.....and then the elevator opened
A drought crazed crocodile goes off seeking water20 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this unexpected and inventive tale of a croc in the elevator. It needs a bit of a tidy up though-
whilst awaiting
what must be the slowest elevator in the world; to arrive at my floor. - no need for the semi-colon here.
Mrs Brown pierced the air, with her
absolutely terrified squeal- unnecessary comma here.
its eyes back, as if disinterested, and flicked his tail - you use its and his for the crocodile's attributes here, better to stick to one or the other probably.
" Bejaysus", - comma should be inside the speech marks here.
as bodies pealed off - I think in this instance it's peeled off. (peal refers to laughter or bells ringing whereas peeled off is used in relation to being like peeling off an apple or such like, removing.)
but carried on its journey
upwards. / I dialled Pete, who was manning the reception desk that day. The phone was hastily snatched up, at
the same time, as I heard Pete's ear piercing scream. But the phone was off the hook and the
crocodile had definitely exited the elevator this time - would the reception desk not have been on the ground floor? If the crocodile was continuing upwards it wouldn't be in reception...
" What's your emergency? fire, ambulance or police?" Chirped the
friendly lady at the other end of the line. - this should probably be on a separate line. delete the space after the opening speech marks (there are other instances of this as well) and the following speech tag should be lower case unless a name or a proper noun. (every time, there are other examples of this following this one)
"Yes!" it was all I could get out! - It.
she was soothing my senses with her presence - She.
"It happens " Sergeant Golden
commented - insert a comma before the closing speech marks here.
Then sometimes they will venture further - usually farther for physical distance.
Every body screaming - probably Everybody in this instance.
shouting... it unnerves them".- full stop should be inside the speech marks.
lookalikes can be one word.
trussed up and Immobile - immobile.
It may be an idea to differentiate between thought, quote and speech by using different techniques rather than the double "" for them all.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this unexpected and inventive tale of a croc in the elevator. It needs a bit of a tidy up though-
whilst awaiting
what must be the slowest elevator in the world; to arrive at my floor. - no need for the semi-colon here.
Mrs Brown pierced the air, with her
absolutely terrified squeal- unnecessary comma here.
its eyes back, as if disinterested, and flicked his tail - you use its and his for the crocodile's attributes here, better to stick to one or the other probably.
" Bejaysus", - comma should be inside the speech marks here.
as bodies pealed off - I think in this instance it's peeled off. (peal refers to laughter or bells ringing whereas peeled off is used in relation to being like peeling off an apple or such like, removing.)
but carried on its journey
upwards. / I dialled Pete, who was manning the reception desk that day. The phone was hastily snatched up, at
the same time, as I heard Pete's ear piercing scream. But the phone was off the hook and the
crocodile had definitely exited the elevator this time - would the reception desk not have been on the ground floor? If the crocodile was continuing upwards it wouldn't be in reception...
" What's your emergency? fire, ambulance or police?" Chirped the
friendly lady at the other end of the line. - this should probably be on a separate line. delete the space after the opening speech marks (there are other instances of this as well) and the following speech tag should be lower case unless a name or a proper noun. (every time, there are other examples of this following this one)
"Yes!" it was all I could get out! - It.
she was soothing my senses with her presence - She.
"It happens " Sergeant Golden
commented - insert a comma before the closing speech marks here.
Then sometimes they will venture further - usually farther for physical distance.
Every body screaming - probably Everybody in this instance.
shouting... it unnerves them".- full stop should be inside the speech marks.
lookalikes can be one word.
trussed up and Immobile - immobile.
It may be an idea to differentiate between thought, quote and speech by using different techniques rather than the double "" for them all.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thanks for your feedback. I'm still learning. High school English was 40 odd years ago and apart from a poem to my dearly departed dod I've never written a poem in my life. I will try to go back and correct what I can. Thanks again. BTW high rise buildings in Australia can have several levels for one company. Ie reception on the first floor could be for accounts and information. Reception on the next floor could be for Human Resources or the CEO's office suites. So it's not unusual to have a receptionist on the second floor. I didn't notice that I was using the words " it" and " him" well picked up. I'll have look at tidying it up. Thanks again. I take feedback very seriously.
Comment from Sis Cat
Yes, I would take the stairs, too, if I worked in that Florida office building invaded by crocodiles. Misspelled "dialed." Story reminds me of an unfortunate attack in which a crocodile dragged a toddler underwater, drowned, and devoured him. Most ingenious aspect of your story is what you imagined when the elevator door opened:
A crocodile....... A bloody huge crocodile, lazily rolled its eyes back, as if disinterested, and flicked his tail from one side of the elevator to the other!
Your story of horror riveted me. Poor Pete. I can imagine the crocodile crunching his bones.
Story ends with the police arriving on the scene and the survivor deciding:
I walked to the elevator and then......... took the stairs instead!
This is a creative story that could use a few edits:
Don't use forms of "pierce" twice for screams. Find a different verb like "shattered."
(c)hirped the
line safely?" (s)he (i)nquired(.)
This is a creative story that could be polished with detailed edits of punctuation.
Thank you for sharing and scaring. I wish you contest success.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Yes, I would take the stairs, too, if I worked in that Florida office building invaded by crocodiles. Misspelled "dialed." Story reminds me of an unfortunate attack in which a crocodile dragged a toddler underwater, drowned, and devoured him. Most ingenious aspect of your story is what you imagined when the elevator door opened:
A crocodile....... A bloody huge crocodile, lazily rolled its eyes back, as if disinterested, and flicked his tail from one side of the elevator to the other!
Your story of horror riveted me. Poor Pete. I can imagine the crocodile crunching his bones.
Story ends with the police arriving on the scene and the survivor deciding:
I walked to the elevator and then......... took the stairs instead!
This is a creative story that could use a few edits:
Don't use forms of "pierce" twice for screams. Find a different verb like "shattered."
(c)hirped the
line safely?" (s)he (i)nquired(.)
This is a creative story that could be polished with detailed edits of punctuation.
Thank you for sharing and scaring. I wish you contest success.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thank you very much for your feedback and suggestions. Dialling is spelt this way in Australia.
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Wow, I learned a different spelling.
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We spell dialled as so in Australia. Thanks for the feedback.
Comment from w.j.debi
You caught my attention with the title and the picture so I had to check out the story. I am glad I did. This is a creative and well written take on the prompt. A croc in the elevator would be unnerving. Luckily he was half asleep on your floor, but poor Pete...
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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You caught my attention with the title and the picture so I had to check out the story. I am glad I did. This is a creative and well written take on the prompt. A croc in the elevator would be unnerving. Luckily he was half asleep on your floor, but poor Pete...
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Yes poor Pete! Thanks for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from country ranch writer
Drought brings many animals out into the cities and places they never would go if the drought wasn't so severe in the areas. They are bad during mating season they travel for miles and miles look for love
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Drought brings many animals out into the cities and places they never would go if the drought wasn't so severe in the areas. They are bad during mating season they travel for miles and miles look for love
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for the feedback. Yes they've been known to wander down the main. Street in Darwin and Cairns.
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Smiles watch out for those gators
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We have crocodiles in Australia. I think you have alligators. They will all eat us given the chance!
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We got the gators
Comment from emptypage
You have a spacing issue here:
"The phone was hastily snatched up, at
the same time, as I heard Pete's ear piercing scream. But the phone was off the hook and the..."
"Yes", it was all I could get out! Try, "Yes!" It was all I could get out. Otherwise it means something different.
Spacing again here--evil Eddie is after you:
I could have cried with joy at the sight of the officer's firearms on their utility belts. Even as I thought
of my stand against guns, I knew that this was an exceptional case.
Here: "and they are as frightened of us, as we are of them."--No comma necessary.
Despite the nits, the story was fun to read.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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You have a spacing issue here:
"The phone was hastily snatched up, at
the same time, as I heard Pete's ear piercing scream. But the phone was off the hook and the..."
"Yes", it was all I could get out! Try, "Yes!" It was all I could get out. Otherwise it means something different.
Spacing again here--evil Eddie is after you:
I could have cried with joy at the sight of the officer's firearms on their utility belts. Even as I thought
of my stand against guns, I knew that this was an exceptional case.
Here: "and they are as frightened of us, as we are of them."--No comma necessary.
Despite the nits, the story was fun to read.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2017
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THank you for your feedback I'll try to edit this out.
Comment from EverInParadise
Really good take on this challenge. One item to perhaps reconsider is, 'what I thought might be a human, or a head, being crushed. Instead of naming Pete. For me it leaves other possibilities of other bodies being involved now. I loved that your old "Irish" came through. A nice addition for the reader. Good luck with the contest. This is a good one.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Really good take on this challenge. One item to perhaps reconsider is, 'what I thought might be a human, or a head, being crushed. Instead of naming Pete. For me it leaves other possibilities of other bodies being involved now. I loved that your old "Irish" came through. A nice addition for the reader. Good luck with the contest. This is a good one.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Thank you so much for the feedback. Born in England of an English mother and an Irish father we immigrated to Australia when I was 8. I think I have an educated Australian accent, some pick my English heritage but I think it comes out when I'm with other English people. Funnily enough my fathers Irish influence often appears when I'm shocked or cross about something ( ask my children) then I'd say " for the love of Mike" ( who ever Mike was) " for the love of all things holy" " bejayzus if Ye don't stop that argg( arguing or fighting) you'll get my belt " ( never had a hand or a belt laid on my by my father in my life lol. )
Comment from frerejoe
Haha this was so good, it was thrilling, scary and pretty hilarious all at the same time! I loved the Irish character and his flabbergasted response to meeting a totally unexpected creature on what should have been a totally predictable elevator ride. It reminded me of Steven King's Story Here there be Tygers of a boy who discovers a tiger in the bathroom. Well done! Thanks for the chills and the laughs!
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Haha this was so good, it was thrilling, scary and pretty hilarious all at the same time! I loved the Irish character and his flabbergasted response to meeting a totally unexpected creature on what should have been a totally predictable elevator ride. It reminded me of Steven King's Story Here there be Tygers of a boy who discovers a tiger in the bathroom. Well done! Thanks for the chills and the laughs!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Thanks for your feedback, I responded by email.
Comment from Dean Kuch
"Idialled dialed Pete, who was manning the reception desk that day." ... "Dialed" has just one "L", Anonymous Author ...
Jeez those guys are good, I thought to myself. ...It would be better to italicize this thought rather than add speech tags as the protagonist isn't doing any speaking, just thinking...
Taking the stairs is a better alternative to using an elevator anyhow. It's great cardio exercise.
Good story, quite...different. But, hey, it could happen, I suppose. It probably already has, in fact.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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"I
Jeez those guys are good, I thought to myself. ...It would be better to italicize this thought rather than add speech tags as the protagonist isn't doing any speaking, just thinking...
Taking the stairs is a better alternative to using an elevator anyhow. It's great cardio exercise.
Good story, quite...different. But, hey, it could happen, I suppose. It probably already has, in fact.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your feedback. In Australia dialled has two l's, hence the word dialled. We Aussies speak a different language. Thank you for your comments re italicising ( Aussie spelling) which I take on board and will use in future.
In Darwin or Cairns, where the towns were built on reclaimed swamp land, it is not unusual to see a 12 foot croc who's lost his way; or ventured into the storm drains. The storm drains are huge in readiness for monsoonal rains. I haven't seen one but there is occasional reference to a crocodile wandering down the main street in search of water........ and food! It wouldn't take much for it to wander into a department store, and find itself in an open elevator. Far fetched but fully possible. The biggest croc I've found in a storm drain entrance was only 20" long and desiccated. Thanks again. Marie
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Oh, I see. You're from Down Under.
Of course, I had no way of knowing that, but
I am well aware of our linguistic differences.
It happens here in the states of Florida and Louisiana as well.
Anyhow, you're very welcome.~Dean :)
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Thank you Dean.
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Lol!
Comment from doggymad
This was a great approach to the contest. It was well written if a touch far fetched.
It has an element of humour which is offsets the horror of meeting this rather large intruder in the office enjoying a trip in the elevator
I wish you the best of luck in the contest
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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This was a great approach to the contest. It was well written if a touch far fetched.
It has an element of humour which is offsets the horror of meeting this rather large intruder in the office enjoying a trip in the elevator
I wish you the best of luck in the contest
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your feedback
Comment from apky
I'm not much for horror, but definitely for thriller.So this was an amusing bit of writing.
"(delete space) Good, just make sure that the room you are in is locked, and stay there until the police arrive. Keep
talking to me, can you do that" she was soothing my senses with her presence, albeit over the
phone.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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I'm not much for horror, but definitely for thriller.So this was an amusing bit of writing.
"(delete space) Good, just make sure that the room you are in is locked, and stay there until the police arrive. Keep
talking to me, can you do that" she was soothing my senses with her presence, albeit over the
phone.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2017
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Thanks for your feedback.
