Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Chapter Three part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
33 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
One question. How did the motel know to call Anderson's apartment?
I thought his men moved her things out without anyone knowing.
Very realistic Sabbath scene. Well done.
I wish I had a six left. This is a great chapter, barbara.
- I'm not sure how he did it(,) but I do know he sneaked it in(,) and those bad guys don't know it's here.
- "I never imagined I'd ever see them.(It sounds like you're referring to the Russians. I suggest:
"I never imagined I'd ever see 'the pieces again'.)
Happy New Year!
Hugs,
:) e
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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One question. How did the motel know to call Anderson's apartment?
I thought his men moved her things out without anyone knowing.
Very realistic Sabbath scene. Well done.
I wish I had a six left. This is a great chapter, barbara.
- I'm not sure how he did it(,) but I do know he sneaked it in(,) and those bad guys don't know it's here.
- "I never imagined I'd ever see them.(It sounds like you're referring to the Russians. I suggest:
"I never imagined I'd ever see 'the pieces again'.)
Happy New Year!
Hugs,
:) e
Comment Written 29-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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I have made the corrections. I assumed Anderson paid off the hotel manager to get into Shana's room, but the Russians didn't know it. I guess I should have been more clear. Jane would not have known how he did it. Maybe I need to bring it up in the next few chapters to make it clear. Thank you for the help.
Comment from Ella25
It is a very lovely and well-written chapter in Perennial of War. Another one I was patiently waiting for to read. Excellent and flawlessly inscribed. Blessings, Ella
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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It is a very lovely and well-written chapter in Perennial of War. Another one I was patiently waiting for to read. Excellent and flawlessly inscribed. Blessings, Ella
Comment Written 29-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
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You are welcome. Ella
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
I think you did an excellent job with the description of what goes into the Sabbath dinner right down to the difference between regular candles and kosher candles. You do such a lovely job of conveying emotions subtly as in the case of her blush intensifying little by little as the kiss tradition was being discussed. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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I think you did an excellent job with the description of what goes into the Sabbath dinner right down to the difference between regular candles and kosher candles. You do such a lovely job of conveying emotions subtly as in the case of her blush intensifying little by little as the kiss tradition was being discussed. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. Happy New Year! This is starting to get to be very interesting story.
Outstanding imagery throughout like: "Shana reached up and pecked Anderson's cheek. Romeo pawed her thigh. "I refuse to kiss you." She went back to the candle. "My family continues this way." She circled the flames with her hands three times."
Your ongoing dialogue is superb. I wish I had some sixes left, my friend. Blessings, Bob
Suggestions: " I'll get you some." (a bit rough grammatically. Perhaps. "I will get some for you.")
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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Hi, Barbara. Happy New Year! This is starting to get to be very interesting story.
Outstanding imagery throughout like: "Shana reached up and pecked Anderson's cheek. Romeo pawed her thigh. "I refuse to kiss you." She went back to the candle. "My family continues this way." She circled the flames with her hands three times."
Your ongoing dialogue is superb. I wish I had some sixes left, my friend. Blessings, Bob
Suggestions: " I'll get you some." (a bit rough grammatically. Perhaps. "I will get some for you.")
Comment Written 28-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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I worry about trying to get dialogue to sound natural, you're correct. It does sound better. Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
well done, interesting, looking forward to finding out what is really going on. Interesting learning about the Jewish traditions, much of it I know or have heard about but forget, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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well done, interesting, looking forward to finding out what is really going on. Interesting learning about the Jewish traditions, much of it I know or have heard about but forget, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tpa
I enjoyed your chapter very much. I especially enjoyed the traditions you described, helping to teach customs through a story.
Your work is very entertaining and enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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I enjoyed your chapter very much. I especially enjoyed the traditions you described, helping to teach customs through a story.
Your work is very entertaining and enjoyable read.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from CEO2020
I'm sure i told you this before. Your writing style is very fluid. I'm not drawn to this story like the last one, but i like reading you. I like the way you style your stories if you know what I mean.
Take Care
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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I'm sure i told you this before. Your writing style is very fluid. I'm not drawn to this story like the last one, but i like reading you. I like the way you style your stories if you know what I mean.
Take Care
Comment Written 27-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written chapter with great dialogue. This will be interesting to read. I know very little about Jewish traditions, so it will be educational as well. Happy holidays, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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A well written chapter with great dialogue. This will be interesting to read. I know very little about Jewish traditions, so it will be educational as well. Happy holidays, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 27-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from RazorFace
Thanks for the character list and lead in description of what is going on. I just reviewed 3 different chapters out of stories that made no sense with out having read the previous chapters.
I was raised Seventh-Day-Adventist, we were very proud to be as close to "Jewish" as you could get and still be protestant. My mother often went to the synagogue with me on Sabbath, we observe Sabbath. I read a considerable amount about observing the Sabbath. I also worked for a Jewish banker that had us cater many meals; I know about Kosher :).
As to your story it is well written and I did not find any grammar mistakes. Good luck with the rest of the story I will be watching for it.
Great story.
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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Thanks for the character list and lead in description of what is going on. I just reviewed 3 different chapters out of stories that made no sense with out having read the previous chapters.
I was raised Seventh-Day-Adventist, we were very proud to be as close to "Jewish" as you could get and still be protestant. My mother often went to the synagogue with me on Sabbath, we observe Sabbath. I read a considerable amount about observing the Sabbath. I also worked for a Jewish banker that had us cater many meals; I know about Kosher :).
As to your story it is well written and I did not find any grammar mistakes. Good luck with the rest of the story I will be watching for it.
Great story.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I have plenty of Jewish friends. I am doing my best to keep this story as accurate as possible.
Comment from dweigt
Very good!
Just a few minor issues:
"I see they got the Hebrew Bible and packed it." -- who says this? I think it is Jane, but it may have been Shana as well. If it is Jane, it indicates she knew Shana had brought a tanakh. It might be better to have Jane ask, "Oh, is that a tanakh?"
There are a few other places where it isn't clear who speaks a line of dialogue. I'm all for eliminating tags wherever possible, but sometimes we need a little help, especially when there are more than two people interacting.
As the meal continued, Anderson asked, "Shana, I know the painting's worth millions of dollars, but there has to be something else these people are after. Do you have any ideas?" -- Maybe I'm missing something, but millions of dollars seems like motive enough. Why does Drew think there must be more?
"Tell her you have no idea who Ms. Kohlberg is." -- This isn't really working for me. The bad guys would wonder who the receptionist called. They know the receptionist links Shana to whoever she called. They would press to find out who it was, regardless of Drew's answer. How did Drew's team get access to Shana's hotel room and her things? Apparently they gained the cooperation of the receptionist. Wouldn't they have thought to tell her not to mention their involvement? I think this might be more plausible if the receptionist calls AFTER the bad guys have left, letting Philip know they were there, but she told them nothing.
Minor quibbles aside, I like how you are gradually turning up the pressure.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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Very good!
Just a few minor issues:
"I see they got the Hebrew Bible and packed it." -- who says this? I think it is Jane, but it may have been Shana as well. If it is Jane, it indicates she knew Shana had brought a tanakh. It might be better to have Jane ask, "Oh, is that a tanakh?"
There are a few other places where it isn't clear who speaks a line of dialogue. I'm all for eliminating tags wherever possible, but sometimes we need a little help, especially when there are more than two people interacting.
As the meal continued, Anderson asked, "Shana, I know the painting's worth millions of dollars, but there has to be something else these people are after. Do you have any ideas?" -- Maybe I'm missing something, but millions of dollars seems like motive enough. Why does Drew think there must be more?
"Tell her you have no idea who Ms. Kohlberg is." -- This isn't really working for me. The bad guys would wonder who the receptionist called. They know the receptionist links Shana to whoever she called. They would press to find out who it was, regardless of Drew's answer. How did Drew's team get access to Shana's hotel room and her things? Apparently they gained the cooperation of the receptionist. Wouldn't they have thought to tell her not to mention their involvement? I think this might be more plausible if the receptionist calls AFTER the bad guys have left, letting Philip know they were there, but she told them nothing.
Minor quibbles aside, I like how you are gradually turning up the pressure.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 27-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2016
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I assumed the receptionist went into another room to make the call. I didn't mention it because I am not in her POV and Philip wouldn't have known it so couldn't comment on it. It's the only thing that would make sense. As for the first suggestion. There are only two people in the room. Shana and Jane. I doubt Romeo can speak. LOL Anyway, Shana spoke and I left a space indicating a different paragraph and a different person speaking. I just checked to make sure. I make many mistakes. Thank you for the wonderful review.
