Red Wagon
The sheriff goes on a hunt.9 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
SPECTACULAR STORY WITH A VERY HAPPY ENDING. WHO WOULD THINK A CHILD WAS KEEPING HIS PROMISE? GREAT LITTLE GUY AND VERY WISE FOR HIS YEARS
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2016
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SPECTACULAR STORY WITH A VERY HAPPY ENDING. WHO WOULD THINK A CHILD WAS KEEPING HIS PROMISE? GREAT LITTLE GUY AND VERY WISE FOR HIS YEARS
Comment Written 30-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2016
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Thank you. appreciate your kind words.
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smile
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SMILES
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A great story. Two miracles in one day. Actually, three if you count the angel getting the first ride in the new wagon. A very good Christmas time story.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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A great story. Two miracles in one day. Actually, three if you count the angel getting the first ride in the new wagon. A very good Christmas time story.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2016
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Thank you
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Beautiful story! Kyle was just doing "the right thing" in his mind. I have just one question... how did he pick up the statue to put it into the wagon?
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Beautiful story! Kyle was just doing "the right thing" in his mind. I have just one question... how did he pick up the statue to put it into the wagon?
Comment Written 16-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Thank you
Good question: My starting point was him missing.
The ending of course, was what you concur/ or his faith, which was the theme.'
I neglected to focus on that at the end, but rather the change in the sheriff
Should I have put it into the story? YES
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tom. I loved the small town feel of this entire piece first of all. For instance: "The children were well-mannered and came from respectable parents. Being a small town, everyone had their eyes and ears on everyone's business, except their own. (LOL)
Aand the imagery is superb. Like: "She was twelve-years-old going on thirty. She had long black pigtails and wore wire-rimmed glasses. "
And: "My mouth formed the letter o and words suddenly lodged in my throat."
A brilliant piece of writing, my friend. Happy Holidays! Bob
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Hi, Tom. I loved the small town feel of this entire piece first of all. For instance: "The children were well-mannered and came from respectable parents. Being a small town, everyone had their eyes and ears on everyone's business, except their own. (LOL)
Aand the imagery is superb. Like: "She was twelve-years-old going on thirty. She had long black pigtails and wore wire-rimmed glasses. "
And: "My mouth formed the letter o and words suddenly lodged in my throat."
A brilliant piece of writing, my friend. Happy Holidays! Bob
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2016
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Your review was my first Chrismas Gift. Thank you. Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!
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Same to you, Tom. Bob
Comment from Heidi M
You created a lot of drama in this Christmas story and it held my attention.
I especially liked this: ' My thoughts were sweeping up this case, not the living room rug'
You switched to present tense here: When daybreak comes, I'll have enough men to search. Suggest 'When daybreak came, I'd have enough...'
There may be a few plot points for you to smooth out, but I think you created a very good story. I especially liked the happy ending: Kyle was found, the statue was found, the three strangers were helpful, and a baby is on the way. In my opinion, Christmas stories should end happy and hopeful and you did just that. Well done!
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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You created a lot of drama in this Christmas story and it held my attention.
I especially liked this: ' My thoughts were sweeping up this case, not the living room rug'
You switched to present tense here: When daybreak comes, I'll have enough men to search. Suggest 'When daybreak came, I'd have enough...'
There may be a few plot points for you to smooth out, but I think you created a very good story. I especially liked the happy ending: Kyle was found, the statue was found, the three strangers were helpful, and a baby is on the way. In my opinion, Christmas stories should end happy and hopeful and you did just that. Well done!
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the review & help. What did you mean about plot points?
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Things that happen in a story. Example: when he talked to the kids on the playground.
Comment from wondertwin
Red Wagon! was a very sweet and fun story to read, very enjoyable! It almost seems like you could add chapters to your story, not because it felt incomplete, but because my attention was captured and I wanted to read more, Great job!
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Red Wagon! was a very sweet and fun story to read, very enjoyable! It almost seems like you could add chapters to your story, not because it felt incomplete, but because my attention was captured and I wanted to read more, Great job!
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you for a wonderful review. You made my day.
Comment from mbroyles2
This is an exciting and suspenseful story right from the opening sentence.
We had to speculate what could have happened to Kyle.
I'm glad it ended well and with the other miracle of a baby.
Nice
Michael
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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This is an exciting and suspenseful story right from the opening sentence.
We had to speculate what could have happened to Kyle.
I'm glad it ended well and with the other miracle of a baby.
Nice
Michael
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I liked the basic premise of the piece and you do a good job with the characterisation and description throughout. By the end though, it seemed as if the message was tacked on a bit. There are a few other little inconsistencies to watch out for as.
I made some notes as I read-
a blithesome moment with whose tears I could not see, - this is a little awkwardly phrased.
please help us find our boy, "She pleaded - move space from before closing speech marks to after them. Either a full stop to end the dialogue or a small 's' for she.
any development, I hung up the phone - 'the phone' is redundant here as it would be inferred in the context of the narrative.
I didn't know a Steve, and either did mom - neither.
I grabbed the car keys to the SUV - again you could eliminate 'car' here.
I couldn't tell her about Kyle, didn't want to create any havoc and rile the townspeople especially tonight. I didn't want to generate an argument between the missus and me, either. My dad always said 'A happy wife is a happy life' with that in mind. I told her that I would be there in ten minutes.
- I have to say that this made me dislike the Sheriff somewhat. That he puts this above looking for the missing child...
"Hi Sheriff," the kids said in unison. - a lot of people will tell you that this just doesn't happen. A group of people all saying the exact thing at the same time...
I took in a few deep breaths be-fore - before.
With the kids in the playground and one of them being 12 it made me wonder what age Kyle was as it isn't revealed. he's left to go out on his own so he must be a reasonable age but then a new red wagon gives the impression of a much younger child... (it is revealed much later on)
The skinny, red hair and freckled face boy - red-haired and freckle-faced boy.
The town must also be very small if all of the kids aged 8-12 knew Kyle.
with several dozens of chocolate brownies - this reads awkwardly like there's an extra word or something missing - several dozen chocolate brownies?
told her about Kyle. Her eyes widened in disbelief - so why not tell her about it earlier?
She agreed, and we finish packing up - finished to preserve the tense.
The pope himself gave a golden statue to a small township?
His wet, brown eyes limped with sympathy - how do eyes limp? Not sure sympathy s the right word here either.
"How about the river?" A man asked - a man asked. following speech tags start with lower case if attributed to the same sentence.
"Sherriff Randall," - Sheriff.
"Where are places Kyle may go without telling you? - need closing speech marks here.
He suffered from boozed and the death of his wife. - this is awkwardly phrased.
wife would drive to, on weekends - no comma necessary here.
"Not today Clark, I'm here on business," I asked him about the men. - these should be two separate sentences so a full stop rather than a comma to end the dialogue. The second part doesn't refer to the direct dialogue.
His brown eyes gazed momentarily at the scuffed linoleum beneath his feet. - this isn't physically possible... beneath should probably be between...
A surge of frustration leaped through my voice. - coursed may be better than leapt here?
to the wooden doors of the church. Stepping into the chapel, people surrounded Betty and Mark. - I thought they'd decided to stay at home in case Kyle returned?
"K-Y-L-E!" Betty screamed - this gives the impression that she spelt out his name rather than yelling it. I would suggest using capitals in italics.
A small red wagon carrying a three foot golden statue? That would weigh quite a bit for a nine year old to be able to lift and place in a wagon and pull around. And no one saw him the entire time.
He had a beard longer than Santa Clause - Claus.
Hope this is helpful in some way
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Hi there,
I liked the basic premise of the piece and you do a good job with the characterisation and description throughout. By the end though, it seemed as if the message was tacked on a bit. There are a few other little inconsistencies to watch out for as.
I made some notes as I read-
a blithesome moment with whose tears I could not see, - this is a little awkwardly phrased.
please help us find our boy, "She pleaded - move space from before closing speech marks to after them. Either a full stop to end the dialogue or a small 's' for she.
any development, I hung up the phone - 'the phone' is redundant here as it would be inferred in the context of the narrative.
I didn't know a Steve, and either did mom - neither.
I grabbed the car keys to the SUV - again you could eliminate 'car' here.
I couldn't tell her about Kyle, didn't want to create any havoc and rile the townspeople especially tonight. I didn't want to generate an argument between the missus and me, either. My dad always said 'A happy wife is a happy life' with that in mind. I told her that I would be there in ten minutes.
- I have to say that this made me dislike the Sheriff somewhat. That he puts this above looking for the missing child...
"Hi Sheriff," the kids said in unison. - a lot of people will tell you that this just doesn't happen. A group of people all saying the exact thing at the same time...
I took in a few deep breaths be-fore - before.
With the kids in the playground and one of them being 12 it made me wonder what age Kyle was as it isn't revealed. he's left to go out on his own so he must be a reasonable age but then a new red wagon gives the impression of a much younger child... (it is revealed much later on)
The skinny, red hair and freckled face boy - red-haired and freckle-faced boy.
The town must also be very small if all of the kids aged 8-12 knew Kyle.
with several dozens of chocolate brownies - this reads awkwardly like there's an extra word or something missing - several dozen chocolate brownies?
told her about Kyle. Her eyes widened in disbelief - so why not tell her about it earlier?
She agreed, and we finish packing up - finished to preserve the tense.
The pope himself gave a golden statue to a small township?
His wet, brown eyes limped with sympathy - how do eyes limp? Not sure sympathy s the right word here either.
"How about the river?" A man asked - a man asked. following speech tags start with lower case if attributed to the same sentence.
"Sherriff Randall," - Sheriff.
"Where are places Kyle may go without telling you? - need closing speech marks here.
He suffered from boozed and the death of his wife. - this is awkwardly phrased.
wife would drive to, on weekends - no comma necessary here.
"Not today Clark, I'm here on business," I asked him about the men. - these should be two separate sentences so a full stop rather than a comma to end the dialogue. The second part doesn't refer to the direct dialogue.
His brown eyes gazed momentarily at the scuffed linoleum beneath his feet. - this isn't physically possible... beneath should probably be between...
A surge of frustration leaped through my voice. - coursed may be better than leapt here?
to the wooden doors of the church. Stepping into the chapel, people surrounded Betty and Mark. - I thought they'd decided to stay at home in case Kyle returned?
"K-Y-L-E!" Betty screamed - this gives the impression that she spelt out his name rather than yelling it. I would suggest using capitals in italics.
A small red wagon carrying a three foot golden statue? That would weigh quite a bit for a nine year old to be able to lift and place in a wagon and pull around. And no one saw him the entire time.
He had a beard longer than Santa Clause - Claus.
Hope this is helpful in some way
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your help, Will make corrections.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
What a beautiful Christmas story. It held me entranced throughout. I sure thought the boy and the statue had been taken by the drifters, when, in fact, they were the ones who rescued him. A good lesson on judging others and on the power of miracles!
Great story,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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What a beautiful Christmas story. It held me entranced throughout. I sure thought the boy and the statue had been taken by the drifters, when, in fact, they were the ones who rescued him. A good lesson on judging others and on the power of miracles!
Great story,
Rhonda
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank youi
