Falling...
Falling down or falling for?7 total reviews
Comment from mvbrooks
Great ending...that seems like the beginning of another great story. The story is realistic and believable. I suspected the narrator was a girl when she was reading "Pride and Prejudice."
Knowing that a good deed had to go bad, the ending was not unexpected--but the telling was still compelling and made for a great story.
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Great ending...that seems like the beginning of another great story. The story is realistic and believable. I suspected the narrator was a girl when she was reading "Pride and Prejudice."
Knowing that a good deed had to go bad, the ending was not unexpected--but the telling was still compelling and made for a great story.
Comment Written 24-May-2017
reply by the author on 24-May-2017
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Thanks for reading.
Comment from kathleenspalding
Cute story is well written and entertaining. Excellent use of artwork. Only one thing for your consideration -
...pulling (on instead of from) his arms?
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Cute story is well written and entertaining. Excellent use of artwork. Only one thing for your consideration -
...pulling (on instead of from) his arms?
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 21-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thanks for the review and for noticing my mistake.
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You're welcome
Comment from Mustang Patty
Thank you for sharing your entry in the 'A Good Turn Gone Wrong' contest. Your writing style flows easy and the story was well told. I didn't catch any nits or SPAG, and this made for a pleasant reading experience. Well done and good luck in the contest,
~patty~
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thank you for sharing your entry in the 'A Good Turn Gone Wrong' contest. Your writing style flows easy and the story was well told. I didn't catch any nits or SPAG, and this made for a pleasant reading experience. Well done and good luck in the contest,
~patty~
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Patty.
Comment from rama devi
*I loved the wraparound porch(,) and I used to spend hours sitting there reading or just thinking.
*use double quote marks not single: "
'We should move your room down here,' Mum told me one day.
* A boy in a wheelchair used to sit outside(,) hour after hour(,) doing nothing, just staring into thin air.
*There was a permanent scowl on his face.
Best to avoid THERE WAS when a stronger verb can be found that shows more than tells. Example:
A permanent scowl carved lines on his face.
*
At first, I said hello whenever I saw him, but he never answered, so in the end I gave up.
A bit wordy for flash fiction. Especially in this genre, it's ideal to trim and tighten...culling out unnecessary filler words. Suggest two sentences:
At first, I said hello whenever I saw him, but he never answered. In the end, I gave up.
Please read your original and the suggestion aloud to note the difference in pacing. :)
*Had he been born like that(,) or had he been involved in an accident?
*
One Sunday, three months after the move or so, I was sitting outside reading Pride and Prejudice and looking at Mum's beautiful hydrangeas, when I heard a loud thump.
Wordy run on sentence...awkward flow. Also, passive voicing. Here is an editing idea for your consideration:
One Sunday, about three months after the move, I sat outside reading Pride and Prejudice. I glanced up at Mum's beautiful hydrangeas, when I heard a loud thump.
*
I realized it came from the house opposite.
no need to tell the reader 'I realized' as it is implied.
It came from the house opposite.
*Our neighbour had apparently been trying to walk with the help of crutches and fallen down the steps that led to the sidewalk.
Very wordy. The adverb is superfluous, too (and it best avoided in flash fiction). Flash fiction style writing uses the fewest words to convey the story...no filler words. word economy (getting the maximum mileage in meaning from each word) is a hallmark of this genre.
Example edit:
Our neighbour, walking with crutches, had down the steps to the sidewalk.
Trimming and tightening unnecessary filler words does not detract from the meaning.
* I realized his eyes were green and his face was covered in freckles.
realized seems a mismatch verb choice in this context. How about: I NOTICED his eyes were green...
Good closing hook--implying that the chance encounter had sparked a flame of love in spite of beginning as an argument. Definitely a good theme and idea for this particular contest.
It reads like non-fiction. But it's listed as fiction. Good job making this sound true to life.
This is very good but has room for improvement and fine tuning. Hope you find my critique helpful. If you make edits, do let me know, as I'd be glad to return and re-review, upgrading the rating accordingly.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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*I loved the wraparound porch(,) and I used to spend hours sitting there reading or just thinking.
*use double quote marks not single: "
'We should move your room down here,' Mum told me one day.
* A boy in a wheelchair used to sit outside(,) hour after hour(,) doing nothing, just staring into thin air.
*There was a permanent scowl on his face.
Best to avoid THERE WAS when a stronger verb can be found that shows more than tells. Example:
A permanent scowl carved lines on his face.
*
At first, I said hello whenever I saw him, but he never answered, so in the end I gave up.
A bit wordy for flash fiction. Especially in this genre, it's ideal to trim and tighten...culling out unnecessary filler words. Suggest two sentences:
At first, I said hello whenever I saw him, but he never answered. In the end, I gave up.
Please read your original and the suggestion aloud to note the difference in pacing. :)
*Had he been born like that(,) or had he been involved in an accident?
*
One Sunday, three months after the move or so, I was sitting outside reading Pride and Prejudice and looking at Mum's beautiful hydrangeas, when I heard a loud thump.
Wordy run on sentence...awkward flow. Also, passive voicing. Here is an editing idea for your consideration:
One Sunday, about three months after the move, I sat outside reading Pride and Prejudice. I glanced up at Mum's beautiful hydrangeas, when I heard a loud thump.
*
I realized it came from the house opposite.
no need to tell the reader 'I realized' as it is implied.
It came from the house opposite.
*Our neighbour had apparently been trying to walk with the help of crutches and fallen down the steps that led to the sidewalk.
Very wordy. The adverb is superfluous, too (and it best avoided in flash fiction). Flash fiction style writing uses the fewest words to convey the story...no filler words. word economy (getting the maximum mileage in meaning from each word) is a hallmark of this genre.
Example edit:
Our neighbour, walking with crutches, had down the steps to the sidewalk.
Trimming and tightening unnecessary filler words does not detract from the meaning.
* I realized his eyes were green and his face was covered in freckles.
realized seems a mismatch verb choice in this context. How about: I NOTICED his eyes were green...
Good closing hook--implying that the chance encounter had sparked a flame of love in spite of beginning as an argument. Definitely a good theme and idea for this particular contest.
It reads like non-fiction. But it's listed as fiction. Good job making this sound true to life.
This is very good but has room for improvement and fine tuning. Hope you find my critique helpful. If you make edits, do let me know, as I'd be glad to return and re-review, upgrading the rating accordingly.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Hi! Thanks for your review and suggestions. I have used two of them: using noticing instead of realizing and the commas before and after hour after hour. I'm happy with the rest as it is, I'm afraid.
BTW, single quote marks are perfectly acceptable in England.
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Ah yes, I should've guessed you're writing in UK English! Thanks for your gracious response.
The first comma suggestion should be accurate in England as well, though. It is the rule where a comma is used after a coordinating conjunction if followed by an independent clause. Same thing applies to this line: *Had he been born like that(,) or had he been involved in an accident?
Sorry, but if you have decided not to trim at all, I can't upgrade the rating with integrity, as this is flash fiction. (I took a class in that genre here a few years back)...but I am glad you accepted two of the suggestions.
Warmly, rd
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Yeah, I'll add that comma as well.
And don't worry about the rating.
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Good luck in the contest! Fortunately for you, the judges never seem to mind if there are superfluous words in flash fiction, so you've a chance. :) Warmly, rd
Comment from RodG
Oh, but I wish you had another 20-30 words to work with as you left me wondering . . . and asking so many questions like "Is this real or fiction?"
You do an excellent job of setting the scene and introducing the two teenage characters. Here is a girl trying to do the right thing and being rejected. I definitely want more, as will most readers, and hope someday you post the whole story. Rod
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Oh, but I wish you had another 20-30 words to work with as you left me wondering . . . and asking so many questions like "Is this real or fiction?"
You do an excellent job of setting the scene and introducing the two teenage characters. Here is a girl trying to do the right thing and being rejected. I definitely want more, as will most readers, and hope someday you post the whole story. Rod
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thanks for your kind review, Rod. Maybe there will be more one day...
Comment from tfawcus
A well-constructed short story with a most satisfying surprise ending - or beginning, perhaps! The fates are sometimes kind. It seems that this might have been a good turn that turned out right after all.
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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A well-constructed short story with a most satisfying surprise ending - or beginning, perhaps! The fates are sometimes kind. It seems that this might have been a good turn that turned out right after all.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thanks so much for reading.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed this little piece. I also liked the fact that you didn't just leave it at the face-value of the prompt either. the last line is well-thought out and telling.
Nice job
GMG
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Hi there,
I enjoyed this little piece. I also liked the fact that you didn't just leave it at the face-value of the prompt either. the last line is well-thought out and telling.
Nice job
GMG
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thanks for your review.
