Kidnapped
In Broad Open Daylight5 total reviews
Comment from Liberty Justice
WOW dear poet your story filled with suspense and excitement. Your detailed account made story mysterious and great reading filled with emotions. Congrats in contest I just viewed. Later tell me who you are. liberty justice
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
WOW dear poet your story filled with suspense and excitement. Your detailed account made story mysterious and great reading filled with emotions. Congrats in contest I just viewed. Later tell me who you are. liberty justice
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Name nis barb
Comment from cupa tea
When out of nowhere a man shoves( shoved because you're writing in past tense and that's present tense) a gun in her face demanding money. Jamie told the guy she had no money left. She (Explained that she'd already spent it on school books and clothes. again past tense so you have to keep it in past tense) said,"I spent it all on school books and clothes."
check your tenses and keep to present or past tense...
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
When out of nowhere a man shoves( shoved because you're writing in past tense and that's present tense) a gun in her face demanding money. Jamie told the guy she had no money left. She (Explained that she'd already spent it on school books and clothes. again past tense so you have to keep it in past tense) said,"I spent it all on school books and clothes."
check your tenses and keep to present or past tense...
Comment Written 22-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2017
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Thank you for your kindness
Comment from mbroyles2
This has quite a bit of suspense in it and I enjoyed reading it.
Most of the story was written from Jamie's point of view except a quick change when you wrote.
" He was planning on making her pay for this. He'd rape and then kill her so she couldn't blab."
Not sure how Jamie could know what he was planning.
To avoid something as simple as this you can insert "She thought" before "he was planning..."
Great job!
And good luck!
Michael
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
This has quite a bit of suspense in it and I enjoyed reading it.
Most of the story was written from Jamie's point of view except a quick change when you wrote.
" He was planning on making her pay for this. He'd rape and then kill her so she couldn't blab."
Not sure how Jamie could know what he was planning.
To avoid something as simple as this you can insert "She thought" before "he was planning..."
Great job!
And good luck!
Michael
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the support
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
She remembered she had left a small flash light next to her jack. After searching everywhere She found it, she gave a sigh of relief. She had heard that the trunk could be opened by the inside latch. Finding it, she was biding her time to make her great escape.
Never once did he check to see if she was okay.She heard him slowing down and coming to a stop. She heard him take off the gas cap and fill the car up. She had just filled it up before he kidnapped her. They had gone it seemed for ever before stopping.
Taking a chance they might be at a gas station she lifted the trunk as he sped away. He was going pretty fast and Jamie tumbled to the ground rolling quickly out of his line of vision. She crawled into the store and the clerk hid her while calling the cops. What an absolutely thrilling story! I thought this was outstanding, a brilliant work, well done you should be very pleased because as well as a great story this is also a lesson in safety. Kindest regards, Meia x
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
She remembered she had left a small flash light next to her jack. After searching everywhere She found it, she gave a sigh of relief. She had heard that the trunk could be opened by the inside latch. Finding it, she was biding her time to make her great escape.
Never once did he check to see if she was okay.She heard him slowing down and coming to a stop. She heard him take off the gas cap and fill the car up. She had just filled it up before he kidnapped her. They had gone it seemed for ever before stopping.
Taking a chance they might be at a gas station she lifted the trunk as he sped away. He was going pretty fast and Jamie tumbled to the ground rolling quickly out of his line of vision. She crawled into the store and the clerk hid her while calling the cops. What an absolutely thrilling story! I thought this was outstanding, a brilliant work, well done you should be very pleased because as well as a great story this is also a lesson in safety. Kindest regards, Meia x
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Thank you for your support
Comment from Mustang Patty
The story was well told, but nothing new happened. Its been told before.
A few nits: another girl he (her) same age.
She said,"she'd spent it all on school books and clothes." The quote would be better if it was in first person - "I spent it all on school books and clothes."
The piece is missing commas all over the place. One suggestion is to read the piece out loud, and put in a comma where you pause.
~patty~
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
The story was well told, but nothing new happened. Its been told before.
A few nits: another girl he (her) same age.
She said,"she'd spent it all on school books and clothes." The quote would be better if it was in first person - "I spent it all on school books and clothes."
The piece is missing commas all over the place. One suggestion is to read the piece out loud, and put in a comma where you pause.
~patty~
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Uthank you for your support and kindness