitor.
Well done, and thanks for sharing an extremely well penned and presented traditional tanka. I wish you had posted this as an entry in the Site's tanka contest.
-Ray
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Ray, I actually have another entry in that contest. The one I struggled with so much, about the white feather. None the less, I am thinking of entering the "hiking" one in the next contest. I am a little reactive and should show patience, but that is not my strong suite. Hugs and thank you for taking the time with this one the "millionth" time. Hugs Buddy
Comment from Irish Rain
This is awesome. I struggle with this form, not really understanding it, but every try, I get a little closer. This is a beautiful tanka!!! Blessings....
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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This is awesome. I struggle with this form, not really understanding it, but every try, I get a little closer. This is a beautiful tanka!!! Blessings....
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you , this "exceptional " it means the world to me. Truly, I feel I am always blessed by someone that appreciates my Japanese Short Form. Not many understand it or care to. The key to tanka IMHO is the pivot line. As we all know, haiku is difficult but in tanka there is forgiveness if we have that "pivot" line that connects us to emotion on a human level. I am humbled Val Crisson
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'emotion on a human level'....I didn't know that!! Thank YOU!!! I've learned so much!!
Comment from l.raven
HI Val, this one touched my heart...my husband was brain dead and I had to unplug the life support...the worst day of my life...very well written sweet girl...and a perfect picture...love ya you...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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HI Val, this one touched my heart...my husband was brain dead and I had to unplug the life support...the worst day of my life...very well written sweet girl...and a perfect picture...love ya you...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Linda, I'm sorry to have brought up a horrible memory, but I like you have been in "that room" before. The truth is that watching death is not easy. I'm glad it "touched your heart" Val
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it really is...sigh...you are so very welcome my sweet friend...love xxoo
Comment from trimple
Hello there, Val
First of all the photograph.
The red and white which we often associate with blood and bandages is a perfect canvas for this sad but beautiful and poignant tanka poem.
red petals drop
to a cold hospital floor
detached
life support unplugged
and heart machine flatlines
Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the after thought of this piece, I wondered if the last line here was a little brash for the beautiful tanka.
Just my thoughts of course, but perhaps instead...
'her pumping heart stemmed...'
this would also tie-in with the rose petals.
Kindest regards
tracey :)
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Hello there, Val
First of all the photograph.
The red and white which we often associate with blood and bandages is a perfect canvas for this sad but beautiful and poignant tanka poem.
red petals drop
to a cold hospital floor
detached
life support unplugged
and heart machine flatlines
Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the after thought of this piece, I wondered if the last line here was a little brash for the beautiful tanka.
Just my thoughts of course, but perhaps instead...
'her pumping heart stemmed...'
this would also tie-in with the rose petals.
Kindest regards
tracey :)
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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I always appreciate an honest review, and I will give your idea some thought. But to be honest with you, I have been in "that room," and the harsh reality is that death is hard to watch. None the less, I will give it some thought. Thank you Val
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I know, Val. I watched my mum die. I was the most awful experience I have ever had the misfortune to witness.
I'm sorry that you also had to go through this with somebody you cared about.
Life eh... :(
Comment from Taffspride
A well-written tanka in the traditional Japanese Short Form style Val.
Two interconnecting lines and an excellent pivot line. the last two lines have the human emotion that should be in tanka of this style.
You paint a very heartfelt picture with your words.
Thanks for sharing.
iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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A well-written tanka in the traditional Japanese Short Form style Val.
Two interconnecting lines and an excellent pivot line. the last two lines have the human emotion that should be in tanka of this style.
You paint a very heartfelt picture with your words.
Thanks for sharing.
iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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As always, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I thought this was interesting, and think I will share it with you. One reviewer suggested I soften the last line to something like "her heart stopped beating" what do you think. Hugs Me
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No, I don't think it would have the impact. I think it should be left stand.
Iechyd da
Ann
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That was my thought too. As death is not pretty, and someone had to make that dreadful decision to pull the plug. Thanks Ann
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Val. It is an extraordinary piece of writing. I love the shorter forms too as they force a writer to get to the point and NOW! The image you project is intense and real. Perfect format. xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Hi Val. It is an extraordinary piece of writing. I love the shorter forms too as they force a writer to get to the point and NOW! The image you project is intense and real. Perfect format. xoxo deborah
Comment Written 28-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Deborah. I always appreciate your wonderful reviews. I'm not always reviewing these days, but did just review one of your latest regarding craving and yearning. I did look at the other one, but honestly did not review it because I felt it was a bit scattered. No offense taken, please. Hugs Val
