The Closing of More Than One Door
Flash fiction. First line required10 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, I guess some folks will think I have a lot of nerve, making all these editing suggestions for story that won the contest, but I think you know I don't spend time on a review unless I know the person won't be offended, and I think the piece is worth it - I'd rather skip.
But this little gem is worth it. It does, however, need some tweaking.
Suggestion - "I had known I might end up here, but it had been worth the price." The verb tense here begins with present, but to explain her current situation, you have the protagonist casting back in her mind, so it is not 'immediate' past (if you follow my drift. It keeps your reader still picturing her behind that cell door, instead of now switching scenes in their minds. Hence, "I HAD known/but it HAD been worth it", yes?)
no comma after "...one of the reasons..."
"Now(,) there's the other side of the coin..." - this is directed narrative, and allows us to 'see' you, the author, thereby removing us from the story for a beat - not something a writer ever wants to do. Instead I suggest, "The other side of the coin is, the police find them..." and then follow up the two questions you pose with, "...scum, I wondered now."
Suggest, "and the flames that will forever consume him." instead of ending with a preposition, which is grammatically incorrect.
One other suggestion - that last sentence would have more punch if it was instead, the final paragraph, all on its own.
In summary - congratulations on the win!
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Well, I guess some folks will think I have a lot of nerve, making all these editing suggestions for story that won the contest, but I think you know I don't spend time on a review unless I know the person won't be offended, and I think the piece is worth it - I'd rather skip.
But this little gem is worth it. It does, however, need some tweaking.
Suggestion - "I had known I might end up here, but it had been worth the price." The verb tense here begins with present, but to explain her current situation, you have the protagonist casting back in her mind, so it is not 'immediate' past (if you follow my drift. It keeps your reader still picturing her behind that cell door, instead of now switching scenes in their minds. Hence, "I HAD known/but it HAD been worth it", yes?)
no comma after "...one of the reasons..."
"Now(,) there's the other side of the coin..." - this is directed narrative, and allows us to 'see' you, the author, thereby removing us from the story for a beat - not something a writer ever wants to do. Instead I suggest, "The other side of the coin is, the police find them..." and then follow up the two questions you pose with, "...scum, I wondered now."
Suggest, "and the flames that will forever consume him." instead of ending with a preposition, which is grammatically incorrect.
One other suggestion - that last sentence would have more punch if it was instead, the final paragraph, all on its own.
In summary - congratulations on the win!
Comment Written 05-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2017
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Thanks for reviewing and the good suggestions.
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You are most welcome. I'm glad you weren't offended!
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Always welcome the help!
Comment from ceramic
Excellent short story, very dramatic and dealing with a situation we are familiar with.
The introduction of the second door and all it entails is well done, the emotions expressed realistically.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Excellent short story, very dramatic and dealing with a situation we are familiar with.
The introduction of the second door and all it entails is well done, the emotions expressed realistically.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and the encouraging comments.
Comment from pome lover
wow, that is powerful. also I thought it was a man writing this until the end. good story telling, tension builds, and for me, ended in a surprise. Understandable anger. non-understandable courts. good descriptions. good luck in the contest.
pome lover
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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wow, that is powerful. also I thought it was a man writing this until the end. good story telling, tension builds, and for me, ended in a surprise. Understandable anger. non-understandable courts. good descriptions. good luck in the contest.
pome lover
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and for your encouraging words.
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you're welcome.
Comment from Mame
Gripping story. Great the way you begin and take us through the plot. I had no idea as to why you ended up in jail until the last paras. Another smaller point- the hea bu type made your story so much easier to read. I was on your side - just revenge but moved by your plight. Your story very well told - good luck in competition.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Gripping story. Great the way you begin and take us through the plot. I had no idea as to why you ended up in jail until the last paras. Another smaller point- the hea bu type made your story so much easier to read. I was on your side - just revenge but moved by your plight. Your story very well told - good luck in competition.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much for reading and your kind words.
Comment from jusylee72
Great job on this one. They do get off to0 often. How sad though that the good person also has to pay. But if they killed your child. He should not live. You express it well
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Great job on this one. They do get off to0 often. How sad though that the good person also has to pay. But if they killed your child. He should not live. You express it well
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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I thank you so much for this fabulous green star. I am honored.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good entry for this competition. Always good subject matter for these type of things too. People respond to it well.
Good voice in the piece too.
These were questions, I didn't contemplate long - comma is unnecessary here.
after my precious girl's, mutilated - and here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Hi there,
A good entry for this competition. Always good subject matter for these type of things too. People respond to it well.
Good voice in the piece too.
These were questions, I didn't contemplate long - comma is unnecessary here.
after my precious girl's, mutilated - and here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thanks much for reading and the correction.
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Good job! Excellent picture choice. Very well-written. Thanks for sharing it with us. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Good job! Excellent picture choice. Very well-written. Thanks for sharing it with us. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much.
Comment from RodG
I am surprised how well this story comes together. Good opening introduces us to the mother as her cell door closes. Then slowly you describe how & why she's incarcerated. We learn about the daughter's murder, the accused's record. The best scene is your dramatic conclusion. Surprisingly, we are rooting for a killer who got her revenge.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I am surprised how well this story comes together. Good opening introduces us to the mother as her cell door closes. Then slowly you describe how & why she's incarcerated. We learn about the daughter's murder, the accused's record. The best scene is your dramatic conclusion. Surprisingly, we are rooting for a killer who got her revenge.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much.
Comment from mmonaghan777
Very powerful. When you said the other side of the coin I did not think of you and your feelings. As a mom I would not hesitate to think about doing the same. I hope you do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Very powerful. When you said the other side of the coin I did not think of you and your feelings. As a mom I would not hesitate to think about doing the same. I hope you do well in the contest.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thanks so much.
Comment from Mustang Patty
This is a compelling story. You have an interesting entry for the flash fiction contest. Your sentence structure is a bit off. My only suggestion is to read the piece out loud to yourself. While reading, you may want to take notes and edit the sentences that aren't strong they way they're written now. Look for missing words or misused words. Use the word limit to strengthen the story.
I think with some editing, this will be a great entry in the contest,
~patty~
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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This is a compelling story. You have an interesting entry for the flash fiction contest. Your sentence structure is a bit off. My only suggestion is to read the piece out loud to yourself. While reading, you may want to take notes and edit the sentences that aren't strong they way they're written now. Look for missing words or misused words. Use the word limit to strengthen the story.
I think with some editing, this will be a great entry in the contest,
~patty~
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thanks for reading.
