To Bee Or Not To Bee
A funny moment at the riding stable29 total reviews
Comment from Rikki66
The narration tells the story well but, I was never involved in the story. Instead of just telling what happened show what happened. If I may take liberties with the first paragraph.
It was 1963, I was working at Patterson stables in Silver lake, MI, this particular day the schedule said we had a party of six riders from Detroit. When the black Ford Ranchero roared to a stop spewing dust and gravel in all directions, I sensed this was going to be a day to remember. When the teen drive climbed out of the front seat looking like Roy Rodgers collided with Clint Eastwood, I was sure.
"Howdy, partner! We're the Motor Gang from Detroit, we're here to ride."
Jake Patterson the owner stepped forward hand extended, "Welcome son."
"I ain't your son, I am a for real wrangler. and we are ready to ride."
"how many will be riding today?" Questioned Jake.
"Three wranglers and three hot lassies. We want the fastest rides you hayseeds got."
"You sure about that?"
"Dang, right. We're the best riders at the country club. We know what is what." piped in one of the other boys dressed like a county music star on tour.
Jake nodded at me, "I'll set you up with six of our finest and a trail guide."
"Hell no! We go on our own, we might want to stop in the woods"
The lassies all giggled.
This is just a suggestion of how you show the story rather than tell the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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The narration tells the story well but, I was never involved in the story. Instead of just telling what happened show what happened. If I may take liberties with the first paragraph.
It was 1963, I was working at Patterson stables in Silver lake, MI, this particular day the schedule said we had a party of six riders from Detroit. When the black Ford Ranchero roared to a stop spewing dust and gravel in all directions, I sensed this was going to be a day to remember. When the teen drive climbed out of the front seat looking like Roy Rodgers collided with Clint Eastwood, I was sure.
"Howdy, partner! We're the Motor Gang from Detroit, we're here to ride."
Jake Patterson the owner stepped forward hand extended, "Welcome son."
"I ain't your son, I am a for real wrangler. and we are ready to ride."
"how many will be riding today?" Questioned Jake.
"Three wranglers and three hot lassies. We want the fastest rides you hayseeds got."
"You sure about that?"
"Dang, right. We're the best riders at the country club. We know what is what." piped in one of the other boys dressed like a county music star on tour.
Jake nodded at me, "I'll set you up with six of our finest and a trail guide."
"Hell no! We go on our own, we might want to stop in the woods"
The lassies all giggled.
This is just a suggestion of how you show the story rather than tell the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you for your suggestions. In this case, I preferred to tell the story as an employee of the stable. It kept it shorter and simple. I do like your version, though. The other reviewers seemed to find it entertaining and easy to understand.
Comment from Kooky Clown
I really enjoyed reading this true story and I had to laugh at the way these know all young lads from the town thought that they knew best and were taught a lesson that they won't forget. I was glad that no one was hurt or the horses but I bet it was a good laugh afterwards for you and your team.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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I really enjoyed reading this true story and I had to laugh at the way these know all young lads from the town thought that they knew best and were taught a lesson that they won't forget. I was glad that no one was hurt or the horses but I bet it was a good laugh afterwards for you and your team.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you for reading and commenting. It was an interesting day.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is a nice story. How unfortunate the contest rules said to keep this to a half page. This piece has great potential - there is so much room to expand and make it a full-blown short story. It could be rich with details and really 'show' a great tale.
I noticed a few things:
They were a cocky bunch and all claimed to be expert riders so we mounted them on the more spirited horses in the riding string, (Need a period for ending punctuation rather than comma.)
The hill[,] and the edge of the woods could be seen from the stable yard. (need comma where indicated)
Sure enough, they begin(present) clowning(present) around, running(present) the horses (You have an unnecessary shift in verb tense. You went from past tense to present tense. Pick one tense and stick with it. It will make your writing stronger.)
Most of the cocky teens were on foot and the horses were bucking and ran back home as fast as they could, it was a sight to behold. (This is an extremely long sentence. If you read it aloud, you'll run out of breath before you finish. It would read smoother if you broke it up into three sentences. You also switched tenses again.)
The horses beat the teens back to the barn, we had a tough time catching them and calming them down. (You have a misplaced modifier, here. The way it is written says that it was the teens who were tough to catch and calm down.)
If they had stayed on the trail it never would have happened, the trail was checked regularly for just such things as wasps. (This sentence is a 'comma splice run-on.' If you make this two sentences, it would make the writing stronger.)
Luckily[,] no one broke any bones or sported any serious injury. (Use a comma after introductory words at the beginning of a sentence.)
Someone could have been hurt or killed but, as it turned out, all was fine and {maybe those youngsters learned a lesson in respect for horses and wasps.} (The comma placement goes before the word 'but,' not after it. To create a strong ending, make the last part, indicated above with {}, its own sentence.)
I do not feel comfortable awarding high stars when so many errors are present.
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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This is a nice story. How unfortunate the contest rules said to keep this to a half page. This piece has great potential - there is so much room to expand and make it a full-blown short story. It could be rich with details and really 'show' a great tale.
I noticed a few things:
They were a cocky bunch and all claimed to be expert riders so we mounted them on the more spirited horses in the riding string, (Need a period for ending punctuation rather than comma.)
The hill[,] and the edge of the woods could be seen from the stable yard. (need comma where indicated)
Sure enough, they begin(present) clowning(present) around, running(present) the horses (You have an unnecessary shift in verb tense. You went from past tense to present tense. Pick one tense and stick with it. It will make your writing stronger.)
Most of the cocky teens were on foot and the horses were bucking and ran back home as fast as they could, it was a sight to behold. (This is an extremely long sentence. If you read it aloud, you'll run out of breath before you finish. It would read smoother if you broke it up into three sentences. You also switched tenses again.)
The horses beat the teens back to the barn, we had a tough time catching them and calming them down. (You have a misplaced modifier, here. The way it is written says that it was the teens who were tough to catch and calm down.)
If they had stayed on the trail it never would have happened, the trail was checked regularly for just such things as wasps. (This sentence is a 'comma splice run-on.' If you make this two sentences, it would make the writing stronger.)
Luckily[,] no one broke any bones or sported any serious injury. (Use a comma after introductory words at the beginning of a sentence.)
Someone could have been hurt or killed but, as it turned out, all was fine and {maybe those youngsters learned a lesson in respect for horses and wasps.} (The comma placement goes before the word 'but,' not after it. To create a strong ending, make the last part, indicated above with {}, its own sentence.)
I do not feel comfortable awarding high stars when so many errors are present.
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the grammar lesson. sometimes I rush things and make terrible mistakes. Thank goodness there are reviewers like you to point out the right path. I will edit and correct. Your right, It doesn't deserve high stars as it is.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, doesn't it make you feel good to see idiots brought down a peg or two? LOL. I hate cocky kids. I'm glad the horses were fine, I doubt those boys did a lot of horse riding after that. Well done, that really was funny. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Oh, doesn't it make you feel good to see idiots brought down a peg or two? LOL. I hate cocky kids. I'm glad the horses were fine, I doubt those boys did a lot of horse riding after that. Well done, that really was funny. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you for reading and your kind comments. It was an interesting day.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Cockiness and supposed bravery in numbers. What a bunch of jerk kids. Karma sometimes has a wave of correcting bad behavior. It usually just doesn't happen right before an observers eyes. Great write with a most appropriate ending. I'm glad the horses were not injured, most of all.
One slight spag:
They were a cocky bunch and all claimed to be expert riders so we mounted them on the more spirited horses in the riding string, -> period after string instead of comma.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Cockiness and supposed bravery in numbers. What a bunch of jerk kids. Karma sometimes has a wave of correcting bad behavior. It usually just doesn't happen right before an observers eyes. Great write with a most appropriate ending. I'm glad the horses were not injured, most of all.
One slight spag:
They were a cocky bunch and all claimed to be expert riders so we mounted them on the more spirited horses in the riding string, -> period after string instead of comma.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you for reading and the catch in my writing. I appreciate all the help I can get.
Comment from Alex Biasin
A good case of schadenfreude - although from the sounds of this they certainly deserved it.
A nice tale, told well.
Your conversational style worked really well with this type of story and I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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A good case of schadenfreude - although from the sounds of this they certainly deserved it.
A nice tale, told well.
Your conversational style worked really well with this type of story and I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
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Thank you. It would make a nice show story too, but it would have made it quite long.
Comment from pome lover
Clever title and nice telling of a well remembered incident. And it is certainly sounds like one worth remembering. Great example of what goes around comes around. Funny. good job.
pome lover
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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Clever title and nice telling of a well remembered incident. And it is certainly sounds like one worth remembering. Great example of what goes around comes around. Funny. good job.
pome lover
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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Thank you for reading and commenting. I have some funnier incidents that have happened in my life, but I just had the urge to share this one.
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well, my goodness! Let's hear them.
Comment from Mustang Patty
This is a great story about the dangers of claiming one is an expert rider at the stable. I certainly hope the kids were properly ashamed at their foolishness. I would love the tale told from their point of view to see how the facts differ. The piece flows well and has a good rhythm going from beginning to the end. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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This is a great story about the dangers of claiming one is an expert rider at the stable. I certainly hope the kids were properly ashamed at their foolishness. I would love the tale told from their point of view to see how the facts differ. The piece flows well and has a good rhythm going from beginning to the end. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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Thank you for reading and commenting. It did us bumpkins good to see them brought down by an insect.
Comment from Vijay Kumar V
I understand how hard it is to hold from laughing aloud, i love the narration of each of their attire returning back like jokers.
They sure did learn a lesson and God is with them no one had serious injuries
Have a nice day
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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I understand how hard it is to hold from laughing aloud, i love the narration of each of their attire returning back like jokers.
They sure did learn a lesson and God is with them no one had serious injuries
Have a nice day
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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Thank you. One had to witness that snobby bunch to appreciate the humor. I don't usually laugh at another's pain, but these guys deserved it.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
You're very amusing story is well told. Once started I was keen to carry on and find out what was at the end of it. Great writing, easy to read. good luck for the competition.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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You're very amusing story is well told. Once started I was keen to carry on and find out what was at the end of it. Great writing, easy to read. good luck for the competition.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
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Thank you. I don't usually laugh at another's pain, but these guys deserved it.
