Don't mess with Family
A tale of what happens when you cross the blue line5 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a tight plot, and well-written for the most part. There were a few nits here and there that caught you up, but I can see this piece doing well in the contest.
I made some notes as I read. Please understand these are to help only and you are perfectly welcome to disagree and to toss them! *smile*
1.) Handing the phone back to (me), Sullivan took a deep breath. "
--> stay in character
2.) Before he could finish, Clancy said, "I got this boss.
--> please check from here on - Clancy is supposed to be "me" or "I"
3.) "I got this boss. I'll get her (discreet) medical care
4.) Knocking on the door, I announced: "(Sargent) Clancy, open the door."
5.) "You're the (d)octor. Let's do it then," I replied.
6.) Within seconds, Sophia was wide awake, breathing heavily and start(ing) to cry.
--> keep your verbs the same
7.) In a story, abbreviations are not appropriate. Please go back and edit so that all the 'Lt's' are spelled out. (You might even eliminate some?)
8.) In proper writing, one of the rules is that every number under ten is spelled out, and many publishers require every number under one hundred to be spelled out, so it's a good habit to just go ahead and spell out all numbers under one hundred. (Except for times.)
Hope this helps!
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a tight plot, and well-written for the most part. There were a few nits here and there that caught you up, but I can see this piece doing well in the contest.
I made some notes as I read. Please understand these are to help only and you are perfectly welcome to disagree and to toss them! *smile*
1.) Handing the phone back to (me), Sullivan took a deep breath. "
--> stay in character
2.) Before he could finish, Clancy said, "I got this boss.
--> please check from here on - Clancy is supposed to be "me" or "I"
3.) "I got this boss. I'll get her (discreet) medical care
4.) Knocking on the door, I announced: "(Sargent) Clancy, open the door."
5.) "You're the (d)octor. Let's do it then," I replied.
6.) Within seconds, Sophia was wide awake, breathing heavily and start(ing) to cry.
--> keep your verbs the same
7.) In a story, abbreviations are not appropriate. Please go back and edit so that all the 'Lt's' are spelled out. (You might even eliminate some?)
8.) In proper writing, one of the rules is that every number under ten is spelled out, and many publishers require every number under one hundred to be spelled out, so it's a good habit to just go ahead and spell out all numbers under one hundred. (Except for times.)
Hope this helps!
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Hi Robyn, thank you for such a thorough review of my work. It was helpful.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. Very nicely done. It is an interesting story and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The plot is different and I think you ended it just right. best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Excellent. Very nicely done. It is an interesting story and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The plot is different and I think you ended it just right. best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It just kind of flowed when I saw the contest guidelines.
Comment from tfawcus
Sharp dialogue maintains the impetus of this. A good read from beginning to end. Just one thing that struck me as perhaps needing review. You use the description "my boss, Anthony" several times in quick succession. I felt that the repetition of 'Anthony' didn't ring quite true. Once he's been introduced by name, 'my boss' would be sufficient.
Your use of police jargon such as 10-4 added a touch of realism.
Nicely written.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Sharp dialogue maintains the impetus of this. A good read from beginning to end. Just one thing that struck me as perhaps needing review. You use the description "my boss, Anthony" several times in quick succession. I felt that the repetition of 'Anthony' didn't ring quite true. Once he's been introduced by name, 'my boss' would be sufficient.
Your use of police jargon such as 10-4 added a touch of realism.
Nicely written.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thanks for your insightful comments. I will take a look at how to change the "my boss, Anthony" usage. Great point. I didn't catch it in my edit. Thanks again.
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
I liked your take on this prompt. Good to have it told from a more periphery perspective. Nice one.
Few things I noticed as I read-
if its booze or drugs - it's.
Roger that Serge - I think the abbreviation is normally sarge.
that I knew would be "I'm busy," - the dialogue here should end with a full stop.
Excuse me Commander Sanchez - needs opening speech marks here.
I knew I had a Nano second - nanosecond.
"My wife? Is she okay? - need closing speech marks here.
and secure those tapes for the exterior - of the exterior?
"And O'Malley, thank you for calling Sgt. Clancy. I owe you one,:- should have closing speech marks at the end. The colon shouldn't be there.
Clancy, I'm up to mu neck - my neck.
Will you find out what happened and see that Sofia..." - it's more common to use dashes for interruption than ellipsis.
Clancy said, " I got this boss - delete the space before 'I'.
Don't worry its family - it's.
It's going to be embarrassing if I have to send - need opening speech marks here.
"I'm on my way with lights and siren. Five minutes,: I replied - same as before. Needs speech marks, no colon. You also need end punctuation to close the sentence off.
Who is this woman, and what happened to her - he has already been told who she is...
Sometimes you use colons instead of commas before dialogue, sometimes not. Whatever you choose to use you should be consistent and use the same form the entire way through.
one of the Security guy's - this is just a plural so need for an apostrophe.
Someone drugged you tonight - should really be last night.
I was with my boss, Anthony - need opening speech marks here.
"Oh my God no, was I raped? "- delete the space before the closing speech marks.
Clancy, I'll text you his address - need opening speech marks here.
I',m probably going to get a call - I'm.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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hi there,
I liked your take on this prompt. Good to have it told from a more periphery perspective. Nice one.
Few things I noticed as I read-
if its booze or drugs - it's.
Roger that Serge - I think the abbreviation is normally sarge.
that I knew would be "I'm busy," - the dialogue here should end with a full stop.
Excuse me Commander Sanchez - needs opening speech marks here.
I knew I had a Nano second - nanosecond.
"My wife? Is she okay? - need closing speech marks here.
and secure those tapes for the exterior - of the exterior?
"And O'Malley, thank you for calling Sgt. Clancy. I owe you one,:- should have closing speech marks at the end. The colon shouldn't be there.
Clancy, I'm up to mu neck - my neck.
Will you find out what happened and see that Sofia..." - it's more common to use dashes for interruption than ellipsis.
Clancy said, " I got this boss - delete the space before 'I'.
Don't worry its family - it's.
It's going to be embarrassing if I have to send - need opening speech marks here.
"I'm on my way with lights and siren. Five minutes,: I replied - same as before. Needs speech marks, no colon. You also need end punctuation to close the sentence off.
Who is this woman, and what happened to her - he has already been told who she is...
Sometimes you use colons instead of commas before dialogue, sometimes not. Whatever you choose to use you should be consistent and use the same form the entire way through.
one of the Security guy's - this is just a plural so need for an apostrophe.
Someone drugged you tonight - should really be last night.
I was with my boss, Anthony - need opening speech marks here.
"Oh my God no, was I raped? "- delete the space before the closing speech marks.
Clancy, I'll text you his address - need opening speech marks here.
I',m probably going to get a call - I'm.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thank you for your review. I apologize for posting the unedited version. I didn't mean for anyone to have to do so much editing, but thank you. You're right, I do tend to switch between colons and commas before dialogue. I'll have to watch that. Again, thanks for taking so much time on the review. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
That's one way of handling the situation. A few answers fro the alleged might have been nice, but I guess it wasn't deemed necessary.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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That's one way of handling the situation. A few answers fro the alleged might have been nice, but I guess it wasn't deemed necessary.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thanks Thomas. I should have probably given the character a chance to speak, but I thought in that situation with those other characters, he would have not been given a chance to explain. Thanks for your thoughts.
