Reviews from

The Jungle

A Fanstory crush gone too far

9 total reviews 
Comment from Ideasaregems-Dawn
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

"Here's one I wrote for (you) just now." no "r"

Well, if this doesn't win the contest the voters are...I've seen that they can be anyway, so forget I said it. This is flawless, right down to the predictable (but nonetheless exceptional) ending. (Love the use of a name so close to the contest organizer's too. LOL)

 Comment Written 15-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks Dawn - erotic horror is WAY out of my comfort zone, so I was more than happy with a second place finish in the contest. I had originally planned on making this longer and expanding on the ties to the Upton Sinclair book, "The Jungle" (the name Marija is taken from a character, a prostitute, from that novel), but I had already exceeded the recommended word count so I cut it short. At any rate, thanks for the kind review.
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 15-May-2017
    Oh - my mistake. And now, since it was beaten (gulp!) I HAVE to read the winning entry...who won? (The genre is out of my comfort zone too, and the one time I won with an erotic poem I paid for it; trust me.)
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Hitcher wrote the deservedly winning entry - a piece that could make a truck driver blush.
reply by Ideasaregems-Dawn on 15-May-2017
    Oh! Well, if you say it deserved to win, maybe I will pass on the read, then...(LOL). Thanks!
Comment from Bill Schott
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

This was a totally cool story from beginning to end. Even though I figured he'd get killed, I loved the subtle humor, the familiarity of the Fanstory connection, and the entire idea of just dropping integrity, decency, and self-respect for an internet fling. Then -- you die. terrific!.

 Comment Written 14-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks, Bill - for the glowing review, the generous rating, and (I'm assuming here) the vote - all much appreciated.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Welcome to the jungle! Really great work with this story. I wish you best of luck in the contest. I made a few notes while I read. Please consider the following.

there", she pointed "and take this negligee off of me."--You don't have a speech. It's an action that needs its own sentence. The comma which must be changed to a period goes inside the quotation marks. Place a period after pointed and capitalize and.

"Wow", he said--Same as above comma inside the quotes.

as he took in the array of accessories that lie beside the bed. Whipped cream, handcuffs, lotions.--Since you have a list of items, I suggest you use a colon after bed instead of a period. Then include an 'and' after handcuffs.

He lie there is disbelief. --This is always a tricky one, but lay would be correct.

Overall, I think you did a nice job with this story. Good luck. I hope you find this helpful.

Take care,
Russell

 Comment Written 13-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks Russell for the thorough review and helpful suggestions. I made the changes you suggested.
reply by F. Wehr3 on 15-May-2017
    You're welcome! I was really pulling for this one to win.
Comment from Hitcher
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

A stone cold killer on the loose on F.S... Nice! The subject matter was a nice touch and kept me engaged. I think for horror and erotic side of the story could have been pumped up/drawn out a tad more though friend. it was kinda over before it really got started. Good luck!!
I only saw a couple teeny tiny nits :
"As soon as you go, I'll begin my adventure. Have fun and say hi to 'you' folks for me. I love you."
he thought to himself as 'she' flipped through the channels.

 Comment Written 13-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks for the review and for catching those errors.
Comment from Maria Jose Garcia
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is great and so much 'fun'. I hope Fanstory doesn't take any of us this far...
Who knew writing could be this dangerous?
Good luck in the contest. You deserve it.

 Comment Written 13-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks - it took second in the contest which is probably better than it deserved, but I won't complain. It was a fun write.
reply by Maria Jose Garcia on 15-May-2017
    It was my favourite!
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You've written a great story.
Very interesting.
The dialogue is good and believable.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Thanks for sharing your Erotic Horror.
Good luck with your future writing.
-Nicole-

 Comment Written 12-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks Nikki. Erotic Horror is certainly outside of my comfort zone, but I thought it would be fun to try.
Comment from loismddavis
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Oh my gosh that poor dude, men in a mid-life crisis should just keep hanging shower curtains. You have created a truly erotic story with a horrible ending. Men do have erotic fantasies but rarely have an opportunity to act upon them. What a clever twist to include the Fanstory experience so brilliantly into your story. good luck with the contest.

 Comment Written 12-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks. I don't think I have it in me to write a straight-up erotic story without trying to inject a little humor into it - glad you appreciated it.
Comment from giraffmang
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there,

I wanted to mention the large section of dialogue in the opening sequence. After the first sentence there is over 250 words purely of conversation. No speech tags (which isn't a problem) and no action. There is nothing going on except the conversation. this comes across as quite unnatural, if you see what I mean. Think about conversations you've had, the people are generally doing something, whether its shuffling feet, rolling their eyes, fidgeting. it's rare for nothing to happen at all. If you include some action/narrative to break it up a little it will seem less like 'talking heads' and more natural.

He watched for a while, then thought to himself. Linda's right. What am I doing? - should probably be a comma rather than a full stop following himself.

almost always said "Thank you so much for your review" So much - probably a comma for after said and full stop after review.

first making a quick stop in the bedroom to attend to an issue that had suddenly come up. - I'll bet... lol

Having successfully discharged these duties - indeed...

Here's one I wrote for your just now - for you.

as If the tachometer were hooked - if.

there", she pointed "and take this negligee - think you need a comma after pointed.

He looked around the room
- need end punctuation here.

He kissed he breasts, gently at first, then more vigorously eventually taking each one wholly into his mouth and sucking. - her breasts, which must have been very small for him to fit her entire breast in his mouth...

He lie there is disbelief - lay.

A good warning here on fantasies and the dangers of the internet!

All the best
GMG

 Comment Written 12-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks for the thorough review and helpful suggestions.
Comment from humpwhistle
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed. Death is always a disappointment.
Too easy. Like you painted yourself into a corner.
I thought there was potential for a farce, but no.
I'm sure FS folks will enjoy.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 12-May-2017


reply by the author on 15-May-2017
    Thanks Lee. Yeah, erotic horror is certainly not my strong suit. Always fun to venture outside one's comfort zone every once in a while though.